With a full scholarship including r&b, your dtr is already a very focused individual. I have six brilliant scholars, two of whom were valedictorians, all of whom were scholar athletes, drum majors, team captains, NHS member or president, student body president, prom queen and king, actors in school plays, et cetera. Not one of them got a full ride like your dtr! Congratulations to all of you!

I will also say that my kids did not work during the school year while in hs as they were busy and having a good time, but they all worked 15 to 20 hours a week all during college. They had their budgets and they kept to them. They all had student loans, they all went to grad school. I can't say we gave them any advice specific to going to college, other than than to keep doing what they had been doing all their lives. By this time, it is already part of who they are.

One day when he was about 11, my fourth kid came home from a friend"s house and said to Dad and me, "Did you guys know you don't have to go to college?" Dad said, "Of course you don't if you don't want to. You just have to finish high school and get some sort of training so you can earn a good living." J said, "Huh. I just thought you went to grade school, jr high, high school and college. I didn't know you could stop after high school."

Good luck, and be very proud.

shermann, thanks but I don't want to misrepresent her--she is a very well-rounded kid (student council, theater, volunteering, sports) but not a particularly focused scholar. She was homeschooled through 10th grade and the transition to public HS was heavy on the social life and light on the study sessions!

Her scholarship is particular to kids with a certain interest and sufficient for the costs of our state U. where DH is on faculty and we also get the faculty discount--it wouldn't cover even tuition at a private liberal arts college.

She has only worked as a nanny/babysitter during HS, because she was in so many activities and she's gone so much in the summer, so it's good to hear your kids transisitoned from not working in HS to working in college.

I was against sons working more than part time through high school and college. I still am but now that they are in college one is working full time and the other almost full time. The one working full time is taking a slightly lighter load with classes as he is working his way up in management. They are both doing well and living on their own. My youngest who is twenty just bought a three bedroom townhouse and he and my older son plus a roommate are sharing expenses. My boys are not into the nightlife so I think working has worked out for them. I do not think there is an answer to your question because young adults are so individual in their maturity level. As parents my husband and I used to joke with them and ask if they wanted us to take them for piercings or tattoos (we hate all that) but somehow knowing that they could took the fun out. They learned to be conscious of money and spending from us at an early age. I would take them grocery shopping or clothes shopping and make them look for deals. When grocery shopping I would have them compare what they thought was a deal with weight, amount or quality in mind. Both our sons are so different. One had no problem taking from us so we weaned him off slowly. The other son always wanted to take care of things himself. I think you probably know what's best with your daughter.

Figure out how much money you will need to provide on a monthly basis don't give her any more. Help her figure out a budget and stick to it. If you start giving her extra money for "emergencies" she will not learn to live within her means.

I wouldn't expect her to be financially independent by the time she graduates unless she has a job lined up. So many college graduates have moved back home after graduation because of the lack of jobs.

DS1 was an Engineering major, so there was no way he could work even an hour a week, however he did intern in the summers and made quite a bit of money, but we still paid for apartment, cell, etc. He was very frugal with his money. He also had a job lined up after graduation.

DS2 was an accounting major and was able to work about 10 hours a week.

It all depends on their major, some majors makes it impossible for kids to work. Basically you have to play it by ear.

I like that you have a bedroom for her. That's sweet!

Oakley makes a good point about financial independence immediately after graduation. I hope when she graduates she will be, but three of mine were unable to fend for themselves because jobs were unavailable or they were going on to grad school. Health insurance was a major problem; I hope it won't be for you/her.

I am glad she will still have her room! Even if she doesn't "come home" it is nice to know she can.

I work with graduate students, many who do chose to go on because there are not jobs available immediately out of undergrad studies. However, you state her room is there, so that would be the biggest expense - room and board would be taken care of. So at the very least, she should be able to find SOME kind of job to take care of her own personal expenses. I would probably let her know that is what you are expecting/hoping for. In the years she is in college, you need to stress good budgeting and working at some point. Many of our students work within the department (teaching assistants, student workers, etc.) or at other jobs on campus which allow them time to study, close proximity, etc. It can be done. I have seen students work 40 hours a week, go to school full time and maintain grades and/or scholarship. You will need to work with her on focusing on her studies and maintaining her grades in order that she can keep her scholarship. Hopefully those skills will help her through the coming years. Good luck!!

tina

When I was a college student, my parents (plus student loans!) paid for my tuition, room and board, but I was expected to pay for anything outside of that, including books. I worked full time every summer, and I was expected to save enough from the summer to last through the school year. Worked for me, and at least I had some sense of budgeting and how to stretch a dollar! We did the same thing with my oldest DS, which worked well the first year (he was away at college) because we controlled the money (even though it was money he'd earned himself) and "doled out" the money month to month. This is because he has no concept of how to save money, think ahead to future expenses, etc. (He has major executive function issues, among other things.) This past year, when he was also a college student but living at home, we had the same deal, but with disastrous results because in the fall, he and his brilliant therapist thought it would be better for DS to have all his money at once and learn how to budget on his own. So we handed over all the money he had worked all summer to earn, and he blew it in about two months. So in December, with the rest of the school year ahead and no job, he had empty pockets. The story is much longer than that, but he is an extreme case and I still think the concept of having them work in summers so they can pay for some things on their own is a decent plan!

