I think friends are important. It really hit me when my mom was ill with terminal cancer and her circle of friends that closed in around her - and us. Most of those friends she had been friends with since high school (she was 72 when she passed away), and a couple of those were even from grammar school. I have remained friends with a few of these women since her death almost 8 years ago. I have a few friends from school years but don't see many of them that often. The friends I see more often are friends I made as an adult, some through work, etc. Some of these are "couple friends", whom my husband and I are both friends with. My very best friend falls into that category. Our husbands are also friends and we socialize with them most often, even occasionally take trips together. These are the friends that we plan (dream?) of activities with during our older years LOL!! I'm very close to my sister and we consider her and her husband friends as well as relatives. My husband, is of course my closest friend of all. We started out as friends. I do think it's important for each of us to have our own friends and to spend time with friends, both separately and as a couple. Just my thoughts!!

My one friend from elementary school and one friend from high school are my longest standing friends. Although we really only connect on facebook and an occasional phone call they are still very dear to me. Both live in the state that I am originally from and since I don't have family left there it is not a place I visit. My "adult" friends are two that I met while working, a former neighbor and my wonderful friends from a singles club in my neighborhood. They are mostly women and a few men but a few I consider really good friends and others semi friends. My sister lives in a different state than I but she is probably my best friend.

I've been socially introverted for just about as long as I can recall. That's not to say I didn't have friends all throughout my life, because I did. At some ages it was one or two best friends, then later perhaps a larger circle of friends, but I always retained the quiet, insular part of myself that needed to escape from them all and just be alone at some point. These days, DH is my closest friend, with my parents falling a very close second. I have siblings and other family members that I also consider to be friends, and I have business colleagues that have become my friends. That said, there are very few people that I spend a tremendous amount of time with (save for DH, and even he and I require our separateness from time to time, as he too is an introvert). I've backed away from other women who have seemed to have a need or longing for a "bff", as I really have no desire to share daily interaction with anyone other than my spouse. At one time, I reconnected with a friend with whom I was very close in high school, and learned that her way of relating had not changed at all since those days. When we were 14 or 15, it seemed normal to hang on the phone with one another for hours on end, whether or not we had anything of any importance to actually say. As an adult, it struck me as odd that she still retained the expectation that that's the sort of thing we would do, and wasn't something I wanted any part of, so I found myself avoiding her calls. We eventually drifted apart, and a few years later I learned that she had been killed in an accident. I sometimes feel that I failed her as a friend, but I just didn't know what else to do but move away from the smothering.

I too have done the whole partying thing, at several points in my life. What may look like a rollicking good time being had by all on the surface is often anything but, particularly when copious quantities of alcohol are involved. I've been in groups of "friends" where everyone was drinking and partying, and always came away with an empty feeling. DH and I even talked often about how we probably couldn't even call on any of those people we called "friends" in that environment to so much as help us if ever stranded on the side of the road with car trouble. Image and truth are often worlds apart.

What a thought provoking post.

In my younger days, I had a lot of friends. Did lots of partying, I was a social butterfly.

For some reason, the older I get, the more introverted I become. I don't know why....and I honestly don't know if I care.

I have a spouse who is honestly my best friend. I am deeply grateful for that and I can talk to him about almost anything.

What I don't have anymore is any other close friends besides him. My last close friend retired and moved away a few years ago, and no one else local has taken her place. I know I could call her at any time, but it's just not the same as getting together in person.

But right now, I'm facing my first real health crisis ever....and man I wish I had a girlfriend I could lean on.

I have three different "sets" of friends, really.

I went to a small town school and my most cherished three friends are from the 2nd grade. We still get together for each of our birthdays each year and one of them I consider my very best friend-whom currently I have lunch with and go to movies, dinner and talk to all the time. She is one of those friends you can say if you are on the phone and in the middle of something, "I gotta go, call you right back" and hang up and then call her right back. We borrowed clothes with each other, had tons of sleepovers, lived together for awhile, etc. She knows the most about me, and me, her.

I also have a group of friends I have made, meeting them through my son and their sons while in school and those are the ones our family travel with at times, go to dinners, parties, etc. They are fun-but a couple of them are superficial, IMO and they have MANY, MANY friends, so maybe I just don't feel as special, even though, I am considered part of group of friends. I mostly have fun with them, but I don't think I am extremely close enough to share certain things. Lots of girl trips with this group.

I then have my "liberal" neighborhood friends- LOL (they live in my neighborhood and our sons are very good friends). They are actually my favorite to sit down and talk too. They are deep and I do share a lot with them. We like to talk about our feelings and parenting and some political. I am the only conservative, but one is married to a major conservative, so maybe because of that, she is patient with me. We never get mad at each other, but do speak our views. The other one is lesbian, but she and her wife are very "old school" and has traditional values, especially as far as parenting goes. I just adore her and she is such a great mom to probably my son's closest friend. I know, this should be no big deal, but in today's political climate, is the only reason I mentioned the conservative and liberal part.

I don't use the word friend lightly. My oldest friend is from Junior High School. Our friendship has changed throughout the years, which has been disappointing to me.

I think the special bond with DH is in a category of its own and I wouldn't put it in a friendship category.

I have five close friends. One is part of a couple DH has become friends with the husband. We socialize with them on a regular basis.

I then have a second tier of friends. These are ex-co-workers that I see socially on my own.

The third tier is a few women from the gym. We get together every so often for coffee after class and we do share personal info so I do feel they are more than acquaintances.

