"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason
I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she
asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of
grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble
were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last
few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night,
when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to
Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that
double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness,
with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come
sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck
that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'

We are fortunate our grandchildren live close by and visit us often.

When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking.

"Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"

She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on the knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her mother will pass the knowledge on to her.

There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," Morgan said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."

Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a traffic light. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do!"

"I got one too. See?" the Texan says.

"Uh huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "No! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns green and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"

"Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

A little boy walks up to the librarian to check out a book. Noticing that the title is A Comprehensive Guide for Mothers, the librarian asks, "Is this for your mom?"

"No, it's for me."

"Then why do you want this particular book?"

"Because I just started collecting moths last month!"

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.

My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth out of a vacation.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not, but once, while I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day and you sit there reading a book?!"

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds!"

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon!"

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind was made."

Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"

The father answered, "Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said it developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.

"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium, ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked ones," I answered.

"All right," he said. "Crack me a dozen of the large ones."

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.

"Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher!"

Photo on the Dressing Table

After a long night of making love,
The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman's Dressing Table by the bed.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"
He nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
He continues.

"No, not at all,"
She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
She answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?"
He demands.

She whispers in his ear

"That's me before the surgery."

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

And my Mom said, "He does."

One day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous, "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mommm."

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

This is a real posting from Craigs list . . .
----------------------------------------------
For SaleOne (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model

Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT

Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD.
Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul.
A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiringÂMany wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up
with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholsteringÂCarpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work--Breasts are too close to the ground,
and knees are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul
clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..

Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services
or other commercial interests

PostingID: 641609489

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl. She was athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long, blank look and then replied, "Well, no. We have it like just about everyday."

"Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes...""

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl and she weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says, "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

One student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" asked the professor.

"For one thing, she'd be way too old!"

A man and his wife are out walking when they encounter a friend. The man says to his friend, "I've got to tell you about this memory course we took. It's fabulous!"

"I could use it. What's it called?"

"Uh, what's that red flower you give to someone you love?"

"A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one."

"A poppy?"

"No, no, no. You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you. Rose, what's the name of that memory course?"

"Mom," said the little girl, "is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you're giving him a drink of water?"

"Yes," said her mother. "That is the correct thing to say."

"Well, then I'm going to milk the cat."

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references."

Our argument was well under way as my wife and I left the party. Once we were in the car, words were flying. My wife had really worked up a storm and after a few choice words from me, she shouted, "Stop the car and let me out!"

I pulled over to the curb. She unlocked the door and got out, but then looked around and got back in, saying, "Take me to a better neighborhood!"

On a lonely, moonlit country road, a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot, he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was."

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly. "It wasn't opportunity."

I had worked late and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks.

I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."

Recently, a friend and I went out to eat late one Sunday morning. I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast and lunch menus and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and an order of scrambled eggs. When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed a faux pas.

"I don't think so," said my friend. "But I am wondering which one will come first."

Shopping can kill you

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "we were havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin, Ray, picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice decided to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, so she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today, because she is ill."

The secretary at the high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling, please?"

"This is my mother."

One day, we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a craft shop and one of her employees who had apprehended a would-be thief and held him captive until the police arrived to arrest him.

As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did they do? Hold him at needlepoint?"

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?"

"You told me to put my money in that big bank and now, that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the oldest, largest and most stable banks in the state. There must be some mistake."

"I don't think so. They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, which was one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

Signs of the times. Real or invented some are funny.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

----------------------------------------
In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

----------------------------------------
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

----------------------------------------
On another Septic Tank Truck:

"We're #1 in the #2 business"

----------------------------------------
At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

----------------------------------------
On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

----------------------------------------
On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

----------------------------------------
On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

----------------------------------------
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

----------------------------------------
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

----------------------------------------
At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

----------------------------------------
On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

----------------------------------------
In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

----------------------------------------
On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

----------------------------------------
At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

----------------------------------------
On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

----------------------------------------
On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

----------------------------------------
At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

----------------------------------------
Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

----------------------------------------
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

----------------------------------------
At the Electric Company :

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

----------------------------------------
In a Restaurant window :

"Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."

----------------------------------------
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

----------------------------------------
At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

----------------------------------------
Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

"You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking. He would just make snide remarks."

"Like what?"

"He'd look at his plate and ask, 'Wasn't the dog hungry?'"

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad faced dog staring at me from the living room.

"I love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now, you be good, okay?"

From the other room, I heard a voice answer, "Okay."

My girlfriend called me from her car after she had arrived at an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally, she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me and now, I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are not going to tell anybody about this!"

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods with them!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become not just a writer, but a great writer.

"That will take a lot of work," people warned him. "That's not easy, son," his dad said gently. But the young man was determined.

What did he mean by "great", someone finally asked.

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" he said. That would be the mark of a great writer!

Well, a wise career counselor helped him get his wish.

That young man now works for Microsoft -- writing error messages.

Good one bob!!

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.

"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison."