First off, my #1 thought is that you be true to yourself. You're not a horrible person so it seems as if you will need a next step.

It seems to me that this issue should ONLY be between you and the cousin. If I were in your shoes, I would either hand write and mail a note to the cousin, offering to do things to help her out, or I would phone cousin with the same offer. I WOULD NOT try and pass messages to/through others in hopes that they get to her...as you intend them to be communicated. I believe you are inviting continued trouble by inviting others into the situation. You know the old kids game of telephone and how things get twisted passing through multiple sets of ears....the same thing will happen here with editorial comments being added.

I would not include DH in the offer. I would not mention any of the past issues to cousin. I would make the offer of help from you to cousin - that's all.

At that point, it's up to cousin to reach out. At that point, you have to quit obsessing and let it go. And, yes, I do think you are obsessing at least a little:)

I'll second Patser's suggestion to send her a note and avoid including other family members. I'm not sure I'd call her but instead send a simple heartfelt note offering to help and letting her know that you're concerned.

Unfortunately the individuals who are telling you about her 'snide comments' are not doing you a favor. I wonder if they're trying to makes things worse.

By any chance is she on the same side of the family as the BIL who stayed with you? I was wondering what he was doing now.

I'm a third on the advice to send her your positive thoughts, but I'll add that I suggest you do that *once*, then let it all alone.

Something I read recently has resonated strongly with me: "99% of the time, remember it's not about you." In this case it may well be that there will be a family circling of wagons and your husband will be inside, you out. If so please just let it go...facing a health crisis the family will be in full on protective mode (as they should be). Rightly or wrongly your feud shouldn't be part of anything that the cousin is dealing with. And rightly or wrongly, you putting yourself back into the mix even to try to send a nice message may just bring it all back to the surface. Again, this isn't about you. It's about them, their crisis and how they deal with it.

As long as you are at peace with yourself maybe the path of grace is to just stay out of all of it. That includes not creating stress for your husband if he is contacted or if they reach out to pull him into their family communications. Knowing you are the bigger person will make a difference for him at least, and another bonding point for both of you in the long run.

Good luck and peace to you and all of your family,
Ann

I have nothing to add because the advice above is spot-on in my opinion. Send a hand-written card not mentioning the past and stop there.

You've got to just leave all the hate and the people that hold that hate.....embrace your own life...embrace the positive....go on and leave all this behind you.

Ok a little different point of view, which I just obtained by reading your question to my best friend who has leukemia.

Leave it alone. She said that a couple of people with whom she had disagreements (she has a pain in the arse family) called or wrote as soon as the gossip mill got her diagnosis in the rounds. Her words "I never thought I was dying til aunt x called to say she was there for me". The fact that she has leukemia should not be relative to your actions. If you were in the wrong, apologize at a later date. If she was in the wrong, let her do so. You can express your caring for her to others (if it's real) but to my best friend, nothing says "you're going to die" more so than people saying things they wouldn't have to give THEM peace of mind because you have received this terrible diagnosis.

Don't treat her differently than you would have before you got this news. It's not about you....and doing so would likely not be a positive thing for her at this point.

Pesky; this issue is so very close to me; especially now as my dad will be gone 5 years from Leukemia on Sunday. When he was diagnosed; there was one daughter that hadn't spoken to him in 10 years over something trivial; him not closing his business to go to her sons communion. I couldn't make it either due to my bathroom floor falling apart unexpectedly & not having water in the house; we didn't speak about 4 years.

Anyway, when he was diagnosed, he hoped she'd forgive & forget because he was terminal; but there were days he changed his mind & didn't want the cancer to be the reason she spoke to him again. The only way we got her to the hospital was because the oldest kind of conned her into bringing my nephew to see his grandpa. That broke the ice but didn't heal anything. My dad tried calling; emailing but no reply. He then had a change of heart after reaching out & decided he was done.

At one point; she was asked to be tested for stem cells & refused- they didn't want me because they'd have to do a lot of work to clean mine due to medications I'm on- I was tested anyway; they rejected me because of high sugar & something with my liver which turned out to be nothing.

Anyway, word of his will got to her; she wrote him a nasty letter via email & Christmas card & it sent him into a depression. Eventually she came around a few weeks before he passed.

Next; my hub being diagnosed with cancer; there's one person in his life that my hub is sad that hasn't reached out; especially under the circumstances with not knowing if/when it will rear it's ugly head again. He has the type that usually comes back.

I side tracked here.. but I gave 2 different circumstances- one terminal & one up in the air; one wanting the rift to just go away & the other not caring.

