That's a nice term for it--it does some days feel as if you've dropped down a rabbit hole and reversed roles, doesn't it?

For 12 years, I took care of my mother--she insisted upon staying in her apt, but needed help with shopping, bathing, getting to her dr. appts, managing her funds, cleaning--you know the drill. I was the one who either did those things or arranged for professional help so she could fulfill her wishes and stay 'home'.

My aunt was another story--she had a climactic health issue hit at age 85 (before that she was on her own, driving, managing her money). Sadly, in the space of a day she went from completely independent to needing 24/7 care. It was rough, sad, and unexpected. I was her 'official' caregiver and had to make arrangements for her to go into a facility where she could be appropriately cared for (on her limited funds) for the remaining 2 years of her life. And, of course, I was the one who was the liason with the home, the bill payer, etc.

Two very different situations--but the same in that we often find ourselves caring for our older relatives in ways we never expected and franly, weren't prepared for.

Now, I must add, while I was the main and 'official' care person, I was lucky to have a lot of help from other relatives.

As an only child, married to an only child, I was the 'responsible party' for two mothers. Fortunately both had the means to pay for nursing care.

My most difficult time was when my MIL insisted in staying in her apartment. She was a difficult personality, made more irritable by her poor health. Life was a revolving door of 'help' I would hire, for her to fire. Happily, for her and for me, once she agreed to try a home with levels of care she improved tremendously. She had companionship with other residents and...whether she knew it or not, her meds included a light 'upper'.

My maternal grandmother lived with my mother (and me until I married). She was a total pessimist, and she was resentful about having to live on after her husband died. Long after her death -- in her nineties -- I discovered valid reasons for her bitterness. (Genealogy sometimes explains a lot.)

Yes, I look after my Mother who is 91 and still lives in her own home. She really should be in a long term care facility but she won't go, she is very stubborn. I constantly worry about her, it is not fun.

My mom is 94, still in her own home and mostly independent. Just recently she had minor surgery in her hand and has needed me to take her to the doctor, hairdresser, grocery, etc. She still drives, although I hold my breath whenever she goes anywhere. I am happy to help her, but I feel like the "noose" is tightening and I will have to do more and more for her. I wish so much she would have moved out of that house long ago and into some sort of retirement community. She really doesn't need help at all for the most part, but wouldn't it be wonderful to have her all safely settled somewhere as she becomes more dependent on others (me!).

I hope I learn from her and make the proper decisions for myself when the time comes. I would hate to have my son be burdened with caring for me.

My Ex cared for his mother for many years. She wouldn't move out of a house she could no longer afford. I think she would have enjoyed a retirement community if she would have opened her mind to the idea. She could have sold the house and gone somewhere nice and also removed the burden from her son. She placed a lot of stress on our marriage. She was a very nice person but someone had to help her all the time.

Dad passed away in 1995. Mom was 68 at the time. She had never had a driver's license, done the banking, etc. Dad did all that. It had always been my desire to at some point have my aging parents living in my home, but the direction life took me was not what I expected. By the time Dad became ill, I had been divorced and married again and living in an apartment. My present husband and I checked on Mom often. At the time, my 3 brothes all lived within 10 miles of Mom's house, but didn't seem to have the time to visit even occasionally. Eventually I broached the subject with Mom about possibly moving closer to me. She didn't want to leave the home she had lived in for more than 30 years and suggested that DH and I and the two children still at home move in with her. Believe me, it was a huge adjustment, but it has worked to the advantage of all concerned, IMO. Mom is the best mother I could have ever hoped for and because we love AND respect each other, we are able to make it work. Of course, when we first moved in, she didn't need taking care of, other than rides to her doctor's appointments, ladies card day, volunteer work, etc. Over the years we have seen her through Hodgkins lymphoma and all the appointments for chemo and radiation that entailed. She had her 85th birthday last week, and she is much more frail than she was when we moved in, and takes a tumble or two a month (no broken bones, thank God). Eventually DH, who is self employed, moved his office home and he has been so good to Mom. He takes her to all her appointments, makes sure she eats (most times she'd skip breakfast and lunch), even when that means that he has to tempt her with something that might not be considered a healthy meal. My brothers can be counted on to do minor and some major repairs for her and are so thankful that we are here for her. She still does not need much looking after, but I know that day will come. And I feel blessed every day when I come home from work and see her beautiful face, knowing that she has been in the loving care of her son-in-law.

