Hey I started a page two and a post on it I wonder what happened to it??

What I must have done was create the post did a preview then closed it without submitting it haha

A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and I'll give you a hand"?

"No, thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again, the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer. "He's under the load of hay."

Things Dad Will Never Say

10.) Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9.) You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8.) I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!

7.) Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!

6.) What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5.) Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4.) Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3.) No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.

2.) What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1.) Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

Marriage, Before and After

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done....

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How did I end up with someone like you?

A friend and I were driving in the country looking for an address. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road.

We drove to the police station, but they'd never heard of the road. Neither had the Fire Department. We went to City Hall, where a community get together was going on. We consulted a map, with no luck, until we happened to ask one young man who knew exactly where the road was. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.

I said, "Thank you! Are you with the police or the Fire Department?"

"Neither. I deliver pizzas."

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.

His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So, where's mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

"Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that said, "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

Automatic E-mail Reply

"I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your e-mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, Im buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second man replies, "No, but it shouldnÂt be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room, I heard a woman call out, "Make that two!"

Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come up to us and say, "Look! Twins!"

During a Las Vegas trip though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed, "Look! A pair!"

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."

An hour later, the woman called back, even more upset.

"Now, I have two skunks in my basement!"

My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone.

Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges."

Even though they've been back for awhile, those charges didn't appear on their statement for several months.

I had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

The young couple had just brought their new baby home. The wife suggested, "Perhaps you should try your hand at changing diapers."

"I'm busy. I'll do the next one."

The next time came around. Once again, the wife suggested that the husband change the baby's diaper.

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did....

Call No. 1

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Call No. 2

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $$12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Call No. 3

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

Call No. 4

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

Ask any support tech: they'll tell you these are not exaggerations!

THE GORILLA AND BOBBY LEE

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.'
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.'
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.'
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Fourth', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.

'And last,' Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come
up with the $500.00.'

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic :..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic :..... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 7 hours to read

Titanic :..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic :..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a BS artist.

Titanic :..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic :..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic :..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic :..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic :..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic :..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic :..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

See if I can get this right

A man and his wife were on the front porch watching their neighbor arrive home after work. He smothered his wife with hugs and kisses.

the wife watching turned to her husband and said I wish you'd do that more often.

the husband replied "Well, I really don't know her very well!!"

Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on the earth planet have developed satellite based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, ' Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a Tetanus shot.'

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

Airline travel these days:

Attendant: Welcome aboard U.S. Airways, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
marshal -- and you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it, it'll probably come in handy later.

Passenger (finally getting suspicious): What for?

Attendant: You may need it later for the lavatory.

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower on his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?"

Lately when I copy and paste a joke here my computer gets messed up. Sorry

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 'Is it wine?' she guessed.

'No,' the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ' Champagne ?'

'No,' said the little boy 'It's a puppy!'

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or
they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. ;

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they"d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba"s 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it"s my 21st birthday, so why can"t I walk "cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba"s troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you big fool!"

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask."

"Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!"

"When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Old John was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Peggy", he whispered, "come closer!"

She wiped a tear and leaned in to hear his words. "You were with me through the Great Depression," he told her.

"Yes John," she said.

"Peggy, you were with me through the terrible droughts in the fifties and the eighties."

"Yes John."

"And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties."

"Right," she said.

"And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm."

"Yes John."

"And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die."

Peggy nodded.

"You know Peggy, I'm starting to think you are nothing but bad luck!"

(Yep: those were indeed his very last words.)

MY RESUME...
? My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.
? Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
? After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.
? Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
? Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
? I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
? My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
? I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
? Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
? I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
? I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
? So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
? After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
? My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
? SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, sir," the youngster answered.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

"Yes, sir," the player confirmed.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a peckerhead. Do you understand all that?"

"Yes, sir," the boy admitted.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb butt', is it?"

"No, sir," the boy said, starting to look embarrassed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your father"!

New Stock Market Terms:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes ! as it
disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo! -- What you yell after selling it to some poor
sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker
who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- an archaic word no longer in use.

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,

so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark
in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies.

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New.

He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.

Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.

His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" God inquired.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking. The smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," Eve reported.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," God replied. "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied. "But for one oversight on your part: You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said: "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob...?"

Now: doesn't that make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

With the meltdown on Wall Street, it's important for even ordinary citizens to understand the terminology bankers and brokers use. Here's a start.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my stockbroker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- On Wall Street, it's "standard" for their clients to be "poor", thus "Standard & Poor".

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $24 per share. (But then, you paid $54 per share....)

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought GM at $74 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

CAPITALISM -- What Republicans said wanted before they got hit by losses and embraced the Socialistic "bailout".

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be 20 next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? CAROL

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

--

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

--

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a 10-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

--

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? JAKE

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

--

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is 73 and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

--

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? SAM IN CAL.

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

--

DEAR ABBY: I am 44 years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

--

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

Ad for Gynecogolist Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the hell do you want to live another 20 years?"

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________ ____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

THREE NOTES GO INTO A BAR

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Subject: Christmas Traditions

The Teacher asked Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick said, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door; then we hang up our stockings. Then, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice" she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad we sing carols, and we get home late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... and begin to sing: 'What a Friend We have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Holiday Eating Tips - For The Sane

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, after all, have some standards.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.