The more time you spend with him, the more you can appreciate his point of view and ascertain his needs. Many offspring seek to help parents without a deep knowledge of their day-to-day existence, and problems ensue.

Yes, it's VERY hard to spend a lot of time with a person living 120 miles away if you are all working and handling kids and etc etc. Seniors can become closed off and accept that their kids have "gone their own way". There are always old issues that reemerge. Being around, visiting, sharing experiences, it's not the easy way but it is the best way. They are more likely to open up to you the more you are around.

There really is no one answer. Unless or until you KNOW he is unable to care for himself or is lonely/depressed I would do what I could to support his independence. Each person has their own determination to stay autonomous. I know there is NOTHING short of dementia that could get my dad to listen to "reason" if it were not what HE WANTED. It is a dance. He is blessed you are willing to do it with him. Many seniors are on their own.

I agree with what's been said. Is he in danger living the way he is? Or is it just that you think it's "time"? I would say, step back. If he's doing ok, but there is an area he needs help, then help in that area. If it's everything, and he truly isn't getting by, then find somewhere to live. What sort of services do you think he might need, vet or otherwise? I know they have financial services and insurance stuff. Beyond that, I'd have to ask my dad. He'd certainly know!

It's his life. If he's happy living independently on his own, then so be it. So long as he's able to maintain a reasonably healthy lifestyle...eating well, clean environment, driving safely... then there is no need to interfere. At most, I'd insist on a life alert button just so he can get help should he need it. In our area, the seniors run a call chain where someone calls someone else every morning just as a wellness check. But if independence is important to him, then let him keep it until illness takes it away. No need for you to do that.

My Dad was adamant that he remain in his home, even after disease took his mobility. He had an SO who was there, but not much help. She has her own issues, mental and physical. Anyway, Dad was able to adapt his home some for aging in place. One (rather expensive) thing he did was to put in an elevator. Even in his mobility wheel chair, he could use most of his house. He also had some services from the city to make things easier. Example, with a note from his doctor, they arranged to pick up his trash in his garage when he could no longer wheel it to the street. I believe the Post Office will do the same thing. Are there things your FIL could do to adapt as needed?

Dad ended up with home health care daily, and passed in his own bed. Just like he planned. :)

We have a relative who is 90, with an end stage illness, living alone in his house. Like your FIL, he will not hear of moving with relatives or senior center. I've given this a lot of thought as my worries seem to accomplish nothing and one thing I've observed is that these days, meeting little challenges fill his life. Something as simple as going from his bedroom to kitchen to make daily coffee. I think it makes him feel he still has life in him, still productive, no matter how simple. When relatives suggest stuff he gets very defensive and mean. So, what most of us have started doing is complimenting him on "going going going like a freight train" (do not add "for XYZ age"). When he's not on defensive mode, he seems more willing to ask for help. We all worry as closest relative lives 3 hrs away. I understand though how worried you are about his well being but if we go by my relative, Your FIL still had at least 10 more years. Wishing the best for you and him. My relative is not totally helpless. He had 2 neighbors, meals on wheels and postman who is his friend of many years,. They all have ways to contact many of us..

Maybe ole joyful will be here tomorrow!

We have a neighbor close to ninety who insists he'll never move. Hubby cut his grass. He still drives. We leave him the daily newspaper in his mailbox everyday. He'll drive his car down his long driveway to drop his garbage can on pick up day. Hubby brings the empty can back up for him. He has relatives, but we never see anyone stop up to see him. Bet the day he leaves this world all the relatives will be visiting his home to see what they could take.

There's no set time schedule each person has their own life schedule. In today's world 80's isn't as old as it used to be. Many of the people who live around me are in that age group and live extremely normal busy lives. Several more active than people in their 50's. The only thing I would suggest is since he is totally living alone ask if he would consider having someone to come help with the house one a week or every other week. That would be a slow gentle help. Mom finally allowed that. It made it easier when it was determined by her doctor she needed a little more help and we had someone come to help her bathe and get food etc. She was doing fine until she fell and broke her hip. An accident that can happen to anyone. That was the turning point in her ability to remain on her own. She was 93 when she left us. My husband's mother was also 93. I have a lady in my garden club that is 93, lives alone in her home, still gardens, loves working in the yard. Still goes out to her farm in the country and takes care of the house. It's amazing to me. So if is getting along well, fair health and mentally OK. Let him know you are there when he needs you but let him make his decisions as long as he can. Mom went downhill fast once she was forced to leave home and every day till the day she died she begged to go back home. Believe me that still rips my heart.