When our DS is finished with school, we have told him we will pay his rent for one year (if he successfully finishes school and meets some other guidelines we established) but he will be expected to have a job -- even if it's not the job he is ultimately looking for -- so he can pay the rest of his expenses.

My second DS is a completely different kid. He's a sophomore in HS, has a part time job 3 afternoons a week and saves most of the money he earns. He will have a very healthy bank account by the time he graduates from high school! He manages to work while also having almost straight A's, playing soccer, two instruments, etc. Even if he doesn't get summer jobs, he will have enough money by the time he goes to college to pay for his incidentals.

We have told all our kids that we will pay their tuition, room and board when they go to college (though it would be great if at least one of them would get some sort of scholarship!), but they will have to contribute in some small way. I think asking them to earn their spending money is totally reasonable, whether they earn it over the summer or during the school year.

Our oldest DS is going to have a long road ahead while he figures out how to budget and plan ahead. We are concerned for him, but at least for now, he isn't really listening or following our advice. DH and I just know we're going to get a lot of calls when he's out on his own, saying the electricity's been turned off and he has no idea why, or this bill came out of nowhere and he has no money to pay it.

This is a timely subject for us. Our DD is a sophomore in college. She works hard all Summer in a family restaurant. This year she did OK saving money, but not as much as she did last year. She definitely was more comfortable spending money this semester and ran a little low. (I can't' tell you how irritated I was when I saw all her new, cute undies in her Spring break laundry, mine are Fruit of the Loom!) Budgeting is definitely a skill she needs to work on. :) We have encouraged her not to work during the school year as she is very involved in her department doing research projects with grad students. She's also a rape crisis peer counselor which unfortunately also takes a lot of time. (It has kept her far from the frat parties though!)

Next semester she will be in Budapest. I'm VERY nervous about how she is going to manage her money over there. I know she is going to want to travel. Our arrangement with her is that we will pay for 50% of her education expenses and any scholarships, grants, etc. come out of her half. She has been nominated for a big scholarship this year and we are all crossing our fingers.

I'd like to see her get an evening job at Starbucks this year and really save some cash. I think if she does that DH will be more likely to contribute to her travel fund for next semester. She got a fairly serious concussion in January and it has been tough for her this semester. It seems like she needs a lot of time to nap, something that she never needed before. We're working on getting her in to see her neurologist but of course new health insurance is slowing the process.

So all that rambling means that we haven't done a lot in teaching ours to manage her money. LOL.

Beth P.

When I went to college, my parents paid for it and I still got an "allowance" of about $100 a month (this was the 1980s). They also continued to pay for my car insurance. And this was before cell phones and computers, etc. I wasn't expected to work during college.

My dad told me early on that there was "X" amount of money set aside for me to go to college, so I'd better finish in 4 years or the money would run out and I would have to figure it out myself after that. Also, if there was money leftover at the end, I could use it for whatever I wanted (car!). So I had an incentive to be frugal with the money that was there.

I went to Junior college for two years and lived at home, so I saved a lot there. I also worked while I was in junior college. When I went on to a university, I didn't work. But I had my eye on the prize at the end. And at the end (in 1987, mind you) there was enough left for me to buy a 4-year-old VW Rabbit convertible (about $6,500).

This is so timely for us as well. My son is in his first year in our community college and living at home. He is very frugal and is a good kid, generally making good choices with peers, ect. He also enjoys working part-time. He is working now but is getting too many hours. We have encouraged him to get his hours reduced or quit but he likes the money and wants to save for university. He is bright, learns quickly but is ADD - unmedicated. So naturally he is late for things, disorganized, impulsive,... all the things that go with that. We hoping for and encouraging maturity with his classes. If he enjoys the class it's an easy A. If he dislikes the class or teacher he procrasitnates on the work and does not do well. He actually does better in school when he works some hours because his time is more structured. But he likes to use it as an excuse as to why he wasn't prepared for a class. We think he will just have to decide that he wants better. He gets a scholarship from our church, otherwise we are paying for community college. He knows he will need to take out loans for the university when he transfers. We have urged him to do well in school so that he is elegible for scholarships. Not sure how it all will work out but we better figure it out because we have two more children to get through college after him.
Sorry if I strayed off topic.