Sure, there have been times when things got a little sticky, LOL, but we have always worked through them.

Oh, I got off topic a little, didn't I? But thank you for letting me sing the praises of my Mom and Husband.

Yes, I've just started down that path with my Mom over the last couple of years as AMD and other health issues are taking their toll. She still lives alone and although I worry, I have to accept that because its her life and she is able to make rational decisions. She is stubborn about accepting help, but we're all finding our way together . . its hard and sad to watch someone you love begin to slip.

had my mother and it was aweful. it seemed the minute she moved here she gave up...wouldn't bring her car, and for the first month seemed like she was in bed 24/7, and i found i was enabling her...finally got her off that but still stressful...plus when she first came was watching dgd (2 at the time)and i resented having to give up that special bond, and she had to go into daycare...

fil was very stubborn, but now has upped his daycare lady to 3x a week (which he can afford) dh's cousin was very encouraged with the changes when she saw him last week...the asst care place he wants isn't available yet, but as long as he can live debt free (he pays the taxes on the house but belongs to 3rd wife's family) why not?

Yes. And a sister.

Both of our parents are now gone but we helped 3 of 4 who lived into their mid-80s. My father died at age 62. My mother and DH's father both lived in their own apartment or home until they died. They were fairly independent but needed quite a bit of help from us the older they got. DH's mother had a stroke and broken hip and never really recovered from those, needing care in a nursing home for 12 years. She was well cared for but either DH or I visited her several times a week and spent Christmas with her when she was no longer able to get out and no one else seemed to care that she was alone.

DH's parents were delightful - my mother had some issues. In spite of that I cherish the time we spent with all of them in their later years and feel blessed that we lived nearby and were in a position to be able to help them. We have a nice life and I think we owe our parents a lot for that.

Yes I did and it was not a good time in my life. My DMIL lived with us for a while and we round and round trying to place her whee she would be happy. In retrospect we should have placed her in a nursing home sooner rather than later. She actually adjusted and was much better off there i than in the small board and care home we tried near by.The year she lived with us was extremely hard on my DS who was a teen at the time. He told me later. While she was here he just mostly lived in his room feeling rather displaced. So in retrospect we would have done it differently.

Did not actually have to care for my mother in the usual sense but I had to deal with the repercussions left from my dad trying to do it on his own. she died unexpectedly while recovering from surgery. It was actually a blessing in disguise since she was very fearful and not dealing at all well with her illnesses. Basically turned herself into i an invalid. Not a fighter by nature and aging and it's ills were extremely hard on her. I was with her the night before her surgery and smoothed the way for her. I feel at peace with myself for having ben able to ease her fears. I communicated with her through the nurse the next day. She was happy. When she died I was on the way to visit. She died happy. It was a blessing.

Father was a grumpy old man who refused to leave his home. Wanted to die there and I had to make the 30 mile each way trips to check on him,shop for him etc. My brother was a bit of help then since he would do welfare checks and visits. But I prety much handled the rest. Dad one day told me he wanted to die at home and planned to stop eating. I aceded to his wishes and told him we would let him go when the time came without intervention. Unfortunately a nosy neighbor came over and called 911 when she saw him in his chair and he didn't answer. he woke in the hospital one grumpy and extremely sad camper. He died a few days later after I made sure they would not interfere further.

I was the black sheep of the family. But in the end I was the caregiver and the one who had to do most of the tough stuff.

