I think the general rule of etiquette is that gifts are never mentioned on an invitation. A gift, by its very nature, is something given freely and at the sole volition of the giver. To make a request of "no gifts, please" implies that you anticipate the recipient would otherwise bring a gift -- and that is seen as presumptuous.

Of course, even though etiquette is mostly about avoiding the appearance of being presumptuous, we all know that such presumptions are a generally accepted part of our rituals for which we issue these invitations to others. I guess my answer would be that if you're wanting to abide by the rules of etiquette, no mention should be made of gifts whatseover. If, however, you don't have a problem with sidestepping the rules that have to do with presumption and acknowledging the generally accepted practice of gift-giving, word-of-mouth requests for no gifts is permissible by most people I would think.

People give gifts because for many reasons: (a) It's customary; (b) They believe it's expected; and/or (c) They simply want to. It's not uncommon for people to give a gift, even if specifically asked not to. The appropriate response in that case is, of course, gracious, appreciative acceptance of their offering.

Good luck! It's not easy deciding what's best to do at times ...

One of my four sisters remarried in her late 50s and requested no gifts in almost the exact wording you are considering. Since it wasn't a huge wedding and everyone was close, it seemed very appropriate. They had been living together for years and co-owned several properties together. The no gifts request seemed right to them.

Oh, I wasn't thinking of putting anything on the formal invitation! :)

When I got married we were in the same situation. We put on the invitation no money/gifts. Just your presence. We did get a few gifts anyway. We had a small, non-traditional wedding of about 60 people. I never thought about how it would appear when I did it. In fact, I've never thought about how it appeared, 9 years later.....until now.... :)

I heard once about a couple in a similar situation who simply invited people to a 'celebration' without mentioning the W word at all! Worked like a charm, and what a priceless surprise for the guests who got to what they assumed was a dinner party only to discover they were part of a milestone moment in their friends' lives :).

Ann

What a cute idea, Ann! Unfortunately, my side of the family lives far away, so the only way to get them here is to use the W word! Haha!

For your side of the family, having the 'family communicator' verbally spread the 'no gifts' information would be the way to handle it. That's perfectly acceptable --

We had a little party thrown by friends after our private wedding. I did ask that there be a request for no gifts on the invite. We were both in our 40's with three homes between us....and we needed NOTHING lol the thought of new towels in 400 different shades scared me to death :) The request was soemthing to the order of "please share in celebrating this event with us. The couple requests no gifts please, just the pleasure of your company, but if you wish to bring one along, please bring a bottle of wine to share with the couple at a future date in their home" (I don't have one sitting here but that was the gist.

We did receive several bottles of wine and shared them with the friends at a later date at different dinners. Our hostess was sweet and put a tag on each bottle with the name of the giver so we could thank them and then know which to bring out in the future.

We're wine collectors and most of our friends are as well so it made sense...it might not if you just collect club soda :P

I was in a similar situation when we got married. Requesting no gifts was out of the question for many reasons. We did register for some things, but also found a bed and breakfast association in No. Cal. that offers gift certificates. We prepared an email with our registry information including the B&B site. I sent the email to my mom to forward on to only the people who asked for it.

In the end, we received almost everything on our small registry and enough gift certificates to combine for a long weekend in the gold country.

Our closest friends and family gave personal items they knew we would want or gift certificates to stores where we normally shop.

While using a family communicator is a good idea they may not be able to contact the couple's neighbors, co-workers and other friends to relay the message without seeming intrusive.

Nowdays many couples send out a pre-wedding announcement before mailing the formal invitation. Usually it is an email. A sort of 'save the date' announcement. Would it be appropriate to use the 'Your presence is our present' in that informal communication?

I think we might leave this to our wedding website/blog if word of mouth won't work. I don't really want to address this myself, but I'm a tech person, so I'll be putting up a site to convey information about the city, the hotels, things to do, etc.

I think using your blog would be a good way to spread the word. Especially since your side of the family has to travel to attend the wedding, I would think they would find it nice that you consider their presence your present! It's expensive to travel to a wedding and adding on the cost of a gift sometimes causes folks to just send a card and not come!

For your side of the family, having the 'family communicator' verbally spread the 'no gifts' information would be the way to handle it. That's perfectly acceptable --

I like this idea but with my family and friends, I know people would bring gifts anyway. No one wants to feel like they arrived empty-handed. How about having the family communicator add that if guests feel compelled to give a gift, a donation to XXX charity would be appreciated?

I like igloo's suggestion about the wine, too.

Nicole

Sorry to hijack, but I found this interesting; for dd's upcoming wedding I strongly discouraged her from including any mention of gift registries in the invitation. Major department stores in our area are happy to provide little enclosure cards announcing where the couple is registered and I didn't think that was "proper". My mom just mentioned to me the other day that her senior-aged relatives LOVE these enclosure cards; they don't have to worry about an appropriate gift idea. Who knew; I thought her crowd would think it was terribly tacky.

Years ago when Mom and Dad had an anniversary party, 'No Gifts, please' was printed on the invitation. I never thought about it being rude or improper, and those were the days when etiquette/manners were more prevalent than they are today. IMO, enclosing a small card is appropriate. ;o)