Wow, that really is tacky. Maybe they already have all the "stuff" they need but would gladly accept your check or gift card. When my BIL remarried, both he and his wife already had households set up for many years. However, they said "no gifts". Nevertheless, people gave them gift certificates for restaurants or B&B getaways, that kind of thing.

The "Dear Prudence" column on Slate often runs wedding-related questions involving tacky practices, usually related to money. It's pretty amazing (and revolting) how the tradition of weddings has evolved.

PS: Baby Joey is going to be in a wedding this afternoon. His uncle is getting married, and Joey will be pulled down the aisle in a cart, wearing a suit. Yes, a suit--tie and all. I'm looking forward to seeing photos!

Most people have the common sense of knowing a couple that are getting married for a second time have most everything they need. I find this "tacky" as heck and I am not sure I would even go to a wedding like this.

Wow, extremely gauche. I'd give them a blender in a bag from Kohl's then, lol. Just kidding.

I'm sure this is different, but.................I recently went to a baby shower where we were asked not to box and wrap the gifts, that they would be displayed at the shower. I found that kind of odd as well, but it turned out to be lovely - you arranged your gifts on a long table and wrote down what you brought on a pad provided. Was so much fun to walk up and down that table during the shower to look at all the gifts. And no wasted cardboard and gift wrap to go to recycling.

Most couples nowadays have been living together. If they are out of college and working, they probably have most everything they need. I still find it very tacky to request gift cards, etc. There should be no mention of gifts.

Buy a gift take it in a sac.

Sleeperblues, I had to LOL @ your comment... blender in a bag! Right on, girl!

Tacky indeed! But I guess if you're in the wedding party, it's not like you know ahead of time that they're going against etiquette by mentioning ~anything~ about gifts in the wedding invitation. All you can do is swallow, & comply.

I find that beyond Tacky!

Neither do I understand having a child in a cart in the wedding. If I were at the wedding I would assume it to be the child of the bride and groom. I have seen young children included, to indicate that the marriage is meant to form a family unit.

Even worse though, to me, is the couple having their dog(s) in the wedding.

Weddings used to be sacred, religious, and meaningful. Now some are just entertainment.

Sue

Wow, pretty darn amazing. maybe they's prefer a donation in their name to a favorite charity instead?

Gardenspice, I love that! I was going to say I think I'd go and skip a gift. After all, a gift is optional not mandatory. However, a donation to a charity in their name is super!!! This way, you're doing something good and not sucked up into the tackiness. Loved sleeperblues idea, too.

Neither do I understand having a child in a cart in the wedding.

I thought it was a pretty crazy idea myself when I first heard about it--mostly because I couldn't see him staying in the cart longer than 3 seconds max. But I fully support their desire to include him in their special day. My daughter-in-law has a large extended family, and they all love the baby. And love, I feel, is what it's all about.

"No Boxed Gifts"
Wow, it would be difficult to achieve a greater level of tackiness!
I liked the suggestions for bagged gifts. Maybe a nice box of wine- in a bag.

Well doesn't that take the cake?

I really get cheezed when the "assumption" is that everyone owes you a gift because your invited to their wedding.

Don't think I'd attend and KNOW I would be sending a gift. I do like the idea of donating to a charity in their "honor."

Have to agree with the weddings becoming more "entertainment" theory. Tis sad!

That is tacky. I'd probably send a card with a note that I made a contribution to a charity in their name.

LOL@ Blender in a bag!

I think it would be hilarious if they ended up with a table full of bagged gifts. LOL
I would be very tempted to do that,,,!

Blender, heck! I might go as far as a whisk -- in a WalMart bag -- with a twist-tie -- and a used card with the original sentiment crossed out and "Good Luck" scrawled in crayon.

I think it's tacky to ask for money too, although I've seen some friends do so.

But as far as the wedding goes (kid in cart, dogs, etc) I say the couple should do whatever makes them happy. It's their wedding and they should do whatever is meaningful to them. I don't think it's anyone else's business.

ps...I would totally have my dog in my wedding if I have one and if I thought he'd behave. ;) My dog is part of our family. If anyone had a problem with it, they would be welcome to not attend, as I would probably prefer my dog to be there than them anyway.

