This past weekend is what brought about my current woes. Very early Saturday morning I woke up to make one of those quick dashes to the bathroom and then jump right back into bed. Well this particular morning when I stepped out of my bed, my foot hit a wet spot. I immediately turned around and gave my dog, Rocky (who was innocently curled up in bed beside me) a dirty look. "What did you do!" Rocky stares up at me "Who me? Nothing! I swear on my box of dog snacks!"

It wasn't until I put the other foot on the carpet and water splashed up that I realized Rocky couldn't possibly hold that much water. It was time to investigate so I switched on the bedroom light to find out where the water had come from in my apartment. Oh....if I hadn't of turned on that light and just ignore the water spot I probably would have been floating down the street. My apartment was flooded with water. I walked through the kitchen...WATER! I walked through the dining room....WATER! I walked through the living room.....WATER! The only place there wasn't WATER was in my bathroom.

Splash. Splash. Splash.....I going back and forth checking the pipes under my kitchen sink and bathroom sink and also checking the water heater. Nothing. Bone dry.

Well....I get out the mop to swap up the water on the kitchen floor....Then call maintainence. This is at 6:30 AM. I get the beeper. Back to the kitchen which is already soaked with water again. Mop. Call maintainence again. Repeat 2 more times. Finally maintainence returns my frantic beeps at 9:00 am and someone shows up 15 minutes later. It turns out a kitchen pipe had burst in my neighbor's apartmnent and had flooded mine throughout the night. The neighbors had gone away for the holiday weekend.

Ok to shorten this story a bit, 4 days and 5 maintainance guys later I am now living in the inside of a jet engine (industrial strength fan they have installed to dry up the carpet which makes a horrendous noise)enjoying the fresh aroma of "ode de la mildew" and dodging books scattered about trying to dry out.

Rocky is guarding his box of dog snacks like he's afraid I still don't believe him about the source of the water but both of us have recently been making wide berths around Psycho-Bird (my parakeet). Last week while I was at work the maintenance guys brought in a large industrial strength fan to hopefully dry out the carpet. Well.....they apparently didn't notice Psycho-Bird perched ever so watchfully (he's absolutely convinced he's some kind of hawk or eagle and not a couple of ounces of budgie)in his cage. Psycho-Bird was put directly in the line of fire in front of this wind tunnel of a fan. When I walked in the door that first night....let me tell you....it wasn't a pretty sight my eyes beheld. Rocky was standing right inside the front door and was trying to signal me with his terror filled eyes to be very, very wary of Pscho-Bird...." "I've been trapped in this house all day with the likes of that THING in the cage!"

I cautiously approach the cage not sure what it is I'm seeing.....Perched atop the swing in the cage was this fluff of what I can only call a "Retro-punk feather-do" and with wings throw out and back in a permanent flight position. Out of this mass of tornado blown feathers peered these two black beady little eyes in which I got a very loud and clear message....."If you think Alfred Hitchcock's birds were bad to the bone, then lady you don't want to come anywhere near me. I'm telling you now."

I backed up ever so slowly nearly tripping backwards over Rocky who was trembling behind me for protection. I grabbed Rocky by the collar and whispered instruction to him (I didn't want to set Psycho-Bird off with any sudden noises) to step slowly away from the cage and toward the fan so we could either move it or unplug the darn thing.....

So here it is a whole week and and a weekend of a major clean up operation.....and my apartment now smells like a mixture of Lysol, vinegear and bleach with an ever so faint damp smell. Psycho-Bird has almost gotten his wings completely down to his sides again and his feather do is back to the slicked-back look but Rocky and I aren't taking any chances. Like I said....we're both taking the long route around the cage:-)

