So sorry you are having a tough time with your daughter. I have 3 sons, so didn't have the emotional attitude as much with them as I've heard teen girls go through.

I do think this is fairly normal and you shouldn't think she's down the tubes just yet. I'd say 90% of all teens are very very self centered and selfish and rude and ungrateful. I myself was barely speaking to my parents when I left for college - and believe it or not, I turned out ok.

I do think you should expect her to keep her grades up and continue to participate in band etc. I would set some "expectations" of what she needs to do to keep her phone and computer time. I would make them reasonable - perhaps she won't be solving international economic crises in the near future, but she will at some point become reinterested.

I would also get to know all of her friends and their parents. These girls will be her biggest influence and you need to know them and they need to know you know their parents so there's no pulling the wool over your eyes.

When I say be reasonable, I say this because if you set expectations that are so not in tune with her interests right now, she will become rebellious and secretive and believe me, that will be far worse than her lack of intellectual curiosity.

You need to know what she's up to, where she's going and with whom etc. It's a balancing act of keeping them on target but with enough freedom they don't totally shut down any interaction with you.

She's 14 and still manageable, unfortunately things may get worse before they get better, so if you can set some rules/guidelines that you all can live with now, it will be easier for you in the coming years.

I agree with what Cyn said. Take away her computer at certain times, and take away her phone at night. Of course she's going to hate you, that's what teens do best.

If you take her to counseling I think you're telling your dd there's something wrong with her, when there really isn't.

She's only 14 which means it's not too late to lay down some firm rules. Stop asking her what she wants from the grocery store. Doing that you're making HER in charge instead of you.

And kids get bored with their former hobbies. I did. My kids did.

On a side note about extra-curricular activities, I think parents are pushing their kids too hard so they'll be Einsteins instead of letting them be kids. But let her choose her activities, even if she drops them within a day. She'll find something that clicks.

You might also talk to her about being a Follower instead of a Leader. Following usually takes them down hill.

If I were 14 I think I'd spend a lot of time on the computer too because it IS addicting. I love FB, I love decorating and surfing the net. I could surf the Net all day if I could!

The problem is we have allowed our children to rely on electronics for their entertainment. Why not? Don't we do the same thing?

It's worse with girls too. It's in the female genes to chat all the time. lol. Just like we did in high school when we wrote notes to each other and talked on the phone constantly until our parents had had enough. But now it's the computer & phone texting/messaging. I am SO glad I waited until my boys were in college before giving them their first cell phone. Best decision we ever made, but cell phones weren't as popular as they are now.

Oh, one of our boys had a $200 bill on his cell phone when he was in college. We cancelled his account and he learned a lesson.

Stick to your guns and if you do, after a week or two she'll probably calm down & might actually find something else to do that she'd enjoy.

Did she use to read a lot? What about letting her have a Kindle or Nook in place of using the computer all the time?

I think she's normal to tell you the truth unless she might be into drugs or spiraling into depression. That's another ballgame.

Last night my dh and I made a pot of coffee at 10:30 and we stayed on the computers (his and hers, we sit back to back) until 2 a.m. I'm paying for it today though. lol.

It's this new electronic age our kids are growing up in. We let it happen. I know some parents are now using a PC instead of a laptop and the PC is in the public area of the house. Good!

Put your foot down and be patient.

Actually, it sounds to me like your daughter probably does know and would (if not pressed or confronted) acknowledge all the sacrifices that you mentioned you have made all her life for her. It's just that the heavy burden of all you have given has created a barrier to accomplishing (in a graceful way) the needed individuation tasks she has to do now.

You are well within your rights to restrain her access to unlimited electronic communication with her peers - as long as you set reasonable limits not a total ban, that is.

If she has an attitude, rolls her eyes, acts like you're unspeakable vermin, etc., you may have to consciously ignore that, for now, since you can't force her to stop. However, it wouldn't hurt her to come up against the natural limits of interpersonal exchanges where one party wants something from someone to whom they have repeatedly been vilely rude. The natural consequences of meanness are important life-skills training opportunites.

The thing is, though, what stares out to me from your post is a poignant cri de couer about the complete unfairness of all you have done for her so far being devalued by her present behaviour and attitudes. But that's a false equivalence. You didn't do all that just to receive a reward from her, did you? You probably did it because doing so met your own needs and standards for doing what was best for your child (at least as you saw it at the time). You didn't make a bargain with her ahead of time about this, so you can't reasonably claim she isn't holding up her end of the contract now. You made those choices, of course always with her interests in mind, but not her explicit, up front concurrence because of her age. So you can't hold her responsible for paying you back right now for your efforts.

I'm not saying she is absolved of any issues, she's not, as she still must maintain a certain decent participation in family life (with appropriate windage allowed for the miserable - and thankfully transitory - state of being 14). But you shouldn't expect to see the "payback" from your efforts right now. You will only see the results years from now as she matures, gains perspective and starts her own family, etc. If you demand to see it now, you may only make yourself and your whole family more miserable.

Meanwhile you have to find ways to adjust and find replacements for the emotional engagement you have had with her so far, as she takes on the next stages of her growing up, which is to grow away from you somewhat, so that she can come back, eventually.

So I concur with other posters that she sounds like she could benefit from some therapy so she has a place (and with someone neutral) to work her stuff out, on her own. And you may want to consider talking to someone yourself, (different therapist so there's no cross-over) to work through some of the issues that her (clumsy and hurtful, but what ya gonna do if you're only 14) attempts at separating herself from her family raise for you. I have watched a lot of my friends who have been outstanding, really engaged Moms smack right into this wall during the teen years. (All my friends have survived and more importantly all the kids turned out quite fine, eventually!) But it was very rough on them, at least for a while. The ones who dealt with it the best used this time re-focus more on their own interests, often blossoming in unexpected ways.

I hope I don't seem to be blaming you. I'm not at all, but not being a Mother myself has given me a bit of detachment from these struggles. That and having left home (permenently, as it turned out) at age 14 to go to boarding school on another continent from my perpatetic ex-pat parents gives me a different perspective on this age-old, age-driven and, usually, age-limited struggle.

What you're describing seems (depressingly) normal, but also reassuringly normal at the same time, I think. But it doesn't make it any less awful for you. Motherhood is defnitely not for the faint of heart or spirit, is it?

I hope you find a way through this thicket. I am in my early 60's now so most of my friends are past this, by decades, but I clearly remember their anguish at the time. I think they would all tell you that there is hope!

L.

This may come out sounding harsh, and for that, I'll apologize in advance. But I'm basing this on my own experiences as an adolescent, and projecting my former feelings onto your DD.

