Yeah........... I would not want to grow up knowing my mother had to pay someone to be my friend. Your son will either like him or not like him and he should do so on his own.

That is a fabulous experience for your son and there's nothing wrong with him taking some money for it. My guess is that perhaps down the road he won't want to take the money but let him decide that. Sounds like a win win for both boys. Too bad that mom feels she has to do it this way though. Your son without evening knowing it or working at it may be able to help her as well.

This is a tough one. Does your child like playing with him, or would that amount of play time be a struggle?

Maybe as a sort of compromise the mom could spend that money on really fun things for them to do together during the summer, instead of paying your child directly. I don't know what restrictions there might be but movies, water parks, squirt guns, water balloon fights, things like that. That way everyone would benefit without feeling like it's buying friendship.

I should explain.....she isn't looking for a friend. Despite the age difference, the boys get along very well and basically are friends. Her goal is more to give herself some time to do other things at home, while having someone else play with legos, board games, etc. that most 6 yr olds enjoy.

He is confined to a wheel chair which makes some activities impossible.

Isn't that rather like babysitting? That's quite an age difference for them to be peers/friends/buddies. I think it sounds productive and appropriate for all. Just my two cents.

Oh boy tough call. I think if you sat down with the mom and discussed the actual terms that you would use and a formal job description. (I don't mean a long elaborate one but rather a one sentence for when the kids do question) and be on the same page with the same terms.

A lot of people use paid companions for children or teenagers and even as adults.

Don't call him a friend but rather a care-companion to offer him company during the summer as an example. others will come up with better descriptions.

The one thing i would make sure of is that there is always an adult on the premises.

maire_cate, thank you, That's it Mother's Helper. She will always be present, but instead of watching a movie with her son, she can be baking or cleaning or just relaxing.

I agree about the job title being "Mother's Helper". I think that would make everybody more comfortable (including other kids who certainly will find out about it) and I think it is a nice job for an 11 y/o and quite appropriate for him to spend time with the younger boy - as long as your son feels okay about it. Personally, I would present it to your son as a Mother's Helper job and then mention that the best help for this Mom right now is to help out with her son to give her some free time.

I believe that it really depends on the highly individual situation. I have neighbors and friends (multiple families) who pay caretakers to spend time with their elderly parents. The caretakers play cards, take them shopping, listen to their stories of the old days, walk with them, etc. Would someone say that if the elderly person didn't make the friend on their own, that it's not worthwhile and valuable? I'm not sure that's very different from the situation at hand.

What are the deficits of the local 6 year old boy? Are they social/emotional deficits, or physical? The 6 year old doesn't need to have ANY idea that your kiddo is being paid. And the money doesn't have to be a lot, either.

Your son, 10 years old, is not likely at all to be "friends" with a 6 year old neighbor--on his own, and in the normal course of events. This to me, is more of a mother's helper type of situation, probably, and seems fine and a great idea.

I want to add something else, which may or may not be relevant. As a very involved parent of kids in public schools, there are lots of kids around who have social issues. Their parents don't get them involved in play groups or many activities, and some kids just struggle to make friends. If parents don't get involved early, and help these kids figure out social connections, then how is it supposed to happen? Not every kid is equipped to figure out the friend-thing on their own!! Public schools offer very little help at all. Kids who grow up feeling isolated, having had rare and uncomfortable social interactions/friendships, etc., are at a distinct disadvantage as the years go by. As parents, I feel we have a responsibility to help our children overcome their deficits and lack of natural ability to co-exist socially and emotionally with other people.

The 6 year-old's parent may feel this effort is worth a try. I applaud the parent for trying something new. It may or may not work out in the long run, but your kiddo may find that compassion is rewarding, whether or not he is being paid, but the money helps the continuity for the younger kid, and teaches responsibility for the older kid.

If your kid has the time to spare, I think this is a good opportunity for him to learn about helping others less fortunate than he is. I'd limit the hours (maybe a few hours at a time, not more than a few times a week) and suggest to the mother that a gift every now and then would be fine but not hourly pay.

Oh, yes that's a little different. I agree about phrasing it more about helping the mom and less about watching and playing with the child. I think under these circumstances it's a nice thing to do.

This sounds like a situation where both boys could really benefit - the 6 year old by having a companion from whom he can learn social skills and spend time with and your son by learning empathy, how to interact with people who have challenges and to not feel uncomfortable around those who are different from him.

