I feel your frustration, confusion, and revulsion to what your grandchildren are living in. My daughter and SOL are such wonderful parents, but their home that my two 4-yr. old twin granddaughters and one 6-yr. old grandson live in is not just messy, but extremely filthy and definitely a health hazard. The bathroom is the worst. You can't even see the trash container for all the trash spilling out of it (I won�t go into detail about the rest of the bathroom, but it�s very bad). My grandkids are constantly tripping over "stuff" left all over the floors. The couches reek of dog smell and there are huge stains on them that really stink. The carpet is so bad, stains everywhere (I've steam cleaned it a couple times), that I hate to see my grandkids playing on it. I don't think the kitchen or bathroom floors have ever been mopped, unless I did it. Dirty towels are everywhere. The kitchen can often be disgusting with old food lying on the counters, flies buzzing around the food and dirty dishes. A couple years ago, my grandson picked up a tippy cup and drank what he thought was fresh milk. The milk had been left out so long it curdled and was rotten. He threw up afterwards and will not drink milk to this day.
My daughter and SOL love their kids very much, will take them fishing, camping, playing in the park, to the library, horseback riding (friends have horses), to grammy & grandpa's house, but trying to keep things a little clean and have some order in their home is not important to them. Unfortunately, while they are modeling how to have a loving, fun environment to their kids, they're also modeling "it's okay to live in filth and squalor" which I know will hurt my grandkids as they get older. I've already read posts online where these types of kids have grown up and say they were embarrassed about their filthy homes, friends weren't allowed to go play there (I already see this happening with my grandkids' friends). How does the constant disorder in the home affect them when they�re at school? How will it affect their future relationships? As they grow older, what if they fall in love with someone who is used to a somewhat clean environment?
I've tried to help clean, do laundry (dirty and clean clothes and everywhere with cat and dogs sleeping on them), but it seemed to help for that day only and they were back to a filthy, germ-infested house within a week. I'm so frustrated after visiting my grandkids yesterday, that I can't sleep for worrying and fretting over what to do, how I can help. It's overwhelming to me and I can�t afford to pay for a cleaning person to come in even once a month (laid off from job). My grandkids also are sick a lot with sneezing, coughing, runny noses and watery eyes. Also, they get fleas on them, in their hair and around their toes. My daughter grew up in a clean home that occasionally would get a little messy, but cleaning bathrooms, bed sheets, laundry, etc., was done on a WEEKLY basis, dishes on a daily basis, and I had to work full-time to provide the needed health & dental ins. for my family.
Now, someone is probably going to say that if you think you're overwhelmed, just think how your daughter and SOL must feel. Believe me, I understand. I took one year off work and helped my daughter with the twins when they came home from ICU and with my then 2-yr. old grandson. I cleaned every day, helped with the diapers, feeding, etc. You know, though, if they would just "chip away" on a daily basis at the dishes, trash, etc., the state of the home wouldn�t be as bad as it is and they wouldn�t feel so overwhelmed/out of control. It�s frustrating when I think of how my twin granddaughters struggled for life while in ICU for 2 mos., how they were constantly monitored and specially cared for, with several churches praying for them, and they joy when they were able to go home, and now they live in such filthy conditions.
I have never talked to my daughter or SOL about this wondering if she would get offended, or so embarrassed, that she will not want me or grandpa to go to their house anymore. However, what is the truly loving thing to do? I believe there are times people need to step in with loved ones and say they are concerned, ask how they can help, etc. I feel better knowing there are other grandparents out there like me who are concerned re this issue. Thanks for listening.

My daughter is also a non cleaner of her house. And, she is also a hoarder of everything; nothing is put away, so the house is like a tip. If I go to babysit I always put the first load of washing on; the dishes in the kitchen come next then I go find the other dirty dishes in all the rooms and wash them as well. Usually then I can hang out the 1st load of washing and put on the 2nd, and so it goes on. I love getting some clean clear spaces in her home. But you know what? It makes no difference at all to the way she lives - next time I arrive I find the exact same mess and chaos. But she loves her children and they her.
When I first used to visit her in her home I would leave in tears wondering what I had done in my parenting? But like you all, we cleaned our houses, washed, ironed, put away everything (most days) and loved bringing up our kids. Playing with them and reading to them were normal daily activities.
One of my daughters children said to me one day after seeing me in the kitchen washing dishes again "grandma you are fussy". She's used to the chaos and mess, and I am the odd troubled one!
Sometimes I wonder!

Does your daughter work? Did you work when your kids were young? Sometimes when you're being a Mom and working, even if only part time you just have to choose your priorities. Would I rather spend time with my kids or clean house? Obviously I would choose the former. Keep my hubbie happy? Or clean the house? It can go on and on. As far as the smell of dog, you're going to get that in any house with an indoor dog (I don't care how clean you except for a few breeds) - the people living in the house no longer smell it.