She's adjusting from her incredibly stimulating, nurturing and enriching environment to 'lowest common denominator land'. Clearly, she's realizing how unconventional her upbringing has been (she'd been home-schooled until now, right?) and seeing how the 'regular kids' live. And guess what? She's trying to fit in. That part is totally normal. Her friends prefer Facebook to Philharmonic, Showtime to Shakespeare, and Gaga to Gauguin. Your DD's in a tough spot. She can lower herself to the intellectual level of her classmates, or she can be even more of a 'misfit' (and I don't mean that in a bad way) than she already is...

I think Golddust is right on target about DD's trying to learn to navigate and master the social arena.

Sure, she had friends before. But she probably didn't have the whole 'clique scene' that she's likely dealing with now. I mean, did anybody really care before now what shoes she wore and whether her jeans came from Old Navy or Abercrombie? Believe me -- they care now. And if your DD's like many young teens, she's probably plenty PO'd (at you, of course) for how ill-equipped she is feeling to face these particular battles. And I imagine she's also feeling some shame (though she won't show it) because she knows these things are petty and foolish and small, and knows exactly how you feel about it, and how she should feel (but doesn't).

You want her to hold onto all of the knowledge, taste and values you shaped her with, to her intellect, her dedicated focus, her genius... But those things cost her social points in her new environment. And for a 14 y.o. girl, social status points and popularity are BIG.

What other educational options are available to you there? Is there a tiny private high school with an elite academic program where the environment you raised her in will be more typical? Where being so gifted and curious will be normal? Are there AP classes, independent study or community college classes she can take that pull her out of the mainstream of public high school life? Is there a magnet or special interest high school? Or is there a more intellectual group of kids in her current school that she could be encouraged (not necessarily by you) to befriend?

Bottom line - My take on this is that if your DD is half as bright as you are, she'll never fit in intellectually in an ordinary public high school. An extraordinary one perhaps; but an ordinary school? Which leaves her in a very difficult position. She can decide to be a high-achieving misfit, or she can try to fit in. There are a very few happy and popular high-achieving misfits in high school -- MANY in college. But most 'misfits' in high school aren't very happy...

I do hope I'm wrong.

Caroleoh used the appropriate word, EXPECTATIONS. It starts when they're very little~~chores as soon as they are 3 years of age, being responsible and making whatever small contribution to help with the household as well as themself. It's important kids know *they* need to give, if they want to receive, it's not just a 'given'.

I'm so sorry it's gotten to the point you're at, but like others have suggested, you may need outside help. An objective outsider, with nothing to gain, may not be the exact answer, but she may also need to vent, and it's a good start.

I have to agree w/L, *some* damage may have been done, but as a Mother of 5, it is fixable. God bless. ;o)

fly, do you know the friends she is online with? Or their parents? Are you comfortable or uncomfortable about her new friends? Some amount of testing one's wings & distancing from parents is normal. But if the group she's trying to fit in with is one you don't have a good feeling about, then it's time to worry.

When my kids started high school, I volunteered in the library. That way I could see what the kids in the school were like & what was going on without being in my own children's faces about it. Not only can you see first hand, but you hear about things too.* One unexpected benefit was that since other kids liked me, I was okay in my own kids' eyes -- not so much "Mom" as helpful staff member. Volunteering was extremely helpful in understanding what my kids were going through. Just a suggestion.

Re exceptional kid in public high school. It really depends on the school. Our public high school each year has a large group of achievers. They bond in the honors classes, feed off of each others' talents & quirks, and sail through the four years as a friendly, close-knit group. It's a good gig for bright, achieving girls. There are lots of groups to fit into in our school, and most students can find their niche. No group dominates. The kids are more sophisticated & fairly comfortable being themselves. So different from when I went to school.

*Plus you can assess teachers, but that's OT to your issue.

Since I didn't read more than your post before I responded, I just went back and read everyone's responses. OMG! My head would be spinning from the variety of responses you have received here. I can say that what you decided must be consistent with who she knows you to be. You can't change everything now or she will rightfully rebel.

I'm not necessarily in the send your kid to counseling camp right off the bat. I always felt that could make a regular teen who is going through regular growing pains feel like they are different and something is wrong with THEM. I do vote for you to get professional parenting advice from a *good* counselor. I have found that helpful at times. Of course if there is depression, that would not be sound advice.

I agree that most schools have AP classes and there is generally a good fit in some clique at school IF one doesn't get over stimulated by the new and bigger social scene, tossing real interests out the window meanwhile.

A small private school might make sense but Fly already stated that she isn't made of money because of choices she made on how to raise her child. (Standing and clapping for you now, Fly.)

Limit media time and volunteering at her school is an awesome idea.

Fly,
Your post made me tear up, I'm so sorry for the hurt you are feeling! I don't have any suggestions better than the ones everyone else has mentioned. I would take the phone at night. My son is 15 and never uses his, but most of the girl parents I know take the phone (some have to hide it) every night.

Bless you and good luck!

Beth P.

liriodendron, just food for thought, because I found your post mostly enlightening and agreed with most that you said.

What I didn't agree with is the part where you implied it was a waste of time to learn to be social in an average high school setting. I agree that it CAN be a waste of time but it isn't always. Learning how people tick is mandatory toward figuring out who you want to be (and who you don't want to be like). I don't see it as a waste of time at all. Communication is critical life skills. She has been shielded. It's natural that she is saturating herself now.

We are obviously talking about a girl with brains and standards. But she still needs to understand the general population. Maybe she is just taking People:101. Dare I project that class is necessary? It's only been three or so months and we all know she is a quick study.

Fly, I think you should stay close and give her lead way. Her grades are good and I see no real signs of alarm. Just limit it liberally.

OMG! It's not liriodendron I took issue with at all, it was sweeby that I agreed with most of what was said but for a few things... My apologies are respectfully submitted.

liriodendron, I think you are a wise person. I'm just used to dealing with real people's names instead of fake names. My mind is an inch long sometimes.

No apologies needed Golddust -- And Liriodendron - Fabulous post.

But to clarify -- I absolutely don't think it's a waste of time to learn 'American High School Girl 101'. As you so correctly point out, she will absolutely have to learn how to interact with 'average' people... It's a vitally important life skill.

The meaning I intended to confer was that it would be exceptionally difficult for her to retain her high standard of culture and intellectual pursuits while also fitting in to the mainstream of a typical public high school. Quite simply -- that the life she has led so far is not mainstream. She can either 'go mainstream' or retain her standards, but probably not both in a typical high school setting.

I'd also like to endorse the suggestion to limit her access to electronics to some degree. She herself will know it's becoming problematic, though I'd doubt she'd acknowledge it. And though she'll likely scream bloody murder and give you the icy glare for weeks, she'll get over it and learn to cope. The other good students with conscientious parents have been fighting this battle since middle school...

