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(Hypothetically) You Have No Burner, And You Must Cook.

10 months ago
last modified: 10 months ago

Okay, I was trying too hard to pay titular homage to Harlan*** so let me be a bit clearer.

Let us assume you have no big-BTU burner, no hot grill or big griddle, no charbroiler, basically no way to cook food at high temps over any exposed source of heat.

This sounds so horrible to me that it is difficult to even write such words. What, I can’t fill my lungs with combustion byproducts, heat my wok to smoking hot, and launch a boiling mushroom cloud of oily flame and greasy smoke skyward?! Is it even possible to feed oneself under such wretched conditions?

But some, undoubtedly very sad and malnourished, people do live and, kind of, eat this way, right? Like, say, the French?

So here is the setup. Your kitchen has lots of cooking appliances. You have convection ovens, steam ovens, speed ovens, sous vide circulators, pressure cookers, toaster ovens, air fryers, water boilers and steamers, and so on. BUT only things that cook in a contained, enclosed space with no smoke, at least not if properly used. All electric. No burner, no griddle, no grill, no evil gaz.

Would you feel restricted in what you can cook? How, how much, or not at all?

Suppose you were also permitted the feeblest of hotplates and a small non-stick omelette pan. Let’s really cut loose and assume the wardens allow you a little creme bruleé torch too. Now, do you feel at all constrained?

The reason I ask is that I was leafing through the recipes in that most excellent cookbook, the “La Boulange: Cafe Cooking At Home”, looked up at my kitchen’s rather giant commercial grease hood, and realized that almost every one of those dishes could be made without the slightest need for that hood, or indeed any vent hood at all.

And this made me think that perhaps DD’s cafe kitchen could be built out without such a hood or the associated 1500 cfm blower, heated/airconditioned rooftop makeup air unit, professionally welded ducting, air balance engineering calculations, automatic Halon fire suppression, and thus without the potential $50,000 pricing for same.

I hesitantly ran this idea by DD who scornfully referred me to the “Gardner Museum Cafe Cookbook” and similar proof that a real cook doesn’t need roaring flame to make great food. She may have sneered something about Neanderthals.

Chastened, I come here to ask: is that true? You are not permitted to make smoke or greasy vapor, or exhaust same, or burn gas - would that cramp your style at ALL?

*** ”I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison, 1967)

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