There is a very useful and informative thread in Caregivers about dementia. I'll link to it. And browse that entire forum for a little more insight about dealing with older parents.

It really doesn't come and go, per se, but some days are better than others, and people with dementia in the early stages become very skilled at faking it, and being up for other people, especially family and doctors.

Yup, worry about your sister, if you think she's the type, she won't disappoint. Better to see a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law, wills and trusts. And do it sooner than later, because if your dad is not entirely cognizant, it will be too late and you'll wind up with expen$ive court proceedings to determine what you can determine more cheaply now.

If you are worried about him living alone, then it's probably time to have these discussions.

Best of luck, it's a really tough thing to tackle, care of an aging parent, dementia, and siblings with varying opinions! But come talk about it here.

Here is a link that might be useful: Caregivers Forum/Dementia

Symptoms can come and go. Could depend on stress levels, blood sugar levels, any number of things.

It's hard to be far away from an elderly parent, I know. But whether or not your dad has the beginnings of dementia, protective steps should be taken on his behalf. I suggest consulting with a lawyer who specializes in elder care. (Get a good reference!) The first meeting is usually free.

I agree, if you have a sibling that will take control/everything, now is the time for you and your brother to act. You need a lawyer to tie up loose ends and protect your Dad and his money. If your Dad is as sharp as the brother and you think he is, schedule the appointment ASAP with a lawyer specializing in elder law, even if it means transfereing everything to a trust etc.

I agree with Mariend, get the paperwork in order while your dad is of sound mind. It is much easier that way. Dementia is a funny thing, so many variables to it. Some never get real bad and others can go down hill quickly. I suggest a good physical with his physican and you go with him to give your information you have. I would talk with your dad more often and at different times of the day. Is he worse in the evening, morning ect... Lots of times elderly can be affected just because they are tired. Best of luck to you and your family, I know it is hard to handle.
Judy

PLEASE don't wait. See your lawyer. Protect your father. My MIL suffered from Alzheimers (yes, symptoms can come and go). I've told our story many times, but will repeat it. SIL got herself appointed POA over MIL's affairs. None of us realized how truly conscienceless she was. In just a little more than a year, she had spent a QUARTER OF A MILLION$$$$ that had been left by FIL for MIL's end care. Mind you--there were few expenses at that time. MIL was living in a mortgage-free house, being taken care of by family members. To this day, we don't know where all the money went. DH and I spent about $20,000 out of our own pockets in legal and forensic accounting fees to get the hemmoraging stopped. SIL was required to pay back a small pittance, by caring for MIL for free (she had been charging) and she turned around and put that responsibility on her daughter's shoulders. The prosecutor's office wanted to prosecute, but DH and I begged them not to--SIL deserved to go to jail for what she did, but in the small community where this all happened, the repercussions wouldn't have been worth it.

If you truly think your sister is that type, DO NOT WAIT until you're sure there will be a problem. It's a lot easier (and WAY cheaper) to prevent this sort of problem than to mop up after it's already happened.

Thanks ladies. I just got off the phone with him and he was very confused. He thought today was New Year's day, that New Year's Eve was the other day (not yesterday) and tomorrow is Christmas. I'm going to do a lot of reading about this (thanks for the link, Sushipup), and I'm going to find out who his doctor is and call the office and leave info about this situation. I will talk to a lawyer next week, and I'll broach the subject of power of attorney with him, I know he trusts me... as I routinely put money in his bank account to help him out, and he talks to me a lot. I'm also going to call the Region there and see if they have a senior's department with a home visitor program. They might be able to provide some support or some services.

My sister is a con artist and a thief, has been all her life. She's gotten money out of so many relatives, and tried to get some out of me, and I refused. She wanted $80,000 to $100,00 from me. She became verbally abusive to me when I said no, and then afterwards I realized she had stolen some items from me. She has no remorse for treating people like this. She rarely speaks to our dad, but if she "sniffs" this, she will be all over him until she catches him in a weak moment. She will then get him to sign over his house to her, she'll kick him out and leave him homeless. I'm positive of this.

I wish he wasn't 500 miles away. I'm going to talk to him lots, and DH just said to get him down here for a visit and get him to stay. DH wants him to stay with us, even though I told him he would drive us nuts. DH said that's just what we have to do. We can work all that out later.

