When there are the amount of donations from people who do not know one another that Gofundme generates, it does not surprise me thank yous are not a part of this phenom. Family who know you gave, and did not say thank you-- sorry, I do not comprehend the lack of gratitude expressed. However, I would never give to someone I knew through this sort of page. I have seen needs and then given directly so I know ALL my donation goes to the need.

As an aside, Oakley, I was also expected to ask to be excused from the dinner table when I was growing up. Did it until I was college age. May even gave gone beyond that. Thank you notes were de rigeur and could not be formulaic as in "thank you for the gift. I really like it." I learned how to write a charming and personal note.

On subject, I hear you and like others, I am trying not to be judgmental about those who do not thank us. In your examples which are amazingly dreadful situations, I would probably cut them some slack and figure that the seriousness of their health situations took priority and the thank yous were overlooked.

We had to say “thank you for the lovely meal, may I be excused?”

We always had to ask to be excused from the table, too. I wonder if anyone still does that. I can’t even remember if my kids were taught to do that although I know they weren’t allowed to jump up and leave whenever they wanted.

I did one of those birthday fundraisers on Facebook for my birthday and raised $300 for my library. I sent each donor a private message thanking them. I don’t have most of their addresses.

Our social circle and families are small, so we don't have many occasions to send gifts, but when we do, I either enclose a note with the gift or send an email to the effect of "We hope you enjoy the gift, no thank you note necessary!". Though I do send them, rarely, as we don't exchange gifts with adult family members, just the under 18 set, I think they are pointless and from a bygone era. Mostly I just hope the person finds our gift useful and if they hate it, donate it to someone who will use it (I rarely send money, I send things from local artisans, even if they hate it and donate, at least the artist got paid).

We also had to ask to be excused, but we certainly didn't make our daughter do that, again, from a bygone era IMO.

So few families even eat meals together at an actual TABLE these days, it seems, that I'm not at all surprised "May I be excused?" has gone by the wayside. While my family did have set mealtimes around the table when I was a kid, I don't recall having to be asked to be excused. I DO, however, recall a number of times I was a brat and refused to eat the meal my mom had made, with her saying, "You're gonna sit there and eat that, or I'm going to RUB it on you." ;-D

In moments of despair at the loss of a child a thank you may be impossible. That despair last a very long time. Often parents are emotionally and physically unable to acknowledge anything for long periods of time, sometimes never. On the surface they seem to be coping, going on with their lives. In reality they are walking ghosts.

People in life and death situations such as cancer may or may not be functioning. They too are grieving a loss. A loss of self and health.

Grief and trauma are weird and everyone reacts differently.

It is painful to not be thanked or acknowledged, but it doesn't mean that the recipient isn't grateful. Maybe they just can't.

We (my parents with 7 children) never had to ask to be excused from the table and we all turned out just fine.

My own children never had to ask either, and turned out fine too.

I remember my own kids (now in mid-late 30s) saying they didn't know any families besides ours that ate dinner together at the table. I was floored at the time. I have vague memories of hearing May I Be Excused but I really don't remember if it was strictly enforced in either my family of birth or with my kids.

And to hcbm, that is so true and "People can only do, what they can do, when they are able to do it" packs a lot of meaning into a fairly simple phrase.

Grief does play out unbelievably different for each person. I came to know that some widows/widowers are actually offended by sympathy cards! While I treasured every one received ( and really wanted to write a thank you for them-haha) I met several folks who felt quite the opposite. Some threw them away unopened, some got pissed off at the phrases meant to be consoling. You never know what is going on in someone's mind.

I don't feel good manners are ever "pointless". I believe grace and appreciation and politeness are always, always lovely traits to have.

If the recipient of a gift is "unable" to acknowledge the gift, then surely they can ask someone to do it for them. It seems that GFM accounts are often set up by friends or family so I would think they would take it upon themselves to acknowledge the gifts if the recipient is unable to. Personally, it would never occur to me not to acknowledge a gift/donation. If I were unable to acknowledge it, I wouldn't allow an account to be set up in my name.