Politics & religion are 2 touchy things for some people. I personally try not to let anyone know how I feel about anything because it just causes problems & it's stupid. I have a FB friend who's family isn't speaking to her over religion. She just posted about it the other day; between all of the posts lately; it's bringing a lot to the surface with my dad. She just had a death in her family; which led her to post.. My opinion is that the issues will still be there unless everyone can agree to disagree & agree that everyone has a right to have their own opinion; even if its different.

In your case is she the type of person to say "F" you; you're only contacting me because I may have cancer? If so, it may cause even more problems in the family; then again, if you don't send some sort of card/flowers/phone call will they see you as a heartless b!tch? Every situation is different, depending on the dynamics of the relationship; so only you know what you should or should not do.

Thanks for your message Igloo. I have sent a message to her Aunt ( one who speaks to me) that we love & support cousin & her family and that is all I will do at this point.

I'm pretty much in a no win situation anyway! The cousin has some really nasty things posted on her FB page about people who have similar POV as me, and her very public blasting of me on FB (an email) drew in a lot of the family. The sadder thing is that she also cut out some long time friends of hers that expressed opinions like mine. There were family members who sided with her, and those that didn't just stayed out of it.

Last night when I posted a note to the Aunt I made a benign comment about strength. Another cousin immediately jumped on my comment saying I'd twisted some biblical quote (I don't KNOW any scriptures!) and started in with the name calling again. That really hurt and made me angry too, that I can't even show compassion without being attacked.

I guess I haven't put it behind me like I thought I had. But I will let it go now. I realize it IS a no-win situation for me, so I'll just stay out of it all together.

If it were me, I'd first take a look at what I could do to help DH feel okay in his relationship with the sick cousin, particularly if they have been close. What might I be able to do to help him feel "whole and complete" in the face of icky family dynamics? If that path allowed me to stay true to myself, then that's what I would do. Otherwise, I would try to find the middle ground, where I could at least partially support him yet not feel I'd compromised my own self-worth.

For me, it is about the delicate dance between being a supportive partner and recognizing and honoring my own needs. I try to keep everyone else's needs way down on the priority list. In the face of dysfunctional family and friends, I am not here to take care of anyone but my immediate family or very close loved ones.

Hmmm. I am glad you reached out because regardless of not agreeing on issues you wish her well.

My situation is similar. My bro and I had a falling out almost 5yrs ago. He continued to do hurtful things to several other family members so it was not just me and him having issues. So when I got diagnosed with breast cancer I sent him a note letting him know, telling him I would be ok. I told him he could email me if he had any questions. Shortly after that he sends me this "love" letter telling me how wonderful I am and how he misses me, blah, blah, blah. He has made no further contact with me since, and that was probably last March that he sent the letter. So end of summer I get an annonymous letter. It is a printout of my dd's myspace, well only her pic and comment of the day because her account is private. She used a profanity to explain how hot it was. The bad word was highlited. It was mailed locally, he was visiting our town that day. It was addressed using an old town and zip code. He is the only person who still sends me stuff using that old info. It had to be him. So I sent him an email asking if he sent me anything in the mail lately and why I thought it was from him. He never replied. He continues to do some very hurtful things to various family members.

Do I want him contacting me? At this point, no. He should have reached out to me and other family members long before my diagnosis. As in your cousin's situation, I think it was nice of him to at least reach out to say he was thinking of me just as you did with her. But he acted like he wanted to see me again and fix things. That hurts me more than my cancer ever could.

So I think you did the right thing. I also think you need to let the rest be. And let the others swarm and be horrid, don't feed them anything else to chew on. You are a good person.

Pesky....first...I hope she's not the Christian in this argument because she seems to have missed a few key sermons!

You have done the right thing. Now go on about your life and stay on the high road you are traveling. In the end that's all you can do.

To me, these are people I would completely remove from my life. To say something mean and hurtful in the heat of the moment is one thing and I would not hold against someone. But to continually keep up with the hurtful talk speaks to one's character. Your DH's family sounds like a bunch of horrible people and I would remove them from my life and no amount of pain or sickness they were enduring would change how I felt.

This is what I meant in the other thread about forgiveness. I just couldn't.

Many of us have toxic people in our lives either in our families, casual aquaintances and even friends can be toxic.

To completely remove these people from your life is not what I would suggest as they are your DH's family, no?

Just keep your distance and support your DH. Go about your life, hold your head high and don't ever allow yourself to be drawn into the drama.

You know, it really does seem odd to me that this stuff is being posted on FB. Does anyone in the family just talk, plain and simple. I swear FB is going to be the downfall of many families, marriages, friendships, etc. Don't get me wrong, I too have a FB account. Mine is much more about staying in touch with friends and family who do not live close by, sharing pics of kids and vacations, the occasional youtube video someone finds funny. I just don't understand anyone putting such personal stuff on FB which really can be hacked into by anyone.