My two are older but we try to FT with them about the same time every week. Early Sunday evening works best for us. Between FT sessions, I send short texts every few days.

When they are busy and you are busy, it is easy to think "we'll just talk tomorrow". Before you know it, two weeks have passed and you haven't had a real conversation. Set times work best for us.

That being said, my youngest blew off our FT for tonight because she was going snorkeling. Fine :)

I think it's totally different if you are talking high school boarding school vs. college. It must be an east coast/class thing because I know of no one around here, regardless of their income who sends their high schoolers away from home for school. There are many who've moved to my community who went to boarding school because they were from wealthy families and grew up in the east, but it's not even a consideration for people here to send their kids away. {Maybe Bill Gates, but I'm not even sure about that).

So when I read your post, I thought, well, maybe once a week, at a set time and maybe as a spontaneous thing other times, but that's for college kids. I can't even imagine what would be "normal" for high schoolers living away from home.

I think you need to go with your gut. I would try for a once a week FT, with a few brief text messages during the week.

After a while you will figure out which day works. What I would probably do is text before you FT. This way your daughter will be sure to be in a place where she can take the call in private if she chooses. Kids are always multitasking and even if you decided on Sunday at 3:00, it's good to give a heads up as a reminder.

ETA: I think you will get more advise from other parents in the boarding school. Do they have a PTA of sorts? Not are sure how this would work as families are probably read out through out the state and possible country.

I have no advice on this subject per se. We decided against sending ours to DH old school- we are in SF- DH went to school in Newport- that is way too far for us to make it a consideration. However, and I am sure you know this, but as a mother I wanted to remind you that it reflects very well on you that your child is not calling home a lot. Mine travel internationally a lor for school related things and it drives me mad how little they call- but alas- I know that is a good thing. I have a friend whose children board in the UK and their children write letters every Sunday (they start boarding at age eight.)

Personally I would set a time once a week. If you leave it up to them they may never call but they will still miss your advice and interaction and catch as catch can could lead to weeks being missed. And I wouldn't restrict myself too much at other times especially as she's settling in like a text once a day to say "hope you're having a great day!" A lunchbox note so to speak. I don't speak to my parents as much as I should and setting a healthy schedule as a habit early on could have helped with that.

High School? Often. When my boys were in college I called them several times a week. I would even sneak down there while they were in class (shared an apt.) and stock their fridge. They had no problem with my calls and I always asked if they were busy and if they were, they'd call me later.

I'm very close to my boys and vice versa, so I couldn't imagine only talking to them once a week.

But high school, and I'm assuming 14 or 15, you need to call more than once a week. You can hear moods in their voices that you can't hear in a text.

A family friend just sent her third, youngest off to boarding school following in his older brothers footsteps. I know she and her husband talk to the boys often. If not daily at least every other day. The school is 2 hours away, one or both parents are at every game barring emergency.

Is this a 14 yo or a 17yo child? Big difference. My high school kids needed to talk to us every single day, and we them, but they were at home. When they went away to college it was every couple days. Now that they're adults, some I still talk to every day, some once a week.

I would ask her what she would suggest for regular FT (or not). Especially if you are close enough that she will be coming home on weekends to do laundry (?) I wouldn't be too worried about it. You probably know folks who went to boarding high school back when there was only the one phone booth in the hallway, yes?

You're the parent and you know your kids. This isn't anyone else's call to make. It's yours.

Like olychick said this must be an east coast thing because here (west coast) no one sends their kids away to school. However, my 2c worth, I'd probably do at least twice a week regardless of texting. You can tell the difference in voice inflection, facial expressions, eye expressions more quickly on twice a week than once a week and get to the root of any problem that might be coming up.

Another west coaster here. Regardless of income, the only kid I knew that went away to school was a troubled girl to an outward-bound type of facility.

I'm with blfenton. Twice a week, and sometimes at unexpected times.

If you're pining with just 1x a week I think more is fine. There's a lot to be said for being a warm concerned and non-smothering parent! I like Oakley's suggestion to just ask if she's busy when you call at non-scheduled times.