Our kids said the same thing about not knowing many families who ate dinner together. DD even referred to our evening meals in a speech for a college class.

Lynn, best wishes to your niece. I hope she has an excellent prognosis and makes a full recovery.

Sending a gift for a joyous occasion like a graduation, birthday or wedding should have different “rules” for Thank Yous, then the sad times.

I know when I give towards a situation that is sad, I do so wishing I could do more. I would never expect the people in distress to have to take the time to write a thank you.

I think it's sometimes impossible to imagine what a crisis does to someone, no matter how well mannered they usually are, or want to be. We can say it would never occur to us to not acknowledge a gift or kindness, but until we've been there and experience that sometimes the only thing that occurs to us is putting one foot in front of another (if we are even able to do that).

I never give to GFM (or anyone for that matter) with any expectations or strings attached. Expecting something in return really diminishes any act of kindness in my eyes - and it's a string attached.

Trust me, I can only imagine the grief these women are going through and I am cutting them lots of slack. Just a bit ago I heard from my friend who lost her husband and she was very grateful for the money. When I donate the thought of receiving a thank you isn't on my mind. I just want to relieve the financial pain.

Maddie, the point of saying I had to ask to be excused was an example of the depth of manners my parents taught us. The only time I wasn't excused was when mom served liver. Egads. I had to sit there until it was all gone while everybody else was off doing their thing. Except my sweet Dolly, our Dachshund, sat on her hind legs under the table thoroughly enjoying my liver. Mom was pleased I ate it all. Thank God they didn't make us dip cornbread in buttermilk! lol

I have another etiquette question and I don't want to start a new topic. But first, let me know if I told this story before because I'm now at the age where I don't remember what I said five minutes ago. :)

After this past Christmas, did I tell the story of not receiving a gift from a serious girlfriend of DS1? No lectures please, it's all about etiquette. I love to give at Christmas.

Last December, our best friend's son married. I gave them a shower gift, and received a handwritten thank-you in the mail. They had a destination wedding so there were no gifts at the time, but after they had been back for a couple of weeks I ordered a gift off of their list on Amazon and had it shipped to them. After about 30 days with no acknowledgement of any sort, I was concerned that porch pirates may have taken the package. I asked my friend to inquire to see if they have received it, not that I was fishing for a formal thank you. I wanted to know if they received it. She confirmed that they did receive it, at which time I expected to hear some sort of communication from them. A text or call, an email, something. To this day I have still not had any acknowledgement of that wedding gift.

And I was also in the "may I be excused" club.

A much liked former employee solicited donations ($, gift cards) in FB for her adult daughter who was struggling with a “misbehaving” husband and several children with medical problems. In a PM I asked the friend for daughter’s address which she immediately provided and thanked me then for my help. I don’t know the daughter and expected no other acknowledgement than my friend’s.

I realize I am entering the territory of curmudgeons; however, why is it okay for me to use my funds—funds I could use to travel, upgrade my home, treat my son, daughter, or grandkids, or a million other things I could spend money on—to provide a gift of money or item to someone who cannot be bothered to send a quick text or email of acknowledgement? I recently sent a $100 gift card to the baby shower of the daughter of a dear friend who never thanked me for my very generous wedding gift. i also never received a thank you from my nephew and his wife for their wedding gift, or their baby showers, including an expensive post-birth personalized blanket my brother told me “she absolutely loved” ( I had to check with him to make sure they got it). This same woman now requests personalized cookies for each child’s birthday, which I do, but do not buy an additional gift. I continue to do these things because their parents are important to me, but, for others, no acknowledgement for a gift means no future gifts.

Delilah, I think in your situation it's fine since you're a stranger to the daughter, and her mom thanked you.

Aok, that's happened to me before and it's definitely rude.

Here's my new etiquette question. DS1 has had a serious girlfriend for over a year now. We've been around them quite a bit and spent TG and Christmas with them at DS's house. When Christmas came around I'd known her for about 7 months. They were serious at Christmas also.

She's a Christian and celebrates Christmas. Our family is small so there's not a lot of people to buy for. I spent two weeks searching for a nice gift for her. Nothing extravagant though.