I wouldn't make a big deal about the circumstances of the job; maybe think of it as babysitting. If your son was offered a summer job watching a six year old who didn't have any disabilities, would you be having these reservations?

I do think several days a week is too much for an 11 year old. He needs to have time to do his own thing during his summer break. Maybe one or two days a week would be enough.

You could give it a trial run and if it doesn't work out, you tried. If it does work out, it's a win for everyone involved.

Toughie. Is 11 YO mature enough to understand that as a sitter or mom’s helper, he can’t just walk away when he’s bored?

The suggestion of a detailed dialogue between Moms is excellent, and even then, this can go south fast.

The jobs that I envision for an 11 YO are weeding an “easy” garden bed, feeding and walking pets. Otherwise, I think they should play so hard they snore at night, ha

I wonder what happens when the 11yr.old tires of being a companion, esp. when there is something really special he wants to do with other friends,etc. If he is mature enough not to pout and make a scene when asked to go to the home, I agree the experience will be a good thing. But then again, if it's only two or three times a week, it might give everyone some time for themselves - and the six year old.

bossy - we posted at the same time with the same mind set. : )

A six-year-old, whether disabled or not would need a babysitter. So, no need keeping it a secret. As your son gets older, he will grow into the role of a babysitter from mother's helper.

Having worked with the disabled population, I would want to know if there were anything special that would have to be addressed. I am sure the mom will fill your son in on any particulars.

A friend of mine's son was often paid to go on outings with a family so he could "hang" with their child. Win/win for everyone going to that baseball game!

Gee, Bossy, I have a 10 y/o grandson and an 11 y/o granddaughter (cousins, not siblings) and feel that they each would be mature enough to understand this responsibility and not just walk away when they got bored. I feel very sure that they would understand this is not a game. Both of my grands already do more than just easy weeding and taking care of pets and imho would be capable of this kind of job. I do agree however that things could possibly 'go south' and maybe just not work out. But that is the same with anything for kids trying something for the first time.

Wow,,,,all I can think of is the 6-year old (who you say, already has some problems) finding out that his Mom has to pay someone (who he thought

was his friend) to play with him. Poor little guy. Elmer has a good idea

about the every now and then gift. Please, please...do not tell your son

what the Mom wanted to do.

My daughters kids are 1,2,and 3. She hires the 14 year old neighbor girl to be a mother's helper. My daughter is always there but does some chore/project around the house. The girl just plays with the kids. The times are always prearranged.

I didn't read all the responses but it sounds like a sitting job in which case accepting payment is appropriate IMO. But is your son mature enough and knows the basics of sitting? There will be more involved maybe with a child in a wheelchair. I should read as I'm hoping mother will be home and this doesn't involve mother going off for groceries or any other reason.

As I mentioned, they moved here last fall leaving behind family and relatives. I am sure many of you know from personal experience, that when a child is 'housebound' more or less, they are often excluded from normal activities and thus isolated.

The few days a week is flexible and for 2 or 3 hrs at a time....again flexible.

I am mostly having a problem with the pay part not wanting DS to assume one must be paid for kind deeds. He has spent time reading, playing board games and coloring with the child on numerous occasions and the experience was positive for both and gave mom a break.

Why not refuse the pay and suggest instead that if she wished to do so at Christmas she and her son could purchase a gift for your son?

Learning to accept pay and then handling it responsibly is a necessary part of growing up - assuming this is in the US.

True, but accepting friendship without pay is just as necessary.

Lucille, that would work in some situations and not for this one. I feel my 7 and 9 yr olds would feel left out if their brother received a Christmas gift since they also interact with the neighbor's son on some level.

It sounds to me like your boy is a very kind person. Why don't you talk to him the way you've talked to us? Don't ask him to make a decision immediately, just ask him to think about it - and about the pay or not and about doing good and kind deeds for others.

If you and your son think of this as a job and not him being paid to be kind, it would make it easier to resolve your dilemma, I think. When he's on the job (helping Mom by giving her some time to do whatever she needs to do) he gets paid. It's not a kindness, it's a business arrangement.

When/if he plays with the six year old on his own time, he's being kind (but hopefully also enjoying the play time), he's not on the clock and he doesn't get paid. It would be a good lesson on teaching him to differentiate the two things.

My sister and I had older friends who were sometimes paid to watch us when our parents weren't going to be home. No one thought that they should do that out of kindness because they were helping our parents out. My sister and I knew they were being paid to babysit and neither of us got our feelings hurt over it.

