Is courtesy/etiquette out-dated?

12 years ago

I don't post much, but I need some input please.

I emailed my friend Joan & asked if she wanted to meet for lunch at a nearby restaurant--she's in her late 60s. We always go dutch treat. She emails me back and says she asked Maude to come along, and hopes that's okay.

If Joan had NOT already asked Maude, I would have responded and said "I just wanted it to be the two of us gals this time, but let's plan another lunch for the 3 of us."

I never got that chance because Joan already invited Maude.

To me, it was rude of Joan to invite Maude, because the invitation came from me to Joan, and didn't include anyone else. If I wanted to include Maude, I would have done so and mentioned it to Joan in my initial email.

We'll all go to lunch and have a nice time, but this bugs me anyway.

Is etiquette a thing of the past? Wouldn't you think a person in their late 60s would have grown up with the courtesy that was usually common in that generation (unlike Gen Entitled)?

Am I way off base here? It seems, one way or another, at any given time, people always want to bring someone, whether to lunch, a dinner party, wedding, or whatever, and ask "Is it okay to bring my xxxx" or "I invited my xxxx-hope that's okay!"

Peanut

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

mitchdesj
12 years ago
I understand you being put off by this, she definitely should have checked with you before asking.
She assumed you would be ok with it, or she simply did not think twice.

I think it's more common sense and courtesy as opposed to a true etiquette rule, and some people just are not wired that way.

We have friends we used to see only once a year before Xmas for a dinner the 4 of us, it was a tradition: "Liz" brought along her sister to our dinner one year and her sister dominated the whole dinner conversation, "Liz" apologized afterwards, and said she had the feeling we did not spend quality time together.
cloudy_christine
12 years ago
I can understand that this is a bit annoying, and I'd probably feel that too. But it is completely different from bringing someone to a wedding or a dinner party.
You and your friend always pay for your own meals, so when you suggest going out to lunch, you are not really inviting her in the sense of being the hostess. It's more understandable that she feels free to include someone else, even though you would prefer just to see her. It's a minor error compared to the mortal sin of bringing an uninvited guest to a wedding, or to your home.
Related Discussions
Have graciousness and courtesy gone out of style? (kinda long)
Q
Comments (11)
Yes, situations as have experienced happen all the time, with friends, relatives, coworkers, and recently in various internet forums. People can be inconsiderate, nasty and mean. You do get the feeling that graciousness and courtesy have gone out of style. When that happens to me, while it annoys me to no end because I am only human, but still I try to look at things this way: When stressful situations as you have described happen, it could be: Your friend might not be socially cultured in just that one aspect of behavior, but otherwise completely normal, or your friend could be an inconsiderate SOB on purpose in all manners. You will have to the only one to make a decision to cultivate your friendship further or not, because there are so many other factors in friendship maintenance. However, not to disagree with you, it can also be a matter of perception. I remember in General Psychology 101, there was a topic, which I canÃ¢ÂÂt remember the technical name for. If you are waiting for a bus on a two ways street which also has a bus stop going the other way. You will always feel that there are always more buses coming from the opposite direction. As humans, we seem to remember adversity more than good times. Off-topic?: There is a couple, good friends, who I try not to invite to my parties. Each time they come, they would come with may be a variety of 7, 8, or a doz. bottles of very expensive wines. That always turns my parties into more of a wine tasting theme party. dcarch
...See More
Proper Etiquette to Tip GC?
Q
Comments (15)
Timely thread! My kitchen is winding to a close and I've been wondering the same thing. I hired a kitchen company to do my remodel and one man (been calling him my GC) has been doing most of the work. He's been here everyday and has been fabulous. Makes me feel like he's working on his own kitchen. Takes time to do things the right way and actually cares. The whole company has been really great but he is a total standout. I want to do something really nice for him but have been trying to figure out what would be best. Want to do something really nice but not overboard but not too small. How do you find that balance? Love the idea of including a letter that he can use for recommendations in the future. I'll definitley do that. Lots and lots of GC horror stories out there but there are also a lot of people out there who do care about doing quality work.
...See More
What's the etiquette for contacting subs after the fact?
Q
Comments (35)
-"I demand you show me the respect I deserve." -"I don't owe you any respect, you have to earn my respect and you haven't earned it." -"I said I love you and now you have to say it back to me." -"I don't have to say it unless I mean it, and right now I don't mean it." -"Hey, this is my friend Suzy. Let's all three of us go out to lunch today." -"What do you mean that you and Suzy are going to the spa. I introduced you to her and that means you can't have a relationship with her unless I'm there also." -"I'm a GC and any subtrade I introduce to you belongs to me forevermore." -"If you want loyalty from your subtrades then hire them as employees. You don't own them and you don't control their, or my, personal interactions." Wanting to control people is a natural impulse for many. Wanting something doesn't make it correct to want it. If a GC wants loyalty from a subtrade the best way to do that is to take on the risk of guaranteeing him work, either as an employee where the GC is now making the trade of a steady paycheck in exchange for loyalty or by sending so much business to the subtrade that any competing offers that the subtrade receives won't be attractive. If the GC can't fulfill his end of the transactions, it's petty to display this type of possessiveness.
...See More
Quote Etiquette
Q
Comments (8)
In this case it was price that was the deciding factor because everything else was equal. Should I mention that the other bid was significantly lower? I had an electrician that I like and have used extensively in the past, but he was too busy and would not commit as to when he would be available. He said it could be May or longer. I didn't want to wait that long. But just two hours ago he wrote and said he could now do the project in early April (the same availability of the other two). I told one of the two that I mentioned in my original query above that I was accepting their quote. I gave my regular guy two weeks to respond and when he didn't, I felt like I had to find an alternative. It would be cheapest to go with my regular firm but don't want them to flake on me. Now I really feel torn.
...See More
colleenoz
12 years ago
I tend to agree with Cloudy Christine, especially if Maude is a mutual friend. Next time, why don't you email Joan along the lines of, "It's been a while since we had some "quality time" together, would you like to meet for lunch on ---------? I'd really like to be just the two of us, would be great to catch up on everything."
rob333 (zone 7b)
12 years ago
Gen Entitled? sounds kinda judgmental!