The girlfriend has a high paying job and money isn't the issue. To prove my mind wasn't on receiving, it was a few hours after I got home when I realized she didn't give me a gift. She gave DS & his children gifts, and DH and myself were the only other adults there. A candy bar would have tickled me silly!

I've raised only boys and I can tell you their serious girlfriends would go overboard giving me a Christmas gift. My favorite was when a box of caramel apples arrived one day. lol. Women wanting to impress their boyfriend's mom is the norm, if it's a serious relationship.

I don't dwell on it but it still bugs me. Lack of manners or is it the norm in your neck of the woods?

Maybe she felt awkward about gifts for the potential "future-in-laws" too early in the relationship. Perhaps she didn't know the gift exchange would happen when you were there but when she was alone with her boyfriend and his kids and thought a gift for you was presumptuous. Perhaps she just didn't think of it and still feels bad about excluding you, especially since you gave her a gift.

Since your first question includes a (perceived) slight that was TEN years ago, it might be helpful to you to try to figure out how to lower your expectations of others and let things go. Forgive. Forget. Continue to be your kind and generous self without needing others to meet your expectations.

I prefer to be anonymous when donating to a cause....I like to be invisible and an acknowledgement would make me uncomfortable. Especially in the case of a donation.

Just don't get me started on the lack of thank you's for gifts.

It would not have crossed my mind to give my DH's parent(s) a Christmas gift when we were dating. It would have felt presumptous on my part to do so, I think. Families have all sorts of different gift-giving dynamics. I don't think there should be any expectation placed on a newcomer. Heck, even now, my DH chooses the gifts we jointly give to his parents. I don't do it.

I'm like Penny. Rarely do I/we let it be known when a donation is made. There are so many explanations for why you didn't receive a thank-you. I think it is time to just let it go. Be content in knowing that you did something to help.

Oly, the reason I brought up the ten year old donation was because 1) it was for my brother and his wife to be by their son, 2) it was a significant amount of money, and 3) my SIL, mother of my nephew, was also in a serious car accident a few years ago to which I also donated a significant amount of money with no acknowledgment, and she's perfectly healed.

I had one sibling, and he nor his wife could give a thank you? That was twice my SIL didn't say anything. So yeah, it bothers me, but please know I don't dwell on it & I only brought it up because recently we've given several donations in a short period of time.

A few months ago SIL's family suffered another loss and I didn't donate for the reason Dee mentioned above.

Ida, the girlfriend knew we'd be exchanging gifts. Remember "It's the thought that counts?" Well, there was no thought in it. lol I've always received a gift from the girls in my son's lives at Christmas, providing they'd been dating for a long time. Spending Christmas with your possible MIL, whether she knew me or not and not giving a little something, I consider it bad manners. There's that manners thing again!

Penny, I consider a donation as a gift. If I donated anonymously I wouldn't expect a thank you.

About not using anonymous in my donations. I have before but these people are in my life. I want them to know I care. It's as simple as that.

I cannot imagine visiting anyone, particularly someone as potentially important in my life as the family of my boyfriend, empty-handed. I mean, hello, a hostess gift if nothing else! If I had been her, upon realizing there was a gift exchange and I had a brain freeze & didn’t bring gifts, I would have had something really nice sent to the family as a thank you for graciously hosting me. Of course people screw up, but handling it in a charming manner rather than just praying everyone forgets your gaffe is a more mature way of handling the situation.

And yes, no need to jump in all indignant that expecting reciprocity takes away the point of giving a gift...like it or not, there are societal norms. And the whole point of these norms and dare I say manners is to provide a framework for making others feel comfortable in social situations. Of course you extend grace to people who mess up, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t value in living in a society with customs and norms. I am really grateful that I live in an area that places an importance on these things.

And regarding anonymous donations...human nature being what it is...the reason I don’t choose the “anonymous” option is because I want people to know I support certain causes or people. Sometimes, seeing that your friends, neighbors, co-workers have chosen to donate prompts people to think, “hey, all of these folks whose opinions I value donated, maybe I will, too.” If it helps raise more money, I’m all in.