Thank you SO MUCH for all of your suggestions and great advice. I will definitely be following these suggestions. Thanks again.

Bless your Husbands heart! You have a keeper there.

Thanks, Judy. I was ready to strangle him yesterday, but he really does have many good qualities. When my mother was terminally ill, he had her move in too, and she was a difficult lady. He helped with everything- he's very good that way.

Sushipup, I just finished reading that post you linked to. It's very, very helpful, as it's full of lots of useful information.

Right now I think I'm going to jump into a bubble bath and relax... I feel very sad at the moment.

Good for your husband--that's what husbands and wives are for.

Your sister sounds like my SIL--a sociopath whose definition of right/wrong means what's good for her is right, everything else is wrong. One of the things SIl did was have new wills written up for FIL and MIL--she somehow forced them to sign them, but LOST MIL's new will, so when she died, she died intestate, and SIL's scheming was for naught--the estate will be divided equally among the 4 siblings. She did try to steal the family home--but thanks to our attorney's amazing efforts, she's going to have to buy the other sibs out. Really, though--it will be much easier if you can roadblock her before she gets started. We've had a really uphill battle that's not only been expensive financially, but has lasted over 7 years (and isn't done yet) and has been a real struggle emotionally.

As far as your dad goes, perhaps you can broach the subject by offering to take the burden of his bills off his shoulders to save him the work of dealing with them? As soon as you can, I'd recommend checking to make sure his bills--especially insurance--are paid up. My mom and aunt, while not as confused as MIL, let things like that go a few times, and I had to sort them out.

My best to you, your husband and your father. You're a good daughter, your dad is lucky to have you.

It could also be another medical condition. It could be a mini-stroke (TI). My step mother's mother gets them. She's sharp as a knife and then confused as anything. It could even be dehydration, something wrong with his meds, etc. I guess I'm saying it could be treatable. Your husband is a gem!

It could also be a urinary tract infection. I know that that causes a lot of mental confusion in the elderly.

Good luck with your dad. Let us know how he's doing.

Well, he is having trouble with frequent urination, but he's had all kinds of tests and even an ultrasound. It was the first time in his life he'd ever had an ultrasound, in fact, he was recently given a prescription for an eye infection, and it was the first prescription he's ever had in his life! He's just been very healthy all of his life, despite some poor lifestyle choices. He's a very hard worker and he is a voracious reader and follower of Canadian and American politics because he's always believed that it's important to keep your body and your mind in shape. But this does need to be investigated, that's for sure. I hope he hasn't had a stroke.

Also, Please contact the Alzheimer Association or go onto their website. They have tons of information, forums & even seminars & support groups. They also have a hotline you can call.

My mother had a UTI & that is the first time the word dementia was used & a lot of pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. I lived 300 miles away, so I didn't catch the small signs at first either. Many times a dementia patient experiences "sundowning" -- they appear to be ok during the day, but by nightfall the confusion starts in and it begins to get worse. Also, the sooner he can get on ALZ. medications, the better off he will be & he will reach plateaus rather than a steady downward direction.

I also agree that you need to contact an attny. to make sure that "someone" responsible can get Power of Attorney for business matters & durable POA for Health Care decisions. I know it's a lot to handle and I truly wish you & your Dad & family the very best on this long journey.
Blessings ~~ katclaws

I'm for getting your father into your house pronto -- at least for a nice long 'visit', during which you can assess how he is doing while you make sure he's eating well. Talk to his home MD and set up a physical immediately, either there or at your location -- or both.

Either he comes to you or you go to him. This can't be done long-distance.

One morning my late mother's neighbor called to say my mother 'wasn't herself'. (They looked after one another, although living independently in separate apartments.) I called my mother and could hear that her speech was different. I drove there and took her to the ER. She'd had a stroke. They addmitted her. She developed another blood clot in her leg that night, and they operated. Had she not also had leukemia developing, she would have recovered completely.

Don't waste time 'wondering'.

Yes, I hope I can get him to come here. If not, I will have to go there, and that won't be easy.

TIAs/strokes can cause confusion too. Whatever the problem is, you are getting good advice here.

If your dad is seen by a doctor and found to have Alzheimer's, there is medication that can slow the process down.

