I found out why his oldest daughter had been so difficult, and it wasn't because she was a spoiled "brat". She has a hard edge and that hard edge is thanks to Dad.

On a Saturday this spring, I received a phone call from a woman. She told me she had been having an affair with my dh for several months (she lives out of town). He travels for business and she gave me details that fit and I knew she was telling me the truth. She told me they kept in touch by text-messaging. I didn't even know he knew how to text. Her parting shot was "I guarantee you there are others". She was very angry with him. He must have made her promises he didn't live up to.

DH wasn't at home when she called. When he arrived home, I confronted him. He confessed. I got online and went through the text messages and found I couldn't see what was written but I could see the history. I saw another phone number from a different city that kept showing up and sure enough, it was another woman he was also carrying on with.

Mind you, just weeks before this happened, I told my Mom that I was so lucky because I knew where he was every night (watching TV at home). I had no reason to believe he was misbehaving when he was out of town. I completely trusted him.

Then came the realization that he had lied to me about the reason for his divorce from his first wife. Since he was in a "confessing" mood, I asked and he confirmed he was the guilty party in that situation, too.

He begged me to stay with him and try to make our marriage work. I couldn't do it. I never even considered that we could make it work after he deceived me (from the very beginning) and then he betrayed me by cheating on me with multiple TOW's.

We are no longer married. He's still trying to talk me into giving him another chance but there is just no way. I've gone through it all - shock, anger, self-pity, despair and now I am reaching acceptance that I did what I had to do to take care of ME by divorcing him. It is not about punishing him but it is about me having my OWN life, separate from him and his lies. I can say that I am very much enjoying being back in the driver's seat of my life.

I have talked to his ex numerous times since then. She has been very supportive because she went through the exact same thing with him - over and over. He is a serial cheater and I think our ability to talk to one another helps us both. I think he is just a real wolf in sheep's skin and she thinks he is a great guy. She still loves him, but she did have two children with him and spent most of her life with him. I didn't.

I also spoke to his oldest daughter. She cried on the phone. I felt very sorry for her. She has been hurt so badly by what he did to her Mom and to their family. She loves her Dad but she hates him, too and I think she was more aware of his cheating than her little sister.

I asked both the ex and the oldest daughter why they didn't say anything to me about his infidelity with the ex (I had no idea) and they both replied that they assumed that I knew.

As for the youngest adult daughter, she calls me frequently and we get together. She told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend and her Mom is very supportive of us being friends. I would never say anything bad about her Dad to her (or her sister). We just talk girl talk and I do love her.

The points I am trying to make is never assume the wife knows. She is often the last to find out her husband is cheating. And never assume a man has told his spouse-to-be the truth about his past.

Also, beware of the recently divorced man who pushes you into marriage. There are reasons for this. First of all, if he is recently divorced and looking for a serious relationship, he can't possibly be over his marriage and divorce. If he acts like he is, something is very wrong with the picture.

If there is a hostile child (or adult child), the reason may not be BM. The reason may be that the child is in conflict (love-hate) with Dad because of something Dad did.

The other reasons the man may want to push the marriage issue quickly is 1. Financial 2. To try to remedy his image or help him with a bad family/child situation 3. He is afraid to be alone.

I learned a huge lesson. I can relate to Christie Brinkley when she says she will never marry again. Never is a long, long time, but if I ever marry again, it will not be to a recently divorced man and I will have a prenuptual agreement and I will keep my finances separate from his.

In spite of what happened to me, I still believe in love and I still believe in marriage - with the right person. I hope my Mom is still alive for many years to come. If I meet someone and introduce her to him, I will LISTEN to what she has to say. I will never let a man rush me again.

I'm technically not in a "step" situation any more but I'd like to continue to read and post. I may be able to offer a very different and hopefully helpful point of view.

June, I wish you the best of luck.

As to reading public records of divorce, many will just say irreconible differences. When my Xs SO told my DD that I, yes I, had cheated, my DD slapped her and ran out.

When DD came home, i told her hitting is never a good idea. You should just tell the person the issue, which would be that DD always knew where I was when Dad was out with her. After that exchange, X has kept DD away from his SO. Draw your own conclusions.

Thanks, KKNY.

SO/TOW sounds like a piece of work. She deserved to be smacked for saying that to your daughter. Especially when she was the TOW! It says a lot about her as a person.

Even after what my former husband did to me, I never have and I never will tell his daughters or his ex wife that he told me that his ex had affairs. The only thing I have told them is that he did not tell me that he cheated on her.

I don't see any point in letting them know about the big lie he told me about her. The oldest daughter might come unglued, she is so upset with him. The youngest daughter would be destroyed because she tries to forget about what he did to her Mom and their family. And his ex still cares for him. Not romantically, but she does still love him, which says a lot about how big her heart is. I think that would really hurt her.

He's probably out there right now telling new women he meets that both of his exes cheated on him and golly gee shucks, he has had such terrible luck with wives.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. His ex gave him three chances when he cheated and he always ended up doing it to her again. I did the right thing by getting a divorce the minute I found out what he was all about.