The kicker is, though, that societal norms are not the same for everyone. Oh, we may think they are or should be, but that doesn't make it so. Even among those whose demographics align, there will always be familial, individual, and experiential differences that translate to ways of doing and being that are not the same. I think we simply have to make peace with that and determine to stop taking offense where absolutely none was likely intended. Life is SO freakin short! We (and this chiefly includes me) must stop holding grudges against those who disappoint us by not fulfilling our inner (often unspoken) expectations.

I would argue, Ida, that societal norms, in this case social contracts, ARE the same for everyone: You recognize the importance of certain events in my life, such as graduations, childbirth, birthdays, and I will thank you for that kindness toward me; in other words equal participation in the enjoyability of giving and receiving. The difference is that not everyone follows through with their end of the contract, and it is difficult to not interpret that indifference as either a feeling of personal entitlement or a lack of empathy towards the sacrifice of the giver. I don’t get angry; I just stop my own participation.

I think in the case of the girlfriend, she was not a guest in Oakley's home, she was at her boyfriend's home, so not sure why she would be expected to bring/send a hostess gift. She may have not even known her boyfriend's parents were going to be present at the gift exchange. Or she could be a boor. But either way, holding onto feelings about it (disappointment, rejection, whatever) is not going to foster a good relationship with someone who may be a part of the family some day. Showing grace will go a long way toward being someone that the future DIL may want to learn from and maybe emulate.

Wow, I have never ever considered any gift I have given to be part of some kind of contract.

And to not show kindness or generosity to a family member who is suffering a loss because I did not receive a thank you for a previous gift is beyond my thought process.

But even if I did donate with a name attached, I wouldn't want a thank you....need due to monumental tragedies are in a whole other category and a totally different level than pleasant events in which gifts are given.

I am particularly referring to solicited gifts, which, if you read current wedding/parent sites, are solicited, and expected (with failure to comply to specific gift requests met with disdain), with wedding, birthday, and shower invitations. I was not even addressing Oakley’s issues nor of supporting one’s own family during a time of need. Maddielee, you have taken my opinion and applied it way more broadly than I. I give generously, as I choose. There are many unspoken social contracts; it is part of an organized society. It is not a legal contract, of course.

deeinohio, I understand what you're saying, but I also maintain that these "societal contracts" are binding only as they are agreed upon mutually. I do not believe that they are the same for everyone, and I don't think everyone places the same weight on how, when, and where to observe the things that are important to others. For example, I've known people in the workplace who would be sorely disappointed (to the point of making it clear they were nursing wounds) if nobody wished them a happy birthday and made a little "fuss" over them on the day. I've known others who have pointedly stated that they did not even want others in the workplace to know when it was their birthday, and in no event did they want any observance to take place. Then, of course, you have the people in the middle who can take it or leave it (but hey, free cake).

I think we can safely say that the exchanging of gifts is a rite that Oakley places significance on. That's perfectly ok -- it speaks to how she is conditioned to express love for others. I think the "danger", if you will, comes into play when there is an expectation that others within our sphere "get it" as we get it, and somehow inherently understand our unspoken desires. Does anyone really think that the girlfriend intended to slight Oakley by not bringing a gift? Since she obviously cares greatly for Oakley's son and his children, how would that even make sense? Could the fact that she gave gifts to the son and children have been her way of expressing something of her heart towards Oakley and her husband as well? Do we know what her own family dynamic was/is with regard to gift giving? What could possibly be served by attributing bad manners to the girl in this situation? Selfishness that translates to bad manners DOES exist, but in most cases I think there are other factors that can easily account for why people behave as they do. And I still maintain that we would be better served if we stopped projecting our own norms and expectations onto others. If nothing else, it would make for a helluva lot less inner turmoil.

I've been thinking a lot about etiquette and manners since our recent trip. I had read a number of times that Icelandic people do certain things that many consider to be rude, in particular not saying "pardon me" or otherwise apologizing if they physically bump another person. I thought - noooo, surely this cannot be true. I mean, who physically rams into another and doesn't at least acknowledge the accident in some way, to express concern for the other person? But sure enough, DH and I both saw this play out several times during our stay. Once, a man accidentally collided with a woman in the grocery store, giving her a pretty strong sidelong body blow. As they sort of bounced off one another, neither spoke a work, but both continued on about their business. "We" would consider that to be unspeakably rude ... but to them, it was not. It simply HAPPENED, and was nothing to spend even a split second dwelling on.