FL, I am so sorry! I am neither wise nor have been a mom of a 14 y.o. so I am guessing I will think back to my "advice" in 4 years and laugh at how useless it is!

One thing-- not sure if this will help . . .but I never rebelled as a teen. Why? Well, my dad died when I was 13, my sister went through normal teen rebellion, my mom would tell me about her problems, so I felt like I couldn't. So, on one hand, take this as a sign that your DD feels like you are stable enough to handle this!

RE: the limits, yes, definitely set them. Frankly, I think it's easy for ALL of us to get sucked into the tech world. (What am I doing right now?????) I sort of wish someone would just limit it for me! You are doing her a favor, not denying her.

RE: academics, I would agree with sweeby . . .is there any place your DD could go instead of her current school? If you want to move to IL, we have a free math/science school for gifted high schoolers. :) It's a shame these are not in every state!

One of the things I read in a book by Rabbi Shmuley-- he said, "If there are no parents, there are no children." In other words, she NEEDS you to set limits, because otherwise she's raising herself. BUT, he also says you (as a parent) have to have the camp counselor attitude. You've done it for years . . .given her all of the opportunities, but maybe now it's time to force it. (Is it possible?) There are a few books out there (Sibling Society and Hold Onto Your Kids) that show how dangerous it is to put friends before family-- even though kids seem like they want that, they don't (think Lord of the Flies).

I don't know . . .these are all things I am very worried about with my own children. I don't know if it will work, I plan on MAKING them spend time with ME. In other words, I don't want to tell them that they can't go out with their friends, but that we are going to x, y, or z-- together. AND, I will include their friends, so that I get to know them, and then they can develop new interests together.

One final idea . . .is there anywhere she would want to volunteer that isn't for doing something charitable, but something academic? For example, I plan on keeping my DD busy with an internship at Brookfield Zoo when she's old enough. One other possibility is to get involved in a theater group. They seem to offer a lot of social opportunities but have a common goal. Of course, GETTING them to actually do it is another story, huh?

Just random thoughts here . . .I think as long as she sees you are not giving up on her (even though she is giving you the mean looks and attitude), she will come through this fine. Think of the book, The Runaway Bunny!

Anyway, I'll save this post so I can laugh at my dumb advice when I'm in this situation! :)

I have a friend who is a child developmental psychologist who told me that I should journal the behaviors that I saw at ages 3,4,5,6,7,8 and keep track of effective strategies as I found them. She said the same basic issues and struggles that showed up at 4 would be revisited around 14. And modifications of the same strategies would be effective. If my daughter's 4s and 5s are truly indicative, then late 14 and All of 15 are going to be a very bumpy road for us indeed.

So I'm hoping that you hang in there, and that your daughter was a delightful 6 and 7 year old and that 16 and 17 are a dewy fresh new world after a bad cloudburst. Sorry if that sounds corny ; )

Liriodendron, loved your post btw.

I grew up in a difficult family situation. I tried to conceive for 7 years, tried and failed many fertility options. I eventually shifted my goals and applied to medical school, found out I was expecting 4 weeks after submitting my application. Had daughter and was admitted to medical school on the same day! Couldn't manage both, gave up after 2nd year of m.s., to be a stay at home mom.

In short because of my longing for love from my family of origin, my longing for a baby during the infertile years, and opportunity costs of choosing her over med school, daughter can utterly rule my heart if I'm not careful, and my judgement is sometimes clouded by my need to bask if not wallow in her cheerful easy love. So, I often defer to my husband when i get conflicted. He had a pretty normal upbringing with normal boundaries. And failing that, a counselor can really help sort things out for me. What does her dad think of the changes? Is he as alarmed as you are? I think you are getting some good insights in this thread too.

The feeling I get from what you wrote is that you adore her, you are immensely proud of her, and that you have prioritized her needs.
In my daughter, i am noticing that having so much attention -instead of creating a rock solid self esteem as I would have expected - created a craving for a similar level of attention and affection other people as well. So ironically, she is very concerned with what her friends think of her and will work very hard at her friendships. (so now we are trying to cultivate a different response) Wondering if a similar dynamic could be causing your daughter to invest heavily in her friends?

All that aside, I'm sorry you are hurting so much, and feeling so much fear. I can't offer any really useful advice because my daughter is 8, not 18. But I can offer my deeply held belief that you obviously love your daughter and are proud of her and she knows that, and that the situation and your daughter will "come right again".

(up late, hope this is not too stream of consciousness in the am)

I guess I am the add man out. I have raised two past 14 year old girls. They are both 4.0 students and very active in all things musical and theatrical and employed. At the moment they are 16 and 17. I found them to be no more difficult than my son who is now 21 and excelling in college. At 14 mine did not have a cell phone. They were not allowed Facebook. We live too far out of town for friends to be an issue. This is easy. Her cell phone goes in your room at 10:00. Call the phone company, let her know you will read all her texts. Ours did not have texting unless they could pay for it. She continues to be at family dinners, do her chores, keep her grades up. When she fails at her responsibilities her privileges are taken away. She should not have a private computer. She can be allowed on it in a public room. She needs to find friends that share her interest. Finding friends to have friends is a mistake for her. We are in danger of allowing peers to be more influential than family. Cell phones and computers are the access. You would not allow a friend to be over 14 hours a day. Don't allow them to have access to your daughter through social media either. You may have attempted to reign her in but it sounds like she doesn't believe you. If she is not allowed to chat, text, i-message these "friends" who are influencing her, they would go away. If she had nothing else to do she would return to her interests. She is building false relationships. You are allowing it. No one needs therapy, you all need to just "man" up and parent this child whether it is fun or not. I know no one wants to take my parenting advice. EVERYONE wants my children to be theirs. Curious isn't it.

Arcy,

-1 for undermining a helpful post with snitty last 3 lines!

Arcy, just because some of us have had more socially active children doesn't mean we aren't active parents. That statement is just plain silly. In fact, I would say that the fact you live so far out of town that friends aren't an issue is probably 80% of your parenting success.

I do agree that limiting cell/computer time would free up her brain for other pursuits! We have AT&T and they have a plan that allows you to setup access times for calls/texts etc. That way, the rule is enforced every day without you having to nag.

I didn't realize your daughter was home schooled, so I would agree that she's probably going through an immersion stage with public school social life. It's tough trying to make friends and fit in when you're 14.

I'd set in writing as you've stated some boundaries and go from there. If she responds and adjusts to some rules/restrictions then you know that's just what she needed. If not, then you go to plan B. Which you don't necessarily have to have figured out just yet!