I know this forum started a few years ago but I was doing a google search on how to handle telling a child they need to clean up their house. I thought it was only my child but after reading these posts I feel a bit better about it, a little. I too thought it was something I did wrong in her upbringing. My major concern is they live in a 2 story house, the 3 children's bedroom are all upstairs and there is no escape passage for them. They would have to come down the steep stairs (this home is over a 100 years old and the children's bedrooms is what was once an attic). I am so concerned if there was a emergency in the middle of the night the floors of the bedrooms have stuff everywhere the kids would trip and fall and never get out safe. Tonight I was skyping with one of my granddaughters and I told her about my fear. Later, still skpying but now my daughter is in the conversation, I told her what I had said to my granddaughter and she said, I know Mom I've told them the same thing many of times. I was furious. The children are 3, 6 and 13. Isn't it a parents responsibility to make sure the safety of their children is their priority. I was skyping with the 6 year old who shares a room with the 3 year old, they aren't old enough to understand safety concerns. I am struggling whether to say something as my daughter will be furious. But if I don't and something happens will she ever forgive herself, or will I?

I realize this is an old post (I am new here) but I just want to say, I feel for each & everyone of you. Been there, done that. My oldest Grandson is going to be 13 soon & he often makes comments to me & his Papa about wanting to live with us because his own home is so dirty & stinky (6 dogs, 1 cat, 4 fish tanks, turtles, pet rats, etc). It breaks my heart...I have spoken to both my daughter & SIL about this, they just shrug it off like it's no big deal! Seriously...maybe if our oldest Grandson came to live with us, they would wake up. I doubt it though (sigh). I will say that it is in better shape most times than it was when they were all smaller, I think the kids do better picking up after themselves. I can only hope that things continue to improve & maybe by the time they are all old enough to have friends over, they will be able to clean themselves first. Not that they should HAVE to...

I hate to say it but kids raised in messy homes usually live that way all of their life. My Sis's home was messy, she just didn't clean until she had to. She has 4 daughters and all are messy though my sis did change when she married someone who wanted it clean. One daughter is the same way, her husband insisted it be clean. Both of those men are professional men. The other 3 daughters are slobs.

My home never looked like my daughters, not even close. She was raised to be neat & clean, you can't always blame it on their raising...just saying.

Nothing you can do, just stay in a hotel and meet in public places.

Don't call the health department. They probably won't take the kids away, but if they do, it's horribly traumatic for kids--and as someone else said, once CPS is involved they don't go away fast. And if your kids ever get a whiff that you were the one who called, that will be the end of the relationship.

People do have the right to raise their kids in mess. There's disgusting mess, and there's health hazard mess. You'd be surprised how much mess is permitted.

Most people do not want mom and dad cleaning their house; it's a privacy thing. If you really want to help, hire a weekly cleaning service, they run about $45 a week around here. I know you said you really can't afford it, but maybe if it bothers you enough you'll find the money. But you certainly aren't obligated.

Best plan is just stay in the hotel and have them over there.

I don't think it is their raising, I think they may grow up thinking it is the norm and it's okay to be like that. My son's kept their rooms clean and when they married, it took awhile for them to get used to the mess. One daughter in law was raised sleeping on beds with no sheets for years, so you can imagine what the rest of the house looked like.

alamator,

My exhusband did not believe in dicipline or in teaching chores, or consequences, or in spending ANY money on our children. He was an odd duck, cause I know his mom was an excessivly strict,old school clean and well manners freak.

I guess our marriage was his "rebellion. He also loved indoor animals.

I, on the other hand was taught reasonable cleanliness, to do chores, in dicipline consequences, and that domestic pets belonged outdoors.

In our marriage I drew the line with pets indoors, as four children and a smallish house was work enough.

Needless to say, all four of our daughters got mixed signals.

Two of the married and with children daughters give me great concern with the number of pets they have that dominate the house. I fear for my grands health and safety.

It sickens me to visit and eat there, and to see my grands covered in fur with pet dander allergies, that have them sick frequently.

My youngest single daughter is highly allergic to cats in such a close enviroment and she suffers when we visit her sisters homes.

Actually this makes me somewhat physically ill, as the dog butt carpet smell is overpowering, and while daughters are natural product obsessed, frown on my smoking anywhere near grandchildren, they seem to have NO concern for the in house feces that finds its way into my grandchilrens enviroment, nor the wafting pet hair that clearly gets in these babies food and mouth, covers the kids clothes etc.

Nor do they express any concern when these babies are scratched by the cats, hit in the face with dogs tails, or sucking hair covered toys and pacifiers, or trying to blink out pet fur from swollen eyes. Nor, that a ticked off, roughly handled dog or cat might injure their children.

They all sleep in the bed with these animals, and cannot fathom why their kids are frequently ill.

I live in the country, and have a bit of a too much stuff issue after 37 years marriage, four children and a mid life divorice from a man that offered little help in decluttering our lives when kids were grown (one reason for the divorce).