To start off...the last time I purchased a vacuum cleaner was approximately 16 years ago. The aforementioned machine was the most recent casualty from my apartment flooding.
After vacuuming the very damp carpet a few times since the flood, this weekend my poor old workhorse of a cleaner decided to give up the ghost. I pulled the cleaner out and started to vacuum when a little plastic part flew out from underneath, then it kind of wheezed, another bit of plastic was deposited on the floor, some more wheezing, the fan belt snapped, the vacuum coughed out a cloud of dust from the back of the sweeper bag then it gave a small painful whine and died. My poor vacuum was too old to handle the sweeping of a damp carpet. When the vacuum was in it's death throes, Pschyo-Bird immediately hopped

over to the nearest end of his cage eyeing this machine with a great deal of mistrust (and eyeing me with a great deal of disdain). Rocky had dashed off to the other room (presumably to hide lest the vacuum attacked him with it's strange contortions). I swear Psycho-Bird in his vulture-like posture chirped after Rocky....."You Chicken!"

I went to move my vacuum to check underneath when the handle came off in my hand. At that point I grapped my purse and the car keys and shouted to Rocky cowarding in the other room (I didn't say anything to Psycho-Bird as I didn't like the look in his eyes)...."I'm going vacuum cleaner shopping. I be back."....whereas I left the dead carcass of my vacuum laying in the middle of the living room floor and went out the door....

Part II coming up - "Vacuum Cleaner Shopping....Or how I figured out I wasn't buying a race car to enter in the Indy 500."

So I was heading to the major chain store (who's name I will not mention as I only shop there if I absolutely have to....the majority of the time I boycott it) to shop for a new vacuum cleaner. Now bear in mind I had not bought a new VC in 16 years.

I headed down the aisle where the VC's are located and stopped short. There before me were boxes and boxes of different shapes and sizes of vacuum cleaners. Words flashed before my eyes like Turbo Engine!, Hepa Filter!and Self Propelled!!!! My goodness.....Was I shopping for a vacuum cleaner here or was I shopping for a high performance race car? Was I even in the right store? All I wanted was a simple vacuum that would sweep my carpet. That's it. Period. End of discussion......Then my eyes fell upon a comforting word....."HOOVER". Hey I knew that word! I knew it was a vacuum cleaner. I had always owned Hoovers as my mother before me and I think her mother before her. I stumbled toward the box with my arms outstretched....gave the box a hug and kissed it like a old friend as I mumbled "Hoover. Hoover. Hoover"...over and over again. Well I snatched that baby up, headed toward the check out, handed my money over in a trance-like state and he3aded home with my NEW HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER.

When I walked in the door lugging the box in behind me I didn't like the look on Psycho-Bird's feathered face and I smelled trouble in the air.....or was that just the smell of my old vacuum still lying quite dead in the middle of the living room floor.

To be continued....

Well now where were we....Oh yes, I had just brought the new vacuum cleaner box in the house. Let me set the stage here and create the atmosphere of how things were that afternoon when I tried to assemble my spanking new cleaner and use it for the first time.

Now Psycho-Bird's cage is located in a very prominent spot in the living room (come on now would it be any other way). He sits atop a bookshelve where he can easily survey his domain and make sure that every time Rocky walks by he can terrify the living daylights out of him by squawking up a storm. I swear he gets this evil little beak grin on his teenie tiny face when Rocky jumps in fright.

Rocky's job every time something new comes into the house is to sniff it out to determine whether the new addtion is friend or foe then promptly plops himself down on or near the particular object.

So there I am sitting in the middle of the floor, Psycho-Bird peering down at me with utter contempt (he's still peeved about the last thing that had arrived in the house which almost blew him to Kansas - that cursed superfan which rearranged his feather-do)and Rocky layed out nearby since he figured the box was harmless enough (little did he know.....).

Ok now where were we.....Oh yes, Rocky laying contently on the floor beside me and Psycho-Bird giving me the evil eye high atop his perch.

Next step to getting to use my brand new HOOVER vacuum cleaner was to take the thing out of the box and put it together. No problem....as I seem to recall with my last vacuum all I had to do was snap the handle onto the base of the cleaner and in no time flat I could get swept away. EASY as 1-2-3....Try as HARD as saying the alphabet backwards while standing on your head eating soda crackers (Don't laugh...I tried it once as a kid).