Sweeby is spot-on. If there is not a serious gifted/AP/Honors track at this high school, you need to change her environment before it changes her.

There was a great study years ago about how much MORE a teen's peer group influences them than their parents do. The scientists concluded that choice of school, neighborhood, and activities were by far the most important decisions the parents of a teen would make, as determinants of their teen's development during those years.

I have a 15 year old daughter, and I thank God every single night that she has not gone nuts on me. But she has paid some steep social costs to end up this way. She had zillions of friends in elementary and middle school. Everybody wanted to be her friend. Part of it, and I think this was inborn in her case, is that she had a lot of natural leadership in her personality. So peers clamored around her like moths to a flame. Today, in 10th grade, she has three fabulous friends and that's it. The group of girls who clamored around her previously seem to be drinking and having sex nearly constantly. (Thanks to FB, it's pretty easy to track these things).

So in my daughter's case, I think a big part of the reason she has been able to resist is because she IS a strong personality. (She was also repeatedly introduced to pot at what I thought would be a wonderful first job as a lifeguard this summer, but didn't cowtow to that either). She is also a GT girl -though not as profoundly as some. She actually has to work quite a bit harder than many. She isn't quite GT-enough to hang with the true nerds, which is why I thank God for her three fabulous friends who are just like her. I cannot imagine what path she might have chosen if she didn't have these three friends.

I'm also a GT educator, and what you are describing is painfully common for very bright teens -ESPECIALLY if they are lone ducks in the pond. There's a very high dropout rate for GT boys for this very reason. The brighter they are, the worse it is.

If it were me, I'd pull her out of that school. Even if it means homeschooling her again and hiring tutors if you aren't up to the task. You may also have to nip the cellphone, FB etc. during the transition phase to really break the connection to that group.

I can imagine this seems like an extreme opinion, but to me this is like Pandora's box. You've just barely cracked the lid open and look at the chaos. Can you really afford to open it all the way?!!?

I know your heart must be heavy and you probably lie awake at night with worry. It sounds like you have an AMAZING daughter -now is the time to be a mama bear, and wrestle her onto the right path if need be...

the teen years are crazy times for kids... much crazier for some kids than others, unfortunately... it amazes me how DIFFERENT children from the same family can be!!! and, teen logic is quite different than adult logic sometimes--even when the kid is really smart!!

like trailrunner, i have a child who worried/s me far more than my other kids did/do... he is truly 'wired' very differently. and, as parents, it is REALLY hard to watch the 'downward spiral' as they transform from smart, bright-eyed, enthusiastic, joyful children to surly, rebellious, angry, smart-a'd, etc teens!! even tho i have a backround in working with lots of teens, i cried, read lots, went to workshops/discussions, etc trying to understand!! it always helped me to talk to some of his friends' parents to get their perspective on him--was always positive!

but, it is really normal for teens to want to separate from their parents.... and to start creating their own goals and lives for themselves.... and, unfortunately their goals and desires don't always line up with ours!!! but, you have worked hard to create a diverse base of knowledge for her, and she will always draw on that! they're only kids for such a short period of their lives...unfortunately :)

i think you need to step back and let her grow up, of course monitoring for self-destructive behaviors... reading your post, it doesn't sound like she's demonstrating that... if her grades start plummeting, if she starts disobeying curfew, not telling you where she's going, etc, etc i might start to worry... get to know her new friends if you can! (and their parents!)

i also think it's totally normal for kids to want to participate in an activity that a friend is in-especially freshman... i told my kids that i don't care what sport they chose to do, but they had to have a sport every season--they all really needed a physical outlet and more structure to their day. (happily 2 chose track, which is 3 seasons at our school!)

Mom of 2 teens and one tween here. I think you have received some very good advice Fly; I especially agree with Liriodendron, goldust and sweeby (except for the part that HS is a vast intellectual wasteland :) ). I will not add onto what they have already said. I will give you a few suggestions that you can take or leave.
We have found it best to parent through the end product. Meaning, decide what you want your daughter to achieve and then set those as her goals. How she reaches those goals is really up to her. You can no longer micro manage the path or the process, only set the end product goal and set the consequences for not meeting that end product goal. We also feel that a carrot is better than a stick when motivating teens, in most, but not all cases.
Here are our house "rules" or guidelines:

1) Be respectful. Do what we ask, when we ask and be nice about it. Tone and attitude are important. We don't require "happy, happy", although we would like it, but we do require respect in tone and speech.

2) Do well in school. Period. We know our children and our kids are capable of some good stuff. Our school has a "high honor roll" that requires a weighted average of 95%. We provide a cash incentive (carrot) if our kids make the high honor roll. They get nothing if they miss it by even a .001%. Many parents will cringe at paying for grades, but we felt this was the motivation our kids needed to motivate themselves to consistently meet that achievement. This way a high B in one or two particularly difficult class does not kill their ability to get the high honor role and their money. We set the goal and our kids have achieved it every single quarter. This goal could be modified depending on each kid�s ability. GPA of 3.4 or 85% or whatever works for a particular kid.

3) As long as our kids meet goals 1 and 2, we do not monitor texting times, amount of TV/computer time, or if their homework is done because they have met their obligations and have earned the privilege of making these decisions for themselves. It is not our job to figure out what they need to do to meet their goals. If they stay up till 2am texting, then they will be tired the next day. They probably will not perform to their best that day. This will affect them meeting their goals. Consequences for not meeting their goals include us monitoring and dictating computer, Tv, text, going out with friends, etc. They like their privileges and work to keep them. They now do it because they want to, not because we want them to.

Teens want the opportunity to rule their own destiny. It is our job to make sure they are prepared to do so before they leave for college by allowing them to figure out what works best for them. What worked for you when you went to school might not work for your daughter. She has to find her own path.

They also have to find their passion. You could insist that she be involved in one extracurricular each season, be it track, robotics club, whatever. If she spends more time dedicated to an EC, she may find her passion and get involved with some driven students. She has to pick what it is though, not you. But she has to pick something. Remember when they were little and you gave them choice A or choice B for dinner, but never asked an open ended question like "what do you want for dinner?" It�s kind of like that. She has to choose something, but she gets to decide what.

I also want to say that although you want a close relationship with your daughter, you can't make her want one with you. She will come back to you later. However, for now, crying, being sad, being emotional with your daughter is counterproductive to you getting what you want. She needs space and time. Without trying to offend you, your original post seemed somewhat needy and overly emotional. You have to rein it in, at least in front of her. Use the board to vent your true feelings, but be a tower of strength when with your daughter. Good luck, we have all been there!

Liriodendron - a truly wonderful post. It's good to remember that this is an age-old struggle.