This past year, when he was also a college student but living at home, we had the same deal, but with disastrous results because in the fall, he and his brilliant therapist thought it would be better for DS to have all his money at once and learn how to budget on his own. So we handed over all the money he had worked all summer to earn, and he blew it in about two months.

Sounds like a learning experience to me.

Terriks...you'd think so, wouldn't you? Same kid made about $200 last week between babysitting and a video job (he's in film school and occasionally gets gigs through the school). As of today, I'm pretty sure his wallet is empty again. He has a serious problem with money. Sorry, don't mean to stray too far off topic with my particular kid's issues but it is very aggravating!

I second what Terriks said. The only way to make them responsible with $$ is to make sure you don't save them from their own bad judgement. I have been on my own since I was 14 years old and at barely 15, I had another mouth to feed besides my own. My parents never asked if I had money. They expected me to make good choices.

I told them they had to live within their budget or do without. Don't call me for more $$ . If I could feed myself and a baby at 15 with no support, they could feed themselves at 18, 19 and 20 with support.

They made a few poor choices in the beginning but they lived through the experience and quickly learned how to stretch a dollar. I think the secret is having high expectations.

"They made a few poor choices in the beginning but they lived through the experience and quickly learned how to stretch a dollar. I think the secret is having high expectations."

I think this is good advice from Golddust. I think for us, a lot of discussion needs to happen when she gets home from school in May. About this and her piles of crap that we need to sort from High School.

Beth P.

You do have to expect that they may screw up somewhere along the line. They do need to know their parents are there for emergencies but that they need to always have an emergency fund of their own. Shorty after son moved into his townhouse he needed five thousand dollars worth of dental work. His dad and I had already put in two months of hard labor to help him get his townhouse up to scratch, he paid for most all the supplies but we still ended up getting nickel and dimed to death. I know he was hoping for us to come up with the dental dough but in the end he took out a loan to make payments. I knew it was best that he learned now how important an emergency fund is.
Back when the boys were young I was thinking that I would not want them to work while going to college but since have completely changed my mind on that. There is no guarantee of a job after they graduate but there will be even less of a chance if they have no real work experience. I also changed my mind over the years on them going straight to a university. Although my boys are pretty responsible and mature for some reason young people do not seem as overall mature as they were back in my day, I was born in 1960. Maybe it was because we had more freedoms growing up? I don't know! But with my youngest I am glad I did the 2/2 plan, two years community and two years university. He has always been fairly mature but still, how much can you expect a kid to know at eighteen? I think the transition went pretty smooth because he lived at home for the first two years of community and that gave us a chance to further guide him.

I have two kids off at college.

We pay their tuition, books, rent, and their meal plans. I have always told them that they have to pay for their spending money and for meals they eat off campus. My DD works part time along with going to school and works during the summer. My DS is a freshman and he will work over the summer to save enough for the school year. He is a computer science major and really doesn't have the time to work while attending classes.

I think it benefits them greatly to spend their hard earned money on the extras as opposed to ours. I do think that they will graduate with better understanding of a budget.

I worked my whole way through college without anyone to call if my money ran out. Like Golddust said, if I could get through that, I think they can get through this.

I lived at home and commuted during undergrad, but my parents did not pay for tuition, books, or my car. They sat us all down very early and told us if we wanted a car, to go to school, or to get married we would be paying for it ourselves. I bought my own car when I turned 19 and paid for education through Ph.D. though financial aid, assistantships, and loans. I am finally paying off my loans this summer! I always had a part-time job except in doctoral progam when I had a decent TA/GA stipend. I did not live at home when I did my Masters, and I moved out of town for my Ph.D.

One of my friends' parents paid 100% freshman year and then decrease 25% by senior year to work towards financial independence. I think this is a good idea.

One of my undergrads' parents told her she must find an job and pay room and board after she graduates. She applied to graduate programs, and despite a great GPA and other qualifications like Honors Degree, will probably not get accepted this year. :( However, her parents will put some of this money aside so she can live on her own, so it will be more like a "deposit."

I have a fair amount of first-generation college students, so they have to work. Their families cannot really help them very much. Although, one student whose parents were clearly solidly middle class insisted he work.

Thanks to every one of you for your replies. I am really grateful.

It is encouraging to me to hear so many of your stories of having been in charge of your own finances early, or having kids who learned at a relatively early age even if it was the hard way) to live within their means. I think I am just scared of the whole thing b/c of how it went for me.