I open the box and start taking out the pieces....and pieces....and pieces....and.... Well you get the idea. By this time Psycho-Bird is bobbing his little head up and down in rather a vigorous manner with an occassional weave over to his bell to ring it (someday I'll have to tell all of you the story of that darn bell and Psycho-Bird utilizing it like he's lord of the manor). I have about eighteen parts scattered about the floor not counting all the little pieces that came with it. Why is it that the Owner's Manual is always located at the very bottom of the box and everything must be taken out first (including that strange little packet filled with something or other which is included in every box)before you can get at it.

So this isn't a piece of cake but I'm determined I'll have this vacuum together come 'he*ll or highwater' (you do recall why I had to buy a new vacuum in the first place). Rocky's no help though expect in maybe keeping some of the scattered parts warm as he is laying atop and among the debris field of parts and Psycho-Bird is about ready to launch into one of his squawking temper tantrums....

I opened the first page of the manual with all the warnings printed out in bright red lettering. Ok so I wish someone would explain this one to

me - Do not put any objects into openings including dust, lint, hair or anything that may reduce airflow. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that what a vacuum cleaner IS supposed to pick up! Oh well....So I continue onto the easy assembly page (Easy assembly if you're a rocket scientist with several PHD's behind your name). Now if you would kindly indulge me I would like to talk at length about a certain little red tab.....Note: The small red tab located just above other red tab may fall off during shipping. What! Fall off! Is this a good or a bad thing? Which red tab is it? Which end is above and which is below? Ok I'm panicky now. Whoa!!! Wait a minute....three pages later (did I mention the manual is 32 pages long)....Small red tab is for shipping purposes only. If tab has not fallen off it will be removed during the final steps of the assembly. Why oh why could they have not put that little tidbit of information on the same page where it first talk about this stupid red tab falling off. No that's too simple.

Little by little I figured out what goes where including the red tab. At this point Psycho-Bird has pitched in with a cresendo of chirpy comments that I could really do without.....so naturally I turn to him with the little red tab in my sweaty palm as I blow a strand of loose hair out my eyes and utter in a rather clipped but very controlled hiss...."If you don't shut up right now I know exactly where this little red tab is going to go and it's not going to fall off during shipping." Psycho-Bird hrmffff's his beak in the air, puffs his feathers out and and glares at me with the "We are not amused" look on his face.....but he does shut up.....the feathers do stay puffed out though. He's not backing down completely.

To be continued....

I believe I heard a distinct snicker behind me coming from somewhere in the vicinity of where Rocky was laying when I was having my red tab insertion dialogue with Pschyo-Bird.

So there I was (2 hours later)...standing proudly beside my newly assembled HOOVER Vacuum Cleaner with Turbo engine and Hepa Filter. It was sitting atop this 5X7 area rug I have in the living room, Rocky was sprawled close by on the rug with his bushy tail (Rocky's part collie or sheltie so he has that type of tail) spread out close to the vacuum. Psycho-Bird was peering down from his perch with a look of righteous indignation on his face but still wanted to make sure he was part of any action that might take place.

"Ok Boys....Whata ya say we take this baby for a test drive." Rocky opened one eye, stretched a little then went right back to snoozing. Psycho-Bird edged a little closer to the edge of his cage promptly poking his beak out between the bars. All was right with the world....or so I thought.

Before I continue I'm just going to insert a little reminder into the story. Now as you all recall my old vacuum cleaner was 16 years old and over time and endless sweepings, a vacuum tends to get a little clogged with built up dirt and gunk (not that it doesn't still sweep ok)and thus the power starts to deteriorate a bit....OK a lot. My old vacuum was so powerless that there were times I would have to sweep back and forth over a piece of lint or thread at least a dozen times before it would pick it up ...and that's after bending over, picking up the item in question, inspect it, then throw it back down on the carpet to try to sweep it up again....And don't tell me none of you haven't done that little manuver before. Come on let me see a show of hands....Yep just what I thought. I'm not the only one....

