Friendship and feelings, a vent for discussion and sharing
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Adult Birthday Party Vent
Comments (43)All parties are ultimations...be there or miss the party :) Come on now, that does not mean "be there or miss the party and I'll never speak to you again" it just means the party is on Saturday and I'd love to see you, but if I don't we'll see you another time. :) The party takes place on whatever date it's set. I wouldn't call that an ultimatim, but maybe that's just me. I too cherish time with girlfriends W/O kids. I rarely get it (two days to date since my son was born) so it's a big deal for me. Just last night I invited my bunco girlfriends to come down for a bunco retreat at our new house sometime. I'll be leaving them and would love to have them come visit, but I didn't offer to foot the bill. It didn't even occur to me. And as said above, had it been reverse, me being invited, I'd almost have been insulted to have someone pay my bill for me unless there was a logical reason (and friends traveling to a casual party is not a logical reason). I know that of the twelve ladies I invited last night that maybe six or eight will attend. They are busy, and timing is always a challenge, and perhaps expense as well, but I won't be offended if someone does not join us for the weekend. I just want to see my friends and enjoy sharing my new home with them...not much different than wanting to share a special weekend (birthday) with friends really :) and nothing to get upset about....See MoreContinuing discussion on estrangements
Comments (150)Some random thoughts about this from someone who is NOT young. If my MIL wanted me to call her "mom", she'd be out of luck. Nope, sorry, get over it. If she wanted me to call her "Mrs. Last Name", I'd be fine with it--providing she called me "Mrs. Last Name" as well. I understand not wanting to be called by your first name, however, it's a foolish MIL who makes an issue out of it (even if you drop it later). Most ILs who don't settle the question to everyone's satisfaction, end up not calling their ILs anything. This works, even if it's a bit awkward. Even if you pay for part of the wedding, or the house downpayment, or the vacation, or the baby gear, or whatever...YOU GET NO SAY. If you can't give a gift without strings attached, don't give the gift. The difference between a gift and a bribe is...what? The strings. The only legitimate stipulation you put on it is that is cannot be used for anything illegal. If you are making a business deal, (like house downpayment money to be used ONLY for a house downpayment--not for a new car, etc...), put it in writing. If you can't afford to lose the money, don't give it. If you can't give it without strings, don't give it. They will learn to refuse ANY gifts from you, and you will be left wailing: "I'm not even allowed to give my grandchildren a birthday present." Remember: it's not a present if you feel the gift entitles you to ANYTHING more than a thank you. If you do feel entitled to something in return, it's a business deal and you are required to state upfront the return expectations. Bait and switch is illegal and unethical. "I'll buy you a car, if you spend summer vacation with me" if fair; your adult child has the right to agree or not. If you want a wedding done your way, get married yourself or remarry your husband. Other than that, shut up and leave it alone. It's not your turn, it's not your wedding, your opinions and preferences and taste don't matter. You have no more say in your child's wedding, than you have a say in MY child's wedding. And that brings up the subject of rights, and I say this as the parent of an adult child--you have none. NONE. You may have some rights in certain circumstances, such as they live under your roof, so you set the rules of the household. But in truth, in reality, legally...you have NO RIGHTS. Wise parents don't forget this. Adult children in America have the right to completely abandon their parents and to shut them out in every way. You don't have the right to give them advice, to decide their medical treatment, to choose their careers, spouses, or domicile. You don't have the right to call, to visit, to spend holidays together, to expect repayment for all you did as a parent. As soon as you hear yourself saying, "I have the right..." or even THINK it, remind yourself that you are wrong. Yes, you are WRONG. And you are fooling yourself and setting yourself up for disapointment. A wise mother/MIL appreciates and is grateful for everything she receives from her adult children, even if she wishes it were more. The more you appreciate and the less you demand, the more you will end up with. We've all heard the story of the mother who spends a rare visit with her son whining that he doesn't visit more; and then wonders why he doesn't want to see her. Also remember: in no relationship do both people care the same. There is always someone who cares more and someone who cares less. The person who cares less has the most power. When that well-established psychological rule of thumb is applied to intergenerational relationships, it mostly plays out that the younger generation cares less about the relationship than the older one. There are many reasons for this: older people have fewer distractions in life (careers, education, hobbies, friends, minor children, financial obligations, etc...) and value relationships more, and life tends to look forward not back. Your adult children are genetically programed to feel more attachment to their partner and their own children than to their parents. No amount of whining, manipulation, or guilt tripping will change that. Love for partner and children does not exclude love for parent, but it is important for parents of adult children to understand their place in their children's lives. It's a difficult change, because at one point you DID have all the power in the relationship and you WERE the most important person in your child's life. Some parents find the change in status to be liberating; many parents of adult children find the change in status difficult and frightening. They cling, they demand, they set up tests of loyalty, they try to manuevre proof that nothing has changed...and they lose out. It's a huge change to your life to bring a child into it...and it's an equally large adjustment to see them go. If you don't let go voluntarily, they will wrench themselves away violently. The closer you were, the larger the chasm. The parent has to let it happen. Once the boundary has been well established, and only until it's been established, can the adult child form an adult version of a close parent/child relationship. All parents think they've let go; many of those with trouble parent child relationships have not, and are fooling themselves. "If you loved my son you would...", "If you loved your mother you would...", "If you loved your husband you would..." Sorry, that's just plain manipulation. Those sentences are generally completed by demands that have nothing to do with love. It is manipulation, it's CLASSIC manipulation, and even when people can't put their finger on what's wrong with it, they know it and feel manipulated. My MIL tried this; she wanted my husband's attention on our honeymoon. "If your wife loved you, she would let you spend time