I have a first cousin who I look at as a friend. We have had our ups and downs and I'm glad we are on an upswing right now.

I have my (fraternal) twin sister who I am very close with. Older sister and brother, not as much.

I haven't made a new friend in 15 years. It is something I think about.

Patrice, I feel for you. That is why this site is very important.

I have a girlfriend that I met in grade 8 and we are still friends (we both turned 65 this year which has absolutely stunned us). We were each others maid of honours and we get together 3-4 times a year for a walk and lunch. We live about an hour apart so we tend to meet halfway someplace.

I have another girlfriend that I met about 25 years ago and we do the same thing. We also chat on the phone and get together as a foursome for dinners.

I also have three momfriends that I met 25 years ago when our kids started in kindergarten. We often socialized as our kids were on the same teams, went to each others birthday parties, etc. When the kids graduated from high school we decided to make the effort to stay connected and we are facebook friends and get together without fail, once a year for a wine-infused lunch. This get-together started as a quick coffee then a walk and coffee and now it's a full-blown 3 hour lunch. We have a blast together talking about our lives and the changes that we have gone through = the good and the bad.

I also have my running buddies and my hiking group. My trail running buddies are everything to me. We have been running for probably 20 years, three times a week in the trails, and rain and snow are no excuses for not coming and we recently added a couple more who had heard about our little group. These are all neighbourhood moms (and one dad) and there are 7 of us and we talk about stuff that stays on the trail. We also socialize as a group with our spouses.

These women are the core of a much larger hiking group which includes our spouses. We probably hike 2-3 times a month but not in the winter when conditions are poor with ice and snow.

And then there is my book club.

For me friends are so important. My DH is my partner and a friend of course but I need my girlfriends. When my DH retired at 60 I told him I was not his hobby and he needed to develop his own friends and he took that to heart. He has a couple of great skiing buddies and a friend that he goes to soccer games with (I hate watching soccer) and I'm so glad he did. He never had the time to do this when he was working and I feel that it has somehow rounded him out.

As an aside - I am an introvert and am tired of the bashing that introverts take. We are not shy, we are not losers, we are not "stone cold", we are not lazy, or whatever other negative adjective you choose to assign to us and it is not an excuse to sit at home. If we are out and about in the trails and notice that someone might be "temporarily misplaced" (our term for lost - it happens) I'm the one who stops to help them. if someone is talking a photo with friends, I'm the one who stops to take the photo so that everyone can be in the picture.

Introverts do need alone time in order to re-energize and we probably have a shorter fuse for stupid idle social chit chat than others.

I have four sisters and four brothers, but all except one live in or near our hometown back in Michigan. The other just retired with his wife to South Florida. I am very close to all my siblings and their spouses, and consider them my close, and dear friends. We talk a lot via phone and Facebook. I also have a few, longtime close friends back there that I see whenever we go back to visit. We were just there again last month. I am an extrovert and make friends easily. But, my closest girlfriends here are the ones I made right after we moved here 35 years ago. We celebrate holidays together. Their kids are like our close nieces and nephews, and grew up with our two kids. We get together for lunch and our husbands are all good friends as well. My sweet husband of 35 years is my best friend, though.

Thank you everyone.

Just wanted to say blfenton that I don't think robo meant that they were stone cold because they were introverts but my guess is that they are introverts as well as being Stone Cold (emotionally.). I had a pair of those They were masquerading as parents.

Personally I'm an introvert but I'm not Stone Cold. I admit though I did have to work at being verbally loving and demonstrative even when I needed to shut down with my children. Now I'm just spreading my love amongst my family verbally and with my actions. Of course they know it is very sincere. I had a very good example of how I didn't want to be as an introvert.

Perhaps she meant that their introversion was set in stone now that I think about it. :-). Most of us have a very individual mixture of introversion and extroversion from what I understand. it leads us to understand one another a bit at least in general.

Obviously I'm guessing but online understanding isn't always the best.

Blfenton, maybe you can clarify. You say you are an introvert yet you have many friends and an active social life.

What is your definition of an introvert?

"Introverts do need alone time in order to re-energize and we probably have a shorter fuse for stupid idle social chit chat than others."

blfenton-I think you really hit on something when you described introverts. I really had a skewed view of the terms without actually really looking up and understanding the definitions. DD2 and I were talking a few years ago and she described herself as you just did, and I would never have thought of her as introverted. She is very social and has many friends (and she is in her 40's,) but she said exactly what you did-she needs time alone to re-energize.

ETA (Just cross-posting with eld and yeonassky with my response was to blfenton.)

As an introvert, I am still extremely gregarious at times. I can talk to anyone in any situation. I am usually the one to strike up conversations with others, whether it be in an office elevator or with the cashier at Walgreens. I was extremely shy in my younger years, but I have made my way out of that shell over the years, and I engage with others. A lot. Lately I've wondered why I do this, and I think it's because I long to experience a human connection, and I want others to feel that they too are seen.

That said, there are so many times when I just don't wanna, so I will go out of my way to avoid human contact. There are also times that, even though I have just been garrulous, I have an almost-immediate need to shut it down, to draw it all back inside me, to pull away and cocoon myself in solitude. It isn't just a desire, but a need that feels every bit as natural to me as needing to drink water or needing to sleep.

I believe that part of being an introvert also includes "living inside one's own head" a great deal. As the word implies, we focus inwardly more than extroverts do.