They have deemed my house not kid friendly, but at least I am working on it, alone, now. However I am in fear of my grands, daily safety in this situation.

One daughter, also has issues with rotting food from unwashed dishes also.

I just limit my visits, and as I live nearby to one, easily done. The other I stay in hotels or something as the pet situation is uncomfortable to me.

Both have 2 dogs and 2 or more INDOOR animals.

Limit your visits...let go...and realize nowdays grown women and men prefer video games to household upkeep responsibilities. Sad.

Almanator. Ps buy yourself a small rv type van, with what you would have spent on cleaning costs and put your kids on tbe visit rote. People wont change, no matter how much they should or you would like it so. Your mom job is kinda done, and if tbey accept offers of help you will be taken advantage of. You change committments and expectations. You dont have to embrace their filth, but not tolerate it. I know, hard choice, but really, you had the obvious choices taken away. No need to accept what goads you though...just dont visit and nicely say why.

get a hotel room. that's what I intend to do next visit.

I am at a loss to understand how somebody couldn't put dishes in the dishwasher after a meal (assuming they have one), do couple of laundry loads every day and teach kids to put toys away, make their beds, help with other chores appropriate to their ages. I agree with Maime that people with such dirty houses have some mental problems.

My son and daughter in laws house was always messy. Dishes in the living room etc but sooner or later it was cleaned up. I even cleaned their home for a time once a week so that it was nice for the weekend. They both worked long hours and had a teenager and younger kids not to mention pets. I told her that when they were having company to get an empty laundry basket

and do a quick clean sweep of the rooms and hide them in a locked bedroom. I never saw the inside of our boys bedrooms as the doors were always shut. lol She told me the other day I still use the laundry basket clean up and think of you. Today they are divorced and the kids all survived, messy house and all. She has moved on.

I know a man who decided to help a friend clean a home out where animals had used the rug as a bathroom. The dangerous pathogens that live in soiled rugs, furniture,clothing got into his nose when he was removing the carpet. He lost his nose, cartilage and all and was expecting to lose an eye and his cheek bones. He had chemotherapy and more surgery.

This was real and extremely fast moving. Some very good doctors at the VA hospital were able to save him. I wouldn't wish that on any child. Clutter is one thing but animal waste can kill.

Wildwoodvine, Your comment "I guess our marriage was his "rebellion" was right on. I had a neighbor who taught her kids all the things the books and people tell us to teach her kids. When her son grew up and got married, the first thing he told his new wife was...

"I have done house work all of my life and I am never going to do it again".

I have this problem with my sister. We were both raised the same and turned out so different. I keep a clean organized house even with a 5month old, 2yr old, 10 year old, and 15 year old.(I know, what was I thinking!) Its tough and at times my lazy inner child wants to just sit on the couch for a day and embrace the tornado, but I don't. I want to be able to take pride in my home and want the same for my family....I have to really push myself sometimes but I do for my family. It's a labor of love.....my sister is another story....she has three kids 3, 5, and 10. They are a disaster. Their house is covered in filth.Everything they own is on floor. Dog poop and urine is everywhere. Trash and food all over floor. Health dept has been there numerous times. They just pick up the couch poop and that's all they are required to really do. A week later its back where it was. The problem for me is the kids have no structure. Good kids that want a clean house but they have responsibility. What kid is going to clean the house when not told to? They do not know how. This created issues for me when they come to my house. I physically can not keep up with them. I clean nonstop try and get them involved but it does not work. I will get it clean then 30 min later its a disaster again. Its sad but I deny requests for them to come a lot just because of the mess they will create. We are shaping little humans and we need to give them good values. Its hard to teach yourself as an adult.

I try to keep my house clean, but it's a struggle. I have bad asthma, so I can only do it a little at a time. I'm also depressed and have PTSD. I would love to do better, but a little bit is all that I can do.

in that case, decorate with colors that are known to improve mood. Yellows are a good start. Avoid drab or dreary surroundings. Avoid having things out on the dresser tops, such as jewelry. Try to put everything away in a drawer or closet so that you don't have to dust it, you can just wipe the top of the tables and dressers. Do allow for all of the natural light you can get, and add full spectrum bulbs to lamps around the house. Try a metal grill on your door so you don't feel vulnerable, and are not vulnerable. Get rid of rugs that only collect dust and make asthma and cleaning more problematic. Clean with a damp rag, never a dry one, so you don't send the dust up into the air. Get a vacuum sweeper with a Heppa filter so that you are not sending that dust back into the air, from sweeping. Meditation, walking in the sunshine and being with friends are the best 3 things to do for mood.