A small gift could be stuck in a planter...or wrapped in a towel...or seasonings in a lidded salad bowl.....two gifts in one. Can't you just picture a table loaded with brown paper bags or funnier yet, garbage or Walmart bags? LOL

My niece got married last weekend and the invitation said that they wanted cash to go on some fancy honeymoon. Well, that isn't my job to pay for her honeymoon. I never give cash because I don't know where it's going. They had been living together for about a year but were still young - 25 - and I gave them a nice locally made bowl. Quite a few people did give "boxed gifts" but it was stuff for entertaining.

My sister, who was there for the gift opening, said that my niece commented about how much she loved the gifts that she and her groom were given. They wanted to avoid the 3 toasters, 2 crockpots etc. syndrome - which makes sense. but she also said that had she known what nice things they would receive she would not have put the "cash only" comment in the invites. They loved the "nice" things that they received.

I've been married for 30 years and I still love using the nice entertaining things that we received as gifts. The mix-master has been replaced, the towels have long been repurposed as rags, but I still like the nice platters, vases, wineglasses etc that we received.

Well, since it really doesn't say cash... I think, you can get away without any.

Don't box your gift... :) Put it in a gift bag!

People really need to be careful around me. LOL

Moni

I was already working full time and settled in an apartment when I got engaged so I didn't need "'things". No one said "cash only" for gifts, but I got mostly checks. I do remember two gifts- a coffee maker and a fondue pot. They were mailed to my parents' home. The checks were handed to me at the reception.

I remember about 35 years ago we were invited to a wedding. The bride kept telling everyone that she didn't want any duplicate gifts. A bunch of people got together and bought her the exact same set of cannisters. SHe must have gotten at least 8 sets.

First it is bad manners to mention gifts at all on any invitation. Even "no gifts" makes it sound like there is an
expectation of a gift and there should not be.

Secondly the whole practice of bringing a gift to a wedding/reception is incorrect. The gift should be sent to the bride's home or to the couple's home either before or shortly after the wedding. I don't know when the practice started of lugging gifts to a formal affair but it's awkward and causes more work for the hosts and more likelihood of loss or damage to the gift.

Today's couples are often older than the previous generation's, and so they have all the necessities in their apartments before they marry. They don't need more. And they don't seem to understand or appreciate high quality table things like good china, or silver and crystal bowls and platters.

I eloped and so had almost no wedding gifts, but I did inherit some of my mother's wedding gifts: silver bowls and platters, cut crystal bowl and goblets, etc. I use them for all our holiday meals and love having them on the table. Some day I will give them to my children, but I am not sure how much our older son's wife will appreciate them. My daughter loves that kind of thing, and her mother-in-law gave her lots of her silver and crystal that her own daughter did not want, including gorgeous sterling silverware for 12!

I still prefer giving something special for a wedding gift, and I am happy to buy from a gift registry as it does make shopping so simple.

I hope you interpreted correctly. I purchased a wedding gift just this week from the couple's registry (fixes the "double gift" issue mentioned above a few times) and it said she checked "green" meaning no wrapping requested. I thought how wonderful for the wasted paper but how sad all that pretty paper the fun of seeing and unwrapping it all. A gift registry is about as far as I am willing to go on this gift issue. It gives the giver a choice and options if they need help. If couples have already set up household, frankly they don't need or deserve gifts. I get that the morays have changed on this, but then they need to accept the reasons for showers and gift go with it.

Having been consumed with weddings and planning for the past two years with both my son's, that is the first I've heard of this new request and I thought I'd heard just about everything. I think blender in a bag is a perfect idea lol.

My niece was married 2 weeks ago and instead of having a traditional household registry, they had a honeymoon registry for Fiji. It was set up just like a household registry and for purchase were things like tours, dinners, drinks, massages. They were not asking for airfare or hotel.

I went to a wedding recently and the couple had registered at multiple locations. I could NOT believe the extent of their registry - anywhere from a couple of dollars (napkin rings) to a couple of thousand dollars - yep you read that correctly - for a mattress and box spring! I was really amazed that people go so far.

