Defining The Boundaries of Forum Relationships

16 years ago

I have been writing on gardening forums long enough that I know it is in my best interest when I read something that hits a raw nerve I need to give it some time before I respond. Sometimes I will immediately write a response in word and by the next day after a little space and clarity I am grateful for my delete button. This time however there is no right or wrong to the issue, no side to take, just two different people with polar opposite perspectives. For the second time in the last month or two I have read a long time forum member state with very clear boundaries that she/he would prefer to keep anonymous I have already gotten into one fight on this board. You canÂt be too safe. As I stated we are all different folk and all entitled to have our individual feelings treated respectfully, however this repeated sentiment really hit a nerve with me. How could anyone feel cautious about my forum buddies let alone myself? Heck I communicate more and feel I know some of you better than most of my neighbors. I am at the opposite end of this spectrum I have opened my home to you and look forward to visiting some amazing New England Forum Gardens this summer. Yes I have a different perspective about forum discussion and all of you who I have my morning tea with I value you for more than the gardening information you share and consider ALL of you my friend (even that yankee admiring treelover). kt

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Comments (16)

moleman_64
16 years ago
On the other hand, kt, my mother loves the expression "once bitten, twice shy". It takes some time to develop mutual trust... even among gardeners.
claireplymouth z6b coastal MA
16 years ago
You also should consider that, while most of the forum posting is between regulars, there are a lot of lurkers in the background reading the posts.

I'm certainly not saying that many lurkers are evil-doers (I often lurk on other forums), but forums are public places and some restraint is appropriate.

Claire
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nandina
16 years ago
Throughout the Forums there are many who wish to 'play it close to the chest'. I don't have a problem with that. BTW, runktrun, I have been trying to get an e-mail through to you via GW without success. Perhaps you can reach me as I need a favor from someone on the Vineyard this fall, if you are interested in a little horticultural adventure.
runktrun
Original Author
16 years ago
nandina,
Horticultural Adventure sounds exciting, I have completely given up all hope of ever receiving or sending GW mail again it has been down all winter if not longer. My email is katyguerin@comcast.net. kt
hipchick
16 years ago
I post on a larger, loosly moderated general issue board, and trust me, there are plenty of wierd people out there LOL
I have heard of people calling friends and neighbors of a poster, sending things to thier house, stalking them around other boards, tracking them down at work, etc etc over something on a message board!

I don't blame anyone for keeping personal info private. Plus, though you find a value to a board in making connections, some people just don't want that level of involvement
PRO
Nancy Vargas Registered Architect
16 years ago
Hi, that was me you quoted. I am sorry if I "offended" you in some way, but I stand by my opinion.

Message boards can be dangerous places. There is the perception of distance so people type away and conflicts can occur. It is like "road rage." Then there are the people who "lurk" and there can be thousands of people reading your posts. I think it is very unwise to think this or any message board is just a group of ten or twenty well-meaning people sharing a common interest. I have seen and read about nasty "real life" happenings due to naivete on message boards.

Unfortunately, there are lots of crazy, bored and mischeivous people out there and the internet seems to attract them. I prefer to play it close to the vest. I am sorry if that makes me suspect to any of you. I do enjoy participating.

WG
chazparas
16 years ago
I'm a pretty friendly person though not very trusting of many. I need to meet you in person and develop a relationship before you know too much about me, especially my garden!!!
I've got some one of a kinds here, things from breeders, zone trials, etc. When I lived in Florida I avoided being part of garden tours for the following reason...
There was a group who attended garden tours to scout out rare, exotic, or mature plants to come back and steal. They had rich client orders to fill!
While I'm not so much afraid of stalkers although they're out there, I am really afraid of theft. Iris varieties from the 1500's and trial plants cannot be replaced easily!
sedum37
16 years ago
Chaz - Interesting about people stealing plants after attending garden tours. I would have never thought of that. I guess I would have expected they may try to sneak a cutting but to come back and dig up things... Amazing.

Sue
chazparas
16 years ago
Sue,
It was pretty bad down in FL for a while. Rare mature cycads, full grown palms, amazing things disappeard. Not only from private homes but also from botanical gardens and nurseries. When I lived in Brooklyn NY they even stole topiaries (ugly ones, LOL) right from the front of peoples homes, it turned out to be landscapers reselling them to new clients. Sad state of affairs but it's really made me edgy about who I let onto the property.
Chaz
triciae
16 years ago
My aunt, in Fresno, had her Sago Palm stolen. They jumped her back fence to illegally enter her back gardens while she sleep, dug up the 30+ year old palm, drug it across her lawn (tearing up the turf), heaved it over the fence somehow leaving behind an awful mess, & trucked it away. My aunt was 91 years old at the time. The palm had been a present from my sister to my aunt.