There's plenty of resources, for seniors, that want to age in place. Aging in place

I think that it is good if your FIL has a plan to implement as he ages although at 80 he should be fine for awhile. You might want to discuss with him the benefit of having a basic idea for the future (other than to live alone with no help). I think that the other posters' suggestions and advice are pertinent and I hope you are able to speak a little at a time to your FIL about the future. perhaps my two experiences will help you.

My wise mother realized that it was best to select her new living arrangements before it became necessary so that she had a choice and not require that her family make decisions for her in an emergency. I think her decision reflects true independence. She also realized the importance of living near a family member. Several years after my father passed away, she moved to independent senior living housing which is enjoyed located near my home.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has not made the same decision. My MIL is 100 and until the last 6 months she was doing okay on her own, but now she is as Annie puts it not " maintain{ing} a reasonably healthy lifestyle...eating well, clean environment", socializing. Her personality has always leaned to fiercely stubborn, highly opinionated, argumentative, and strong willed. She is almost deaf, so communicating is very difficult especially conversations about a change. Each son lives over 2 hours away from her. Every suggestion we have made or shown her , she has shot down. We have considered senior independent living, assisted living, and home services. We have gotten no where with her. We are coming to the realization that we are going to have to force the issue and move her against her will.

When I was most concerned about my aging father and when he was showing signs of approaching the inability to care for himself, he was also pushing back on moving. So one day when we were out I hugged him and said "oh, Dad, I love being with you so much. If you decide to move, I hope that it'll be someplace close to me so that I can be with you more often". It worked....the next day he called us and said "so - let's start looking at places close to you".

Within 2 months he was 5 minutes away from us and very, very happy. But - it had to be his idea.

In the meantime, I agree with those that say that you should not impose yourself on him. If he's happy and safe, that's what matters.

It's his life., until it becomes yours.

Is he safe, is he happy, can he still feed himself, grocery shop, does he still socialize, is he safe driving, are there any signs of cognitive impairment - only you and he can answer these questions.

My mom and my MIL are both 88 and both still living on their own.

My MIL has live-in help as she is on a walker and has some physical issues that need to be attended to during the day. My mom is in perfect physical health but has Alzheimers and refuses all help.

The big concern is being faced with an emergency situation that needs to be dealt with immediately. During the past year we have, with both moms, researched living facilities and they are both on wait lists for facilities that are pertinent to their needs. My mom will go to a memory care facility while my MIL will go to an assisted living one. Both are private facilities so that we can turn down a room when it becomes available and they stay at the top of the list. Government care facilities are run differently.

We have been brutally honest with both moms. We have told them that under no circumstances will they be living with us (my mom fell in the winter and lived with us for 5 weeks and that was a nightmare) nor will we be their caregivers. As it is we both take care of their banking and investments, their doctor appts, etc.

We have told them that they have to get arrangements made because it isn't fair to us to do otherwise.

Have you at least got Enduring Power of Attorney (it's called something else in the US), do you have signing authority on his bank accounts, do you know where his income comes from, do you know where his investments and bank accts are, do you know his PIN number, acct passwords, etc. That's a good place to start in terms of getting his affairs to a place where you can take over if necessary.

You need to arm yourself with information as to what his options are in case an emergency occurs and help is needed immediately.

It's all fine and well to say it's his life so let him make the decisions, but from what I see of my friends and what their dealing with in their parents, dying in peace one night in your bed is a fairy tale ending. At some point taking care of an elderly parent can become your life unless you prepare everyone, including your FIL, for a better outcome.

You also have to be brutally honest with yourself and your DH as to how much time, energy, emotion are you prepared to give to your FIL in caring for him. Are siblings prepared to step in and help out. (In my DH's situation, his 2 siblings won't help out.)

My DH and I are 63 and retired and we are brutally honest with the fact that our retirement does not include taking care of our moms. It just doesn't. We will make sure that they are taken care of and are safe and happy but beyond that, we have nothing to give.

This is probably more than you wanted/needed to know and I wish you luck in your conversations. Don't let your FIL tell you that something is none of your business because at this point everything is your business.

Good for you, blfenton. I think there's much to learn from your attitude and approach. I too refused to get sucked in to dealing with the consequences of parents' wrong-headed decisions. In my case, these were mostly on the side of my in-laws, but the effect was potentially the same.

Power of attorney. Same. And Living Will.