One of my pet peeves while flying is when the person in the seat behind me either repeatedly kicks or jostles my seat, or especially when they treat the touch screen inflight entertainment as a POKE screen. Inevitably, I seem to get seated right in front of someone who consistently jabs at the thing all through the flight, sending my head flying forward each time. This drives me insane, and my tendency is to immediately judge the person as a rude buffoon who has made a conscious decision to behave like an overbearing gorilla. Of course, that's my emotional, reactive side making that judgment. "Rational me" (yes, she exists) recognizes that the seat poker simply has no idea how they are adversely affecting my comfort. They're probably, in all likelihood, a very nice person who is not intent on being rude. They simply have no idea what's going on in the seat in front of them.

I was publicly thanked for the GoFundMes that I donated by the recipient. Plus I then heard how the money was used to help. I think the donations were anonymous so planned to not have a personal thank-you I guess in a way.

I think if I give donations-via GFM or other means-to someone who is truly suffering (loss of a child, d devastating illness)-it’d be truly a gift, no expectation of acknowledgement or anything. The last thing I want the people I love to be worrying out in the midst of the worst time of their lives is a social obligation.

And re son’s gf-my family is a big gift giving family and Christmas and birthdays are huge. My husband’s family and my daughter’s boyfriend’s family are not-I would not have expected a gift from her bf their first Christmas, and I’m confident the only reason I got one was because my daughter gave him the scoop so he wouldn’t feel left out. In other words, if it was a clear expectation in your family sounds like your son should’ve made sure she knew :).

I’m gonna agree with a poster above. Life is short and cultivating hurt feelings is no way to be happy. Let it go and just let the giving itself be what nurtures your soul and people you love.

Why didn’t your son explain to his GF that gifts are important to you? He set her up for failure. That wasn’t very nice of him. You should ask him to tell her that you expect gifts in the future, to avoid months of hurt feelings and judgement.

When we give to GFM, we choose the "anonymous" option for the public view. The person who set up the GFM sees everyone who gave.

I'm not surprised Oakley didn't receive a Christmas gift from her son's girlfriend. Believe me, next year you will.

I'm currently using gofundme for my boyfriend's daughter that passed away. The amount of generous people who have helped is so comforting and means a lot. I find it absolutely necessary to give thanks to each and every person who donates. It's common courtesy, which no one has anymore. I've spent hours thanking everyone, each thank you being different and personalized. That's the least I can do for their selfless and generous help.

I'm glad this was resurrected because I don't think I saw the last few replies. HU, I'm sorry about your boyfriend's daughter, how terribly sad.

About receiving thanks for donating to GFM, I'm talking about local GFM pages like a death, fire, health, where it's usually friends, family, and locals who donate. Not a GFM where the whole nation sees it. And of course if someone does it anonymously they can't be thanked.

I didn't go back and read all the replies, but Hh, I'm not sure why you singled me out saying my son should have told her that gifts were important to me. We ALL give and receive gifts on Christmas, it's part of our celebration. She got him a gift, he opened it in front of everybody. It's common courtesy and good manners. It was a small family Christmas and if the situation were reversed there's no way I wouldn't take a gift to my BF-now-husband's parents.

Last Christmas was great, we all gave and received, and had a jolly old time. :)

The thought of thank you notes, let alone any implicit expectations of receiving them, is not part of my gift-giving MO. This is true thousand folds when the gift is occasioned by a tragedy or emergency.

I do understand that the nature of Oakley and deeinohio’s focus, which is protocols. But a tragedy or emergency is so traumatic that it requires one to set aside any societal “norm” or any other expectations for that matter — even more than it requires monetary generosity.