In the middle of it right now. Mom is 85 this year.
Was taking care of my Uncle with ALZ, diabetes had to place him in assisted/nursing home.
My Dad had ALZ, diabetes, etc. Had to place him in assisted/nursing home. Dad was a runner and would escape. One night he got out and they had the State police, search and rescue, county police, volunteers, mounted police and search dogs looking for him. One officer saw him walking down the road and asked him where he was going. His response, "For my morning coffee"! Because of his antics and habit of disappearing I had to put him in a home. Mom couldn't do it.
I put Uncle and Dad in homes in May 2010. Uncle died January 15, 2011 and Dad died February 2, 2011. I wish I could have had the brothers in the same place, but it was just not possible. I'm sure they are together now.
My Mom got salmonella in November 2010 and has been fighting C-dif and pneumonia for the last 15 months.
It has been a hell of a ride.
Kathy G in MI

DH and I have been very "fortunate". All four of our parents were lucid and physically capable till their death, so we never had to care for any of them or deal with assisted living, nursing homes, etc. My MIL was terrified of both cancer and going into "a home". She was fine until she suffered a heart attack. But I remember she was quite the hypochondriac, fearing every little ache or pain was a sign of "cancer". She had seen both her husband and sister die of that disease.

Yes, I cared for my Dad for 18 months after he was terribly medically mistreated in several nursing homes. Luckily, both DH and I have been critical care nurses, because his level of required care was quite high. He had a trach, feeding tube, diabetes, etc. It was a really hard time, but looking back on it a very rewarding time. We nursed him back to some semblance of health and brought some happiness to his final years. He died clean and dry in a place that was familiar to him, instead of in a nursing home surrounded by people who barely cared for him.

My DH's parents died sudden. His mom was reading a paper, and just passed away. His dad was in a VA hospital, and after about 3 days, he too just passed away, cancer + other issues. They had taken care of themselves up to then and we really enjoyed visiting with them. On the other hand my folks were just the opposite. Dad was blind, and Mom in and out of hospitals. I was very lucky to have someone who had some nursing skills to come in with her 3 sons and live with them. I could not/would not be able to take care of them. As to ourselves, we are thinking even now about assisted living, especially in the winter. They have some very good ones both in Minot and Bismarck. And they have so many activities we both would enjoy. Even a monthly trip to the casino.. and we would not have to drive as we both still drive etc.

I wish I still was. Maybe I wouldn't say that if Mom had been in bad health for years. She went very quickly.

I suspect that I'd probably drive my son (daughter's too far away) ...

... up the wall!

o j

Not any more she passed away last week and I sure do miss her.

Well I am now the aging parent sigh.......So far no one is taking care of me. They call and bi__h at me regularly though. Mostly because I still drive a stick shift sportscar, I swear I hear about it twice a week. They don't come around unless they need something, and if and when I'm ready to be cared for, they will hire it done. So I take my vitamins, and eat right, do light exercise, and pray that when I get where I can't do it alone anymore that I just "Go" quickly!

Hi Amazing Aunt Audrey ... so - it's changing to "Aging Aunt Audrey", is it?

I've often heard that, "When you have to go - you have to go!".

But I hope that you won't "Go" for a while, yet!

o j

Nanatricia, I am sorry for your very recent loss - as well as for the others who posted.

I lost my parents just about a year ago a week apart from each other at the age of 90. Even though its a year, its still raw to talk about it. I am the only child and so there wasn't any help. It was difficult trying to take care of them when they lived 45 miles away and all the trips up and back and cooking and shopping doc appointments, etc., and then FINALLY getting them into assisted living - way, way overdue but they fought me and if I had it to do over again I would be more assertive, but it was a terribly stressful situation with them. I keep saying that I'll know how to handle my next set of parents muchbetter :)

Hugs Woodie and Nanatricia. You think you are prepared and then you find out you can never know that pain until it happens. I was talking to a friend the other day and we agreed - the pain doesn't really get better - it just gets "different"