He will basically be babysitting (and an 11 year old boy may not like that term OR the term Mothers Helper). I would never expect one of my kids to spend 8 hours a week without monetary compensation. An hour or two a week might be different. Would we suggest our 11 y/o daughter not get paid for babysitting?

DawninCal, you have made some very good points. I am so conflicted in making a decision and you have given me some 'food for thought.' Thank you. I have been pondering this so much, I have lost perspective.

I have an 11 year old granddaughter who would love this opportunity. She has two younger sisters and is very good with them. But, she also getting into making her own money and independence. So the experience out of the home could,be a great experience for both of them. I don’t find anything wrong with it.

I think it's a good idea and your son should get paid. My daughter babysat at 12 and of course got paid. Maybe with some of the money, he could buy something they both could enjoy playing.

What do you think your son would think? What do you think he might want to do?

Maybe you could ask him some vague questions about how he likes spending time with the 6 yo and what he would think about doing it a couple of times a week? Give yourself some ideas about how it might work for everyone before you lead in with all the information.

My own kid sometimes surprises me with ideas and thoughts about situations like this. I could see my 12 yo saying that she didn't want the commitment of making a schedule or being paid, but couldn't she just go over two days a week in the morning to spend time with the other child? Maybe your son would rather do something like that, which might serve everybody's needs?

Thinking about a summer long commitment might be a little overwhelming for kids that age- depends on the kid. At some point you will have to get a read on how he feels about it, and see what he wants to do and how that might work for the other family. I like the idea that he might go play with the kid a couple days a week and then they might give him a nice gift at some point. BUT, if your son likes to go spend time with this other kid, then I'd discourage any gifts of thanks, and let them just have a pure friendship.

I would never expect one of my kids to spend 8 hours a week without monetary compensation.

That's a good point. It is not simply a social occasion if there is a schedule and expectation that the listed hours would be covered.

Looks like a good opportunity to have a discussion with your son. What if he gets an invitation to go swimming with a friend when he is scheduled to be a helper? Discuss the possibilities with him and come to a decision that works for all concerned.

Would it be different if the child wasn't wheelchair bound? I understand all to well how others feel about taking money for spending times with my daughter. They have told me it feels wrong yet I've explained that's the kindness in their hearts making them feel its wrong. There is nothing wrong with accepting money for doing the task someone hired you to do. It would be different if mother said please tell your son to feel free to stop by any time he wants to play with Johnny but that's not how it was said. I do understand though how this would be a difficult decision considering the kids were already kinda playmates. Maybe consider only accepting money when mother asks please can you play with Johnny while I get the baking and housework done....otherwise its just play time for the two kids.

He's not being asked to be the child's "friend" and being paid for doing so - he's in fact a "mother's helper" and being paid for this time commitment is totally appropriate. Anytime one commits to time, payment is appropriate. It's not like he's volunteering at a special home or hospital - now there, payment would be inappropriate.

Last summer, my then not quite 15 year old grandson was hired to come to LA and be a mother's helper for his cousins who were then 9 and 12. He was paid to do this and they all had a great time. It allowed the mother some free time as she works from home. His aunt bought bus passes, got them maps and put apps on their phones and DGS took them all over LA - great experience in independence for them all. And he loved being paid to do this!

Thank you, Bobbi. You've received excellent advice and ideas today. One of the beautiful things about the Kitchen Table is that it's such a great resource when one is wrestling with an issue and needs some outside perspective. There are many years of combined wisdom and experience here and it's smart to ask for help in sorting out your thoughts. Let us all know what you and your son decide to do.

P.S. Your son sounds like a kind and thoughtful young man. I don't think he needs any lessons in kindness; he already knows what it is.

This is a tough call. There is a large difference between interests and capabilities between a 6 yr old boy and an 11 yr old one, and this is not a baby sitting situation either, Could the Mothers find another approach? Maybe a "play date" could be arranged for 2 days per week, or maybe the Mothers could visit each other for a few hours with their boys. A visitation for the first one or two encounters might be advised to observe how the two boys interact with each other, and then proceed from there.

An example encounter might be a hike to a park that has play equipment. This could lead to jobs for pay for the older boy such as mowing the lawn and weeding the garden.

If this is a paid baby sitting or companion situation I think it could be a very good experience for all. The 6 year old will have the interaction he needs and it’s a win for your son on several levels but most importantly, he will have an unusual opportunity to learn more about compassion and kindness which is something a lot of kids in his age group aren’t exposed to much.