Flyleft - I know what you are going through. I struggle with my argumentative 16-year-old son who now cares very little about his schoolwork. He is still college-bound, but is not following "the plan", which I am now realizing was my plan, not his.

I really believe that we can only do our best and then let them figure things out on their own. You can't hide them from the world. That can backfire.

Some kids may simply be meeker, or closely identify with their parents. My son was escaping from me ever since he could crawl. I've devoted all my energy to my children and now wonder if I should have saved some for myself.

I've read almost the whole post; have about 6 above me..

Anyway; being 14 & having a 14 year old are 2 different things. Teens these days do not have it easy. The electronic age has caused lots of issues; girls are afraid to use bathrooms for fear of someone snapping a photo; they don't realize that once you write something it forever lives & can be forwarded; posted online- as well as edited to fit someone else.

We go shopping; how many people take pictures of us that we are clueless about? Look at the site people of Walmart. Then there are other sites where teens pictures are posted. There is also another site of stupid texts. It makes me wonder how many teens actually worry their lives will be uploaded behind their backs.

14 is hard with hormones raging. I watch my own daughter & her friends & I try to speak to them.. tell them how none of this will matter in a few years; the catty girls; the boy drama; but they don't listen because they have to make mistakes like we did.

I also say get a counselor; start with you & try to bring her in to get communication open because if she really needs it; she may never feel comfortable to talk. I'm dealing with a depressed 18 year old; have tried to get her counseling for close to 10 years if not longer. Thanksgiving night she woke me up texting me that she was going to do something stupid. She was admitted for 4 days in April for OD'ing on sleeping pills.

As far as electronics; you can take the battery out of the cell to let her hold her own phone so that she doesn't feel violated. I would not let her have the cell all night & if she has a laptop; take that away too. The drama needs to stop at night.

What I'm seeing now- kids can get easy access to cash; they can buy their own cell phones at Walmart without you knowing. They can sell their clothing to Plato's closet; can take their electronics to various stores to get cash.

Being a parent is not easy; but being a teen is not easy either.

I haven't read all the responses, but here is a thought.

How about sitting her down and telling her she can do all the texting and computer time she wants.....as long as she pays for it. I know she is only 14, but she can easily contribute to the household in order to get cell phone minutes and computer privileges.

I grew up poor in a well-to-do neighborhood, only b/c my parents divorced under some really bad circumstances. I got my first job at 10 as a mother's helper. I paid for ALL my privileges myself as opposed to all my friends who had everything handed to them. I can tell you NOT one of my friends thought twice about blowing the money their parents gave them on drugs or alcohol. And even though I hung with them, I WAS NOT going to waste my hard earned money on drugs or alcohol. My friends parents all paid for their college tuition, I had to take out loans. ALL my friends were WILD in college with mediocre grades, I studied hard, graduated with a 3.9 GPA and got a high paying job after college and was able to pay off my loans in half the time.
At the time, I had drive for selfish reasons not because I wanted to impress anyone or please my parents. Trust me there was rebellion, but I thought twice about my actions and consequences because NOTHING was handed to me.
Also, I saw recently an interview of an author of a book written by a 20 year old on how to talk to and handle your teenagers. It was amazing because this girl was spot on. She told her side of the story about how teens actually WANT confrontation. I wish I could remember the name.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry you're having these problems with your 14 year old. But, just know you're not alone.

By the way; hopefully what I said about being 14 & raising a 14 year old won't be taken wrong by anyone. I've raised 2; they are 8 years apart & the electronic times are so much different now then when I raised my 1st one. As I mentioned; teens these days have quick access to money- the rules are different at each store; but if they go with a friend & another parent; the other parent may not think twice about signing for your child to get cash if they are trading some of their stuff in. I've controlled as much as I can & mine still managed to buy a cell phone behind my back; trade Ugg's & other clothing in & I had no clue until recently.

It's no secret that we moved back in 2008; our old town which was fine for my son was not for my girl & she's resented me taking her away from her friends. Had we stayed; I doubt she would still be here.

Hugs to you, Flyleft. I feel your pain. I have 2 sons, 18 and almost 14, and one 9 year old daughter. Their personalities are all so different as well as what motivtes them to be all that they can be and set their own standards high. I have struggled the most with my 18 year old, partially because of his temperment. He has always been quiet yet impulsive, having great difficulty communicating his feelings until he's had an eternity to process them himself. Also, he's my practice child. I've made so many mistakes. But I have found that I want them to live in this world but not be OF this world, if that makes sense. I don't want them to be completely in the dark about what's out there, but I want them to get it in small manageable doses with my help to navigate. I have never let my kids have their own computers or TV's in their rooms. Those items are shared items in public spaces in our home. They received their first cell phones at the age of 13, mainly for my convenience to reach them - but also because they wanted them so badly. I take their phones often for misbehavior and read all the texts. We have lots of discussions about friends behavior and how friends choices will affect them + or -. I still have so much to learn, and my kids have made a lot of mistakes. I'm just trying to let them separate from me and trying tl let them do it in a healthy way. It's all so hard. Just know you're not alone. Sounds like you're a great parent of a great kid. This too shall pass and you all will get to the other side of this with great success, I sense.

Just checking back in to say I'm always overwhelmed by the caring and wise people on this forum. Of course there are many ways to be an affective parent so the diversity of advice is not surprising.

Each kid is different and calls for a different strategy. Where, oh where are their manuals that should have come with them at birth, anyway?

My heart is with you Fly. You will get through it.

Thank you all so much...I started to write a reply last night but found I was getting lost in all the scrolling, so I'm going to print out the thread and then reply to it intelligently.

Yes, there's a wide spectrum of advice, but all of it is valuable -- 'all is grist', as a teacher of mine used to say.

I wish I had more kids so 1) this one wouldn't be the only representative of her generation here and 2) I could call her my 'practice child'! (joanie, I've heard that phrase before -- makes me laugh : ))

Before I get an attribution of a thought wrong, I'm off to print, underline, and reply. But already I feel better and less alone. Honestly, I would have felt uncomfortable telling all this to a friend who knows her IRL--this is a great example of one thing that the net is good for. Of course, if any of you ever meet her IRL, you're sworn to silence : )

Fly; some times people IRL are not much help because they've never raised a child like this. There is no rhyme or reason to why some do this; except to say it's them trying to learn on their own.

You can tighten reins but that also could back fire. You're the only one that knows your child & what to do.

Of course, if any of you ever meet her IRL, you're sworn to silence : )

If any of us meet her in real life she won't be the kid you're describing, she'll be the charming child you remember and the antithesis of how she acts with you. I have enough nieces, nephews, and friend's kids to see that happen repeatedly.