Idaclaire - what you described in your second paragraph is that need to re-energize and you have described it perfectly. And that "living inside one's own head" is partly that being tired of stupid idle social chit-chat.

ETA

@yeonassky - I apologize for having gone off topic with my mention of introverts. That was poor forum behaviour.

This is a great topic.

Sorry! I didn't mean they were cold, I was using "stone cold" as a popular colloquial expression to mean completely or absolutely (like stone cold sober). Although my family might seem reserved to outsiders, we are certainly warm to each other in our own repressed way (we are also repressed in addition to being introverted, except me, I'm just repressed).

I see introversion as a spectrum and my family is perfectly functional socially and successful in their careers, but very introverted and see no need for wide friend groups. They are extremely loyal to a very small circle of people. I had to learn social behaviours like small talk painstakingly for myself because I didn't have models at home for that kind of thing.

I'm not even THAT extroverted but compared to my family I'm PT Barnum.

I have friends from childhood, early adulthood, late adulthood, and ex-work friends. I try to connect with the ‘best’ of this bunch as often as possible. They know who the are. My oldest has been a friend since we were about 5 years old. Our mothers were friends and Brownie leaders together. She still lives in our home town, not far from here, owns a restaurant and catering business, which we frequent since our lake condo is there.

I frequently have lunch or dinner with other close friends or we host them at dinners here or go to their homes. One of my oldest and dearest (30 something years) is one I sometimes travel with to wine events (my DH doesn’t care for wine) and she is a long time single. She is my other rock, and we talk to each other about many things that don’t go further than the 2 of us.

I have 2 brothers, and we and their wives are all close, and I consider them all good friends.

I socialize easily, but don’t call everyone ‘friend’ until I have known someone a while. DH and I have similar interests but we do pursue things from different angles. We both volunteer at the Botanical Garden but in different capacities. So we run into each other, sometimes frequently, but are on differing schedules most of the time.

I still have friends dating back since I was a baby. Excluding a half a handful though we usually only see each other if I have a funeral to attend in MI. Old friend conversations carry on as if no time has passed. The others I see every year or so when they come to Florida. Other than that we keep in touch on FB.

My longest friend since moving to Florida over 35 yrs ago lives in Miami and has a busy career but we keep in touch on FB. I have two good friends from my old neighborhood and one good friend from the neighborhood before. Other than that, I do get together occasionally with others that are not in the "know well" best friend category but are people I like.

I am slowly becoming friends with my new neighbor.

Saying all that though...my husband is my best friend. I'm not really a women's woman sort in that I don't normally partake in large groups of women get togethers. Sometimes there is too much drama. I don't do drama. I like my alone time, couples or individual friend time or meeting new people when out or traveling.

I socialize easily but don't have a need to always be social (does that make sense?)

"Introverts do need alone time in order to re-energize and we probably
have a shorter fuse for stupid idle social chit chat than others." I can certainly understand that and probably feel that way myself, yet I don't think of myself as an introvert. Not sure I'm a total extrovert either (although I probably lean that way), but have characteristics of both.

JT, that makes perfect sense. I love being with friends, but I do find I prefer a smaller, select group of friends than the big groups. And, I must have some alone time too.

Tina and JT, that is how I am too, actually. I have to be in the right mood to go with the group of friends on girl trips, which of course, are planned weeks ahead and by the time it gets here, I wished I hadn't committed. I prefer smaller groups where you can really "talk".

It would seem most people are introvert. I have a friend who is definitely an extrovert. She wears me out thinking of the next thing to do, while I am ready to have a long break in between.

I see these threads as discussions. Thoughts come and are expressed. I have no problem with what you said blfenton. It broadens and deepens discussions to me.

Thank you again everyone for being my online friends and sharing with me. :)

I have a friend who is definitely an extrovert. She wears me out thinking of the next thing to do, while I am ready to have a long break in between.

I used to have to work closely with an extreme extrovert, having to spend days at a time with her at business functions. I would come home after several days of being in close quarters with this person, who was like the Energizer bunny on a massive coke high, and completely "crash and burn." I don't think I've ever met another person who was this much go-go-go, and just being around that over-the-top energy for any length of time completely exhausted me. That was another human being that I was totally incompatible with, and yet sometimes you just gotta suck it up and learn how to make the best of these unnerving situations. Adulting is hard. ;-)

I am an only child, whose father died when I was 9 and my mother had to go to work. At first she did domestic work, babysitting, ironing so she didn't need to get child care for me. When I was 11 or 12 and old enough to stay alone, she got a job, a new boyfriend and was gone long hours working or partying, so I was alone a LOT, which is still part of my chosen lifestyle. But I've always had close friends and have been drawn to large, fun, families with lots of kids.

My husband and I moved around our state a good deal for his career and I have good, close friends from each of the areas we lived in. I'm still friends with a neighbor friend from my childhood, although we now only check in once a year or so. And I have a handful of really close friends where I live now; friends are my chosen family since mine is so small. I had one child but didn't raise him; however, we are friends now.

My husband died when we were in our 40's so I've been alone, partner-wise, since then. But I never feel alone because of my circle of friends. I talk to or text one or more nearly every day, do social things with different ones during the week or on weekends, concerts, shows, dinner out, etc. I'm included for family events and holidays. I have dear friends who have moved to other places and are really the only reason I travel, to visit them. And they come visit me.

I do find it's difficult to make new friends as I grow older. Maybe I'm more tired, too busy with my grandson, or just plain more lazy. My activities seem to be with already friends, so the opportunity to meet new folks has become more limited.