What happened next.....Happened as fast "as two shakes of a lamb's tail"...or in this case "two shakes of Rocky's tail".

Psycho-Bird is poised at the very front of his cage, his face peeking through the bars and Rocky is stretched out on his belly on the area rug when I flip the go switch to my new HOOVER.....

AND WE HAD LIFTOFF....Literally!

The vacuum almost instantaneously started sucking up any dirt on the area rug, the area rug and small furry creature's tails that happened to be in the vicinity.

Rocky didn't even have time to yelp as he was being pulled into the HOOVER tail end first. His claws instinctively dug into the area rug to find some kind of purchase to save himself from being HOOVERIZED but the rug under him was being sucked in too.(This same vacuum that stated in the Owner's Manual not to put any objects into openings including dust, lint, hair or anything that may reduce airflow. It didn't mention anything about household pets which I have now found out is fair game.)

I grabbed for the off switch as quick as I could before I ended up with nothing but a few small hair balls for a pet.
In my fumbling haste to switch the HOOVER monster off, I instead knocked it over. This gave Rocky just enough of a window to extract himself from the vacuum's lessening suction on him. He made a mad frenzied dash in the direction of the bathroom.

Unfortunately in my haste to save my dog, I had tipped the vacuum over and the suction end was aimed right at Psycho-Bird's cage. In that instant I swear I saw Psycho-Bird being sucked through the bars of his cage as I looked on in horror! Oh no...I'm in deep doo-doo now.

I finally grabbed the handle of the vacuum, fumbled for the switch and cut off the power to this house eating vacuum. When I was leaning down over the vacuum, I know I heard an audible thump in Psycho- Bird's cage...like something hitting the bottom of it hard and mean. Oh I would give anything in the world if I didn't have to look up to find out what cause that noise.

Well....it was either look up or decide I was going to spend eternity rooted to the spot in the middle of my living room. I was seriously thinking standing for all eternity in one spot might not be so bad.....when a split second later the most furious squawks, chirps and chatters came forth from the cage. Anyone ever hear a bird swear? What was spewing forth from Psycho-Bird's mouth would be enough to make a sailor blush even if it was the language of the bird.

OK...OK ...so I screwed up my courage (or at least a little of it), looked up at Psycho-Bird to make sure he was at least ok and made the same mad dash that Rocky took in the direction of the bathroom.

When I reached the bathroom I saw the shower curtain shaking ever so slightly. I pulled it aside and there was Rocky cowering in the corner of the bathtub. By the look on his face I don't think he was hiding there because of his encounter with the vacuum and almost being HOOVERIZED but what he was hearing coming from the bird cage. He looked up at me as if to say "Come on in Lady...There's room enough in here for both of us 'cause I think you're on Psycho-Bird's hit list.

To be continued....

Now I'm not going to tell you whether I hid out in the bathtub with Rocky or not.....but I will say sometime later that day I got in my truck, headed back to the store and bought a GIANT-size bag of millet seeds, brought it home and extended it to Psycho-Bird in the form of a peace offering. Psycho-Bird still had this rather pinched in look on his feathered face with cage bar imprints on either side and I swear he looked a little thinner like he had been pressed or squeezed flat. All I can say is Psycho-Bird has come to the conclusion that the world sucks and I'm the main reason why it does. PS - He getting quite fat now on the millet seeds.

Now I have to go out and buy a new space heater for the upcoming winter. Hmmmm....I wonder if I should tell Psycho-Bird. On second thought I think I'll keep it to myself.

Late last night Rocky and I had a rather up close and personal encounter with what I thought was a 747 diving bombing us.....which turned out to be a HUGE Barred owl. I'm not sure if there's a story somewhere in this or not but I can tell you early this morning I was still trying to entice Rocky out of the bathtub:-)