Back in the dark ages when I was married (nearly 25 years ago) we registered for formal china, crystal and flatware - not sterling. That's it. No luggage, sheets or towels or appliances du jour. We did not mention gifts or the registry. People asked my parents (or his) if we had registered.

I think requests for cash are really tacky. I grow weary of the whole weddingpalooza sideshow. Have you seen Say Yes To the Dress and Bridezilla's? Oh my!

bengardeing, I love your reply. Sounds like people I would enjoy knowing.

"no boxed gifts" ha I think first of all requesting the type of gift given is tacky, I even stay away from gift registry gifts and give the gift I would like to give. For years whenever I went to a wedding I would put together the same gift - a picnic basket with all the cutlery, dishes and wine glasses, cloth napkins and a blanket - a gift everyone loved and used for years and a gift they are still using. I like to give "outside the box" haha

For my niece and her husband I gave them bone china tea cups and saucers because they carry "family tradition" and are used whenever the family gets together.

I was invited to one wedding out of town where the wedding invitation alone probably cost more than any gift I could afford to give. I mean this thing was a silk lined book with tassels and gold dusted and beaded cards. I knew that was a wedding I could not afford to attend LOL

Last wedding I went to was 3 years ago and don't see another one I have to attend in the near future. That's a good thing.

I would leave a note that said, "I bought you a very nice gift, rather expensive for my taste, but since you don't want boxed gifts I gave it to my wife, but we shall think of you every time we use it".

When I really don't know the couple getting married very well, then I will give cash. If I know them well, I would rather buy them something I know they need.

It does seem though, that chances are that a good gift will outlast the marriage anyway so maybe cash is the way to go. With 50% failure rate and most living together long-term prior to formalizing the union, the whole formal wedding day concept has lost meaning. It would be great if the same effort was put into the relationship rather than just "the day". Maybe I'm cynical because lately the very elaborate weddings I've attended have turned out to be rather short-term unions.

Tacky, no, but maybe practical. Many years ago at my wife and my wedding, we recieved both money and wrapped gifts.
All were very much appreciated. Since we were starting out with nothing, money was very handy. We did recieve some very lovey and useful gifts and only one that we had absolutely no use for. Money would have been a better choice for that gift.

The gift that we still use every day is a matched set of a salt shaker and a pepper mill. Our wedding was 52 years ago. We may have to replace the mill, and guess what, these are in short supply. Those have dissappeared from store shelves. They have been replaced by cheap, plastic grinders built into the tops of pepper containers at grocery stores.

How is it any more "tacky" than a wedding registry? Here's a list of the only acceptable gifts. You may choose to give me a Rolls-Royce, a condo in Hawaii or the Hope Diamond. Otherwise you may get by with gift certificates in the following denominations...

What's tacky to me is all the trinket crapola that people insist on giving these days. "Oh that's so cute, I'm sure they'll love it!" Wrong. Why fill up the landfill. If you're too cheap to give a practical gift, don't give one AFAIC. Purposely giving the same gift by a group? How childish! LOL Bad enough to get the 3 blenders and 6 fondue pots by accident but purposely planning it, well that's stupid. Taking back gifts is ridiculous to start with but to purposely do that shows people who really need a life. But, hey, it's still going to be money in their pocket. And for those who think you can actually tell them what to spend their money on, well, someday you'll probably wake up. Whether they spend cash given in an envelope on their honeymoon or cash received from a store returning 8 sets of canisters doesn't really make much difference, does it?

Asking for money rather than trinkets, I just don't see as being tacky. Face it, every birthday, anniversary, graduation, mothers day, fathers day, Christmas, Valentine's Day, any time someone's knocked up and so forth are mandating gifts (contradictory as that may be) and it's no different than a wedding invitation. "Bring a gift and you may share in our joy...". Even an invitation to dinner or drinks seems to require a "hostess gift" now! It's as bad as the tipping expectations these days.

