My "loves to push the limits social butterfly" is 16 and just got her license. I will be watching this thread with interest.

My son is 18 and about to graduate. His curfew was generally midnight, unless he was doing something that I was okay with him staying out later for -- like disco bowling or something like that. But I have been getting so much grief from him about it that I have changed it a bit. Often, he and his friends go to midnight movies, etc. and they don't end till around 2 a.m. I'm not crazy about that but, when I was in high school, we often went to Rocky Horror Picture Show on weekends, so it's hard for me to tell him he can't go to late movies! Basically, he has to text me and let me know where he is and what he is doing if he want's to stay out late and I let him know if it's okay. If he's just hanging around at a friend's house I'm more inclined to tell him to be home by midnight. But if they're going to late movies, bowling, etc., I'm okay with later. He knows that he has to wake me up when he gets home if I've gone to bed. Also, if I go to bed before he gets home, I set my alarm for the time he is due home then I know if he's late.

We adapted our curfews/limits to fit the teen and our family situation.

My oldest was very responsible, never gave us a minute's worry. He never had a curfew or a limit in high school. He told us where he was going and when he would be back and that was it. However, he never stayed out extremely late without a good reason. If he was coming home late from his job, from a sports activity, or out at the movies late, etc., he just let me know when he'd be home. I often stayed up to make sure he got safely home, but I was only concerned about safety, as in a possible car accident, nothing else. If he was going to be later than he planned, he let me know. He did not regularly stay out until the wee hours of the morning, just when he had something special going on.

My youngest pushed some limits and I came to the point where I was concerned about what she was doing, where she was, and who she was with. My concerns turned out to be well-founded. By the end of her junior year of high school I did feel that I needed to stay up until she got home, have her come tell me she was home and tell me a little bit about her evening. I wanted to look for any signs that she might be driving impaired. She did have a curfew, although if she was doing something special she could let me know and stay out later.

The only thing I'd tell another parent trying to decide these things is this. When you know for sure they're not using their freedom wisely and you need to tighten up on the limits, that's not so hard. It's easier to say flat out, "You have to do X, Y and Z until you earn our trust back." It's that gray area when you first start to have doubts that's hard, at least it was for me. I was very glad we had a precedent of a reasonable (for our family) curfew and that I had a long-standing habit of staying up late and saying a few words to them when they got in.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Bestyears, if you've been buying her gas and you still want to do so, perhaps keep it at that level and anything beyond that she has to pay for since she now has a job and wants to do things in the summer. Gas is expensive and not free-flowing! If that means she has less money for clothes or entertainment, etc., so be it. Driving is a privilege.

I joined AAA at 19 when I bought my first car. You might want to consider AAA if she will be driving to the beach if you don't already have it or a similar roadside assistance plan.

We are going to make my DS, age 17, miserable this summer (unintentionally). He'll be working FT Mon-Fri, so won't be able to be out late with friends during the week, and on weekends he'll be "forced" to go to our beach house with us. So he'll have very little social life. He has a GF and lots of friends, so I'm already anticipating a lot of grumbling about being home early on weeknights and/or being away with us on weekends. This post just served to remind me about that! He's a good kid and has never (knock on wood) given us an ounce of trouble, but we do get the typical teen grumbling when we make plans that take him away from his social life!

And PS we always tell him he is welcome to bring a friend or two to the beach house, but he never does!

Best way to enforce a curfew without staying up: Set your alarm clock for midnight. When said curfew -ee comes in, she turns off your alarm. If it goes off and wakes you, she's not home.

I have three kids for whom the concept of "envelope" never even registered. Not bad, but perhaps excessively fun loving. Our eldest once had a sleepover with several friends and about one o'clock in the morning I found them on the country lane behind our house filming each other riding flaming skateboards. Yes, they set their skateboards on FIRE. And rode them. Based on my experiences with my three and their friends, I would say generally that Nothing Good Happens After Midnight.

Thanks all... we do have AAA, though I would want her to call us first. And my thought about the gas is similar to gsciencechick -I'm going to figure out what I've been paying and offer her that, and the rest is up to her. Like daisy, our oldest just didn't push the limits, so life was easier. I wish we could go to bed and set an alarm, but honestly, neither my husband nor I seems capable of doing that.

DD is and always has been a really energetic, fun-loving girl, hell bent on making life a grand adventure. Nothing wrong with that of course, and to her credit, she has steered herself well away from the 'party kids', so I don't truly worry about that, but I sometimes just feel like it's exhausting just supervising her. The last two days of school they were released at 10:45... She went to the mall, then to lunch with friends, then to a pool party, then to dinner, then wanted to go to the mini-golf place at 9. Repeat the next day. She works so funds this herself. I'm sure there was a day when I lived life at that pace too, but I can barely stay awake past ten these days. Our rule is that she must text us from the place she is at prior to moving on to another location. She bristles even at that (who knew texting while you were out with friends could be so invasive LOL!). Her view is that as long as she's home by curfew, we don't need all the details. Mmmmmhmmmm. So while I don't honestly worry about 'partying' (though of course I am always looking for signs of anything along those lines) I do worry about her general safety. In the car, on fast roads, in parts of the city they ought not to be, etc.....

When I was a teen, I was a very straight kid with lots of great friends, and I had super strict parents. I was always the one in our group with the most limits. I not only resented it, but remember thinking, "This is so stupid, all this wasted worry and energy on things that are never going to happen." For example, my bestfriend's parents were going to be out for the night, so we would want to hang out at her house. It was just so great not to be under adult supervision all the time. We'd watch a scary movie, throw popcorn at each other.... the idea of having a party or sneaking booze in was not even in our universe. But that's what my parents would express to me. "How do we know you aren't going to .... blah, blah, blah." It all seemed to stupid. Now I feel a bit like I'm on the other end of it.

Thanks for all the thoughts. Hoping others will continue to weigh in....

I started to respond earlier but then decided to see how others felt.

So, to begin with I must have a recessive mom gene, because I NEVER stayed (or stay) up late waiting for mine to come home. I need my sleep and for some reason I haven't ever had any problem getting it no matter where my kids were! In fact I used to get puzzled looks from other parents when I explained that my rule has always been 'don't wake mom up when you come home'.

That said, both mine were trustworthy. I don't think we had a curfew at all for our son but he was the kid who actually left parties when he thought things were getting out of hand. He's now a federal law enforcement officer so I suppose his path was set early.

My daughter had a midnight curfew her first year or so of driving when she was 16-17 YO. After that, not so much. At 21 YO, she still lives at home since she is attending college locally. Not only do young people stay up late, we live in a place/social milieu that is literally 24-hour party time...South Beach anyone? She doesn't hang out there but in Miami life certainly starts at midnight. She is also the lead singer in a feminist hardcore rock band so their gigs often start and end late. What I tell her is to be VERY VERY careful and aware when she is out late. She doesn't drink or do drugs, but I'm well aware that the vast majority of other motorists or revelers do. So I warn her about watching for impaired drivers on the road, keeping her wits about her and not going to parking lots alone late at night and so on.

As was already said, so much depends on your kids and whether or not they earn and keep your trust as a parent. I am truly blessed and fortunate that both of my kids turned out to be level headed, non-partying types of young adults.

And last but not least if she is working I think your daughter absolutely should be paying for her own gas. Good first step for her to start managing her own budget and finances.

Just my .02 and good luck with your decision,
Ann

Bestyears, with my oldest, I tried to mimic the conditions my parents raised me under during my teen years, which were pre cell phone days.

I was a good, responsible teen with good, responsible friends. Like your daughter, I stayed on the go a lot when I was that age. None of us called our parents every time we went somewhere different. We'd have been constantly stopping at pay phones to update our parents. We all knew what boundaries our parents had, what they would approve of, and we stuck to that. If we wanted to leave our little town and go to the big city or do something out of the ordinary, we found a way to call our parents and let them know.

So if we wanted to go play putt-putt, get ice cream, play tennis at the high school after hours, we just went. If we wanted to go to the big city to a fancy restaurant, we called our moms and let them know.

So my rule with my kids was that they didn't have to let me know every time they went somewhere new. I could always reach them by cell phone if I wanted to talk to them.

However, I know a lot of parents who have the same rule you do - call every time you go somewhere else and let me know where you are. I don't think there's a right or wrong way.

It sounds like you have a terrific daughter. If she is working, keeping her grades up, having fun and on the go, that is great. You are obviously doing something right. It is so exhausting to raise kids like that, but so worth it. She is so much better off doing what she's doing than surfing the internet all day or playing video games. I know you have to set some limits to keep from being worn to a frazzle yourself, and your daughter will be a better person if she is raised to be considerate to the rest of the household.

Having said that, GO Bestyears' daughter!!!! What a gift to have a terrific daughter.

You've gotten some sage advice here! When making these choices for our teens I try to remind myself that my goal is for them to be responsible adults when they leave. What do they need to know how to do before they leave me and fly off to college? (My DS is a now college sophmore, DD will be a college freshman next year and one more at home). I have always thought that they need to be able to make decisions for themselves as long as they were NOT making poor choices about drinking/drugs/driving. So, my kids tell me where they are going, who they are with and when they will be home. When they were in HS they told me everytime, by text, they changed location. They come in and wake me up and tell me that they are home (a bit of inspection going on there). If they have to get up for work and they choose to stay out till 2am, well, that is a life lesson they get to learn when there are few actual real life consequences. We have good responsible kids who like to push some limits every now and then. However, I try and remind myself that I want to parent from a place of growth and learning, not from a place of restrictions and rules. At least after a certain age and level of maturity. I was all about the rules when they were younger! LOL!

My view is that they have their entire life to stay out all night long so too bad if they can't do it now.

I would set a curfew that was a little bit more than last year just so your child feels like they got some kind of "promotion."

This is coming from someone that was a very naive goody two-shoes, then my curfew was expanded and within one summer I went from that to a party girl. And I mean PARTY GIRL. My parents knew nothing. I was very sneaky and clever and never got in trouble - not once. But then I had a very dysfunctional family with parents that were a little more wrapped up in there own lives to be too worried about what I was doing.