My house when my kids were growing up wasn't always the neatest.But it was clean. But I tried. My husband traveled, we also lived on a farm with animals so not only did I have the house but the animals too needed my assistance. We had a meal on the table that was homemade and not Mc Donalds. They survived and are healthy adults today. I know that everyone wants a picture perfect house but sometimes life gets in the way. Now if the parents both work I really understand that sometimes there just isn't time to do it all. Kids can make their own beds by just pulling up the covers. This they should do every day. They can also help mom with the dishes or use paper that can be tossed in the trash. Dad or older kids can take the trash out to the can. Or just help them clean it up. I also that parents can make it easier to half lots of trash cans around not always for trash but for laundry in the kids bedrooms. Important papers from their schools should be put in a place where mom or dad can take care of it once or twice a week. One room should always remain sort of neat just in case someone would drop by. Have a great holidays and don't fret the small stuff.

Ha ha ha ha! Its no laughinh matter is it? I am at my granddaughter and grandson in laws. His mom lives with them and has done her best to teach them to be the best parents possible. 1&1/2 years later cancer will take her away within 6 months since has been offered hospice. Ive been here three days. The first day was spent cleaning and scrubbing the kitchen. The second day taking my granddaughters mother in law to the funeral home which wasnt able to contact anyone there, to her doctor to get appointments changed to get what she needs sooner since the doctors are dragging their feet and doing nothing but make her wait a month for the appointments, REALLY!? Like she has time to wait! Took her to social security to push for an income so she wont be made to work for her welfare check anymore since the cancer is in 7 places and she was offered to be placed with hospice when I took her to the emergency room. There is one extremely clean cat here. Only the litter box smells from this cat. Amazing animal! My one year old great grandson is adorable of course. Parents have mild mr. Its been a struggle. We raised our two oldest granddaughters so I cant turn my back. One apartment they lived in was a one bedroom, two other couples moved in with them. I couldnt stand it any longer with five cats moved in with the two couples. Dont ask where they all slept in this one bedroom place. There was a path from the entrance through the apartment. My granddaughter was pregnant. Then I met an advocate with training and government officials contacts to contact to push agencies to help. We took my granddaughter and her husband to dss and the worker wasnt going to do a thing. Just take the baby from birth. The advocate then spoke and the worker woke up and bent over backwards. My granddaughter and her husband was placed in a motel. Grandson in law and cleaned the apartment. Gloves were not enough. We should have had gas masks! We filled the buildings large dumpster.I ended up with a strange bronchial infection which I later found out to be from inhaling cat feces that turned to dust among other horrible stuff in the air as we SHOVELED stuff into bags for the dumpster. I didnt know what bronchitis or even a headache felt like until I got into this place to clean it. What would a baby inhale? The advocate deserves a million bucks! Granddaughter and grandson in law and baby are in a nice apartment. The people that lived in the one bedroom are out of the picture. My great grandson is healthy, clean and this apartment isnt horrible. It will be without direction from many of us who care. Granddaughter and her husband experienced their first child taken at birth and she died in foster care. So now they listen and work hard to keep their son. The agencies involved before are helping to give the parents the help they need to succeed in raising their son. The government doesnt allow the real help. Yesterday dss came and said the child has what he needs. Not perfect but a far cry from the first place. One set of grandparents cannot do it all. Ask the other grandparents and anyone else willing to help.Removing children doesnt help unless the children are being harmed in another way then instruction, direction, and encouragement is needed. It takes more than one set of grandparents or parents. It takes a community. Love rather than pointing fingers or trying to figure out WHY.

I have 7 children. I do my best to keep on top of the mess. We have two bed wetters. :( Some days are full of defeat. I cannot believe your kids turned down help!! I would love any assistance, especially someone with a knack for organizing. We don't have any feces around and the wet beds are washed or put outside daily. My 3yr old stays up all night and most waking hours. I'm beyond frustrated with being touched out and dealing with dirty dishes and cluttered bathrooms. My grammar stinks at 4am. Anyway, did your situation ever get better?

I am in the same predicament only its my son's house I cannot go there because I cannot stand dirt and filth. Both my son and his wife are very well educated so I'm at a loss. The last time I visited them, here's the situation. The place was a mess, dishes left out with food on them in the kitchen and on the living room floor, pieces of food hardened on the floor. I went to sleep in one of the kid's bed and all i could smell was something sour making my stomach turn. Found out the next day one of the kids spilled chocolate milk in the bed and she forgot to change the sheets. Well from the smell, it had been there for awhile. A couple of years ago I had it out with my son about the dirt only because he kept wanting me to eat there and I wouldn't. If u saw her fridge and stove, you would understand why, plus I know there's bugs, saw them myself. Anyway, he stopped speaking to me for months. I am back talking to them now but she has not forgiven me. She is civil and that is it. To add to my last time visit was the fact that he was doing some renovating. This was taking days apparently. He had all kinds of pieces of wood, etc. in the bathtub. As for the bathroom itself, I wont go there. Anyway, they went out that afternoon and I said I would stay as I really wanted to clean up. His toilet wasn't working because of whatever he had been doing so I had to pee in a bucket. Thank God I didn't have to do #2. The power was off so when I opened the curtains that's when I saw the fruitflies. There were hundreds. I have to tell you that I am a not a bad person but that day I wanted to set fire to that house, it was that bad. That was how I felt. The next day when she was leaving for work, I heard the shower going. I figured they cleaned the mess up. Nope, she took a shower in with all that wood, tile and dirt. I was beyond mortified. I couldn't wait to go home. I don't get to see the grandkids because I don't go to visit and I feel terrible about that, but what else can I do. I've cleaned their house before the argument but it was back the same the next time I went to visit. I've given up. I never raised my son like that and have no idea why he's blinded by this. He feels the same as others, its just not that important.