What's so ironic as holly_on spoke of is a supposedly religious ceremony, in a church, and with the escape clauses being used, do people even vow to take their spouses for better or worse anymore or just until irreconcilable differences do they part? But breaking a vow is fine with the new religion isn't it? As long as the (mandated) "offering" tray is filled! Hollywood has really changed the world in this respect hasn't it? LOL

My son should be flying home tonight from the wedding. I be sure to ask him if there were any boxed or bagged gifts.

I don't like the caveat regarding gifts on an invitation because it implies that you owe them one. The only time I saw such a comment was on an invitation to a 13 year old's Bat Mitvah.

Her invitation read something like "In lieu of gifts a donation to (a charity she chose) would be appreciated". She collected the checks at the reception and her father drove her to the charity headquarters so she could personally make the donation. It was a valuable lesson, and a gift she still cherishes today (12 years later).

As for giving money, I have no problem with that. I used to prefer giving something special that I hoped the couple would remember me by, but as some have pointed out - so many marriages end in divorce these days, who knows where it will end up.

Just a small comment about the cannister "prank". You know, if this had been done to me - I would have thought on the first one, gee nice. On the second one, wow what a coincidence! But by the time I got the 3rd or 4th, I would have begun to realize this was deliberate. And that would have hurt. The bride might have been tacky and insensitive, but the "friends" were deliberately cruel.

I would never give to charity in lieu of a gift in someone's name. They might not support the same charities I do.

By the same token I should not be pressured into giving to a charity not of my choosing.

Charity should be a personal thing.

Using a party or celebration to raise funds for a charity is tacky in my opinion.

You want to hold a fundraiser than hold a fundraiser but don't call it a celebration of your special day.

Once I give a gift they can pass it on to charity. My gift is theirs to do as they please with. But don't tell me what to give or who to give it to. I probably won't be attending your event in that case.

Interesting how many think this is tacky. I guess it is tacky mentioning gifts on a wedding invitation. But, we ARE going to give a gift and why not something that the couple can use? If they need money, then just give what you would have spent. I think some do not like giving money because they think if they give the "crystal vase" no one will know how much they actually spent on it.
I love the idea of a registry. As pointed out, you can spend a few dollars up to thousands. Your choice. It is what they WANT. My husband was funny once. He didn't like the shade of green for a high chair I was buying. He didn't get the concept of the registry and thought I should pick a different color.
Bottom line, give what you can afford and make no excuses for it.

Not to worry wildchild - you wouldn't have been invited anyway. And SEE international wouldn't have missed you.

Charities are a personal thing. Lets hope the next funeral you attend doesn't request dontations to a charity instead of flowers.

Having a thirteen year old girl pass on the over the top gifts from a millionaire community in favor of a charity of her choosing might be something you disdain and denigrate. It was the best ever gift for her.

Now, the funeral thing as a fundraiser - that's an interesting perspective only you could suggest. Nice touch.

can't wait to hear what ds has to say...does that mean they gave checks to attendants instead of boxed presents??

Susanjf - At least I can answer that one. My son probably won't get back home until after midnight so I don't have the final details yet. However I did text him this morning and asked him if there were any 'gifts in boxes, bags or dangling from hangers at the reception.'

His short reply was that his groomsman's gift was in a box.

If they want cash - they get a note that says that if the marriage lasts less than 20 years ...

... they get to keep only 5% of the amount for each year that they were together ...

... but that I expect them to return 5% for each "unfulfilled" year to the giver.

(Without a claim for interest ... or allowance for inflation ... that'd still be a substantial gift).

o j

Ty EMMAR there is a lot more to that story and she deserved it.

The idea of an invitation stating "no boxed gifts" is a jaw-dropper. Perhaps it would be easier to simply set up a website and request that your guests RSVP by submitting their most recent federal income tax forms so that you can invoice them for the appropriate gift amount based on their income level.

ooh- that's a good suggestion.

My son returned and he confirmed that the "No boxed gifts" did mean that they wanted cash. Then I googled it and discovered that it is fairly common in certain cultures - India, Pakaistan and some Asian countries. Both the bride and groom are from Taiwan. I don't know if this is the custom there or they decided to adopt it.

Here is a link that might be useful: NYTimes

I'd give the bride and groom a big pass if they are from another culture. Yes, it would be the custom in Taiwan, too.