@eld6161 - Introverts recharge by taking themselves off to be by themselves whereas extroverts re-energize by being around other people. Introverts tend to prefer smaller conversation groups, notice I have lots of friends but they are small get togethers. Don't get me wrong I love a good party, sometimes. We prefer one-on-one interesting/detailed conversations rather than large groups of idle chit-chats that extroverts tend to try to dominate.

There are other differences say in work or office settings but those are the main ones for social settings.

And as idaclaire mentioned, introverts sometimes do live in their own brain and like to think about things in peace.

But as robo mentioned the introvert/extrovert leaning is on a continuum and most people will have characteristics of both but lean towards one.

I've found this study between the two really interesting as when I discovered the personality trait introvert, I discovered that I wasn't strange and that I wasn't unusual and that I was ok. :) I made sense.

What's interesting that I've found with the extroverts that I do know is that introverts are ok with the extroverts but extroverts try to narrowly pigeon-hole introverts by telling them they are shy, etc. A friend of mine thinks that all introverts should be accountants sitting in an office by themselves. Try telling that to Bill Gates, or Steven Spielberg or Al Gore that, all famous introverts.

I have many close friends from different phases of my life: 1 from middle school, 4 from high school, my college roommate and 3 other college friends, and a friend from graduate school. I have 4 former colleagues from over the years who have become close friends, and even friends I have met through friends. I belong to 2 long-established book groups, and am a member of a neighborhood coffee klatch (probably 25 years) of moms with daughters who were in grade school together--I count the women from all these groups as friends. I have made a long-term friend at the gym, and another by walking through the neighborhood. I am very close to my brother and his wife, and not as close to my 3 sisters. I probably have 6 people among those mentioned with whom I am closest, but I consider most of these friendships to be warm and quite close.

I don't consider my husband a "friend" (though we have a very close and warm relationship); he is also quite social and has many close friends of his own. I'm not sure I could be categorized as either extrovert or introvert. I'm comfortable and outgoing in most situations (though I am not someone who "parties" unless you mean dinner parties; and I don't enjoy idle chit chat, either). I am curious about and interested in people generally. But I also like spending quiet time reading or gardening. I find being around people energizing and thought-provoking, but I find being alone and pursuing quiet activities restorative.

Among my friends there are those who are likely introverts, and others who may be extroverts—I don't narrowly pigeon-hole anyone on the basis of these characteristics. These personality types are not the most interesting thing about people.

DH and I had a very close group of 4 couples that we socialized with rotating homes and hosting dinner parties for over 30 years. We were like family and often included all the children in the gatherings. Most were 8-10 years older than us, which led to retirement and moving, but we still kept gathering on a regular basis. Then one of the women died after years of battling a chronic illness. Another died within a year of a cancer diagnosis. Both men found suitable partners after a couple of years and we welcomed them into our group. One couple divorced and we now adore her new husband. Just recently the only other surviving woman from the original group was diagnosed with a serious heart condition. Our efforts to get together are much more difficult, but we do keep in touch by phone and email. I miss the dynamics and comfort of the group, and at 64 it is not easy to find such cohesiveness.

We have very close couple friends in town that are like family to us. My two closest friends are women I met when we had our first child and I love them dearly. I have work friends that I intend to keep as I enter retirement. Some of my newest friends are a combination of work friends and new neighbors, both here at our vacation house and at home.

DH’s siblings and their spouses are very dear to us, probably even more so after we lost his brother last year. His sister and her DH live in C A and we will visit them next month on our trip to CA. His brother and wife are only 1 1/2 hours away and both recently retired. DH’s siblings and his 90 year old mother were here for a clam boil recently. We really work at keeping in touch.

As an only child I always wanted a large family. We feel incredibly blessed to have 3 grown daughters that we are close to, and they are close to each other. Two were just here for a few days, one brought her boyfriend. I absolutely treasure our daughters and their friends, who are loving, caring adults and are so much fun to hang out with.

DH has a group of tennis friends from our swim & tennis club. We talk about cultivating new friends both here and at home. Here our plan is to join a local wine club. At home we plan on hosting the end of season tennis party. We want to make new friends and are willing to put in the effort. In retirement we have the time to both nourish the cherished friendships and to cultivate new ones. DH will always be my best friend.

..yes.

early childhood-I'd say my (cousin) sister remains one of my closest friends. Our mothers were cousins, fathers were brothers..long story. We're just a year and a half apart, so we spent childhood together a lot-and we stayed very close.

I've great relationship with my brother, but it's different now when we're grown ups. He's still my world, just in a more balanced way)) Older brother-hell I envy myself!

school-yes I still keep in touch, I mean in real touch, with couple people..they're dear to me even though it can be years between we meet. (we all live far away from each other. I live far away from everybody-such luck((. It's just a feeling we can catch up where we left-and it'd be natural. We were friends in school but more from same "group" than best friends ever. My best friends from school didn't stay part of my life(their choice rather than mine, or so I feel). But they also live..one in Canada, one in Singapore...

university-that's the time that I made life long friends the most. They all are drastically different.

The thing is -some of my friends are so different I try not to mix them)) It's easy since again, they all are everywhere but here. The closest to me friend is in SF. I'd say I have three close friends from these times..and maybe couple more that reappear and dissappear again.