Oh dear, can't believe I have found this post and that comments go back to 2009! It has made me feel a bit better knowing there are others with the same predicament! My daughter and sil live with their 6 children, the oldest is 12!, in absolute filth. I love my daughter, but we clash. My sil is stubborn and stern - typical Scotsman I think! The children are lovely kids and very well behaved. If I comment on the house to my daughter she becomes very defensive and angry. I have cleaned for her, taken the kids overnight to give them time to clean, suggested ways of all working together, but I am sorry to say she is just bone lazy! Computer time is far more important to her. They recently moved overseas (it took us 4 huge skips to get rid of the rubbish!) and so now when we visit we don't stay with them (fortunately no room with 6 kids, so no question there) but take grandchildren away 2 at a time for a few days. Not sure how long we will be able to afford this, but will do anything to be able to see my grandchildren. I wish someone other than me or my sil would make her realise this is not how to live, but that doesn't seem to be going to happen. She is depressed and overwhelmed but not accepting help. I do praise her on having such lovely children, and they really are, but feel that is just good luck more than good parenting - and a disciplinarian father!

I honestly can't believe how people can be like this. My daughter on the other hand is totally the opposite, she's like me. My son like I stated above can not see what he lives in. It's like his wife has him so brain washed, he can't see straight. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. And yes mazza I know exactly how you feel. My son lives a distance away from me so seeing the children is not an every day thing. Because I'm separated, its hard on the pocket book going to visit him and staying in a hotel. When my ex was with me, he was at a loss too and told me he was staying out of it. I guess there's not much we can do. Where I went wrong, no idea.

When children are adults, and have their own homes, i think the best thing for you to do is ignore the situation. They won't like hearing what you think, and i think keeping a close relationship with an adult child sometimes depends on how critical or accepting the parents are.

If they lived alone, I wouldn't care if the house walked away with dirt. When there are two small children living there, its pretty hard to ignore it. And to be asked to stay and eat there, I couldn't do it. I had no choice but to come right out and give him a reason why I chose not to eat there. It was hard but I thought maybe I could make him see it. Nope, it only caused problems. I told him that it was his life how he lived but that he should respect how I lived also.

ooo wow,,,,

We are in the same situation....Our son and DIL are terrible house keepers with 3 kids 1.5 , 8 and 10 we live close . They are often sick with some sort of stomach thing.... Our DIL has come down with a critical kidney illness . So we have been stepping in to help out. My wife has been there for several days cleaning Kitchen ect. Just so she can make dinner for them they all are pigs and we have known this for a long time. Every time i go to pick up the gran kids the table and kitchen are full of food from the night (or nights) before roaches and ants all over...bathrooms are disaster... My wife found all the pots and pans (expensive cookware that we gave them) full of dried food and many things growing in the refrigerator took 2 hours and soaking and scraping to get the muck off the bottom of the refrigerator...Now my wife is "A" Type a neat /organized sort of person. So this is wickedly hard for her to cope with this mess . They just dont understand they are feeding the roaches..We also have in common with many of the posters here that they are Video game junkies...that is all they do.. Our DIL with her just recent illness is bed ridden and very ill still . But this problem has been ongoing . When at our house the gran kids do great at picking up after themselves but at home it is just an unstructured free for all (a wolf pack has more discipline) . When DIL is at out house she tends to "roll her eyes" at out neatness. She has never once offered to help with the dishes after a meal . We think she is depressed and needs some happy pills...but she will not admit she has a problem even when we will pay for any sort of Medical she needed. I guess there is no real answer to the problem

I guess im glad we are not alone....thanx for putting up with my venting

Chris - your grandchildren are being abused. Please do not let this continue. Either fight for custody of the kids or report your son and DIL to DSS. This is absolutely, clearly abuse and/or neglect.

Brutal situation your in! I hope you find a resolution!

Chris ....I know how you and your wife feels and its a really hard situation. I have the same problem ..esp when you mentioned the stomach issues. I haven't been to my son's house in some time....God knows what it looks like now !!! You say the youngest grand child is 10 ? Well ....Suzie above says to report them but since the kids are getting up there in age....I tend to say no. You will cause your son and DIL to not speak to you again and you will lose what contact you have with the children. I talked to my son about the mess and he wouldn't address the issue at all. And both my son and DIL are professional people with good jobs !!! Now I just let them live their lives. You know what really bugs me, her mother doesn't live far from them and she doesn't acknowledge the mess either which leads me to believe that this DIL grew up in a home like this. I've talked to several people about the situation ...some say report ...some say don't .....its a terrible situation which I don't have an answer.