Tricia
chazparas
16 years ago
Kt
sorry for what this has turned into. I did not mean to highjack this thread.
Chaz
diggingthedirt
16 years ago
I have no problem with some people wanting to remain anonymous, or with lurkers, and even less problem with people who tell all, sharing their stories, email addresses, and knowledge. I value the friendships, ideas, support, adventures, and PLANTS I've gotten from my participation in GW.

The only thing that bothers me is the very rare occurrence of verbal sniping, and I try to ignore it instead of joining in. We're all only human (at best) and sometimes I forget an d snipe back. Katy's idea of saving your reply overnight is a great one, though it probably wouldn't work for me - too impulsive and generally rushed.

There are so many interesting and lively participants on this forum, it doesn't matter to me if I never know more about some of them than their GW monikers. Luckily, there are quite a few who I consider friends now, whose "real" names, faces and gardens are ones I know.
moleman_64
16 years ago
Now I feel bad for having inadvertently kicked this off... WG had every right to reply as she did, and I took no offense. I'm new to this forum, and there's absolutely no reason that I deserve her trust... I hope I will earn it in time, but there are many good reasons for her to be cautious. As others have posted, there are very good reasons NOT to trust other people. I find it astonishing that someone who opens their garden to others would risk the kind of theft that has been described, but I have to believe that it's true... very, very sad, but true.

Personally, I'm one of those naive folks who believe that gardeners are a species unto themselves, and I tend to treat them as trusted friends just because they're gardeners. I hope that they will be enthusiastic, willing to share successes and failures, and willing to teach and learn, depending on the circumstances. Above all, though, I expect them to be 100% honest with each other. Hearing that others have had experiences which cut into that trust does not make me think less of the person involved. It just makes me sad that such caution is necessary.

Whitegarden, please understand that I took no offense whatsoever from your caution... I understood it fully, and accepted it as a perfectly reasonable response. You're under no obligation to trust anyone just because they are taking part in this forum... period. Hopefully some day I'll earn that trust, but in the meantime, please keep contributing... your wisdom and experience are absolutely invaluable!
chelone
16 years ago
I'm very understanding that our diverse personalities elicit responses that can, oftentimes, be disconserting. I'm able to shrug off many, but I balk at things that offend my sense of "fairplay". So this, Katy, is a very timely post for me.

I'm fine with philosophical disagreements. But it's important that we keep the posts "on topic", let's make sure there is a question about GARDENING included in our queries to our fellow members. And (bearing my last post in mind, lol) let's make sure every reply pertains to GARDENING.

If we adhere to that principle we will always have a common ground... "gools" (guess on how to spell it) to which we may all return and be "safe".
terrene
16 years ago
I'm not here on Gardenweb (or the rest of the internet) to discuss my personal life or to get into hassles with people. Life has enough headaches, who needs more??

This is a place to talk about a myriad of topics related to gardening. There are lots of nice people here, many many great threads, lots of ideas shared, and I really enjoy learning and reading about others' experiences with gardening, wildlife, etc. Not to mention the posts that make me LOL.

Some people have such weird personalities that they seem to enjoy creating drama and havoc on an Internet forum. They seek out the hot buttons and then try to push them. When they get a response, I guess they get the attention they crave.

But in general there isn't much troll activity on this website as compared to some others I've visited. It seems so contrary to what gardening's about anyway. So that's refreshing.
solana
16 years ago
Hi KT and others,

I'm not so much a lurker as a lapser, have been away for a while with replacing computer and then the spring crunch. I may be, in part, responsible for hurt feelings when it comes to wanting to remain somewhat anonymous. Here's my take:

It's not about the regulars here. I've found you all to be extremely generous and trust-worthy. However, as said above, this is a public forum. As such, there are automated trolling programs which have nothing to do with GW just looking for a valid email address, with the intent of spamming or worse. I prefer to limit that.

Re: keeping this purely about gardening? Methinks it's time for the NE forum to have a 'Conversation' side. At the moment, our choices are Discussion or Exchange. We're a community of friends, a place to chat off topic would be great.

What has worked well for me is to send an email on the side to connect on a one-to-one basis, KT knows my real name, but, on the boards, I prefer to be known as,

~Ana

Defining The Boundaries of Forum Relationships

Comments (16)

moleman_64

claireplymouth z6b coastal MA

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