"Back when the boys were young I was thinking that I would not want them to work while going to college but since have completely changed my mind on that. There is no guarantee of a job after they graduate but there will be even less of a chance if they have no real work experience"

YES!! I'm a career advisor at the university level and I have observed, without exception, that kids without any job experience not only are a serious disadvantage but that they have weaker life skills. I'm impressed especially by kids who have been budding entrepreneurs: running a lawn care business, or babysitting or the gold standard-tutoring. Life guarding or camp counselors are great too; that shows someone who literally can be trusted with other people's lives. Working in a store or fast food restaurant--if someone ran the cash register that means s/he was trusted with the most important business tool of all: OPM-other people's money. And so on. Believe it or not, the kids with job experience, no matter how low level, also tend to be on the more successful academically and in terms of involvement. You know the saying "if you want something done, ask the busiest person you know." Lot of truth to that even for kids.

However, I know that many parents, and we were in this group, feel that in HS kids' job is to learn. Especially in today's competitive world getting those grades and high test scores for college apps is critically important.

Still, when I am reviewing resume drafts I always sigh a bit when one of my freshmen has *nothing* to list for work experience. Kids learn a lot from the most menial jobs and recruiters rank experience very highly because it teaches all those values that a boss wants to see: reliability, organization skills, character etc.

And when I get a college junior or heaven forbid a senior who has never earned any money for him/herself, that is a major negative. Frankly, it creates the appearance of a spoiled kid lacking real world skills. And parents, let me give you an insider's tip: there are always a few hours a week that a college student can work. Trust me, even the most intensive majors have options that can be fitted into a tough academic plan. There are campus jobs in the library, or at the computer lab, or even as security officers in the dorms at which students can often study while they work. Carving out 5-15 hours weekly to work can be done and it should be done.

IMO we baby boomer parents have created a whole structure around our college kids that makes them what I once heard called "dependent independent". By setting up a young adult, and at ages 18-22 that's what they are, with a prepaid life including housing, food, and expenses you are not helping them learn and grow. Instead you're hindering your child from learning the life lessons of independence, financial management and responsibility.

In our personal situation my two college age kids both go to the university at which I work so the tuition is covered. They both have chosen to live at home, which means there are no additional housing costs. If they want to eat with us it's fine and I will purchase food if they ask me to pick up items when I grocery shop. Otherwise, their expenses are their responsibility. Our son has a truck and pays for the upkeep including maintenance and insurance. Both kids work part time and their spending money pays for all entertainment, travel, clothes, and incidentals.

It's so important to start learning to let go and as others have said, that means letting adult children figure out how to be functional adult with all that entails.

Ann

My kids were expected to pay their own way as early as high school - they bought any extras that weren't supplied by me (like special clothes or video games) and if they wanted a car, they paid for that including insurance, so by the time they were going to college, they knew how to work and budget their money. I'll say honestly they were not great students in high school, but each got into the college of their choice with scholarships and grants I think mostly due to their work and life experience. Their GPA and SAT scores were not outstanding, but they had to interview for their schools and in that they were way ahead of others. Their father and I paid for most of college including books, but not extra spending money, so they had to work part-time and have some student loans; luckily not enough to cripple them. They became better students in college because they knew they had to keep their grades up for the financial aid (they would have to pay more in loans if they didn't have that) and they each graduated with honors in 4 years, fortunately before the whole world collapsed so they were able to get jobs and neither of them moved back home after college. They're both doing really well and take care of their old Ma -- they often take me to dinner and they bought me an iPad for Christmas! I'm very proud of them both, now 26 & 28 years old.

My sister-in-law did not believe in having her daughter work in high school - she thought she should focus on her studies. Well, the kid didn't do that and she has dropped out of community college several times now and at 23 is living at home working part-time in a Mall store wondering when her life is going to start.

Running, thanks for the reinforcement. Both of my boys are still in college and both work. Max is a counselor for Homeless people and Derek works at a Sushi bar. I did let them have a fairly free ride their freshman year in college but after that, they had to get a job.

Max tends to go for different kinds of jobs than Derek, obviously. Max worked as a drug counselor before his current job but it was in a lockdown facility that specialized in mentally ill drug addicts. A little too intense but now he works in a program whose clients are there voluntarily. He likes it much better.

Derek is a hard worker who has learning issues so I don't think he could succeed in a challenging job while going to school. I'm very proud of both of them.