Thanx

And in truth here in Mississippi DHS would just tell them to clean up and walk away...the kids arent truly being abused. there "well" fed...loved...and not beaten.....Since i wrote this my daughter in law is back from the hospital...We paid for "pest people" to come in and fog the place and they will continue with monthly service . We see that they are now trying to do better (this week).....To report them would put alot of stress on an already difficult relationship . All we can do is try to work with the gran kids when we have them.and take it a week at a time.

thanx for all your comments

My brother and I were raised by a mother who cleaned and washed floors every single Saturday, whether they needed it or not. She also ironed my dad's undershirts and sheets! Brother married a woman who was totally the opposite of our mother, and after 50 years of marriage, nothing has changed. They have 3 grown adult children, all married, but since I live out of state, visit my brother once a year, but not the homes of niece/nephews, so don't know which direction they chose. I know mom brought up DIL's messiness to my brother occasionally, and he once told her that *her* mother was a 'slob', but I guess my brother loved his wife too much to hurt her feelings, or did mention it but she may have ignored him. The only thing I can think of is to question the kids and find out if they're embarassed to bring friends home, and if so, they better be willing to help with the cleanup also.

My daughter is much the same. She and her partner live with their three-year-old in a messy, dirty place which is filled with junk. There is a lot of love about, and they have an aquarium and loads of house plants. She has always been a bit 'alternative'...but I can't stand the mess and the dirt! I am by no means a modicum of tidiness, but when my kids were little their socks always matched, and never had holes in. They brushed their teeth twice a day, wore clean clothes each morning, and we tidied up toys. Now, when I visit (I live abroad) I stay in a (pristine, minimalist) air b & b nearby. I know my daughter is busy with her job, as is her partner, and I would like to tidy and clean while I am here, but she just tells me there's no point, that's the way she lives, she's happy, and she wants me to experience her life as it is. Fine, to a certain extent, but it turns my stomach to find unwashed underpants in her son's room, and to know she never washes his hair. Am trying my best to relax and understand. Yesterday when I was alone in the house I tidied her son's room with the excuse that I was looking for something he wanted, and was horrified at what I found in the way of dirt! He has all sorts of allergies and I'm sure he'd suffer less in a clean atmosphere...ah well, I'm just venting...will tackle the living room today with the excuse that I can't find my knitting needle!

If your daughter has already told you not to clean, then whatever "excuse" you offer, you are waaaay out of line. If I was your daughter you'd never be crossing my threshold ever again.

My daughter and SNL are just naturally messy. They do clean, just not to my standard. What I've noticed is they never clean up after themselves. Leave dishes and trash everywhere. So when I come to visit I help them with the cleaning. Do the best I can to encourage cleaning up after ones self. Also encourage taking pride in your home. If you show them how nice the house can look when it's clean they may want to try harder to keep it that way. Ultimately they have to WANT to do it themselves. I do believe it's a generational thing. I've noticed many of my friends children have the same issues. I have one daughter and one son. I taught them both the same way, my very high standards of clean. My son is immaculate, my daughter however is not. Maybe I did too much for her. Not really sure, but it is what it is. They have a two year old daughter who seems to be headed in the same direction. Not dirty, just messy. So I've come to the conclusion that a little mess doesn't really hurt you. She is a happy little girl. Their parenting skills are awesome. Mostly it's me who needs to change

I would be mortified if my parent was on a website or blog complaining about me and my house. To the other parents complaining, you raised your children correct? So look at yourself and if you truly did instill the right values in these ADULT children that you are bashing. If you truly feel the mess is harming your grandkids I'd call, if not you have no right to comment. Don't stay there, or do something to help them.

Liza W -- where are you coming from? These people didn't name names. And if you've ever cared about somebody you love you would know that all they want is the best for their children. They are in true pain because of a deep connection to family and concern for the little children who are growing up in chaos. In general you don't feel the same pain if it's a neighbour with a filthy house or somebody on TV. You feel sorry for them and go on with your life. But if it's your child or your sibling you suffer because you are forever connected to them. These parents are not judging their children. They want to help. And if you think growing up in filth and chaos is a good choice for children, well try it sometimes. It stays with you all your life. Blaming the parents because they raised children who live like that is unfair. We can't predict the outcome of every parenting decision.

I grew up in a filthy home, my mom was a hoarder so I didn’t have friends over very often - it was so embarrassing. So I admit as an adult I’m somewhat of a neat nik. My motto is that everything in the home should have a place where it belongs. I don’t like clutter and my home, although not always spotless is kept picked up so I’m never embarrassed for anyone to see it at any time. I have three grown children and my youngest is even worse than my mom. She lives in absolute filth and it doesn’t bother her a bit. Curdled milk in cups and dirty dishes everywhere, toilet has stuff growing in it. She has a cat that pees on everything so the smell of all that filth is truly terrible. She doesn’t do laundry very often, she just buys more underwear when she runs out of clean ones. I’ve tried helping her thinking once everything was clean she’d see how much better it looked and felt but within literally hours the filth starts building up again. It’s a mystery to me as to why people like to live that way but to some it’s just not s big deal and they aren’t going to change.