In this area they're called Healthcare Power of Attorney, General Power of Attorney, Will and Living Trust.

Different terms may be used elsewhere.

Healthcare proxy, power of attorney, will, trust, living will

This is a very hard topic for me, as we just lost our beloved Mom a little over a week ago. She was 84, very active and always full of life. We affectionately called her our Bunny (as in our energizer bunny) because no one could keep up with her. She lived alone in the larger sized house we grew up in and even after her diagnosis, she had no interest in changing that; regardless of our fears about it. I really agree, it is their life and if someone is high functioning, it should be their choice about how and where they live. I know it's not easy for their family, but do try to see it from his perspective. Inside seniors feel as young as we are, they want to run the roads and experience life just like us, yet their bodies won't cooperate. As someone ages, change also tends to become much harder for them as well. Because of the stress and depression that often comes from moving a senior into a group setting, those risks can far outweight the risks of living alone. When a senior is stressed or depressed, it affects their immunse system and illness can set in much easier.

With that in mind, we got creative in a way that didn't seem invasive. Every morning, she'd send a group email to say good morning and let us know how she was or what her plans were for that day. She loved that idea as it was a way for her to hear back from everyone too. We'd take turns calling so someone also spoke to her daily, we had a cleaning service go once a week to keep her home clean, a lawn service to take care of the yards and so on. She'd make a list of things she needed help with so the siblings living closer could schedule time to go help her. It was ideal because she felt independent living life surrounded by everything and everyone she loved.

I know 120 miles is a long way, especially if there were to be an emergency, but there are ways to make it work. There are services to help fill the gaps and even people you can hire to do check in calls. Face time or skype can be a great way to see visually how he is.

If you're worried something could happen, let him know, with our Mom, it wasn't so much what we were saying as to how we were saying it that made her receptive to our concerns. We didn't patronize or make her feel like it was a problem for us. We just told her how much we loved her, that we wanted her to be happy but safe as well. We asked her to try to think of things we could do to help make it easier or more comfortable for her so she felt like she still had some control over her life.

Now that she's slipped away from us, I can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing that we, as a family were able to make her senior years some of the best years of her life and we were able to do it in a way that wasn't threatening to her.

My father lives alone in a 2,200 sq. ft. home, with a good-sized yard. He does his own housework, cooks good meals, and does a little gardening and yard work. He is determined to stay in the home where he lived with my mother (they bought the house in 1957), until the time comes for him to join her. He still drives, and my brother and I routinely check on his driving--he is a very good driver. My brother owns a house across the street, and rents it (cheaply) to a family friend who keeps tabs on Dad, eats with him most days, and cuts his grass. I talk to Dad on the phone every day, and he frequently visits me (in VA) and my brother (in FL). He takes 6-8 cruises a year, and travels from MD to AZ to visit his "lady friend". He shows no signs of ill health or memory issues. He gets fabulous medical care from VA, and his doctors are fairly certain he will see 100. He was 94 in May. I pray that he never needs to leave his home, as he says he would rather die than go to a nursing home...and he refuses to live with his children (even though my brother and I would gladly take him in).

Thank you all for taking the time to share your stories and
point of view. Sorry I could not get back sooner, I was at work.

I would not try to change FIL living arrangements, we know
it is not up to us, but we are concerned that one day he will wake up and
decide that he can no longer live in the home alone and there is no plan or
research done to figure out what the next step would be. I have to believe that he recognizes that he
cannot age in place where he is. When he
can no longer drive or manage the 12 steps into the house, it will be time. (there are other circumstances that make his
current home challenging and the maintenance can be expensive) He had a small
stroke several weeks ago. (yep, he drove himself to the hospital) We have concerns about his cognitive ability before
that, and his driving is the pits, but hasn’t had more than a bumped fender.

We were talking about casually taking him to look different
housing options, just to look while it is not urgent. Then perhaps he may come to see the benefits to
some of the options in the future. Then
he could decide what he may or may not be interested in. One of our concerns is that most of his money
is tied up in the house which would have to be sold before a move could be
made. He lives in a fairly repressed
area with little employment opportunities.
Many of the homes are summer or seasonal.

There is just sooo much to consider. My grandfather just passed away in November
at age 99. He had an independent living
apartment and never needed extra services.
My folks are fine, only mid 70s and still active. There is a plan and
Dad has been filling out a book that will have all information I will ever need
for when the time comes. They do not
want burden us later on and make this unnecessarily difficult. It is amazing how different our parents are.