Our kids worked part-time during high school but not at all during college. We paid for part of their living expenses on an "allowance". All three held summer jobs all through college and were expected to pay for a portion of their living expenses. Our only requests were the following: study, do well and graduate in 4 years. We made it very clear that we were prepared to put all three kids though private college but that they must complete their degree in 4 years or the remaining time was on their dime.

Two went to grad school and paid for it themselves (loans, working a bit, etc.) All three were gainfully employed upon graduation (thankfully!) The youngest has chosen to live at home for a year to pay off her graduate school loans. She commutes to her job (easy to do) and frankly, we like having her here again :-). She pays us room and board, a condition of moving back home. She's still able to save a considerablie amount of money by living at home with us, plus Dad has dinner on the table every night!

Two of the three studied abroad for a year, which took some penny pinching and frugal living on their part. It was an experience they would repeat in a heartbeat.

We feel lucky that our kids were good students in high school, always expected to go to good colleges and were well prepared by their rigorous high school to succeed. We count our blessings.

My parents paid for all my college expenses, but my DH had to foot the bill for most of his. We both were in agreement about what we wanted to be able to do for our children.

It's so nice to be FREE from all those bills but I can honestly say that I can't think of a better "investment".

We wanted our kids to be free of the burden of student loans and have paid all their college expenses. They've been grateful and we'd do it again. Our DD worked at her university as a lifeguard during the summers and she also took a few classes that interested her but were not part of her degree program. We paid for them, because that's why she was in college--- to expand her horizons and interests as well as develop a career track. She got a job in her field shortly after she graduated and is self supporting. Older son has never been a good money manager and frankly I don't know if he ever will be. Younger son still an unknown quantity; he has never held a summer or school year job (he's a college sophomore) but plays competitive tennis and competes in another arena as well. Both he and DD went to boarding schools that were academically rigorous and had no after school jobs then. Still, the older two are self supporting and the younger DS is doing well in college. My guess is that a good part of what makes kids financially responsible is just their own personalities.

Leafy,

Not being a parent I haven't much advice to offer on the main question. But one detail caught my eye: your daughter was H/Sed until the last few years of HS.

So was I. My parents worked overseas so most of my schooling was done (back in 50's!) in a very unschooling (to use a modern descriptor) way. But it was always understood that my younger sister and I would eventually return for the last uears of HS, and for college to the States. I attended a well-known Quaker boarding school outside of Philadelphia. (My parents aren't Friends and my other option, Emma Willard in NY was only girls, whereas Friends schools are co-ed. Though choice for a 16 y.o., right?)

Anyway, the point I want to make is this: because I had long experience as an extremely independant learner I was quite flummoxed by the teaching-in-little-class-sized pellets that occurred even at my prgressive boarding school, never mind when I went on to a large state university for college. I really struggled and didn't do as well as I might have. I did work, and after a year or so (and because of long distance disagreements over life styles -this was c 1969 , after all -with my parents who were still overseas) I worked to pay my expenses. I worked happily, and resourcefully and maybe got more out of that than my actual college work. My younger sister, OTOH who had the same educational experience as I, including the same boarding school when her turn came, did much better starting at Yale and finishing with a PhD from Harvard.

Still I found the transition to the didactic teaching method very hard to master and it nearly sunk me. To this day, however, I am extremely grateful for my h/s education as it provided me with something perhaps even more valuable than my not-so-stellar college career: a life-long intellectual curiosity and natural aptitude for identifying what I need (or want) to learn, on any subject I have come across. As I am in my 60's now I see how rich this has made my life.

But I you mentioned your daughter was transitioning; I'd keep a close eye on whether, or not, she is adjusting to the differrent teaching methods. OTOH my own experience may be so atypical - we lived at the back of beyond in South America so my peer experience before boarding school was essentially nil - perhaps that was even a bigger part of my difficulty adjusting.

Your daughter seems pretty grounded and I imagine she will do well. Years from now she may realize, as I belatedly did, how vaulable the h/s experience is. I wish you all good luck.

L.

Thanks, Liriodendron--always interesting to hear about people's homeschooling transitions and even better to hear from the perspective of many years later.

You're right that it was a tough shift for her to get in the groove of the way high school is taught and the constant "carrot and stick" methods of our local public schools. Our homeschooling was very classics and history heavy and I'd say her biggest surprise was finding out how little her classmates know about those kinds of subjects, although they clearly had her beat in the math department!

As you mention, the "pellets" teaching style was new to her, and pretty much turned her off, especially in subjects where she wasn't already highly interested. But she has loved the chance to be involved in theater, clubs, etc. so I think overall it's been okay for her in that regard.

I've appreciated everyone's feedback about what has and hasn't worked for them and their kids. I do think a lot of it is the personality involved, and I hope that her general level-headedness will prevail!