I always was very invested in friendships. Calling, writing..keeping that fire on

At some point though you get that you'll loose some people, if you move too much..or relationship becomes different with time, and some people, it'll be slowly distancing from , and some, will surprize you and you'll find each other again. And you won't always be able to predict who will walk next to you for decades.

adult age..yes several more friends. The degree of closeness also comes and goes a bit. Or-same closeness, but periods of communications can sometimes get intensive, then go awaay, then resurrect somehow. And of course-they all also live far away! lol

Except for my husband. He is truly my best friend. And he, out of all of them, lives pretty close))) So in that, I'm pretty darn lucky

yes I became less social with age, for different reasons. One of them probably age?

I was pretty outgoing as a kid. on the other hand I could spent hours upon hours with a book too. I kinda need my balance. I suspect everybody does.

I can be the life of the party and all-but I can spend days and weeks and sometimes months without really talking to no one but my husband, kids and Mom.

I will eventually write or call my closest friends of course if they won't..but it won't be, most likely, because I'm dying to talk and chat .I'm talkative enough where not needed (like here)..it will be because I worry about them and they are important to me. So it'd be rare but long converations. Rather than frequent and short ones

Unless it's a crisis situation-then I'll call every day if needed

I must say there are many sh-tty circumstances that many of my friends find themselves in. Like, really, really bad ones. Some are going for years.

I often see a friend in a dream-and somehow it's a sign to me they might be calling me. I know dreams get interpreted differently, in a more complex way-but sometimes it's an acute feeling you're needed. The connection.

(this thread reminded me I have to call couple friends.. One, urgently..one, soon)

Introverts....How interesting to see the number of those who describe themselves as introverts. I, too, fall into that category in that my "alone" time is as important as breathing.

Social Interaction...When I am in social situations I find that too often conversation is kept flowing due to interesting topics introduced by me. However, I find it stressful and tiring. (I realize that sounds rather self-congratulatory and pompous but it truly is often the case. I don't dominate conversations by any means but find I'm always searching for conversation starters to have available if no one else chimes in with one. Can others relate?)

I'm told regularly that I am an excellent conversationalist but it is only because I love hearing about other people and learned long ago that, in general, we all love to talk about ourselves. I'm usually mentally fatigued by the end of any social event.

Perceived slights.....I was raised by a narcissistic mother and it took many years and conversations with DH before I learned I was an o.k. person and to not take perceived slights personally (though I'm still working on it). Although I had a sense of humor as a child, I was discouraged from expressing it. I'm much more relaxed in that department now and believe others feel I'm fun to be with.

Friends....We have a neighborhood group of about 20 women which meets monthly. None are close friends but there are some I get together with occasionally and would feel comfortable calling if I ever needed anything. There are a few other semi-close friends who I see regularly but don't feel the need to talk with on a daily or weekly basis. I sometimes wonder if adults ever truly experience the close friendships we had as children and teens. I occasionally see it but not often.

I don't have friends from childhood (other than my brothers, two of whom I consider to be friends). The friends I see most often are people I met when in college (although they are older than me and were not in college then). Those are the folks I call when I want to socialize or want to share an experience. One of them was my MOH and I feel closest to her. Friends made later in life have drifted in and out. I'm still in touch with some but we don't get together regularly.

I've found that many friends whose life circumstances changed ended up becoming ex-friends. Marriage and/or having children made them never available. Or they only talked about their kids. I don't have children and children don't interest me very much. That said, I recently lost a niece who had became one of my good friends. She was 38 when she died but she and I "clicked" even when she was young. I miss her.

My grandmother lived to be 103 and she told me when she was in her nineties that it was "enough". That she'd outlived all her friends. She was a very outgoing person and had plenty of people around her (some of whom she'd known for 30+ years) who I would have thought she'd think of as friends. But all the people who had shared her earlier life experiences were gone. To her those were her real friends. Interesting perspective and it does make me appreciate those friends I have had since my early twenties even more.

I brought up introversion/extroversion because I think that your tendency in this direction can have an impact on the size of the friendship circle that you are comfortable maintaining. Not 100% correlated, of course. And I think there can be a tradeoff between wide and deep. My sister has very few friends but of her friends, I think anyone of them would offer her a kidney. Not so sure about my friends. Definitely not all of them!

I think introverts can have many fine points, but don’t rule us extraverts out either. If nothing else, we can matchmake for you! Jobs, friends, pets or lovers! I’ve done it all. We can break the ice in an awkward party situation and find you new interesting people to talk to using our weapon, the dreaded small talk, to establish trust and common ground.

I would say, it’s never too late to make friends. The easiest ways by far are to share an interest or share proximity. I’ve made some great friends in my neighbourhood just by owning a dog and meeting people at the dog park. If I wanted to make more friends now, I’d go back to my choir or take an art class. I wouldn’t be picky on age, either. I think it’s beneficial to have a wide variety of friends of different ages.

I was thinking about perceived slights. The years of bullying I survived had the blessing of giving me a very thick skin. Somehow I internalized that most people aren’t thinking of you at all most of the time, they’re thinking about themselves and if they give offence it’s probably not on purpose (I think because I was the butt of so many malicious acts, now I have a good sense of what is and isn’t malicious). I don’t know how to cultivate that mindset but I think it contributes a lot to health and happiness if you can do it.

