Thanks Pooh. I'll try it out.

Governmentium: the Discovery of a New Element

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take anytime from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well"!!

So this duck walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool and asks the bartender "got a beer?"

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here, now get out!"

So the next day the duck comes back and says "Can I buy a beer?"

The bartender says "NO!, I told you yesterday that we don't serve your kind here, and if you come back one more time I will staple your feet to this bar!"

The next day the duck comes in and hops up on the stool and says "Got any staples?"

The bartender replies "No"

The duck says "Then can I have a beer?"

came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold the position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 lb. potato sack. Then 50 lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, so I asked him about it.

He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving, and had nicked his chin.

I thought about that during the service.

After he was done, I stood in line to greet him after the service.

I told him that I thought about what he had said.

"And...?" he replied.

I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing, and cut his sermon instead.

A group of friends on a cross-country road trip took a tour of their favorite brewery. As they marveled at the process, one of them slipped and fell into a huge vat of beer. While his friends waited outside brewery workers tried to save him. A half hour later a supervisor came out and told the guys their friend had drowned.
Do you think he suffered much? one asked?
"I don't think so" the supervisor replied.
Before he drowned he climbed out three times to go to the bathroom."

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
...
When he's finished, the cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

"But", he wanted to know, "what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball?"

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts
back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water
over it."

Wife texts back
5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up
now.

just got this one in an email laughed out loud

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died and the manager started looking for a new one to hire.

An old drunk with a ragged look came by to apply for the position. The manager wondered how to send him away, but gave him a glass to drink anyway.

The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the manager. "Another glass for you."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'', calmly said the drunk.

The manager was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left and came back with a glass of urine.

The drunk tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

A blonde got a new washing machine, and having never done laundry before she wanted to do it right. So, she called the 800 number on the lid.

"I have a special shirt to wash and I'm not sure what setting to use".

The customer service agent asked her "well, what does it say on your shirt?"

She replied "University of Michigan".

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo.. I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
âÂÂJust ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for ValentineâÂÂs Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.âÂÂ
âÂÂAnother time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made afabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I donâÂÂt have a clue.âÂÂ

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo at Walmart. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

An older couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their phones. The wife, being a romantic, decided one day that she would send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams,
If you are laughing, send me your smile,
If you are eating, send me a bite,
If you are drinking, send me a sip,
If you are crying, send me your tears,
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise - -

Church Sermon Of The Future Or Is It Now?

PASTOR: "Can we please turn on our tablet, PC, iPad, cellphone,

and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

"Now, Let us pray, committing this week into God\'s hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook and chat with

God..."

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offering... Please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"You can log on to the church Wi-fi using the password Lord909887."

Ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines among theworshipers.

*Those who prefer to make electronic funds transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

*Those who prefer to use iPads flip them open. *Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the cellphones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...

*This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.

*Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.

*You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless you and have a wonderful week!

Redneck IQ Test

From a buddy who grew up in West Virginia. He sent it with the comment, "I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam!"

---

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

---

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "Redneck IQ Test", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece: Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with em.

Man Walks Into A Bar

A man walks into a bar. sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice Tie".

Man looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt".

The man, flustered, asked the bartender, "What's that voice?".

Bartender replies, "Oh that's the peanuts, they're complementary

FROM SAN FRANCISCO

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote âÂÂThis iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag,â on a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, âÂÂOK,â and left the Wells Fargo Bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later. He was waiting in line back at the Bank of America!

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked, fled & left the chain still attached to the machine & their bumper (license plate still attached).

IN THE BAG

A âÂÂtourist,â supposedly on a golf holiday, made idle chatter at the customs counter. The customs official thought it odd that the golfer didnâÂÂt know what a handicap was & asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did �" backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. He provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, âÂÂNobody move!â His partner moved & the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County was ticketed for driving alone in the car pool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in his mortuary van should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

Proof Why Crime DoesnâÂÂt Pay:

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote âÂÂThis iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag,â on a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, âÂÂOK,â and left the Wells Fargo Bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later. He was waiting in line back at the Bank of America!

This Humor Thread for 2013 is now closed.
A new Humor Thread will be started to continue this one.
Please post all new jokes to the new Humor Thread.
Thanks to all who contributed.