My son had a curfew of midnight until he graduated HS. Funny thing, the only time he got in trouble (drinking/smoking pot) was in the middle of the day!

I do not think it is ever possible for Parent A to "parent" Parent B's kid. The dynamic in your family is already set. If you attempted to tighten your reigns because of suggestions here..I doubt it would go over well. If you decide to throw all caution to the wind because it worked for others, well it may not work out the same for you. Bottom line in parenting people do what feels right in their skin. You know your daughter, you know what you want to do. That is what you will do. Having said that, we only paid for gas that was school or work related. All socializing gas the kids pay for. Our curfew was their grade in school--on week ends, as in 10th grade meant you are home by 10 etc.... Weeknights they stay home after dinner, yes even summers. Jobs expect workers who are AWAKE..not still groggy from not enough sleep the night before. Ours were expected to have jobs all summer. We live in a society that thinks kids HAVE to socialize. Guess what THEY DON'T!! This is the age we teach them how to be responsible adults. Their time is coming SOON. It is not a lesson they just LEARN when they are 21 and on their own. We are happy with the way our three turned out. We would do nothing differently. As long as you can say that as a parent..you did your job. I have two in college who are not deviating from the values we wanted them to have, the third is beginning her senior year and looks to be following the example of her older siblings.

Very much like runninginplace, I didn't/don't wait up for DD to return home. We were pretty lenient when it came to curfew during her J/Sr yr of HS. DD was very good about letting us know where she would be, great student, and never gave us a worry. Those factors greatly influenced our leniency. There were many events held at school that went well after midnight, and my feeling was that my work was pretty much done by the time she was 17 or so, insofar as no tolerance for any type of driving/being a passenger while impaired.

My DD's group of friends always used/use a DD. The one instance where the appointed DD reneged on the responsiblity, it was a dealbreaker for the other friends and that friendship ended badly because of that breach in responsiblity.

Fast forward, during college breaks, DD still respectfully asked "is it ok if I do so & so"? Really, DD being 18 when starting college, and living away from home for 3/4 of the year, makes it difficult for them when they return home on break. Everything starts after 10 p.m. at that age and beyond. DD has just graduated college and is now back at home. There are really no "limits", however, DD still will ask is it ok, or in the alternative, give me a head's up of whether or not to expect that she will be coming home for the night. Now, I realize everyone is definitely not on the same page with me, and feel if the child lives under their roof, then their rules apply. While I agree in theory, that really depends on the type of kid, their friends, past behavior, trust, etc.

I agree that no other parent can make this call for you, since each family dynamic is different. However, I didn't want to repeat some mistakes that my own parents made when I was a teen. Tightening the leash really does cause rebellion in alot of kids.

Realizing this isn't what you want to hear, I will end with wishing you a great summer, and cooperation from your DD with whatever you determine to be a suitable curfew.

Thanks to everyone who weighed in.....

I believe strongly in the suggestion that a parent has to manage their kids authentically. What feels right to them... not everyone else. I learned this lesson the hard way with my first child. When he was a toddler, I had a bunch of friends who were very comfortable with food all over the house, no real bed time, playdough in the living room, etc. After a while I began to feel like an overly strict mom, so gritted my teeth and tried to accept some of these things in my own home. All it did was cause stress.... In the end I recognized this, went back to our ways, and we've always had a happy home and really great kids.

I guess I view this phase of managing young adults as a real transition. And as mentioned, I don't want to repeat my parent's errors, which fundamentally I view as a lack of respect from them toward me. So I'm trying to balance parental responsibility with a desire to show respect for the person she has developed into.

So my real goal here was to try to look more objectively at this situation through the eyes of other parents. My conclusion after all these replies is that I might be able to loosen up just a tad.

Again, thank you to everyone who weighed in.

I have two older teens, one will be a senior and the other just finished freshman year at college. Neither one drives (their choice) so I don't have any advice on setting limits with that but I read the thread with interest as I am sure they will be driving someday soon.

What I wanted to comment on after reading the thread was how many of you ladies were responsible, well-behaved kids yourselves--I kind of feel left out! I ran wild as a teen and pretty much did the opposite of what I was told to do until the day I left home.

So my parenting advice often comes from the place of thinking about how to set limits for kids like me, instead of the relatively reasonable, well-behaved kids I actually have. It was helpful for me to read everyone's rules and suggestions.

So my parenting advice often comes from the place of thinking about how to set limits for kids like me, instead of the relatively reasonable, well-behaved kids I actually have. It was helpful for me to read everyone's rules and suggestions.

It was interesting for me to read them, too, leafy02.

I wound up being your opposite - someone who was well-behaved and responsible as a teen trying to set limits for one of my own teens who wasn't. Or more accurately, was an uneasy mixture of very responsible and very not.

I did my best, as I'm sure we all do. I've come to a place where I try not to take much credit for my kids' successes nor much blame for their failures. Their dad and I love them very much and have always done our best. I very much agree with arcy...we all have to do what we think is right for our kid/our family.

I laughed at kswl's Nothing Good Happens After Midnight. That's been my experience, too, at least for 9th-12th grade teens.