Are there no other family members to involve? She has no siblings?

Her siblings & children use her for the money she can provide them. ie: Her sister, Patti tells me, is very poor. She lives off $1500 a month income....so Patti moved her mother into her sisters home a few weeks ago & is paying her $3K a month to care for her. Once a week Patti drives an hour to see her.

Or her 53 year old son, just moved out. He's an unemployed alcoholic with 6 dogs/ they peeded and pooped ALL over the lower level of Patti's home....and she's had to throw out the furniture, have the doors and walls refinished.

Or her step children were given POA & emptied out her bank account before her late husband passed.

Or her daughter, SIL & GS, were coming to visit Oct 26. She was going to have us over & make a big dinner. They never arrived.

Progression can be different for everyone, I think.

Does your county/state have an office/agency on aging? You might be able to get questions answered there.

P.S. 75 isn't that early, I think...

My mil’s eighbors were elderly with dementia. Their mentally disabled son lived with them, no other family. MIL had to go over to help a few times but the situation was out of hand. MIL called our township. Social services stepped in and as I recall they got their lawyer involved who was able to arrange for them to move to an appropriate living situation. So heartbreaking.

I would report your concerns to the appropriate agency, then let them handle,it. There is little you can do when you have no legal rights, and frankly you don't want to be involved beyond being a decent person. . Maybe a social worker can do a wellness check.

My observations of dementia is that it progresses rather quickly. My dear friend went from being confused to almost totally ”gone” in less than two years.

Progression is very variable. Is there a senior support or social worker department in your community who can do a wellness check on them?

With all that is going on in her life she may not have any form of dementia but stress. Stress can do many things both to the mind and body. By the way there are no "Classic Symptoms" something I learned when I attended the Alzheimer's sessions.

All of the OR things posted could be true just not expressed well. I suspect some of the posters on here have either had similar things happen to them or someone they may know. I know the last one happened several times with my step-son when my husband was alive.

If she is putting you in situations you do not want to handle say no and make yourself scarce. Easier said than done but unless you do the family members as described will blame you for any and everything.

The suggestion to contact the local agency on aging is a good one. Also be aware depending on the state you may have to provide information about what you are seeing. Some states interview the neighbors although most do not.

My parent and disabled sibling had alzheimers, but not early onset, which I believe begins before age 65.

I wasn't in you situation, but I can refer you to a great-online

Community who may be able to help : https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx

I read many stories there of families who had difficulty helping a reluctant PWD.

Good luck.

How sad for your neighbor. She could so easily be taken advantage of, or she could hurt herself or others (especially if she's still driving). Calling your local health dept or social services agency to let them know of her situation is a good idea. You don't have any authority to act, but they might.

In very general terms, "early onset Alzheimer's" has a genetic link, and shows up before a person is 65, and progresses relatively quickly. "Regular" Alzheimer's is not tied to any known gene, shows up later, and progresses more slowly. That's VERY general. (My dad has regular Alzheimer's, diagnosed almost 10 years ago, and only recently getting to the really bad stages.)

Remember not to take her behavior personally. If it is dementia, she's simply not capable of regulating her behavior as she once did, and she doesn't know she's behaving any differently than 'normal.' She might even be deliberately distancing herself from people she perceives as wanting to "control" her -- in denial that she needs help.

The more contact she has with people (your mutual neighbors), the more they will see she's not mentally reliable. So I wouldn't worry too much about what she might be saying about you -- just continue to be as good a neighbor to them all as you can.

How sad.

Report to local agencies related to senior/aging services.

Then, Do Not Engage With Her. Period.

FYI: I wouldn’t call age 75 early-onset. I’d call it common-onset.

My sister is a therapist who works with people like Patti. Toronto Vet’s advice to contact someone for wellness checks is a good start.

Not 100% sure but am thinking early onset is under 65.

"The more contact she has with people (your mutual neighbors), the more they will see she's not mentally reliable. So I wouldn't worry too much about what she might be saying about you -- "

That is so true. My husband said the same thing.

Her condition only becomes obvious if there's a series of events I try to explain to her.....she can't follow what I'm saying.ie: I tried to tell her what my husband does for a living. A commercial remodeller. Or she tells me about someone and when I repeat it...she asks me how I heard that. Uh....from you. That's why I was wondering how quickly it will progress. Right now people just think she's "not-too-bright". No one spends time with her. But....that's not it. By this time next year....?? maybe she'll be so bad off she can't start a keyless ignition....she won't know how.