I don't have any kids or any advice but I've been so impressed and interested in all the advice here. You never know when something I read here will help somewhere else in my life.

Good luck. Stay strong. She can't be 14 forever.

The one thing that jumps out at me and has been mentioned in previous posts is that you HAVE to limit the online stuff.

For teens it's a horrible black hole, even when the content is positive. Add constant exposure to jealousy, drama and hormones and it's no wonder why they are tense, impatient and sullen.

I have a 14 yo girl too. In two short years she went from being the child that earned the good citizen award for her entire grade to a child that posted horrendous things in private messages in Facebook that made me ill.

I have an older child that has pretty sensitive radar about behavior so I mistakenly assumed that my younger one did too. ha. Her online presence is now restricted and constantly monitored.

She gets mad that I know her business but she also knows that she severely shattered my trust. The whole situation makes me sad and I HATE playing the online cop but I know it is for her own good.

Hugs. I completely sympathize.

Dee, you are so right, and I also agree with Arcy. The main problem I'm seeing is the enormous amount of time spent online and on her phone.

Fly, not sure if you do FB or not, but she can send public messages from her email via her cell phone to FB.

Limiting this will immediately draw her back into the family doing family things again and possibly finding something else to do. Of course she's going to be pi$$ed for a long time, but it too shall pass. That's the hardest part, having our kids mad at us.

The other problem is that if things are limited too much; she will get sneaky & buy a throw away cell to do it; or use someone else's cell or computer. She may not have to buy a phone; one of her friends may have one laying around & let her add minutes to it. Been there & done that too..

I also found out that while some schools limit what their computers can access; there are ways around that too with a cloak site. Kids know they can use a thumb drive; put firefox mobile on it & access stuff that way if they need to.

There has to be a way parents can get around these loop holes the kids know. It's getting harder to stay one step ahead of them.

Yep, sounds like puberty. Better she goes through this now than in college. There are a lot worse things that she can get into at that point!!

Anyway, from the perspective of a former 14-year-old

* ditto on the G&T program. She needs to be around her peer group more
* ditto on her paying for her own discretionary expenses.
* can she get a job? That'll keep her busy, responsible, and away from social media

Also, it sounds like you were very intensively involved in her life through homeschooling. From all of the activities and accomplishment that you describe, it sounds like you've done a terrific job with her. But, as she starts learning how to fly, you need to move on with YOUR life. I have seen quite a few mothers who spent 0 - 18 being "Firstname's Mommy" and who had nothing to fall back on when their children grew up. I don't know if you still have more at home, but it is time to start thinking about your own transition.

I still remember the story I heard about how one of my friends (Friend X) was working the counter at a falafel joint and Musician Girl's Mommy came in. Musican Girl's Mommy was talking with a friend a few people back in line and said, "I just can't understand why Musician Girl's Friend would pick Friend X and Friend Y to go traveling with rather than MY daughter." Musician Girl was 19 at the time and quite able to handle her own social scene.

"But, as she starts learning how to fly, you need to move on with YOUR life. I have seen quite a few mothers who spent 0 - 18 being "Firstname's Mommy" and who had nothing to fall back on when their children grew up. I don't know if you still have more at home, but it is time to start thinking about your own transition. "

I respectfully disagree, jane. The teenage years are when parents need to keep close tabs on who their kids are becoming, who they're socializing with, and be watchful for all the emotional vicissitudes that are part of the teen years. You need to keep an ear to the ground constantly. You need to have a strong presence. It's not the time to become self-absorbed or distracted or to cut back on parenting. The high school years go fast (they're like a vortex that spins faster & faster). Plenty of time afterwards to rediscover your inner whatever.

As a follow up to the above post, I must say that I became completely lost and got into the worst trouble ever when at age 14 my Mom decided to go to work with my Dad. For the first time, I had no parent home and no supervision after school until 6:30 each night. I firmly believe that just because they are old enough to babysit someone else's kid doesn't mean they're old enough to be home alone or unsupervised on a regular basis. They don't think they need you as teenagers but they do.
Also, sometimes with my kids when the behavior or attitudes become sour, I tell them "no you can't do anything this weekend, your attitude stinks and you need to spend more time with your family". I happen to love it when they're grounded. Once they get over being ticked and they settle down, they actually participate in our family activities and are a joy to be around. Then I get a chance to praise them which can be hard when don't seem to be doing anything right. Okay, I'll stop now. Sorry for the ramble.

This article had some good insights -- the need for young teens, especially girls, to connect for self-identity & reinforcement, the tendency of girls to over-talk things, the downside of ignoring self to be part of a group, the benefit of parents being The Bad Guy in the texting wars:
teens & texting

joanie, your comment about kids getting over their snit when grounded, then having good family time hit home. I had some of my best bonding moments after cooling off from a verbal blow out with my sons (the Ef You's were flying from both sides). I think it's imperative for a parent to take the lead to reconnect & reassure after a bad clash: "I'm sorry I got so angry. Still haven't changed my mind! But I'm sorry things got ugly. Sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. You're the most important person in my life. I love you more than I can say." I think deep down they know you're right and respect you for hanging in there with them.

I'm sorry I haven't had time to read all of the responses, but it reminds me very much of what we have been going through with my 13 year old.

We have 2 girls and the 13 yr old was the first and was always the "perfect" child. Never cried or had fits, got good grades and always had perfect reports from school (socially as well as academically). My 2nd girl was a different story. Great kid, but a handful right from day one. The sort of kid who loves life, but would run into traffic, jump off the top of the play structure, pull every last thing out of the cupboards, etc.

I bought a parenting book called 123 Magic to help me deal with the nutty one, but I've found it is just as helpful with the "perfect" one now that she has reached her teens. It's just basic consequences without anger or arguing. I find it helps her to deal with her behaviour emotionally. If she does something like speak rudely to us and she gets a time out, then it is over. She's not a bad person, she's done her penance, she can go back to enjoying life. If she is rude to us and nothing happens, it escalates, we end up in a shouting match both of us saying things we don't mean and she feels like a bad kid for ages. Even though she's probably too old for us to call them timeouts, it works.
And she is not allowed electronics in her room during timeouts.

With both kids, they are both always happier and sincerely want to spend time with us after a time out. I'm always shocked by the change.

However, having said all this, there are more serious problems that develop at this stage and if you doubt that it is just teenage angst, get help.

awn03 - so true! I've had to apologize many times and I always try to make sure they know how much I love them. I tell them if you lined up all the 9 year olds in the world I would choose YOU! I would want THAT ONE! (pointing to my child). You really can get through anything if there is LOVE that won't back down.

ohmygosh, joanie, you nailed it: you can get through anything if there is love that won't back down.

