I once knew a popular girl in high school (16) who also dated a 23 year old. Then one day she told us she was getting married and Friday was her last day of school(at 16)! We never saw her again. As we graduated and moved on with our lives, every once in a while I would wonder why she was in such a hurry to grow up and how she missed so, so much. Those years were so much fun, especially into the 20's... and I imagined her at 16 living the life of everyone else's mom...doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. I don't not know if she had kids right away of not. I imagine they lived in some dumpy place because they were too young to have any money, and since she never graduated, I do not imagine that there were any great job offers coming her way. I also imagine at some point she looked back and was furious at her parents for letting her do this, and not stopping her. She had so much going for her, and settled for so little.

I'd hesitate to jump to the conclusion that this child truly has 'psychiatric problems' when the doctor supposedly prescribed pills after a 15 minute visit and mom doesn't think it's important enough to send any pills with her to dads. What is the 'diagnosis'? What are the pills? She does sound like she could have a psychiatric problem, but she could also be manipulating the hell outta both her parents and as long as her mom goes along with her antics, she is going to continue to behave this way. If she does have a psychiatric problem, her mother is a contributing factor and nobody, not a step parent or other children in the house (related or not) should have to be subjected to abuse from a child. To turn this into a debate on whether spanking is or isn't acceptable, well corporal punishment is a matter of personal choice. I agree that spanking is not the same as beating. I was spanked on a few occasions (so few, I probably remember every time and I deserved each one). I'm not advocating it, but I don't think it leaves a permanent scar or trauma to get a swat. It works for short term results so I don't think repeatedly spanking for the same infraction works. But, I also think that when you have allowed a child to go too far, it's much harder to rein them back in to behave than if you set the boundaries up front and keep them from crossing them. Pseudo's SD has learned that she is going to get her way by throwing tantrums and making everyone's life hell. She has mom wrapped around her finger to defend her use of the phone. If mom realizes that she is actually making her daughter's living situation worse by doing this, or SD realizes that dad & pseudo are not going to give in to her, then maybe there would be an opportunity for change. Honestly, I think it's going to take for all the grown ups to sit down together and talk. If mom is trying to use her daughter to run off BF, then she needs to be told that what she is doing is hurting her child. If you (pseudo) and dad talk to mom and make this about the child, not about blaming mom for her part in it, them maybe mom would be more receptive to listen. If mom understands that when SD has these meltdowns, she is missing out on fun with the other kids and family. If mom hears that SD is spending most of her time crying or upset and on the phone with her, etc. instead of playing or having fun, then maybe mom might see things differently. Dad needs to bring the issue to mom in a way of saying "look, our daughter is suffering and we need to come together and find a solution to this." When mom thinks this is about SD pissing off SM, then she seems to be on board with SD. If mom thinks it's about SM and Dad blaming her for taking her daughter's calls, she gets defensive, thinking she's only doing what any good mother does (making herself available to her distressed child) and continues to play the game. But, if she is asked in a sincere way to help in finding a solution to her daughter's problems, then she might change her tune. I might even point out to her that this isn't just affecting her daughter's home life, it affects her social life. How is she going to make friends (or keep them) if she can't get along or if she throws fits when she doesn't get her way? Does if affect her learning? What other problems is she going to have as she gets older? That needs to be the focus when talking to mom. At 9 years old, she's too old to start spanking. I think a swat when they are under 5-6 might work to get a point across, but they should have learned by 7 or 8 what is or isn't acceptable. Most kids will test boundaries anyways, just to see if you will give in or they figure out when you are too tired or stressed to stick with it. Teenagers are notorious for it and even my grown kids try to get over on a thing or two.

Oh yuck!... I think you're very wise to be so concerned and I'll keep my fingers crossed for a mild ride... In my book, social drinking with friends at parties at age 18 is within the "normal" range of teenage activities, but having empty bottles rolling around inside drawers and rum-filled soda cans is "problem" behavior. Not to mention the knife! Drinking alone in her room and having empty bottles hidden are both signs of a possibly serious problem. I imagine you're aware that a vulnerability to substance addiction is an inherited trait? And that with alcoholism on both sides of her biological family tree, your SD is very vulnerable to alcoholism? Is this a point that was brought home to her in the strongest possible terms? Seems every 18 year old knows that they personally are invincible -- but the stats show otherwise... Al-Anon is a great place to get more information. I can't imagine a better group of people to help you and your DH sort out just how big of a problem this is likely to be at this stage -- Is it something you will be likely able to handle on your own with guidance and discipline? Or is rehab called for? (I can't see rehab actually working until your SD believes she has a problem that is beyond her own ability to control.) And what type of interventions and control strategies to they advocate? It's good your DH took the car plates away, but at some point, she'll probably get to drive again. When I was a teenager, my parents had a policy that turned out to be very effective at helping me learn to set my own limits. I had a curfew, and the house rule was that when I came in, I had to wake up Mom and spend a few minutes talking with her about where I had gone and what I had done (though they always knew where I was going in advance also.) That simple late-night conversation was enough to assure my mom that when I came in, it would be on time, and that I wouldn't be so drunk that I couldn't pass the 'coherent conversation' test. That didn't stop me entirely from underage drinking, but it did prevent me from underage OVER-drinking. It might be something to consider if you conclude your SD's drinking may be controllable.

I'd let him do it. He'll learn a lot also from it. when I was young (about 9) my older sister 'babysat' the girl across the street in the summer while her parents were at work. She was probably 12-14 yrs old (my sister was probably 13 or so). 'S' was mentally disadvantaged for sure. However, she could get herself around and did - and often played with those of us a bit younger. Her parents needed someone there with her tho - to be sure she'd be safe, fix her lunch and check on her off 'n on. My sister mostly watched some tv, fixed lunch, made sure 'S' came in to eat and checked every 30 min or so to be sure she was within hearing distance, kept misc kids from coming into the house (unsupervised) and answering the phone and door. When 'S' was outside with us we all kept an eye on her. She had a small playhouse in her backyard and we often played cops 'n robbers there. or cowboys and Indians. her playhouse was the sheriff's office and we'd run around arresting / capturing each other. we had our cap guns and holsters to wear and someone got to wear the badge! we expended a lot of energy doing that and 'S' got a good amount of exercise those days. My sister would call her in for lunch and to rest in the afternoon. It was a great summer job for my sister who was in her 1st yr of HS. This sounds like a good opportunity for your son and the younger boy - and the mom. She gets some time freed up, the younger boy gets a different (younger) 'playmate' and your son will make a bit of $s while learning about those with disabilities which will be beneficial as he grows up. Even tho there's an age difference, it could make for a life long friendship. I have friends who are 10 or more yrs older, and some who are 10-20 yrs younger than I am. When I was 40 I had a 20 yr old (young) girl for a housemate for maybe 2 yrs. We became fast friends and I consider her part of my family. you might start with 2-3 afternoons a week to see how it goes for all of them.