So no one else. Oh.

This is really hard.

Hugs

Yes, executive functions are impaired by dementia - and I believe dementia isn't always Alzheimer's, tho symptoms may seem similar.

nicole, I'm not sure why, other than to express compassion from a distance as one human to another, you think this person's state is your concern or responsibility. I agree with your husband, who has politely said "back off".

We have relatively new neighbors, a bit older than cited above, who are shockingly loony. They arrived a few years ago and seemed to have decided we were to be their newest best buddies. It didn't take long to realize that although being mostly functional from day to day, they are mentally bonkers. We backed off and adopted aloof stances with them and that has worked. We limit time spent with them and politely decline invitations.

I wish them good luck and no problems but honestly, we don't want or need more issues to deal with. They still approach us from time to time to do something or for advice. A few times, after a doorstep conversation, they arrived home having forgoten what we discussed. I pleasantly responded to their text inquiries to repeat what I'd said but honestly, their mental state isn't my concern. I'm empathetic and realize that their states of periodic confusion may very well be something we will personally experience but it's not up to me to look after them.

elmer....ok. I'm too involved. We've been handling her sprinkler blow outs-turn ons. Replaced the back flow preventer. Hubby built a window screen from scratch & installed it. The dogs had destroyed it. Pulled up the dog pee soaked carpet & pad. Washed the walls down. Hauled out peed on furniture. Previously her drunken sons two German Shepherds chased a neighbor and her 4 year old son into their home...I intervened, talked to the scared woman. Then I gave Patti the phone number of a GC to paint/refinish/repair her basement. Now she calls "me" for updates.

I need to stop. This is what I needed to hear. That it's OK to abandon her.

Backing off is not abandoning her. You're removing yourself from incidents and problems she experiences in her life that are not your responsibility and needn't be your concern.

🤯 Re-read what I posted about 8-10 posts up.

Do Not Engage. You Cannot Win.

I am "NOW" backing off. Disengaging. 🎃

Nicole. Several family members had ALZ and that is my biggest fear for myself!

Bless you for being her friend...she ”knows” something is not right, but can not find

or remember what to do about it. She needs help and feels overwhelmed as to where to

even start. She needs to get rid of her big house and find a facility that starts out independent living and can ”progress” with her in her different stages...but she needs to be kept safe. Maybe a social worker can work with realtor to lead her but not take advantage of her in her situation.

There are agencies who can give you guidance...then put it into their hands. It might be okay to ”abandon” her, but is the compassionate to do? Remember that she is a human being and has feelings and still needs to feel that someone cares...it is a scary world for her.

Some of the most recent articles I have read there has been a return to the previously held theory that dementia starts in the late 20s and 30s and not just in the 50s and 60s with slight changes in the brain showing on EEG's. Since there is or at least was over 70 known types with various causes some will take years for anyone to notice where others may happen overnight with things like strokes.

Duration is so individual, and depends in part on what's causing the dementia. Of course, not all dementia is Alzheimer's. My husband lived for 10 years with dementia, and died of pneumonia.

I'm a little confused by your post, Nicole. I thought at first your neighbor had been diagnosed, but it sounds like this is more of an assumption. What are the signs you've observed?

If Patti is saying things about you to the neighbors, chances are you're not the only one she talks about. They probably take what she says "with a grain of salt," as my parents used to say.

You're husband's right: It really is out of your hands. Should Patti become a danger to herself or others, you can report as suggested above. But for now, the only thing you can control is your reaction to her.

I'm holding my breath with you sis! Does not make it easier.

I'll be praying for her, her family, and for y'all.

Not every battle is our own, but we are brothers' keepers

LOVE

Alisande....No. She has not been diagnosed. No one is around her on a one-to-one to notice. She has groups of people over...often. The Book Club. The paper-crafts club. She cooks up a storm. Walks around serving people. Has a BEAUTIFUL home. If she sells her home, the parties stop.

What are the signs you've observed? ie.: She can't follow a conversation or series of events. I tried to explain what my husband does for a living...she can't follow it. Next thing I know she gave her sister MY phone number, who called me telling me she liked the office chair I gave her sister and either I could deliver the chairs OR she could rent a truck and come pick them up. What? What?

She told us all about a neighbor. A day later I repeated it, she thought it was NEW information....she'd NEVER heard it before.