I would never think twice and fully accept if a friend invited someone along. Even if I hardly see that friend. I assume my friends know me well enough to know if we all will get along. Any friend of __________ is a friend of mine. I would have done it opposite as suggested here. I would've accepted and enjoyed the lunch. When it was over I might say, later on, that was great! but when do I get to see you all to myself, and not in Maude's presence. But that's just a suggestion.
annie1992
12 years ago
Well, I'm in my late 50s and like Rob, I wouldn't think twice if someone else came along with a friend to a casual lunch where everyone pays their own tab.

If I did want to see a friend by themselves, I'd probably say that when making arrangements and not expect my friends to just know it.

I will add that I'm from a very rural Northern Michigan area and we tend to be very laid back and casual. Local farm families (both men and women, sometimes the teenagers or children come along) congregate at restaurants or cafes regularly and who ever shows up is welcome. Groups can be two or twenty and no one ever really knows but anyone is welcome, including newcomers who no one knows. That makes "lunch with a friend" an unknown, no one thinks anything about a friend or acquaintance pulling up a chair, even if it starts out with two.

Annie
colleenoz
12 years ago
Of course, the irony in this is that the OP has not come back to acknowledge any replies....
annie1992
12 years ago
Yes, Colleen, I was kind of thinking the same thing. (grin)

Annie
Lars
12 years ago
This sounds like something from the entertaining forum, and I don't go there any more, as they are obsessed about whether one can wear shoes inside or not, and there seem to be definite geographical prejudices on that issue.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand - I'm a bit in the "anyone who is a friend of ______ is a friend of mine" camp, and I am also in my 60s, but not late 60s! I do think it is better to ask first, however, but I also trust the judgment of my friends not to include someone who would be offensive to me.

OTOH, Maartje once got upset when I invited her over for a dinner party and she found out that there were other guests beside her and Jimmy. She got over it very quickly because she got along extremely well with my other friends.

Lars
vacuumfreak
12 years ago
If Maude is anything like Bea Arthur, I say the more the merrier!

If not, then maybe I'm old fashioned, because a situation like that would annoy me too... I'd never do something like that, and wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it either....

Hopefully the OP will come back, they checked to have e-mail replies sent to them... if not, this may be good for someone else dealing with the same thing.

Is courtesy/etiquette out-dated?

Comments (9)

mitchdesj

cloudy_christine

Related Discussions

colleenoz

rob333 (zone 7b)

annie1992

colleenoz

annie1992

Lars

vacuumfreak

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US