Now dealing with all the tears, the constant worrying, & sleepless nights, that's another matter, lol!

joanie38, I think this is a case of YMMV...

My mother tried to live her life through me. I had to study Latin (instead of my preferred European language) because SHE wanted to study Latin. After three years, I finally won and got to take my language, but when it came time to apply for foreign exchange programs, I had only one year of a modern European language did not stand a chance against applicants with 4+ years of foreign language. Like the OP's teen, I did not fit in well at my school. OTOH, apart from the language skills, I was a strong candidate for an exchange program. My life would have been very different had I been able to do an exchange.

This experience (along with many others) is why I attended university FAR away from my parents, did not come home except for brief vacations, and now live 7000 miles away. We do still have a loving relationship, but it's at a distance by my choice.

When I recommended that the OP look at her own transition away from time-intensive parenting, I didn't recommend letting her child spend long hours unsupervised. I agree, a lot can happen in those afternoon hours.

Jane - From your perspective, I can see why it could be a concern: having an overinvolved Mom and the youth needing to separate and going to extreme measures to do so. I'm sorry that you had that experience with your Mom but I'm glad you have figured out a way to have a loving relationship with boundaries that are right for you. We all know parents that are "helicopter Moms", and I sure don't want to be one of those. My MIL was so enmeshed in her kids lives, that she would have melt downs and tantrums if any of them tried to move out on their own or move out to get married. Ask me how I know. It was awful. She was unwell. Because of DH family, we cannot live near them. They are too enmeshed and inappropriate. Sadly that moved me from my family too.
But you bring up a good point about needing to have your own interests and life, so that we don't become over focused on our kids or try to live vicariously through them. It's something becoming more real to me as my oldest prepares to leave the nest.

I adopted two kids when Aimee was 16 and 18. I knew I wasn't ready to let her grow up and wasn't ready to not be a mom. The little kids allowed me to let her grow up healthy. Lol

Sort of OT here, but I just read an article about BHG today about celebrating the New Year. It fit into what we've been discussing . . .about organizing a party for all ages. For young children, they are included in the action and see they are important to the family and adults. For teens, they would see how to have a good time without involving drinking.

In other words, family time is such an important investment; no one has to feel guilty about putting family above friends, ESPECIALLY in teaching their children to do so.

The ideas were cute-- make a birthday cake for the year 2012 and play games that are made out of chocolate. That would be fun!

Still going through over 20 pgs of small-type print, but I wanted to drop in to clarify a couple of points really fast.

1) DD has no "problems" socially. She tells me often about how people react with disbelief at the fact that 1) she's really smart even though she wears mascara and straightens her hair (quiet laughter on my part here--such a HUGE change from last year!) and 2) she homeschooled up until last year, because she 'seems so normal' (makes her laugh every time). We learned through our years of homeschooling that stereotypes are powerful and can be powerfully misleading, and often say more about the person who's making the assumptions than they do about the person who's being stereotyped. She's made many people reconsider their stereotypes and pigeonholes.

It's eerie how quickly and easily she slid into complete comfort at this mega-size school, but I give lots of credit not only to her but to the atmosphere the school creates - so far, people seem to fall over themselves to say sweet, supportive things to each other. She's got a wide circle of social friends and a good tight circle of close friends. She's got no fear at all, and is happy being id'd as a 'music nerd' since the music program at the school is big and high-profile.

In fact, the one time some of the 'popular' girls tried to do a 'mean girls' thing to her in science class, she laughed at them and acted it right back at them (at least I did my homework preparing her by having her read all the 'Reviving Ophelia' and Queen Bee' -type books--thanks, Amy!!) so hilariously that they ended up inviting her to their table and have become good friends (I've seen it corroborated when I pick her up from things). Those aren't the kids she prefers to hang out with, but I mention it to show that she's got social skills that people may not associate with the stereotypical 'homeschooler'.

Our world-learning wasn't stereotypical, either -- I hardly taught her anything, actually -- I was more like the concierge who found resources to facilitate her exploring her interests, and chauffeur to her various classes/activities.

She's also comfortable being in advanced classes, has no problem with it, and she'll be doing AP classes next year and IB after that, and there are always options to take more advanced math at a local CC or state U. My only problem is that she's now letting the institution determine how curious she is about something--if she does enough to meet an assignment, she's done. No more investigating something for its own sake. It's *sad* to watch that really exciting drive in her life extinct itself (or more hopefully, go dormant).

Which leads me to 2) A couple of years ago, I started volunteering solidly back in my field, and I'm gearing up to try to find paying work in it, albeit at a much lower level than before. I love what I do, I'm *thrilled* to be back in it, and I'm seriously not a stereotypical 'helicopter' mom. So not. Since she was about 10, I've actually tried not to be too involved, so she can have her own space in her activities.

A somewhat extreme example: DD keeps asking me to be an orchestra-mum in the city orchestra she's in (you sit through all rehearsals and do volunteer work), but I just won't do it. The vast majority of those are stage-moms who make my skin crawl--the ones I think I talked about in another thread who seem to think that nonstop bragging is the highest form of conversation, and I don't want to be around them because they feel toxic to me. I want to relate to her orchestra in a positive way without all the drama. So I take her there and pick her up but don't prostrate myself before the altar of the conductor. We did arrange to have DH's company match our donation to this group, though -- the first time an employee had donated to the group at all, which is really strange, considering my DH's company's dominant position in the area. So we give in the way we feel most comfortable without hovering or pushing. I'll let moms who want to do that have the face time with the conductor.

So I hope these further details maybe clarify some vaguenesses or misconceptions. I also hope you all know how unbelievably much your thoughts and support, and individual stories you've shared mean to me and my DH. He's reading the printout too and we'll have more specific thoughts later. The folks who come to this forum are gems, every one. And beyond that, the web is phenomenal, and not at all just a replacement for RL relationships; as you have pointed out, it offers opportunities and resources that RL just can't, sometimes. Anyway, I lerve you all : )

(oh, and the Greece thing -- I realize it may sound like she was sitting in a closet coming up with plans for the world, but it was actually for Model UN and is documented in her position papers as Greece's "Environmental Minister" (LOL) from last year. She actively participated in MUN with her resource center's team last year even though she was only an '8th grader', but this year at the huge/high school, MUN is overenrolled, so only Juniors and Seniors actually get to go to the event. There's an example of a very tangible difference in activities/involvements available to homeschoolers and to public schoolers...: ()

FL, we unschooled the past three years (that's what you did all along with DD, yes?) and now she's back in school. . .her choice, so I still consider it unschooling. I personally do not care if DD does what she "needs" to do with a school assignment, and then is done. To me, that is fine, and even healthy. I tend to go overboard with work assignments and do more . . .but only because I'm a perfectionist and not because I necessarily care. I "should" have a better balance-- do what I need to do, and then make time to do what I WANT to do.