This man sounds like my son's father. He had numerous affairs when we were married but I only found out after he left me for the woman that he is married to now. They separate every few years for him to explore his options but I think that he goes back for financial reasons or some reasons that I haven't quite figured out because all I ever hear about it how much s*** he puts up with from her and how miserable he is. He just recently returned after one of his six week separations. I do not understand why she puts up with what she does instead of trying to get him to promise to change and go through counseling every couple of years. She has caught him numerous times and even hired a private investigator at one time to catch him. Then they start counseling again which gradually tapers off as she thinks that life is perfect and he will never cheat on her again only to be shocked that after a year or so he walks out again. I do not understand the shock at all because he has done it so often and frequently but she seems to always act like they had this perfect relationship and she does not know where his leaving/cheating is coming from. I guess that the lies that he tells her are so convincing that she believes him or she has some serious denial issues. But how many times do you listen to the BS before you realize that it is just that???

She used to want to talk to me about him but would never admit to me about the affairs only that life was perfect and with no explanation walked out. I guess because I am the ex or something--she has always acted a little threatened by me but I know that I would not want the life that she is living with him. I figure he truly did me a favor even though I hate to see what my son goes through but I at least know that is on him and not because of me. I have always heard through my son about the cheating and affairs (yes, they seem to tell a teenager about it like it is a funny story???) and at one time I got a phone call from someone with the name and workplace of a woman that he was having an affair with. But whenever they split, she used to want to talk to me. I guess because I used to live with him myself but I would only get a fairy tale version of the truth. I finally this last time realized that I could not listen to her cry about him not taking his vows seriously and honoring them when she was one of the women sleeping with him when we were married. I am beginning to wonder if I made the right decision because now things have become so twisted after I told her exactly what I thought of both of them but I am living with my decision and moving on. I am not sure that I totally believe her version of what happened so many years ago and that she believed that we were separated at the time they got together but I figure that he probably lied in order to justify moving on with her so quickly or maybe she wanted him so badly that it didn't matter. Our divorce was final on a Tuesday and they were married the same week on Saturday as she was already six months pregnant.

I think that you were wise to get out when you found out. I still have a lot of resentment toward my ex and TOW that I thought that I had worked through but lately it has come back full force with this last little episode of his and I am working through it all over again. But I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. I can see that your ex and mine will never change.

June, I'm so sorry you went through this, but I'm glad you posted.

It reminds me of something I heard this week:

"Every seduction is rape".

When someone sweeps you off your feet, pushes for immediate & heavy emotional involvement or bonding, pushes for commitment...
that person is likely a predator & you're his prey.

He's targeted you as a victim, manipulating your feelings to put stars in your eyes (ie, blind you to what he's really doing) so that he can abuse you, get his hands on your resources (& remember, for some guys, young children are resources), make a fool of you, use you up, bleed you dry.

Girls & women bond so quickly & so profoundly with a man once we've slept with him that it's *the* tactic that pimps use to bond girls to them.

Once a girl has had sex with him, he can tell her the most unbelieveable things & she'll believe him, & he can treat her appallingly & she'll beg him to give her another chance to make him happy.

"Every seduction is rape".

If a man really is real, & he really does love you & want the best for you, he won't try to con you into thinking he's perfect, & he won't push you into making lifelong commitments when your head is whirling & you're in that "in-love" euphoria.

Whenever some guy seems absolutely perfect & he loves us to pieces & he wants to fly us to Paris to get married at the Eiffel Tower 2 weeks after our first date, we'd do well to sober up & remember 3 things:

1. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is,
2. Commitments shouldn't be made when we're drunk, on alcohol or on love, &
3. Pursuit is a predatory behavior.

Listen to yo mommas.

& if you no longer have your mother, or you don't have a functioning mother, listen to your friends, especially the male ones:

just as we women often can see through manipulative females that twist men around their little fingers (anybody ever heard "oh, you're just jealous because all the guys like her"???), guys often can see through the manipulative males who can fool us women.

June, Feel so bad about what happened to you, but I have to say, you seem so healthy about the way you are regrouping...No bitterness or spite, that is so admirable....I know I would be an angry raging mess...Good for you for the way you handled this terrible situation....Mark of your character , for sure The best as you move to the future......

I am sorry to hear about what happened, but at least you found out before you wasted a couple of decades with him.

"The points I am trying to make is never assume the wife knows. She is often the last to find out her husband is cheating. And never assume a man has told his spouse-to-be the truth about his past."

That is all so true.

Almoststepmom, no, I don't think they ever will change. It is too bad that we had to get dragged through their mess.

Dotz, thank you. I guess you never really know how you will handle something until you are faced with it. I'm probably just too stubborn to let what he did define me as a person. What is the old saying - that which doesn't kill you makes you a better person? That is my goal.

TOS, thank you. I know it would be much, much more difficult if I had spent more years with him and had children with him.

It is true, the wife is usually the last to know. I've been "educated" in a way I could have done without, but I hope I am able to one day trust another man. But I am not going to take what he tells me about his past and his character as the gospel truth and the relationship will progress on my timeframe, not his.

June, thank you for posting this.

I could very well be your oldest former stepdaughter from what you described of her in a family situation. Outside of my family, I'm much different.

My father and his women, no offense to you at all please, have all had an affect on my life. Often it is overlooked what a child goes through with a father like this.