Advice? please! Dealing with in-laws and dating agin

16 years ago

Im sure many people have been in this situation before and I know there is never a "right" answer. But if others have gone through a similar situation and can share any of their own stories and experiences, it might help to not feel so alone.

I am dating this man that lost his wife 6 months ago to cancer. He selflessly cared for her for two years before she died, with little help from her family. They had a son together, and he is currently 7 years old. Since the wife's death, the extended family has stepped up and are helping with childcare. We met very perchance about a month ago, at a mutual friends birthday party and it was attraction at first site. On our first date, he shared his situation and I admit, it was a little bit of a mental struggle. Was he re-bounding? was he ready? what about the son? what would he think? I realized I had to think carefully, and that more feelings were risked here then just my own.

However, as we dated, I realized that he was a very solid individual and had spent a lot of time thinking about what was important, what his wife meant to him, and how to move on. I have met his son now and we keep it simple when we are out together. Thats not the problem... its the in-laws. Word is getting out that he has a "girlfriend" Certain family members are calling him up to feed him the riot act about how disrespectful he is, how he needs to wait 1-2 years. Telling him that he is selfish, and hurting his family. The in-laws are obviously feeling resentful for taking care of his son so much, while hes off with "another woman". However, this man doesn't want to separate his son from the extended family, because there are step brothers, and cousins that he has become close to. My advise was to step up and be more strict about the times that he cared for his son, but he is just so frustrated that the in-laws are trying to tell him what to do and how he should be feeling, that I dont think he knows what is the best action to take. Any advice? Anyone been in similar situations?

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Comments (3)

sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Long before Ronald Reagan died, Nancy said that he had (paraphrasing here) "gone to where I cannot reach him".

I think that's what happens when someone is terminally ill;
at some point, the caregiver/spouse/loved one starts grieving even though the dying person is still there.

Six months after the final release from pain doesn't mean that your guy hasn't grieved long enough;
he undoubtedly grieved deeply for a long time before her physical death.

If he tells them this, maybe they will be able to recognize a little more clearly what he's been through.

I wish you the best.
asolo
16 years ago
"Any advice? "

Yes! Life gets priority. Always.

His wife is DEAD. He is NOT DEAD.

On the other hand, if you're serious about him, his family is important. Notwithstanding their a**hol**dness, perhaps you can find a balance. With people like this it always takes time and work.

These people who have rules about how long people should put their fleeting lives on-hold in respect of the dead make me nuts. On the other hand, they will be your future family if you're serious. Best to balance if you can.
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evaf555
16 years ago
Well, I think there's another way to look at this.

His first marriage was good enough that he wants to be married again.

That being said, I think it's reasonable, given the circumstances, to have the boy with relatives when he has to work, but hire a sitter when he has a social engagement with you.

That's a perspective from someone who doesn't have a whole lot to do with children. I can, and have, watched the neighbor's children for emergencies. It would be very different to care for the tykes to facilitate a social life.

Advice? please! Dealing with in-laws and dating agin

Comments (3)

sylviatexas1

asolo

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