There's more...hubby is waiting...gotta go...

I think you take each interaction as it comes. It sounds like she is doing most of the initiating, and you are aware of relatives. The next time something really is concerning you respond to that. Maybe call police for 'well check', call relative, just say no thank you and go on your way....

Sometimes you just have to walk away. I'm glad you decided to do that.

I got a text message and then two calls from an old friend/coworker who I've known for years. She retired earlier this year and basically blew everyone off, including me. I had told her before her retirement that we should go out to celebrate and she said okay but then never returned my texts.

Other people at work tried to talk to her too and she ignored all but one of them. So, we knew she was okay. I worked with her for years on and off and she is the one who told me about my current job. Over the last few years we hung out together occasionally and she borrowed some tools from me. I gave her and my other coworkers plants and vegetables from my garden. While I sat here thinking of whether or not I wanted to call her back or even text her back, I wondered if she needed my little saw tool again and if that's why she was contacting me. lol. It's not like she couldn't afford one of her own, but for months she chose to borrow mine.

I've decided not to contact her. A couple weeks ago I finally took her phone number out of my contact list on my phone.

Backing off and disengaging means just that. No need to call agencies or the police or anyone else, Or to drive by or to look and see what's happening.

Most of us to a haphazard job of taking care of ourselves and our own families. No one is directly responsible by default or proximity for outsiders in our lives other than by choice and a neighbor is an outsider.

I would contact Adult Protective Services and provide as much info as you have, esp about the financial exploitation. They are trained to investigate and once she is in their system can follow up to make sure she's ok.

If she needs help that she relies on you and your husband for, find her a handyman to call.

Then walk away, knowing you did all you could reasonably do.

"If she needs help that she relies on you and your husband for, find her a handyman to call."

I did just that. A GC that did a FANTASTIC job for me last year. He made from scratch, custom built a bronze metal framed HUGE window 4'x8' double paned, to match the one next to it, at my rental, quoted me a reasonable price....then....beat his own bid by $300! He's a friend of my husbands, he has his own company, they have worked together for years.

Patti is unhappy with his work, says it's unfinished & is refusing to pay him. She asked my husband & I to come over to see it...and wants "ME" to call the GC to get it fixed. The walls are painted up to the top of the door frame, not to the ceiling....if you stand in the right light, you can see a shadow. 🙃Then she said the painter left her window unlocked. She could have been broken into. (Her security system doesn't work. ) She said IF her window screen locked she'd be safe. That's when my husband built her a window screen from scratch, overnight, for her custom Pella window....for $33 in materials. 🥴 (Like a window screen can't be cut with a knife....?)

Nicole, it does sound as though she's mentally impaired, and dementia is a good possibility. But other things can cause changes in behavior, including street drugs, reactions to prescription meds, a stroke, and other illnesses. As for how you handle it, I think a lot depends on how close you are to her.

I haven't had neighbors in so long, I'm not the best person to give advice. But if this were happening to one of my close friends I'd try to talk to her about it. If not, I'd remind myself of the need for boundaries.

Does anyone know, if you call social services with a concern about another person, are you identified or can you remain anonymous? Might depend upon how much "proof" you have of elder abuse, etc?

She is definitely mentally impaired. No doubt. I'm not close to her. It's sometimes 6 months inbetween "outbursts" that I hear from her. This latest one just seems to never end....so per advice here....I'm staying out of her messes.

Nicole, glad to hear you are stepping back. There is no win in a situation like this. We had an elderly neighbor with dementia and she would walk into our home unannounced and uninvited. We started locking doors all the time. She would ramble on about a person or happening that no longer existed.

You are being kind, to yourself and your husband. Don't feel guilty--feel relieved.

Maybe she has other mental disabilities and not dementia? Or both?

Judy....She used to work for the DA. She still has a loaded gun in her home. She is a 2nd degree black belt. Went to Japan for a month to study Karate. You have to memorize "moves" to get belts....so ......she hasn't always been this way. She held a "real" job, for years.

Nicole I think it's possible that Judy meant something like late on set schizophrenia or or early onset Alzheimer's or something like that.

Honestly though the aggressive behavior and confusion are disturbing enough! If she has decided you are the enemy then I too would stay away. She won't listen to you. So do as you've decided and spare your breath.

We can only hope that someone else catches on if you have no one to report this to.

Oh..