I did not read all the comments, but wanted to say this about the introvert/extrovert thing. I am a definite introvert. I like people but am not one to seek out social experiences. My husband is an extrovert. One day we had an experience that summed up our differences in this. We were walking our dog down a road that split into 2 cul de sac roads. On the left were a group of kids and adults playing basketball and laughing. On the right was nobody. He immediately turned left, while I turned right. He was drawn to the people and I wanted to avoid them at all cost. On that day I did not have the reserves to handle the social contact. On another day it may have been fine.

I really admire people who have many close friends who also are committed and invested in those friendships and also those who are more open to new friendships. I wish I could be that person, but it is not comfortable for me.

This is an interesting topic. I have a number of what I call casual friends, we see each other occasionally but not regularly. Most of these used to be closer friends but family obligations, distance or work have gotten in the way. I have a few close friends, a couple are from my high school days and we are still close, one other is an old roommate and another I met through kid’s sports. Two of my absolute closest friends have passed away from cancer, I miss them terribly. I really would like to add a close friend or two, especially someone who is really into some of the things that my other close friends are not. Miss having someone to enjoy museums, quirky shops and that type of thing with. But finding new friends at 59 especially when you are shy, work remotely and are new to the neighborhood is a difficult proposition. I have joined a small book group, nice ladies but nobody that I am clicking with yet.

The older I get, I feel like I don't want to waste my time on friends that I don't have a strong connection with. I've dwindled down my time with my "girls trip" friends, for instance. Maybe I'm just a little selfish with my time or just getting older and wiser.

Yeonassky, I can relate to some of what you’re going through, as DH and I feel some rejection on behalf of (if it’s possible to feel it on someone else’s behalf) our mildly disabled son. I also worry that our son who may not have the kind of friends i have, who’ve made the good things in life so enjoyable and the misfortunes tolerable.

I’m pathologically shy, but have deep, long friendships. So much so, I’m still friends with my closest friends from each phase of my life, flung all over the world.Two friends from high school (though they both were a couple of years senior to me); three friends from grad school days; and three or four from my current life.

Back when I came to the US for grad school, I used to write and receive loooong letters from my two high school friends. They were (and are) still living in my home country. To this day, they remain among my closest friends and I see them almost every year. Then came my close grad school friends at Ohio State, who I still keep in touch with. One lives in France and I’ve seen her at least a dozen times over the last 15 years. The other two are in the US and we still remain close. Then my current friends who I don’t know what I’d do without. I have no female presence in my family life (mother died young, no sisters and one male child.) My friends have been my sisters (or closer, don’t know, for I have no basis for comparison).

And within my family, through all the ups and downs in my life, my husband and best friend of 30years. And one of my four brothers and I are very close, more like close friends than family. Good thing his wife and I relate in the same way. sometimes I feel I’m so undeservedly fortunate in having these rich, deep relationships that I value above all else in my life.

What a timely conversation for me. Had an interesting interaction with someone whom I consider a close friend. Left me wondering. My Grandmother always told me if you have one true friend in life, you're lucky. Now I believe I understand what she was telling me. Thank you yeonassky for such a thought provoking discussion.

...and patriceny, jojoco is so right. there are good people here who truly care :)

I had a post about a best friend that kind of took a bad turn, but yes, I do have IRL friends, and I do have a best friend that is not my DH. He's one of many threads that make up my life of friends.

Despite having a lot of friends, I also am an introvert-I enjoy being by myself. I have a tendency to come off as cold, or antisocial, but those who are my friends know that it's just how I am, I'm always willing to be there for them when they need me.

I had a best friend growing up but we grew apart once we started dating boys seriously. We have kept in touch over the years however. I've got friends I see frequently and others I don't see as often as I'd like, but when we do get together it's like no time has passed at all.

When my first marriage broke up I had no friends and it was so hard to deal with. My sister, who is a lot younger than I am, helped me out some, but I needed someone who I could relate to to get thru it all. Then I was a single mother trying to raise 3 kids and didn't have time to devote to my friends as I'd have liked.

Once my kids got older-into their teens-I started to branch out and make new friends, not just work friends, but people I'd go spend time with on a Sunday afternoon, or make plans with. My DH was (and still is) my sounding board, but I was so glad to have friends when our marriage hit a really rough spot. I don't think I could have made it though without them!

I purposely sought out friendship one day. Oddly enough, I met a good friend through Craigslist! I was starting a new hobby and put out an ad asking for someone to help me get started and this one gal replied. I took a chance, kind of like going on a blind date! and we met with a group of others who were doing this same activity and we hit it off fabulously.

Since then I seek out opportunities to meet new folks and some morph into good friends. Some become best friends, others just really, really good friends. And it takes effort to keep the friendships thriving. The introvert in me sometimes just wants to clam up and stay housebound, but then I remember how much joy I get from them so I call up a friend and we might just talk, text, instant message or get together and go to a movie. I never regret spending time with my friends.

Unfortunately I'm not super close to my siblings or my mother. I talk with them on occasion, but we're just really different people with different values. I am very close to my kids, and I'd consider them friends-but know they're my children and won't burden them with really personal stuff like I would a friend. But I do love that they still consider me a sounding board and can come to me when they need some motherly advice.

Jojoco (and everyone else) - thank you. So much. This is such a kind little corner of the universe and I'm so glad I found it. :)

Thanks everyone I'm glad people didn't mind going down this path. I think when you're sitting around by yourself a lot you tend to get a little serious and thoughtful. I'm very glad you all are here! When I'm with you so to speak I'm a little bit less introspective as well as introverted. :-). I feel blessed with this group!

I certainly keep hearing that people who have friends go outside themselves and seek out other people.