Sad...simply sad and hopeless to witness lives that choose to live in filth and squalor.

It affects children growing up in it, friends and family that want to visit and neighbors - as the outside is isuallly in the same condition. The property value drops not only of the house in chaos but the other houses in the neighborhood.

There is nothing good about it and people that don’t care....don’t change.

I commented 2 years ago, and now back visiting our 6 grandchildren who live on the other side of the world. Nothing has changed, still filth everywhere. Did a huge clean Christmas Eve so I could spend Christmas Day with them, children very willing to help. My daughter was at work. Children told me a few months some “spies” from school came round and Dad made them clean up. Even that scare hasn’t changed my daughter. Very very sad

Things are for the better in their house ....... everyone is on meds lol I ended up putting up the down and carrying the note. My son hasn’t missed a payment .... my wife still hovers over often and helps out. Kids are doing great in school and youngest girl is in preschool .. the whole family seems to take pride in the house .

I have a very similar but different situation. I babysit my grandson; I have since he was 4 months old. Before we sold our house last month and moved into an RV. Now, I babysit at her house. I have been cleaning for a month now and she never keeps it clean. She is recently married and her husband left for the Army about a month ago. So, part of the problem is he is the same as her. My sister came over and helped me pick the garbage. Clean my Grandson's bedroom. I have scrubbed the kitchen and done dishes everytime I come. I return after the weekend and the house is right back in the same condition.

I picked up clothes out off her bedroom floor and put them by the washer and dryer. She hasn't done any of the 9 loads of laundry that picked up from her bedroom.

There is trash everywhere! I am so disgusted and so takrn advantage of . My health is not the best. I fight Fibromyalgia everyday.

I want to be involved in his life but I can't be a Grandparent because I am busy babysitting and being a Mom to him.

I babysit Mon. - Weds. 5:30 AM - 6:30 PM. I am worn out and angry with the ways things are going but I am at a loss about what to do.

If you want to do something different, you have three options:

Babysit at your daughter's house and don't clean

Babysit at your home and don't clean

Don't babysit.

Let your daughter's cleaning be _her_ issue. If she cares about it, she will clean. If she doesn't, she won'r, and if you clean and then complain that she doesn't maintain the cleanliness she can justifiably reply that you weren't asked to clean. Then you'll both be unhappy.

I know this post has been going on for some time now, but after reading all the comments I feel obligated almost to say my feelings on this matter. I have been that child that many of you talk about in your comments growing up in filth, but I also have a daughter who has a filthy home presently and is raising my grandson in that filth. Please understand that when I say filth I do not mean toys on the floor, I mean never vacuuming, dishes all dirty in kitchen, fruit flies everywhere, furniture that looks a different color because it’s so filthy yet it’s only a year old and being fortunate to have a new washer and dryer that you never use and all the clothing items are dirty throughout the house. With that said I will tell you that it is an awful way to grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And at the end of the day it boils down to pure laziness!!!!!!! And some of you said that if it’s not your home then there isn’t anything you can do and you would be correct for the most part, but that doesn’t and will never make it ok to raise children in such filth!!!! This is about being full of excuses, stubborn, selfish and lazy!!!!!!!! As a child into adulthood this very much affects your self-esteem as well as so much more!!!! I could give examples for days about how this affected me and has done so my entire adult life in a negative way!!!! Bottom line is this—- If you are the person comfortable with and see nothing wrong with living in filth then SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!! I am telling you that it is wrong on so many levels:-(

