You have both done the right thing, and those kids should be more than ashamed of themselves. Believe me, when it comes time to dole out the estate, they'll show up like flies to manure. It could be they're afraid that if this poor woman does get the care she needs in a nursing facility, then there won't be an estate. Who knows. It seems suspicious none of them want to be a caregiver.

Yes, the seniors do have an agency who is interested in their welfare, just like children do. There is a department of social services/welfare in every county. A caseworker should evaluate the situation of any person who may be a danger to themselves, or others.

I'm with Leone. In fact I might have used just the same words. Pearl definitely needs professional care. I hope she gets some soon.

Most of the time, the children that rarely visit simply
don't know what their parents need.

Miss Julia needed more care than the neighbors and
Katrina and I going up and helping out when we could.
She had a PT and nurses coming by but that left meals
and personal care. We called her daughter and she came down
with the idea that her mom just needed her for a couple of weeks.
She found out just how much care her mom needed and ended
up moving her to Indiana with her.

Leone pretty much said it all. Perhaps the daughter will
come and do the right thing for her mom.

This is so hard. For seven years I was the primary caregiver for my Mother who had alzheimers. I had 4 brothers and sisters who were in denial and refused to admit how bad Mom was. It was worse in a way because sometimes she had good days when she seemed quite normal which made my statements seem alarmest to my siblings who did not live close. When she could not live alone Mom went to visit each of my sisters for a month or so and all of a sudden everyone got the picture. I don't know that this helps you any but if the daughter is with the mother not for one day or half a day but for at least a week she will know. What I can't figure is why they are trying to shove it off on you. My sibs did it to me until I refused to take any more but I was family. That drug slogan comes to mind, "just day no!"

I am under the impression that if she must go to an Agency, or be referred there by an Emergency Room Dr. after some incident, the kids can kiss the estate goodby..

This is a long-term terminal illness. And there are state and federal laws about how a person's estate can't be hidden when they are getting help. So she's private pay to the tune of several thou a month, or she's indigent and the state and Federal Government takes over...sounds like the kids have ignored her until there's no way they can put her assets in any kind of trust.

Good, its her money and she can spend the last dime of it being taken care of.

Joyce (and Pearl even if she doesn't realize it) is so very lucky to have you two as caring neighbors.

MIL suffered a mild form of Alzheimer's for her last several years. I discovered that even when she had instantaneous forgetfulness of the present, she could talk lucidly about her childhood, only rarely being disjointed in her memory of events. Shoo, I'm 30 years younger and *I* get disjointed, so that's not a big deal. We had some wonderful conversations talking about her world during the teens - 1910 to 1920. I wish now I had taped her memories, but it never occurred to me at the time.

Shilty, you're right about the estate. If Pearl has any assets at all, they'll have to pay. When my mom had to be put into a nursing home it was $5000/month for a decent one & that was in rural Illinois 4 or 5 years ago. The state agencies/medicaid don't pick up a dime until every penny the person has is gone.

I agree these women are very lucky to have you as a neighbor.

As for the problem of family, the kids love to turn a blind eye because otherwise it would mean they'd have to get involved and be responsible. It might put a dent in their lifestyle and require work and comittment. I'm living this scenario which is a surprising repeat of the situation my parents were in when I was growing up.

My grandfather lived with us most of the year, spending part of the winter in the south. His care and shelter fell to my parents. My uncle and aunts were hands off never as much as inviting him to dinner much less spending the night or driving him to daily cancer treatments - my mom (with 4 kids to care for) did that.

My SIL and BIL are totally clueless to what happens on a daily basis when living with an octagenarian. Even a healthy person can drive you nuts! We've had to call 9-1-1 several times for medical emergencies and they've as much as said we overreacted. What a crock since one of the incidents involved a gangrenous gall bladder! I'm always defending my actions and trying to point out the difficulties of living with a strong willed, contentious person. They don't want to hear it and they certainly don't want her at their house for more than two days. (She's been here for 14 years). I feel very, very alone in dealing with this woman, constantly defending my actions and attempting to garner some understanding of the toll it takes on me. Linda C and others here at the GP have seen her in action. An incident in my kitchen during one of the get-togethers summed it up pretty well.

The jig is up in a couple years when we retire and move out of state. This ought to be pretty funny as everyone assumes she can pay big bucks to live in a fancy assisted living place. HA - the jokes on them.

Thanks for listening and allowing me to go on and on.

Someone just said to me "The hardest thing we have to do in our life is raise our parents"