I will link to a site I shared on Care Givers forum. It has booklets that you can read, download and print out. They are very helpful and easy to follow.

All stages of the disease are described and helpful advice is given for dealing with problems that may arise.

The booklets are also available free at many pharmacies, including Walmart and HMOs.

Here is a link that might be useful: Coach Broyle's free booklets

Hi Susan,

Do you know some of your father's friends? How to contact them? Do you know whether your brother may perhaps have talked to one or other of them?

How about calling one or more of them, for I'm sure that they'll be able to fill you in on how things are going with your Dad ... some of the blank spaces.

Will he be upset about your interference when he finds out that you've been talking to them? Maybe a good idea to let him know of that possibility beforehand, so it's not a surprise when they tell him that they've been talking to you?

I agree that it's important that you catch the queen bee ... and cut off her wings before you get stung. Trying to mend things later are hugely costly, both in terms of emotional and financial issues ... and may well alienate family members who were formerly friends.

You haven't been able to come up with a pill that has even a possibility of turning a greedy person into a benefactor of charitable causes?

Various religious enterprises have been making efforts toward such an end for millenia ... with limited success.

Good wishes as you proceed with the actions that you feel are necessary to meet your father's needs: I hope that he can agree with the need as you go along, for it's unpleasant for everyone if such actions need to be undertaken when the elder is unhappy about them.

ole joyful

P.S. I have said for years that it makes sense for several seniors to find a home where they can live together, for it shares chores, meaning lower such burden for each, and there's social interaction, with the extra bonus that minds are kept from going to seed as quickly, plus shared costs of household, plus utilities, plus food, etc. will cost less than living singly ... and certainly far more than for them to go into either a residential or nursing home. It would make sense for them to pay for a homecare person to come in to do the heavy household chores, etc.

The major benefit is, of course, that if someone takes ill, there are others on hand to provide immediate care, call for help, etc. - and quite likely have good judgement as to which course to follow.

Not useful to have two, three or four, etc. move into one person's home - or that person will always feel that s/he's the untimate authority - "It's my home, remember!".

Not a good idea to have only three ... or two will form a deeper friendship and the other will feel imposed upon - even ganged up on, whether that opinion may be somewhat justifed, or less so.

But people say that it can't work - that they'll fight.

Over someone's desire to move a chesterfield an inch or so this way or that, etc. - peanut stuff.

It would need to be overseen by a congenial woman, who was able to mediate difficulties before they got out of hand, whom everyone loved ... and it'd be best if all of the residents/(inmates?) were so pleased with her that she had them eating out of her hand (metaphorically speaking).

o j

Susan, I hope all works out, good luck in getting your dad to come to you. He is very lucky to have you and your DH! I'll have you in my thoughts.

I'd suggest getting him a thorough physical exam right away.

The problem could be as simple as hypothyroidism or a vitamin deficiency.
Thyroid deficiency

A grossly underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) can lead to the symptoms of dementia. Simple tests can detect this condition. The symptoms include loss of interest, apathy, slowing down of mental abilities and poor short-term memory.

Treatment involves replacing the naturally occurring thyroid hormones with synthetic hormone preparations. This is more likely to be effective in reversing the dementia if the problem is identified and treated within two years of its onset.

Vitamin deficiency

Severe vitamin B12 deficiency can cause a dementia along with weakness, unsteadiness and visual problems. It may be caused by pernicious anaemia or conditions causing very severe problems of absorption of vitamins from the bowel. "

Hmm, so much good information. I'm going to have to see if pernicious anemia is hereditary, because I have it. He's usually pretty forthcoming with me (although not completely), so I hope he will give me his doctor's name. I hope I can get a home visitor there too. I know of some people he talks to, but I don't have any way to reach them.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all the great advice.

Gave this a quick read but I want to reiterate that he should get to a good doctor, asap. If you or sibling are unable, can a social worker help? Is he on any meds? Too much or interaction can cause all kinds of crazy symptoms, and yes, dehydration can make one very confused. My mom has to really be aware of her water intake as the elderly just don't seem to feel thirst as much as younger people. And though this probably isn't the case, when my mom is secluded and not among people for too long, (her choice,) she's not as sharp. Good luck and I hope you can get him help very quickly, as well as keep your sister away. Will you let us know how it goes?