The only time I worry about a lack of acknowledgement is if the technology I used to send the gift is not fool-proof. GFM is easy to track and I don’t worry about that once I’ve given. But once I gifted Barnes and Nobles gift cards to two of my colleagues who gave me rides to work when I couldn’t drive due to a fractured leg. When I didn’t hear anything for a couple of days, I just asked if they got an email from B&N. Sure enough, they did get something and they deleted it, thinking it was a spam. I got our IT staff to retrieve it, because it was past the periodic, automatic emptying of trash folders. This time, I told them to open the email and not to delete it.

Back when money transfers were not so easy to track remotely, I’d check with my bank to make sure the electronic fund transfer was completed. Now, I don’t have to worry about that either.

I also think it’s a function of a less formal society and less well-defined norms. I have two very close friends, and the three of us are an inseparable trio. One of them is considerably older than the other two. But even accounting for her age, she has the endearing formality of generations past. We share news articles, etc by email all the time. This older friend thanks the sender for sharing the interesting/useful/valuable/... information — without fail, EVERY time. She also sends thank you cards and birthday and holiday greetings by mail, even though we get together every week, if not more (pre-COVID).

I love card getting and giving by mail. So nice to have parts of life not chained to a screen of some type . . . (she says as she completes her daily round of screen tasks . . . )

When I’ve contributed to GFM, I’ve never even thought about getting a thank you, I didn’t realize that was a thing.

I learned a long time ago, it’s better to give when you expect nothing in return. With family I’d like an aknowledgment, but not w/something like GFM.

Oakley, I didn’t single you out, you told us a story that a relatively new to the family girlfriend didn’t have a gift for you. If gifts are important to your whole family, not just you, it actually makes your son look worse that he didn‘t ask her if she needed help getting gifts for everyone. ”Need any gift ideas for my parents? Or kids?” He allowed her to show up partially empty-handed. To his mother who is highly sensitive and easily offended. He has some responsibility for not helping her fit seamlessly into your family’s ways of celebration.

I am lucky that most people in my circle are pretty good with thank you notes. Funny, a friend of mine recently hosted a small luncheon for my birthday and gave me a gift. I texted her a thank you, and followed up with a note in the mail. About a week later I sent her another thank you card. I had forgotten about the first one! So she tells me I have one banked for now, LOL.

It is very generous of you to contribute to a cause or to support one's desperate need for help. I thank you for your kindness and generosity.

I hope you will continue to help others during difficult and dark times.. They need your support.

There's a saying from where i come from.. Doing acts out of love and without expectations is the highest form of serving others.

When you act with expectations be prepared for disappointments. ✌💗🙏.

If you want to look into your heart about your motives for donating, whether it’s to help or for the recognition, donate anonymously. iIf you can’t do that then it’s not totally about helping. If you need recognition so they will know what a generous person you are, then just send a check to them.. But don’t expect a thank you from someone going through difficulties. Just pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing..

I’m elated someone wrote about this. I have donated for a few facebook friends battling cancer, not even real life friends. I was raised to say thank you. It is unreal to me that a person can open their wallets in this horrid economy and not be thanked. One little word goes a long way. It’s not cool.

Write again 7317, when you’ve battled cancer and how well you managed thank yous. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine walking in another’s shoes.

I met a man once, a Soviet Jew who moved to SV. His company was quite successful and he had a tremendous love of music. He funded music scholarships for young people to attend top-notch conservatories. As we chit-chatted, I said how grateful the young people who received his largesse must have been. He answered me unequivocally that he could not care less whether they were grateful or not. He just cared he was able to be of service. I was deeply humbled by having met a person so much better than I was that night. Such amazingly good people exist.

"Give your money, give your time, don't tell anyone."

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/12/giving-to-charity-anonymously-happiness/621111/

I have an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, but I know her socially, who is extremely wealthy because of something her father invented that is in such common use that he (now his kids) get huge royalties each year. She is successful on her own and doesn't need the money (or most of it). So she just gives it all away and is always looking for creative ideas to distribute it (besides all the usual avenues). One year (or maybe more), she gave a group of her women friends each a fairly substantial amount of money for THEM to give away as they saw fit. Few people knew the original benefactor and she was A-okay with that.