My sister has done that. She is a member of a walking club and goes to heart-healthy programs and so on due to her disabilities. The problem is she is not friendly enough to say let's go for coffee or tea.

I would be able to ask people out but I still avoid social connections with a level of distrust that I know comes from my childhood. Maybe next year I'll tackle that as my new fear to remove.

I too was bullied and on top of that being verbally abused at home sort of set me up for fear of the unknown with people. I'm self-protective I admit.

Thank you all. You are all very much appreciated.

What an interesting topic. It's something I think about from time to time. I remember when it hit me as an adult that I was in a different place where I didn't have a bunch of girlfriends and was a bit concerned about this void. I met DH in college and we have been each other's best friends for a very long time and for a variety of reasons other friendships drifted off a bit.

I moved after 7th grade so never stayed in touch with childhood friends. I had two close friends in high school only one of whom I have stayed in contact with at all. She is such a Debbie Downer that I don't see her or talk to her much any more. The friends I have now are from college, previous co-workers from my younger days and a couple new friends I've made in my new neighborhoods since I moved in 2015.

I think what happened in my adult life is I got busy with work and travel and made friends at work when I was in lower level positions. I never made many friends in my neighborhood because I was working and traveling all the time plus most people had kids and had a circle of friends they made through their kids. No kids for us so I never made any of those connections. And some of our friends drifted away for 20 or more years as their lives revolved around their children.

Then when I moved into an executive level position in a relatively small company, it limited the circle of potential friends as I'm just not comfortable being so friendly with people at work who aren't colleagues at my level. I currently work with one woman I don't socialize with outside of work but I would if I had more time to initiate something. She still has kids at home and has a demanding job so she's pretty busy as well. I really like her though and we seem to have a lot in common.

I have about 6-7 female friends that live in the same city/state I do and a couple who live in other states. These are people I stay in touch with pretty regularly but I don't do activities with them regularly. Probably because I'm more of an 'I' than an 'E' I find some of these friends a bit draining. Two of them are very outgoing and I can only spend so much time around them before I need a break. I feel like I'm at times a therapist for one friend - so many issues. Two friends from college are the ones I most enjoy being around - fun, well rounded moderate kind of people. I can have nice heart to heart conversations with most of these friends though when the need arises on either side.

Making a couple new friends in my neighborhood has been nice. It's the first time I've lived somewhere that I have a similar lifestyle to my neighbors - close to the same age, no kids or no kids at home, not immersed in grandchildren, etc. My behavior used to be more introverted and shy but I got over that long ago in part due to my work and being around my very 'E' DH. He is a perfect example of someone energized by being around people - the more the merrier. I on the other hand can only take so much of people especially the really outgoing, loud, in your face types and then I have to retreat.

As I think about retirement, I think about things I'd like to do and ways I'd meet new people. I will initiate these things because I do enjoy meeting new people and learning about them. However I rarely meet someone in person that I really hit it off with and think I could be close friends with this person. However I often think how much I like you guys and what great IRL friends you would make.

4Katz said, However, I rarely meet someone in person that I really hit it off with and think I could be close friends with this person.

I envy people who can make friends quickly. We moved here 25 years ago in the middle of the school year. I had to fill out the emergency numbers for my DD's school. I used DH and a friend from my last neighborhood in the city. The office worker looked at the paper and asked: "Don't you have a someone in town?"

I moved in December, and she thought I should already have made a friend that I felt comfortable enough to use as an emergency contact?

Yet......when I have looked around in years following, I have noticed how quickly some women can get connected. It's a skill that I am lacking. It takes me a very long time to establish a friendship.

I have never had a lot of friends. I guess I am somewhat introverted, although I'm fine socializing in a group. I don't go out of my way to socialize.

I have no friends left from my early years. We have one couple who we've been friends with since college. They live a mile away, but got busy with kids over the years. We see them a few times a year, and pick up where we left off. I have a walking buddy whom I see several times a week. We have been friends with him and his wife for nearly 30 years, so I guess if I had to choose, he is my best friend. I consider DH's siblings and their spouses to be great friends, and they are all local.

We have a number of people I would call 'buddies' but not 'friends'. As we've become more active sailors, we've been meeting sailing folks. Those relationships form easily, with a common interest. I may not know a lot about them, but when we see them we can pass a pleasant evening over pizza and beer.

DH is much more social than I am. He can talk to anyone. He also keeps up with a couple of childhood friends on FB (I'm not on FB.) But we both like to come home to the quiet after a while!

I'm going to the movies with my "girls trip" friends today. They are actually the ones that do fun things. I'm in the mood today LOL

eta: We are a group of moms that don't work outside of the home, so I think that is a contributing factor of how we got together back when our kids were in Kindergarten.

I don't know how to answer the question- growing up I always had tons of friends. Even as a young adult and when my kids were younger, I remember always having lots of friends. I remember that in the past, it seemed some friends sought me out more than I sought them out and it even irritated me a bit at times. I felt like I was not a very good friend to some of them. Over the years, people moved, kids grew up, and I found it harder and harder to make new friends or even acquaintances.

The past 10 or so years, I am painfully aware that I barely have any friends. I do have some from way back (high school /college and grade school) that I consider my really close friends. We just moved, and I really am hoping to connect and at least have a social group of women to do stuff with. With my husband, it seems we did have some "couples friends" that we socialized with but it was more his people than mine.