My husband's mom is a lot more warm/involved than my parents and I would pattern my parenting more after her given a choice, although it caused a little culture clash when DH and I first started dating as I am naturally very independent. I'll never forget the time we first travelled together and my husband and I planned to get off our cruise ship in the morning (due to sail in the afternoon) for one last look at Venice. Night before a note slipped under our door reminding us to be back in plenty of time for sailaway. We wrote back that we'd be careful. Long story short three worried notes slipped under our cabin door later I told DH to go knock on MIL door and tell her we'd stay aboard so everyone could get some sleep! I was 30 and had been travelling by myself for 12 years.

>>>they barely talked to their parents at all, but . . . actually appreciated their parents<<<

This. I would play it by ear and be flexible. Once a week scheduled is good. I'll add that more scheduling itself sometimes can generate stress for kids and parents -- for example, if someone was supposed to call home at X o'clock but forgot or couldn't call for benign reasons. Or "I can't do Y I am supposed to call my folks then and they'll get upset if I reschedule again." But if she wants to call or FT with you 3x/week (or more), great!

Doesn't everyone text continually these days? Maybe do the scheduled calls and spontaneous texts when you feel the need?

I don't know since our kids are far beyond this age and our grandkids showed no interest in going off to a private school. Although our closest DGD did go to month-long camp until she was around 13 and then was consumed by soccer practice.

You've already mentioned what I was concerned about, and that is that she and her younger sister communicate since it appears from your posts that they are very close.

I have a close friend whose son is serving as a Senate Page this semester. He's been gone a week now and she has talked to him twice. But their phones are switched off at 10:45 pm and he's very busy up until about that time so time for them to talk is limited & she's not expecting this to be the norm. He's very independent (Eagle Scout and been away from home many times), and he says there are some kids who are already very homesick, don't know how to do laundry, etc so he's teaching them. She can, and does, watch him on C-span!

"don't know how to do laundry" - I used to be a dorm advisor at McGill and I had one freshman in my building who didn't do laundry until mid-October, then his mom came to visit and did it all!! Did the same thing at Christmas and Spring break!

MTN, your DD reminds me of my own. She lives a couple of hours away yet we only talk every 2-3 weeks. When we're together, though, she's very affectionate and expresses how much she loves and appreciates us on a regular basis, both written and verbally. She's also always on the run...busy, busy, busy!!....so we let her call us. She's much older than your DD but this has been the case from the moment she left home for college.

DS lives several states away and calls every week and these conversations last at least an hour. He, too, expresses his love and appreciation freely and unsolicited. Phone calls with both kids are supplemented with texts and emails.

They're all different and I'm of the mind to let them take the lead.

Here's another thing to consider. You could risk your closeness with DD by only talking to her once a week. You're the parent here, as much as you trust your DD, don't let her dictate when you can call. Don't call once a week because that's what other parents do.

Call her right now and say, "I lied, I miss you so I'll call when I want." Humor, and she'll get it and not complain when you call. I'm sure just hearing your voice will be comforting.

A little text that simply says "I love you" is always good.

When you get an "I love you" back it's the world!

Its the little things!

Then do a weekly scheduled call.

My daughter went to boarding school at 14 for all four years of high school. She loved every minute of it. We never had a set time to call. She would call when she had a free moment, or something made her think of me. Same with on my side. If she couldn't talk, she would call me back when it worked for her. We texted a lot, and emailed each other too. I'm sure we averaged several times a week on the phone, at least. Most were just quick check in calls.We are still very close, and her first job out of college is working as an admissions officer at a boarding school. Now one of my sons also went to boarding school and we talked far less. But that's kind of how our relationship has been. Just not as chatty as his sister. There is no right answer, and I think the schedule is not really the best idea because so many dorm activities come up that may conflict. You would hate for it to feel like an obligation. Or at least I would. Good luck to your daughter, boarding school is such a fabulous thing.

Though my children dont go to boarding school, they do go away for weeks at a time. I agree with Oakley. Pick up the phone and tell her how you are feeling.

Also, think about other ways to communicate. My Brother in Law has a great relationship with his 4 kids that live in in different states and continents. The have a Facebook Group, the have a Twitter feed, they Snapchat. Use technology. Set something up for you, your DH and your other kids to keep in touch with her.

Mtn, I think I read your DD is 14 years old, and that is still so young to let her dictate when she wants to call, IMO. You are much stronger than I am-I have a 13 year old and time has gone by so fast-I couldn't bear to have him gone that long. I still go in and talk to him each night-about grown up things now, but, it seems that is when he really listens to me most. Sometimes I just listen.