I'm so glad that I found this site, as I, like all of you, am losing sleep over the condition of my sons and grandkid's home. I have two divorced sons, each of which have two kids. The kid's ages are 9, 11, 11 and 15, so also able to pick up after themselves. But why should they if their own fathers don't. It's not just messy, it's filthy. Bathrooms unbelievable, kitchens - likewise. In the entryway, there have to be 50 shoes dumped where they've been taken off. What's ridiculous is to even take your shoes off because the floors are so filthy that it would be healthier to keep your street shoes on! Empty or half empty water/pop bottles everywhere. Unknown "stuff" stuck on the floors everywhere. Waste baskets overflowing onto the floor. Dishes in the bedroom on the floor, under the bed, etc. So, you see, I'm not just being picky here. My husband and I have finished the basement so there was more room for the six of them, and have told them all that this has to be kept clean going forward. I have personally gone there during the day and done complete cleaning top to bottom a number of times, but inevitably, within a week it's back to the same filth. I've told both my sons how sickening it is. One of them is not like this, but he has given up because he's sick of doing everything himself when his brother won't lift a finger. They are both great dads for sure, but what about the kids now, at their teenage and preteen ages. I'm worried that if they have friends over, they're going to get talked about behind their backs about the pig sty they live in. I lose sleep over this when I know I should just butt out and mind my own business; they're adults after all. When their dad and I divorced when my sons were 8, their dad remarried and the new wife (who I really, really like as a person) is a total pig when it came to house keeping. My son's would complain that when it got too bad, their dad (my ex) would start screaming and everyone would have to clean. I know they think I'm OCD when it comes to a clean house, and that's why it bothers me, but trust when I say that I keep a clean house but in no way am I obsessed with it. I vacumn maybe once a week, do our laundry once a week, keep my kitchen spotless (hey that's where I cook and we eat), and clean the bathrooms regularly. Both my husband and I are the type to pick up after ourselves. I guess I can't change how my son's and grandkids live. They are adults after all. But it sickens me to think that they're children are growing up thinking that this is ok. It's funny, but when the grandkids come here, they pick up after themselves because they know that's how we live, so they must see the difference. Thanks for letting me vent. I know there is no fix to this other than to clean their house myself once a week.

Years later... No, it's a laziness thing... gaming is also an addiction (so it could be that). I think it's strange this is your daughter, and you're afraid, to be honest with her. Why not just be truthful? "I don't enjoy staying in this mess." "this does not feel like a vacation." "I taught you better." Sure it could be depression, but if you keep acting like it's fun to do chores rather than being truthful that you don't enjoy stepping around toys or mess and dog pee, then they'll never actually addresses it. You can ask her directly, "why is it so messy?" and then offer help, "do you need a home management plan?" You don't have to be a jerk, but a dose of honesty is needed. I hope you had this resolved (else this is 7 years later and the kids aren't in the house anymore).

Honesty doesn't always end up on a good note. After visiting our son and family, cross country from us, four years ago, I again came home totally depressed about the state of their home and concerned for our three grandchildren. I have not been out there since. Since neither our son or our daughter in law are "approachable" about the concerns my husband, I and our adult daughter had about the state of things, I wrote a letter to them. Then there was a series of e-mail exchanges and the final email from our son which stated that he and our daughter in law wanted no more contact with any of us. At the time, our daughter in law was going through a real rough time because her father was terminally ill, across country from her and she was an only child...a latch key child. Neither she or our son had been the tidiest of people but their house was never dirty, etc. until the children came along, fifteen years into their marriage. She worked until the children were born. She is now a stay at home mom. She is a very doting mother. I would call our son an absentee parent in that he comes home from work, requires "me" time for at least a half hour before he interacts with the family. He spent very little time with them the children as compared to our daughter in law who carted them everywhere, swim lessons, 4H, the zoo every weekend. Sometimes we thought she got out of the house with the children because she just needed to get away. Our son is an engineer with an MS and our daughter in law has a BS in horticulture. She used to have an incredible garden and landscaped yard (with little help from our son). For years my daughter in law and I had regular phone conversations about the challenges of raising children. She was 35 when she had the first child, a girl, now 14. The second girl was born two years later and then they had a son two years later. None of her pregnancies were easy and either her mom or I went out to help after the first child was born. They didn't ask either mom to be there for the first birth. My husband and I did not visit very often prior to the children as we were both still working and our son and daughter in law had little vacation and time for themselves. When the grandchildren came along, we visited one a year, during our vacation. Our son and wife usually came "back home" for a visit once a year and split their stay between her parent's house and ours. Our oldest grandchild has problems with depression and low self esteem. She started seeing a therapist. She actually asked me to be present for a session on my last visit out there. Our middle grand daughter has anger management issues and our grandson was diagnosed with autism, although he is high functioning. Their household was chaotic and their visits "back home" were as well. The children had poor eating habits and usually were not in bed before midnight and were not quiet--very rambunctious all night long. So, bottom line, you can love them, offer them help and they may turn on you. I ended up seeing a therapist for a year to try and figure out "what was wrong with me." I sometimes wish we had never expressed our concerns. At least we might still be seeing our grandchildren even though it wasn't always the best experience. My best to all of you. A good resource for estranged parents is: Sheri McGregor, author, writer, speaker. She has experienced estrangement.

My son and DIL should be living in a cave To make a long story short they are F n dirty. The inside of their home is filty. She works part time sleeps to 10 each morning and does not cook or clean . She will not talk to me because i try to clean up and repair things . i hsve spent thousands of dollars trying to help. i dont unde why she is such a bad housekeeper.. Her sisters are just the opposite. if she washes the dishes she thinks she should get a award. Their neighbors come to me asking for help to get them to clean up their peoperty. i Both of them are over 50 lbs overweight and look awful. Both have no self asteem. I actually do hope children services comes and threatens to take their child away i am so afraid that she is living in filt. My main fear is of there being a fire.

So, does your son do anything towards the housekeeping, or does he just sit there waiting for your DIL to do it all?