with your mother on your honeymoon." And I pointed out, "If MIL really loved her son, she'd leave him alone on his honeymoon." Yes, she huffed and puffed about how there was no doubt she loved him, but she never pulled that stunt again. Remember: just because someone does not like you or rejects you, it does not make them an "N". Nor does disliking you make anyone mentally ill, defective, immature, unable to love (they are just unable to love YOU perhaps), jealous, insecure, immature or anything. Remember also, a famous characteristic of "N"s is the proclivity to label everyone else "N"s. If someone doesn't like you, it's probably for the same reason you don't like them: because of personality and flaws, and probably because of mistakes in the relationship. Apologize for the mistakes you made. If the relationship is important to you, mitigate the parts of you they object to when you are around them. If the other one is bothered by your excessive talking, talk less around them. You aren't OBLIGATED to modify your behavior around them, but then again, they aren't obligated to be around you. Dr Phil points out: people gravitate toward pleasure and away from pain. You cause your adult children pain, they will probably drift away. Conversely, if they've drifted away, you've probably caused them pain. Another thing: adult children almost never become estranged without first trying to reason it out with their parents first. They will tell you what the problem is and ask you to do something different. You are a FOOL if you ignore this. This is the only way you are going to be able to fix the problem--listen and RESPECT the complaint and change. Dismissing their complaint will not fix it, minimizing it will not work, arguing about it will not work. If the complaint is so off the wall or outrageous, such as accusing you of sexual molestation, the problem is unfixable, and it is in your best interest to support the estrangement, or work through it with professional intervention. However, this is rare. Most adult children who have complaints about their parents strong enough to cut them off are not inventing things out of nowhere, they may be blowing them a bit out of proportion, but they have valid complaints. If you are punitive to your adult children (ie, I don't like how they behaved on vacation, so you insist they call you a different name), do not be surprised if they are punitive to you. Don't scream bloody unfair when after you've given the grandchildren chocolate though being told not to, your adult children say you won't be seeing them the rest of the summer. If you give your kids the silent treatment, don't be surprised if you get it right back. Words once spoken exist forever, you can't erase them by saying, "Everyone says horrible things when they are angry". Actually no, but even if it were true, words once said cannot be unspoken. Don't expect people to pretend you didn't say them. All you can do is apologize sincerely and stop saying hateful things. You aren't in Jr High School, so don't act like it. If you find yourself doing this too often, it's YOUR problem (meaning no one's making you do it), get a therapist and learn self control and healthier ways of expressing yourself. Remember, if you attack people you claim you love, they will eventually start to avoid you. Any woman who tries to persuade your adult child not to marry is a HUGE FOOL. Remember your adult child knows everything about their potential spouse PLUS STUFF YOU DON'T--and they've still decided to marry. It may indeed be the biggest mistake ever, and you may be completely right. But you might as well commit hari keri than to argue, badger, and nag your child into not marrying someone they want to marry. All parents of adult children need to know the difference between helping and meddling. The difference is: is your input wanted? If no one asked you, assume your advice or 'help' is unwanted. It's your job to ENSURE your contribution is welcomed. If you go ahead and 'help' and find out later it was not wanted, you were the one who was wrong. Your good intentions don't count. Just don't do it. Don't interfere, impose, advise, butt in, until you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your participation is welcome. Arguing about whether or not someone should want your help is like arguing that someone should like brussel sprouts; if they don't, they don't. Nobody thanks meddlers, even well intentioned ones who are just trying to be nice. Nice people make sure they aren't imposing; well intentioned people listen to the wishes of others. Fools jump in where angels fear to tred. Let your children manage their own money, careers, education, decorate their own houses, raise their own children, and plan their own vacations and holidays. If they want to include you, great. But they don't have to, and you have no right to insist. And your wisdom, experience, and maturity don't mean as much to other people as you think--they are yours. Also remember you don't have to bail them out of their mistakes, but if you do, don't assume that gives you permission to take over their lives. Don't expect everyone to fight your battles for you. If you are angry with your adult children, don't think everyone else in the family or the community should take up your cause. This is a strong indicator of dysfunctional relationships. It's call triangulation and it ALWAYS makes communication worse and problem solving more difficult. Other people have their own relationships and experiences with your estranged children, and it's not fair to expect them to sacrifice those relationships to make you feel better. If everyone has problems with the estranged adult child, don't be gleeful: you are the one who raised this difficult person, you bear some responsibility for how disappointingly they turned out. And if the estrangement hurts you, you still hurt no matter who agrees or disagrees. Remember too, no one can MAKE your adult child ignore you. No one can steal your child, no one can turn them against you. Your child can contact you if he really wanted to. He would see you if he cared enough to. No matter how horrible you imagine your child's spouse to be, no matter how much pressure you think your DIL or Son-IL puts on your child to cut you off, the fact is there are always ways to keep in contact with you if they wanted. It's hurtful to acknowledge that your child chooses to participate in shunning you. But it's also the beginning of healing the rift. You can make all the excuses for your child you want (he's weak, he's scared, he's immature, he's brainwashed, he's a complete idiot, he's mentally ill too), but until you deal with the fact that he is choosing to reject you, you will not see his point of view, and without seeing his point of view, you can't fix a thing. ANd finally, just because you put up with mistreatment and disagreeableness from your parents and in-laws does not mean, your children and in laws must put up with disagreeableness from you. Things change, and not putting up with disagreeable people is a positive change in society. If you are a certain age, it was completely acceptable for your father to beat your mother; now it's not, and the world is a better place for it (altho wife beaters usually don't agree)....See MoreWeek 117 - To Vent or Not to Vent - What is your hood like?