Do it.

If the JOB does not become overwhelming, then I think being a Mother's Helper is good if the personalities of both children make for a good combination. I suggest you talk to your son about when and what is expected. I think being paid is fine, but I would be concerned that the job might become tiresome or eat up too many hours. Try a pilot program for a few weeks, and then discuss with your son and the mother what adaptations might be helpful, including reducing hours. This could be a growing experience for both boys.

I'd let him do it. He'll learn a lot also from it.

when I was young (about 9) my older sister 'babysat' the girl across the street in the summer while her parents were at work. She was probably 12-14 yrs old (my sister was probably 13 or so). 'S' was mentally disadvantaged for sure. However, she could get herself around and did - and often played with those of us a bit younger. Her parents needed someone there with her tho - to be sure she'd be safe, fix her lunch and check on her off 'n on. My sister mostly watched some tv, fixed lunch, made sure 'S' came in to eat and checked every 30 min or so to be sure she was within hearing distance, kept misc kids from coming into the house (unsupervised) and answering the phone and door.

When 'S' was outside with us we all kept an eye on her. She had a small playhouse in her backyard and we often played cops 'n robbers there. or cowboys and Indians. her playhouse was the sheriff's office and we'd run around arresting / capturing each other. we had our cap guns and holsters to wear and someone got to wear the badge! we expended a lot of energy doing that and 'S' got a good amount of exercise those days. My sister would call her in for lunch and to rest in the afternoon. It was a great summer job for my sister who was in her 1st yr of HS.

This sounds like a good opportunity for your son and the younger boy - and the mom. She gets some time freed up, the younger boy gets a different (younger) 'playmate' and your son will make a bit of $s while learning about those with disabilities which will be beneficial as he grows up. Even tho there's an age difference, it could make for a life long friendship. I have friends who are 10 or more yrs older, and some who are 10-20 yrs younger than I am. When I was 40 I had a 20 yr old (young) girl for a housemate for maybe 2 yrs. We became fast friends and I consider her part of my family.

you might start with 2-3 afternoons a week to see how it goes for all of them.

I like it. He will be "babysittiing" in my opinion. I did it many times with my niece... paid her to play with the kids, so I could get things done around the house. I was home but, it made it so much easier to get stuff accomplished. Go for it.

DD’s babysitter is only 4 years older than she is, and she loves her all the more for it. The babysitter is terrific and plays games, watches movies, with her etc. I see no problem with a similar paid mother’s helper situation, as long as your son is interested. What a help for the mom, and the boys will have fun, as long as they don’t tire of each other. (Several days a week might be fine if the hours aren’t long.)

Also, if possible, have the schedule done week to week. This way if your son is invited to the occasional party, or has a special school event it can be factored in.

This works both ways. Maybe next Tuesday, the 6-year-old has a dental appointment or activity on his calendar.

We had a similar situation as Fouramblues. My DD babysat for a family that had girls 5 years apart. The oldest was still not quite old enough to be left with her younger sister.

Maybe your son could relate to some of his other friends, of either of their ages or in between, so that they and the new boy would get used to one another and develop some friendships of varying intensity on their own.

That would help the new boy to feel part of the local social scene.

If he developed some new friendships, he'd feel that he'd had a great summer, I'm sure.

ole joyful

Excellent suggestion, OJ!

Thanks for all your opinions. I appreciate each and every one of them. I have come to the conclusion that this would be a good thing for all involved. We do try to include this child whenever possible. He is closest in age to my daughter. On Sunday she and her friend went to his house with some bubbles stuff we made and spent several hours visiting.

She was thinking 2 mornings / week for 3hrs. Days will be Monday and Thursday but are flexible, if either family has another commitment etc. She had mentioned an hourly rate, which I suspect will be too much. I am thinking $10 a week, but that is a lot too, but on the other hand, if it frees her up to accomplish other tasks, it really isn't that much....but still a lot for a 10yr old.

That sounds like a great plan, Bobbi. Perhaps he could put half of his earnings in a savings plan and keep the other half for spending money. It's never too early for kids to learn how to manage money.

Please, just make it certain that the boys are NOT to be left alone, I.e. mom grocery shopping, etc. The liability in the event of an injury could be overwhelming, both monetarily and/or personally. There may be a ‘legal’ age for sole care of a younger child if left alone. Younger than that could leave parent(s) legally liable.