I feel teenagers need to know we are there, even though they "think" they don't want us there-so I would say at least 3-4 times a week! Especially, since she isn't home on the weekends. Like someone said above, just call and she will tell you if its a good time or not, and call later. And, if it doesn't happen, I would make it mandatory times.

But then again, my son is so into sports, even though he makes really good grades, I'm not so sure an ivy league school has even entered his mind LOL! Which is fine with me.

I feel for you. I had one who wanted to go to HS at an arts school. I told her no, my time with her is too short. Now they are all through college. She stared in her HS and college productions and I have never regretted that NO.

We told them if they called us once a week to our land line..so we both could talk..we would not BUG them in their new lives..and the $$ would keep coming.

Now that they are all adults and on their own no money in the mix the habit is SET. I hope it sticks through marriage and kids...time will tell. It is such a new world with cell phones. Back in the day I am going to assume you went away to boarding school and spoke to mom and dad on a PUBLIC PHONE once a week at best? We text/email in between our once a week and if I HAVE TO for some reason will call and they will too but that doesn't move the Sunday evening calls.

I've been missing my DD and she's in high school 4 blocks from my house! She might as well be at boarding school since she's in school all day and at gymnastics for 4 hours every night. I don't know what the right answer is, but I can imagine how you're missing her. One thing I read recently, re college students so take it for what it's worth, is that often kids don't want to talk to their parents in front of their roommates so it's best to find a time to talk when they can be alone.

My DS is now a junior in college and we text a lot but neither of us likes talking on the phone. We are still close but he is better at "sharing" via text.

".... neither of us likes talking on the phone."

That's a big part of why we don't talk with DD on the phone much, none of us likes talking on the phone!! We see her every few weeks, she's very open with us and shares information freely, I don't feel there are any secrets and, really. we just don't need to know what is going on in each others every day lives.

DD is a college senior who will be graduating this December ( she's actually a super senior, going an extra semester to get a double major). We've always been very close, and she calls me at least once every day. Usually more. It's not that she doesn't have any friends there, she has many, many good friends, is involved with a couple on-campus service organizations, and has been a research assistant the entire time. She's also been very active in her sorority. But, she calls me as she walks to classes in the mornings. Anywhere from a 5 to 15 minute chat about anything and everything. On weekends, she calls us as she sits on her front porch eating breakfast. I put her on speaker phone so she can talk to DH & I at the same time. She also calls her dad at his clinic a couple times during the week to chat (usually about OU sports- LOL!), but times those calls during his lunch or after patient hours.

Her big brother, on the other hand, called a couple times a week when he was in college and grad school. He was also a very social guy, but being a guy was not that in to chatting with Mom every day (LOL). Once a week, when he was in the Army and deployed overseas. After he got out, it dropped to once every 3-4 weeks, which was painful for me. Now that he's married, we hear from him every week. Gotta love those great daughters-in-law (LOL)!

I thought I replied to this yesterday but I don't see my response, so I'll add a short version: one of my DD went away for a year of HS. She was always a good student and never in any trouble, so deciding how much to talk to/text her was more about not driving her crazy than wanting to check up on her.

We texted every day, as all of my DDs together and I are in a group text almost every day, and any day I didn't hear from her that way I'd send her a text. Occasionally I would call to hear her voice. DH does not text so he called her more often. She came home once a month and never appeared other than stable and cheerful, so I wasn't worried about her, just happy to chat or text with her.

Another of my DDs went away for college and she is...not always so stable and cheerful, so in her case I try to hear her actual voice more often. We don't have an appointed time, but she's always good about answering.

My son's best friends (twins) went off to boarding school as Freshmen. Their mom called them once a week or so, and went to all of their sporting events. (the school is about 2 hours away from us) The boys also had their older sister at the school, so I think that helped. My sophomore in college is in Indiana (I'm in MA), and I usually text him a couple times a day to check in. I don't get much info, but try to stay connected. He's having a bit of a hard time right now, so I will try to get a voice call in a little more often.

When the twins went away they kept telling me how hard it was that their mom kept crying the week before. On the last day when they came to say goodbye to DS, I gave both of them a hug and went to the beach and cried my face off. They practically lived here in the Summers back then. They loved their school, and are off at a good college together.

You know, I just can't imagine making appointments to talk to my children. It's the easy give and take, the hands-on parenting, that keep relationships close. I know there are different styles, different needs, but most children need their parents a lot. Even those children who don't realize it need their parents.