Comments (46)A guy in my daughter's HOA tried to "ban" my vehicle from parking anywhere in the community other than inside DD's garage because it was an "eyesore." It was an inexpensive Ford, about 10 years old, but no dings, dents, or dirt anywhere. He was over ruled and forced to apologize to me, wherein he mentioned a couple of times how angry his wife was at him, haha! The last HOA community I lived in made us fix two shingles that appeared (to them) to be "out of alignment." Oh, did I mention it was the roof of our DOG HOUSE? Never again. Never. Again. Onto the topic at hand. I currently have a vented hood of indeterminate brand. I'm pretty sure it's the original hood in my 37 yr old home, and I'm positive it's never been cleaned (until I moved in). If you recall, I bought this house from hoarders who never, ever cleaned their house. Even after I paid people to clean the whole range (electric coil stovetop), including the hood, it is the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever seen. It's also frighteningly loud. I'm certain it doesn't pull up anything; not grease, not odors, nothing. When I remodel the kitchen, I'll most likely stay with a vented hood since there's already the hole in the roof. I would reconsider if there wasn't a way to use the same hole. I know this topic has been passionately argued over for years on this forum. And I mean passionate! But I've had the recirculating vents before and, at least in my case, have found them adequate (please don't execute me at dawn for saying that!). There are a couple of secrets to keep them working well, and I assume this would also apply to OTR recirculating micros. First, many of them recirculate the air through a charcoal filter. You have to replace that filter once in a while! :-) Just like furnace or A/C filters, if you never replace them, they get dirty and cease to clean the air; in fact, they make it worse after a while. Second, while you're at it, go ahead and clean the other parts too. If you rent, make the management replace the filter when it's due. For now, my "vent" is the two windows in my kitchen. I happen to think my cooking smells good, so the windows are basically to keep a very sensitive smoke alarm from going off. Russ, where can I order one of those pot roast pillows?...See MoreAnyone regularly attend an online book or discussion group?
Comments (15)Thanks for the offer Lyfia!! I love to read for pleasure but rarely do it anymore. Maybe someday I will get there, but right now I have to focus my limited resources more, which is kind of sad. I have a little reading room in my house and long to sit and read in the comfy chair, but it's not happening anytime soon . . . I'm looking for a sort of professional or action-oriented discussion group though. In particular, I'd like to get a group of people together to talk about how we can work more for racial understanding and diversity of support and opportunity in our communities and professional work. I belonged to a multicultural group of Yemeni immigrants and long time native residents in my home town, we met monthly and had activities, but that is on hiatus. I have a couple of organizations I am nominally involved with and I'm seeking to get involved more in that realm. Years ago I used to volunteer with a camp that did weekend retreats for high school students to combat bullying and other socio-emotional issues that the students were dealing with. It got started by one school that had a rash of suicides and they wanted to create a better atmosphere at the school. However, they stopped doing it, probably because in my state, so many schools are cash strapped even though troubled. I'm trying to think of a way to start that kind of thing up again . . . The second thing is I am trying to network with folks who are doing restoration work on their land or permaculture. There is a group in a town about an hour away from me, but they don't do anything monthly, just have a listserv. Theoretically I'd like to network with folks closer to home so we can actually share resources and get together once the pandemic subsides or the weather warms up . . . You're right in that I might have to start something like this myself, and I'm wondering if anyone has done something like this? I have a feeling it is not that easy to pull off successfully . . . (having planned some statewide professional conferences, I know how tough it is to get everyone on the same and productive page) . . . not impossible, just tough....See More
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