I did make some friends at work, and I do keep in touch with people from previous jobs, but they are not here to go grab coffee with. DH and I are spending more and more time together which is lovely, but I need women friends too.

I have lots of IRL friends, but most couldn’t care less about decorating...so I come here. :-)

I was a military brat. One aspect of that, which everyone understands, is the moving about. Leaving friends, making new ones, lather, rinse repeat. The other aspect that isn’t acknowledged as much is that military kids don’t grow up around extended family. No aunts, uncles, or cousins. Grandparents you see at Christmas and maybe once during the summer. And to top it all off, I was an only child for my first 12.5 years, when my brother came along and began his own odyssey into de facto only childom. All that to say that I have always been comfortable with my own company. I’ve never seen anything wrong with it.

I find Facebook has been helpful in at least allowing me to keep up acquaintance with folks from different patches of my life. Some from high school, a handful from college (true to form, I did 2 years at a jr. college and 2 at a University, never really being in either place long enough to establish real friendships), a few from my longest-tenured workplace as an adult.

My closest friends are two women who lived in the neighborhood where I bought my first home when I was in my 20s. My time with that group of friends was wonderful. We all had so much in common and were working to revitalize an amazing little neighborhood. When I moved out west 4+ years ago I made it a point to actually WORK at maintaining my friendship with these two, and by association another woman who became part of our little group. We have a secret Facebook page where we can say whatever we want without fear of causing permanent family strife over politics. We’re unapologetic smart asses. And we typically try to get together at least once, if not twice a year. It usually involves me getting on a plane, but it’s worth it, even if we only sit on a screened porch, eat BLTs and comment on The State Of Things.

These are the women I imagine growing old with, and they with me. One of our hobbies is scouting locations for a compound where we can all reside in our dotage. We’re not the kind of friends who talk on the phone daily, weekly or even monthly. But we’re good friends.

i haven’t been good about making new friends since I got married 16 years ago. My husband doesn’t really have friends and relies on me for company and entertainment. I do have a couple of girlfriends here who I’ll occasionally have lunch with, but I’d like to do better by them, as well.

Jakabedy said It usually involves me getting on a plane, but it’s worth it .

Two days ago I had lunch with a friend who is always tight for time. DH asked me why I was missing my exercise class. I know in this friend's case, if I am not the one to maneuver, it could be forever when I will see her next.

But, I find this happens in other situations as well. It is all part of trying to stay connected.

Kids have it made. All you need to do is walk up to someone and say - do you want to be friends? (now hold hands and skip away). I actually did this when I was in college. I had never been away from home before, was in an unfamiliar world and didn't know anyone. I felt like a bumpkin in a sophisticated world. Very lonesome. I decided to go talk to another young woman in my dorm who I had spoken to once or twice. She seemed interesting and fun so I knocked on her door and when she opened it I blurted out "do you want to be friends?" (Stunned silence and I thought oh no, what have I done?) Then she laughed and said "Of course! Come on in." We were best friends all through college and for years afterward even though we lived in different states. We eventually drifted apart but we enjoyed all the times we had.

Now I've recently retired and find that I don't have that social interaction and didn't think much about it until I read this thread. I don't see my work buddies now since our common denominator is gone. Don't misunderstand, I'm not lonely and I'm not bored. In fact I'm having the time of my life. But if I can make it even better, why not? Maybe it's time to try the "do you want to be friends" thing again.

Some of these stories have made me think of my mother. She had a group of women, I think there were 5 originally, who met in grade school. They kept in touch their entire lives. Some lived in other states, some were relatively close by. But they saw each other when they could, and kept up with letters and cards.

My mother died at age 77. When she was in the hospital the last time (in NC), she was to the stage of being somewhat aware, but not communicating. One of the lifelong friends, and her husband, drove down from Ohio just to see her before she died. They walked into the room and greeted her, and her face lit up, even though her eyes were closed. I'm certain that the visit from her oldest friend, just a couple of days before she died, had to be one of the last special moments of her life.

@skibby - When my kids were little and I took them to the playground DS1 would go up to other kids and say "Hi, my name is D and this is my little brother S, do you want to play with us?" They invariably said yes.

And at 31 he is still like that - he assumes that everyone will be his friend.

I kept seeing the same woman when I was out for a walk in my general neighborhood. I figured she liked to walk, as I did, probably lived nearby, and she looked about my age. The next time I saw her I approached and said as much and invited her to meeting of my women’s club. I gave her one of my cards (everyone should have cards with their contact info) and put the ball in her court. She called, she ended up joining the club, and we are now good friends doing things together outside of club activities. I took a chance and it’s paid off very well.

On the flip side, I used to see the same woman when we passed on bikes, and I’d say hello or good morning. She never once looked at me or acknowledged me. This was an average width, not busy suburban street. The only way she didn’t hear me is if she had a hearing problem but she could certainly see me, we passed within 3 feet of each other, even if she chose to not look at me. Maybe she heard about a crazy woman in the ‘hood that approached strangers and she was afraid? Hahaha!

Extending a friendly gesture doesn’t always pay off but what do you have to lose if you’re looking to meet new people?

Yes, you are so right you have to take a bit of a risk. I am a bit of a scardy cat in that area, I am sure there are others who have this problem as well. I have always been shy, it has taken me until the last ten years to be able to strike up a conversation with others in a casual setting. That is fairly easy for me now but moving to the next step gives me anxiety, I overthink it. Of course it would help if I actually met someone I was interested in having as a closer friend.