Again, thank you all for thoughts. Lukkirish, I am sorry to hear about your
mother, thank you especially for taking the time, I really do appreciate it.

What you need to do is find out if his bills are being paid and maybe put them on line and you have your name on his account to pay them and then you won't worry and he doesn't have to think about those bills being paid. Is he eating as alot of men don't cook and lots of elderly barely eat which is not good at all. If you are a good cook and he likes things you cook and you know what your mom did up for him, then maybe go up there and take him to grocery store and buy food and start a cooking fest up and freeze so that he just has to pull out them and microwave, put good easy instructions on it all. Does he love desserts, does have to follow a special food diet to eat????

Does he need things to be fixed in house?Arrange to have that done too for him.

What about his driving? Is he safe to drive as you say he is out alone.

What my mother did with her dad was when my grandmother passed in nursing home and he would spend his day there and walk back home.

She informed him it was either a nursing home he goes too or have someone come and live in the house with him and tend to his needs.

He said he will stay home and a wonderful couple was found and he called the lady mom and adored her and loved having another fellow too. They were not young but great for him. She got and cleaned out all his medications from bathroom cabinet and put his hearing aids in him and his teeth and made great meals and so he ate really well. They were family true and true.

We didn't have to worry about him at all, he was well loved and cared for to the end, they were with him for only a year and one day he wasn't feeling well and she said she wouldn't go to work and he said no go and she came home to find he passed away, his heart burst, he had a pacemaker.

she was so upset over the loss of my grandfather.

With my own parents, my mother my dad got caregivers but he needed them too. I was not able to really do the caring due to the circumstances of my mother being mentally ill and hating me, doctors wouldn't listen to me and no one did and my dad needed so much care too from caregivers but refused to have them due to my mother. It was a terrible situation and to stand there so helpless too and not being heard any anyone and plus they would phone the house and my dad would say all is okay and that was the end of that.

My brother wouldn't do one thing at all, that was that too.

Its not pleasant all the way around.

If he can afford it or you can help pay, and he is okay in a retirement home, check them out thoroughly though and taste the food/meals and sizes of room and if he drives about where to park his car and is there a cost for that????

What about washer and dryer, do they have private or public ones. Do they have to paycoin to use them???

I just find that alot don't work and some do and some upset the adult kids and others the parents and to work it out can be a difficult sitatuation.

Like my mentally ill mother kept firing the caregivers and I kept telling my brother in email and on and on it went, it was a huge horrible mess I didn't want part of it at all.

I just don't know what to say as that is what I dealt with and would have done worse except she killed herself my mother and my dad had passed away months before that.

kathy

I hope your dad's situation works out as he wishes.

My mother's life ended as she wished. We discovered my MIL was suffering from dementia. We saw her every week, but didn't realize how it was progressing until she came to live with us.

Fortunately she had all her legal docs in order. This is the biggest problem for family members. If you wait, and something happens to incapacitate the elderly, that person may no longer be legally recognized as capable of making sound decisions.

That means the concerned relatives have to hire a lawyer and go to court to be able to make the financial and legal decisions necessary. Whether the elderly is staying at home or needs facility care, you need those signed docs to DO anything.

Good luck to you going forward. It can be a rough road to travel.

Jakkom said....discovered my MIL was suffering from dementia. We saw her every week, but didn't realize how it was progressing until she came to live with us.

--------

a lot of elderly are sufficiently clever to talk a good talk which appears effortless. But it takes living together or incredible closeness to realize it takes a monumental effort to talk as if they still have it together, and why? Pride. They don't want to admit faculties are slipping by faster than they'd like. In short, they fake it ALAP but one must thread lightly b/c NOBODY wants to be told they're losing it. Elder care much harder than child care IMO.

We realized how big the problem was with my mom when it was too exhausting for her to fake it anymore. We were fortunate in that her GP at the time did recognize the signs and sent her to specialists to rule out other potential problems.

My mom and I had freq long distance chats and I thought she had her act 100% together. It wasn't until conversations became daily and I was making arrangements for her to move with me that I discovered she was barely at 50% of her abilities. I realized right then this was a bigger task that I could handle and immediately made backup plans for a home. As for me, her child, It was very difficult to face that my "rock" had lost mental acuity, for a while it attributing her slips to being a little goofy. Don't be on permanent hand-wringing mode, but beware of self-denial also.