DD is only 9, and at this point, her homework is minimal (even compared to other schools). I only have her involved in 1 activity (band). The rest of her time is hers. I remember when we were thinking of homeschooling, you said it was getting off the treadmill, and those words stuck with me. Well, now your DD (and mine) are back on it. There isn't much time left (even in my DD's case, which I am sure is vastly different from the workload your DD has) for other interests.

I don't feel like I'm really being clear here. I guess what I am saying is that unschooling is very different than school, even when it's a person's choice to go to school. I do not expect her to be passionate about what she's doing in school (though sometimes she is), as long as she is RESPONSIBLE about it. My DD takes full responsibility for her work (big contrast-- used to protest all homework), scores fine on tests, studies on her own, etc. This is absolutely the case for your DD, too . . .so I don't see a problem with your DD. However, I do try to make time for DD to explore her passions (I am like you-- just try to find resources). Thankfully, her gifted teacher is going to start working with her individually a few times a week to explore her interests. I see this as a complete bonus, however, and not something I'd expect. The benefit is that it's happening during school, so she does not have to carve out more time that does not exist.

Your DD probably doesn't have much time for more academic interests, but it's OK-- you've given her years of this foundation, and right now her focus has shifted but again, the foundation is there (AND she isn't trying to hide her gifts-- that is huge). Even though she has adjusted very well to school life, school IS tiring, and that means more crankiness. She feels comfortable with you, has been holding in feelings of stress all day being in public (we all do), so then you bear the burden.

The only thing I would suggest again is the idea that it is not only OK, but advisable to set limits with friends, and this includes access to technology. I would also reconsider the idea of being an orchestra mom. Maybe it's important for her to see you there-- give her some level comfort. You can do it w/o the drama! Or, maybe just stay for the rehearsals without signing up officially. My mom didn't take me to rehearsals when I was your DD's age (took the train downtown myself), but it would have been nice . . .would have been nice to be picked up from school, etc. Even when you're 14, you still want your mom, even if you hide it! :)

Am I getting the correct impression that you got more advice than you asked for? Lol.

Golddust, no, not at all...it's more like that my cup runneth over and it's amazingly wonderful that people have taken the time and trouble to share. Even just that helps DH and me feel better. More substantive reply to come.

Anele, you're so right on in many respects. Except for the volunteering at the orchestra : ) -- I am a recovering child of a stage dad, actually, not mom, and hearing those moms talk is like a really poisonous Proustian madeleine LOL...

Fly, I can relate. I have a wonderful daughter now, but when she was 14, she also gave me the look of "I wish you would die" and that is the same look I gave my mother. The fact that your daughter started growing with a solid foundation should help to bring her to a good place someday. The following was given to me when I needed it most and I have needed to read it often. It is by Kahlil Gibran, On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Frankly Fly, she STILL sounds pretty wonderful!

So what were your concerns again? That she's spending too much time on social media, and that she's ending her work on assignments when the assignment says she can?

As my dear MIL says, "Them's high class problems!" ;-)

Rest assured, when she gets to college, she'll re-expand her horizons.

I remember once when my daughter was 14 or so, I had hit a really low point with her. As a single mother, I was completely spent trying to find balance between working lots of hours, giving her the stability she deserved and providing a sound structure for her. She was mad about something and found a really hurtful way to say I was the worst person in the world. Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, it really hurt.

Then I saw this in the newspaper and it gave me hope. LOL I cut it out and put it on the fridge where it's been ever since. Whenever I felt defeated with her, I'd just read it and trust that one day things would be different. Now they are and all that bad stuff doesn't seem so bad anymore. In fact, I wish she was still a kid and at home because the time flew by WAY too fast. I know it's hard but you can trust that the same thing will happen with your daughter. :c)

Children

She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children, but because of the friendships formed while raising them.

Gabriel Garza Marquez.

I do not have a teen, but I was a teen and I have a lot of friends who have teens and what you're describing sounds totally normal. I would not get her therapy unless you feel like she is having some kind of real issue that would cause her to need it... therapy will not force her to be your little girl again and it is only as useful as the person willing to put the work into it.

I kind of think about the teen years as analogous to the toddler years... You know how some kids talk earlier but are not as advanced physically while some kids are very advanced physically but may develop language skills later? The teen years are another period of intense growth and hormonal change and I think it is perfectly natural for kids to take the focus off of school and put it on social things... that is where the major source of development that is going on is focused. They are becoming adults.

Of course you need to set boundaries and all the rest but I don't think her intellectual curiosity has died, I think she is just focused elsewhere in her development - even if she is having an easy time of it relative to other girls, she is still a typical teen with typical teen hormones and no matter how smart they are or what kind of upbringing they have had, there is no getting away from hormones :-p

I think as parents we also need to do the best we can for our kids because we love them and want to do the best we can for them. It is unfair to expect a certain outcome of another human being with their own wills and desires and then resent them when they don't act as we wish they would. I breastfed my little guy for 30 months (he never took a bottle, had a wicked dairy intolerance which necessitated a very very strict diet for me for the first year of his life, started solids late and nursed constantly around the clock for what seemed like forever) and I did the whole "homemade baby food" thing where i obsessively shopped and peeled and chopped and roasted and pureed and froze and now at 3.5 years old, even with all that I did for him, he'd really rather just have grilled cheese for dinner and will not touch most of what I eat for myself (and is stubborn and willful, you cannot make a kid eat). So I buy the healthiest bread I can and use a good quality cheese and toast the bread, put some cheese in the middle, cut it out with the dino cutters he likes and nuke to melt the cheese. It's better than throwing my hands up and taking him out for butter soaked white bread and processed cheese sandwiches with a side of fries but a far cry from the wonderful and varied and healthy menu full of fresh fruits and veggies I figured my kid would be into because of everything I did for him the first 3 years of his life... but he has other ideas. I just keep plugging along (and offering) and keep the stories I have heard of kids who never touch veggies as preschoolers one day waking up and liking salad in my heart.

So I think you just have to compromise and let her do what she needs to while still setting appropriate boundaries. I know teens are more complicated than the little ones are but I don't think they are all that different (and have read a lot of articles recently making the same assertion). You have laid the foundation for the type of person you want her to be and put a lot of your heart and soul into it and now you need to let her do her thing for a bit and I bet that once she gets through this phase it will all come back and she will be EXTREMELY successful in college and a wonderful adult... which is really the goal of it all.