So far we've sent three kids to boarding school (on track for a fourth in a few years), but waited until junior year, age 16. We heard from our daughter several times per week, but almost never from the boys. We didn't have a scheduled chat time. I tried to let them lead, but called them on occasion when I really needed to hear their voices. I think I would have been more proactive if they had gone away at age 14. I hope you weather this transition well - I don't think it's easy for a parent!

Boarding school is very common in New England. I think you have gotten some excellent advice about trying to share stories with other parents at the school if the opportunity presents itself. At orientation what did the school suggest? I remember struggling with this issue when our children were in college. We decided to let them reach out first, and then we took it from there. I teach high school (public day school-juniors and seniors) and my students are quite varied in the relationships with their parent(s)/guardians. I ask their permission to share grades/Google Classroom, etc. because I want them to have a level of control, but if the need arises, they know I will contact a parent immediately. Let her spread her wings, knowing that you are there if she needs you.

fouramblues, was it difficult for your kids to leave their friends at 16 and go away to school?

They didn't leave most of their friends, because all the kids in each of their grades went to the same boarding school! Kind of an unusual circumstance: tiny school in Maryland (0-5 kids in each grade) ends after sophomore year, and has a sister school outside Philly. DH and I both went to that school in PA and loved it, he as a boarder, me as a "townie".

You know, mtn, this is what happens when you raise children to be strong and independent. They go ahead and leave you. ;)

Naturally it's emotionally tough at first, even though we recognize on an intellectual level the value of the opportunity.

My advice would be to keep a copy of her schedule and make yourself available when she is. I tried not to schedule anything during times I knew my kids were walking to class or to an activity, or had free time. I agree that it's better to speak with them when they have some privacy. There was typically a time a few days per week when their schedules diverged from their classmates' and I got to "walk" with them. That time changed every semester, and I was always happy to accommodate their schedules. So I guess in that regard, yes, I did "schedule" a time, but it was very organic and driven by their calendars.

Her class/roommates will be receiving care packages, so even though you are nearby, it's always fun to get mail.

I just wanted to pop in again to say how I envy your DD! I've always wanted to go to boarding school. I know two women who went and they're both refined and very successful.

Right now you're going through Empty Nest Syndrome, which generally starts when kids go to college. When we came home from taking DS1 to college I just stood in the kitchen, feeling lost. Because his girlfriend lived in our town, he came home the first weekend, and I ran out to greet him when he pulled up, and I just bawled like a baby. Know what he did? He hugged me tightly and said, "It's okay mom, I'm here now." Awwww.

It gets better. Especially when they build a house next door to you. ;)

Yes, Mtn, those wonderful, talented adults will nurture your wonderful, talented daughter. And you might feel a little jealous about that, while feeling grateful at the same time. I know I did. :(

Mtn - not a reflection on your DD with my laundry story, just a response to something upthread :)

I went to boarding school in the UK and my parents lived in the US. Kids and parents today have it much easier with email, skype, texting and CHEAP phones calls.

We were only able to communicate through hand written letters and a scheduled phone call by the school once a month. Long distance international calls used to be very expensive. I was lucky that once I was older and had off campus privileges, I was able to call my parents weekly from a public phone and luckier that Dad had a job that covered his long distance phone bills, so we called collect for free.

Can you imagine a younger person today having to wait 2-3 weeks to get an answer to a question or discuss something important with a parent!

Mtn, enjoy the additonal opportunities that current technology allows to keep in touch with your kids.

It sounds like you have alot of good suggestions and ideas here. I'm sure you and she will find your "new routine" with a bit of time and all will work out. A bit of an adjustment. Wishing her a great experience at her new school!

Since this is the *first* child, as well as the *first* year, whatever is comfortable for *you*, as your very independent DD may not convey she misses you(and she will!). The two of you can come to an agreement on days/times, and maybe eventually scale down on those as the two of you become more comfortable with less needed talking time.

I think you both should call as need be. If she misses you she will know she can call and if you miss her you should send a quick hello too. No need to be too ridged with a schedule, the only rule might be not to call/ text during class hours just as if she were at a day school. I, as an adult still sometimes receive and send daily messages and calls to and from my parents. There is no right or wrong number with unconditional love.

R - Just like in day schools, (at least the ones I know), kids cannot bring phones into the classroom. So that's not a concern.