My Dad lived a very healthy life up to 91 years. My stepmother became wheelchair bound and my dad took sole care of her at home for years. When he became frazzled with it he placed her in a nursing home. EVERY day and NEVER missed one day in five years, he took her homemade breakfast and dinner. He was incredibly devoted to her. When my stepmother past away Dad tried to find ways to keep busy, but his age and mourning took a toll on him.

I was my Dads ONLY caretaker as well as visitor, he had no one he wanted in his life but me. I lived a half hour away from him and tried my best to be there every other day to visit and had a standing Tuesday and Thursday outing to lunch.

On a Easter Sunday he drove to my home (yes still drove at 91) and as the meal progressed he looked somewhat out of sync. We asked if he felt alright and he said he was just tired and better go home. I walked him to his car, he got in started it and said "get Jerry"(my husband) I ran got DH and Dad said "my car won't go". Well the reason it would not go was that his foot was UNDER the brake pedal and he was pushing on the floor! We figured he had a minor stroke.

That's the moment we knew the end was on our doorstep. I drove dad home and told him get some rest as we were going to check into getting a nursing home. I never would have left him alone, but my dads Neighbor 20 feet away had two sons that worked with dh and they would be eyes and ears for us. My dad refused nursing homes or home nursing and said he would ONLY move in with me, so HE made me choose my home or me moving in with him! I was livid he asked that of me. We ended up moving him in our home as I had no choice. It was as BLFenton expierenced a nightmare!

As I was packing him up he was WALKING perfectly fine. He said don't forget to bring stepmothers wheelchair.( I could not understand why). And don't forget the Tylenol pm! I told him I had Tylenol pm and didn't need his right now. He said "you don't have enough for me" What I yelled. He said "you know I take Tylenol pm TWO of them FOUR times A DAY, been doing it for months now" Oh my I had no idea. He was driving for months and could have caused some serious problems.

We moved Dad in and the moment he walked in our door he asked for the wheelchair. He sat in it and NEVER once walked again. He from the next day began having minor strokes daily and constantly falling. I had hospice come in and Thank God for them for the help I got. It was so hard and exhausting taking care of him. I turned into a mean and angry person while he was here. I spent all day doing only for him and DH took the night shift after a very exhausting day of work. Hospice arranged for a week of respite care so I could take a breather. They found a room next door to where my dad spent 5 years visiting my stepmother and where she died.

One hour after taking Dad there he fell, broke his hip and from then on spiraled fast downhill. He died there 3 weeks after his arrival.

One thing we did do several years earlier was made me his personel rep and placed me on ALL accounts which made his estate a absolute breeze.

Something I wish to say to all in a situation with elderly parents is sometimes trying to take care of them in their own home or yours isn't always the right choice! I feel that had I not been so exhausted I never would have been mean angry and resentfull. I feel as though I wasted precious moments I could have shared with my Dad had someone else been taking care of his physical needs.

Isnel - I am so sorry that you went through that experience.

I only went through it twice for 5-6 weeks at a time and from that, knew I would never do it again.I didn't like the person I became and I didn't like the person that my mother became. And I so agree with you about wasting time that could have been enjoyable instead of drudgery.

You can contact the Aging and Disability Resource Center for your state. They are free and are a great source of information and referrals. Also, as your father was a vet, get in touch with the VA to get the process started for Aid and Dependent Services, which is their term for in-home caregiving. I am an advocate for people leaving the nursing homes and reintegrating back into the community. I can't tell you the difference in people living in a nursing home and being at home, when appropriate supports are in place. They thrive.

I didn't find those resources particularly helpful. There is quite a network, yes, but each agency kept sending me to the next b/c they were tapped out on resources. What I found most useful where these elder advocates who seemed to be familiar with the network and could help figure out one's way. I could have ultimately found what I needed, but not w/o making 100 calls and 10-20 visits. Just sharing so readers know what it's going to take. Not impossible but not easy!

For me the best resource was the Alzheimers Society. Our local office was a wealth of information, especially on navigating the health system and getting us connected with people such as gerontologists and Memory Care facilities, day programs etc. They also have support groups for the patient and for the families.

This is a passionate subject for so many. Isnel, that you for sharing. I had witnessed a similar situation where elderly parents went to live the only supportive daughter. Father passed, mother had dementia. At 91 she had a heart attack. The siblings insisted that mom have the bypass surgery even though she was deep into the dementia and no longer recognized her children. She lived another 5 years before passing way. It was heartbreaking. Daughter was exhausted mentally, physically & financially.

I will focus my efforts into finding services as well as housing options. He did say that he does not want to live with us, so that will provide some direction.