If she has decided you are the enemy then I too would stay away.

I'm not sure about "that".

I had another thought, a wrinkle of a conversation in another thread. Another way to look at this. Whether the neighbor has a form of dementia, Alzheimers, elderly confusion, or whatever, these are all medical conditions. Let's take the original question and think of other circumstances

Rather than

"My 75 yo neighbor has early onset dementia. How should I handle it?"

How about - my neighbor has migraine headaches. Has psoriasis. Has an irregular heartbeat. Has irritable bowel syndrome.

How should I handle it?

"

How about - my neighbor has migraine headaches. Has psoriasis. Has an irregular heartbeat. Has irritable bowel syndrome.

How should I handle it?"

If any of those things will put her at risk of a devastating or fatal accident - one that might also cause neighbourhood damage, like a fire - then you should handle it the same way. If any of those things causing those in her care to go neglected, then you should handle it the same way. There is nothing wrong in looking out for neighbours who might have more to deal with than they can handle themselves, even if they don't recognize it - even if that's due to a medical problem.

I think it's a good thing to look out for our neighbours' health and safety if they're unable to look after those things themselves.

Is there a Senior Center near you? Most have a social worker on hand, or can refer you to help.

It's people who do NOT report problems who are at fault when 'something bad' happens. I'd be concerned about an armed neighbor who is out of touch with reality.

You might be sparing this woman from harm if police know she is unbalanced. Friends have an adult DD with schizophrenia. She's been in danger when police misunderstand her illness-directed hostility in response to directions or questions.

elmer....I get it. It's not my place to handle anything, or solve anything for my neighbor. I'm backing off. She has money. She can hire someone.

Maybe a vet will move in next door to her and take care of her! ;-)

Elmer...how crude and cruel...even for you to say!

A little levity....to try & lighten the mood. Thank you. 🩸 This didn't turn out well.

Her DD/SIL/GS "did" show up. I was hoping they'd intervene...but no.

On a happier note. Another neighbor/friend, has a lawyer/son who does work for the poor, getting paid very little....and we just donated tons of nice Herman Miller office furniture to him & his growing office. 😇 Soooo.....I am ....still running around trying to do good deeds.

Nicole, being kind, generous, and doing good deeds makes everyone, donor and recipients, feel good. You just have to know what good deeds to indulge in.

I have another story since Toronto Veterinarian brought it up, putting others at risk. Or doing harm to others.

Patti had the crafts club over to her house for the monthly meeting. She gave us all a tour of her home, that's when I met her cats. They had heated fancy cat tent-beds...but the two cats were BOTH skeletal. Had rough fur...when I reached to pet one...it could almost NOT stand up. Both were close to death. I went home brought back a bag of canned cat food & Purina Forti-Flora(vit pill). I told her to open ANY can, dump a whole package of the powder on it....and call me in a hour. She did. She said the one cat hadn't eaten in 8 days! It ate a whole can of food. She took her two cats to the vet the next day, they were given vet care....and both lived.

Happily....she has NO pets right now.

Your neighbor is confused, can behave in an angry aggressive way, blaming you for something that didn’t work out right with the GC. She cannot always remember things, (not the story, not about her cats being fed…).

And you report that she has a loaded gun.

You are a kind person, Nicole. Please do not put either your husband or yourself, or anyone else in harm’s way. One day, out of the blue, she may see you as someone endangering her.

I think, within safe reason we can look out for one another. Unfortunately ”Patti” needs the sort of care that is beyond your ability and continued appropriate response. Her family members seem like greedy, heartless creeps.

petalique...the whole crafts club...about a dozen women saw those cats...."I" was the only one who cared they were almost dead. One woman asked me if they were some exotic rough coated breed....I replied..."No. Almost dead". She said "Ick & stuck her tongue out".

No one wants to "care for anyone". She seems "normal" to these outlandish people. I need to leave them be. I need to step away. (I just keep going over all the weird things I've seen)

Ah, nicole. I know you must feel awful. You are clearly a compassionate person. The people around your neighbor seem largely bereft of soul and common sense.

You have been a huge help to ”Patti.” There is not a lot that you can do. Others have offered suggestions. You have helped. You are pulling back and that is good because to get any more involved (given her means, apathetic family and people you’ve already communicted with, and ”Patti’s” own disposition) without putting your own well being at risk. It is out of your control (as it should be) and you must feel free to move on.