I think when you "throw a party" for yourself, it's implied that you pay for your guests to attend. This woman has lost her mind if she expects her invitees to actually attend this expensive, inconvenient event. I'd have absolutely no qualms about saying no. I'm not shy about admitting that I'm not made of money. If she were my friend and had invited me, I'd decline, buy her a gift that was within my budget, and let it go. I certainly wouldn't "suck it up" and participate in something that was going to be such a hassle for me.

My brother is graduating with his master's degree in December, and our family has been talking about being there (out of state) for his graduation. I've been researching airfare, but for my DH and I to fly there on a Friday afternoon and return early on Sunday (which we would need to do), it would be close to $600, and we don't have that money to spare, especially since we've been planning for the past year to be out of the country for two weeks in January. I told my brother that we'll be congratulating him from afar, and he understands perfectly.

I think that anyone who would hold it against you for not participating in an event that created any kind of hardship for you is unrealistic, and it'd be up to them to get over any resentment they may harbor because of it.

I guess I would just consider it an invite on her part, to those she loves -- for anyone who wants to attend -- not an obligation on anyone else's. She might not feel good or right about excluding anyone. I would think she would expect those who are far away to not be able to make it, due to expense or other responsibilities. I'd certainly never expect the host to pay for everyone's airfare, hotel, and such, which would be outrageously extravagant and expensive.

She knows that feelings might be hurt if she declined.

I think that's the crux of the issue. I'm assuming it's the birthday girl's feelings who will be hurt? If that's the case, then she is placing entirely too many unreasonable expectations on her friends, and I don't think anyone has the right to make such requirements on others if they aren't planning to cover the costs of having others participate. It's one thing to issue an open invitation: "If you want to join me, please do - it'll be a blast!" -- but to put out the invitation and then resent it if others don't follow through? That's just wrong. (And spoiled and with a trumped up sense of self-importance and entitlement ...)

I'm assuming these are all close friends that are invited? How many?

DD1 had a friend - of less than a year - ask her to be in her wedding. The mom was paying for the dresses. DD1 was just finishing college at the time, so she didn't have extra money anyway. Other two attendants were on tight budgets as well.

Not only was the wedding not in San Francisco - but in Palm Springs - the bride's Bachorlette party (given for the bride BY the bride, more or less) was going to be in New York City! Nevermind that the three attendants had jobs and would have to work days off to cover both the party and the wedding or take vacation time (if working long enough to have vacation time - which DD1 would not).

Long story longer, I was going to pay for hotel room for wedding since DD1 was just starting to work. But I told her I would not be paying for her to go to NYC - hotel was covered by bride, but not airfare. DD1 was not upset and understood. Bride to be was not. DD1 said she started turning into Bridezilla and told DD1 if she did not attend the party, she could not be in the wedding. DD1 said "fine." They are no longer friends. :D

All that said, your daughter's friend if very inconsiderate to be asking her friends to be leaving their families and/or jobs to attend a birthday party. Unless it was discussed and decided on as a group to go out of town, I would tell your daughter not to feel bad for not going.

"Do we need to lighten up?"

no, you don't.

I don't believe that as adults, young or older, we should do things that we don't want to do, for whatever reason. The birthday girl is unreasonable, imo; but it's her prerogative to try and entice people to follow her plans. It's also your daughter's prerogative to refuse to go.

OK, well you havent shared all the details but from what I know, this isnt all that different from some parties I will be a part of. Here, it is not all that unusual for women to have parties for their "big" birthdays-- 30, 40, etc (the 5 years are my big ones, personally.. 25, 35, 45). The ones I have coming up are both 40th birthdays-- one is in vegas and one is in a sunny island location yet to be defined... both are definite plane/hotel trips for all of us.

The intent of these parties is to give superwomen/supermoms a break and a chance to bond with their friends. I think it is great-- though I will only be able to make one of the trips I have been invited on. The organizer/party thrower does not pay for the trip-- they may organize and pay for an event, spa visit or meal.

I would be very surprised if the friend EXPECTED your daughter to attend or would demand it. I am a bit surprised that she didnt talk to your daughter and other invitees ahead of time to say, "hey, I would love for you to attend but I understand it is a big expense so if you can swing it great, if not we'll do lunch" or something similar.

Again, I am making assumptions-- this may not be the situation. If the friend is planning something local and it is your daughter who needs to travel to attend-- then I assume that again, the friend is inviting your daughter because she'd love for her to attend but that she has no expectations and is making no demands.

Now for my OPINION.. I don't know about your daughter, but I get far too little time to spend with my sisters and friends. They have kids and we all have busy schedules. I cherish our times away-- and for some of the mothers, the only way they really can relax is to get away. I think it is good for all involved.

If I didn't receive an invitation, I think I would question why my old and close friend would not invite me to her party....

Seriously, how would your daughter like to hear about the party and know that she wasn't invited?

No one has to accept an invitation.

ML

Like others above, I agree that the whole thing sounds unreasonable on the part of the bday girl. A girlfriends getaway weekend can be great fun but all who are going to participate are usually in some agreement before it gets planned. To simply invite people for an out of town event like this with no advance discussion is not the norm.

Has your DD talked to others who were invited to sort of get the general feeling of everyone involved? Just out of curiosity.

One thing I do think is that since your DD has agreed to go, she needs to shed any ill feelings or resentment she has before the event and go with the intention of having a good time. Not to imply that she wouldn't do that, just that sometimes the resentment can linger subconciously and comments can be made inadvertently.

I have read and reread this a few times-- and all the responses. I guess I just don't get it.

You say
a friend who considers her birthday to be of such import no thought(presumably) is given as to how it might inconvenience others?

Why shouldnt she do what she wants on her birthday??? My birthdays are important to me-- and I spend them as I want. I'd feel honored if a friend invited me to join her on her weekend getaway and celebration-- whether I could attend or not.

I am thoroughly p--sed at the lack of consideration and selfishness I believe this displays
You are clearly pissed.. but why? Would you have preferred that she assume your DD couldnt afford it or get childcare? If it isnt feasible, then politely decline...same as you would if you had been invited to a local party and had a conflict. It doesn't seem like a reason to be "thoroughly pissed" but clearly I am missing something. Maybe it is a regional or generational thing?

No matter. As lowspark said so well, if your daughter will go, then help her to shed the anger and resentment, else the weekend will be a waste of her precious time and money.

* some would ask if her friendship is worth keeping if she is so thoughtless
Pardon me for saying this, but this is the kind of thing I would want someone to tell me: I really think you are overreacting. Unless the friend, herself, told your daughter that not attending the party would break the friendship (as was the case in Allison's example), I just do not see how this is thoughtless or a reason to ditch an "old, dear friend". That thought would never even cross my mind.

I'm afraid I don't get it either. It's just an invitation to all she hopes could attend her event, not a demand. She should just leave some people out? I don't understand why it's assumed she is thoughtless, unreasonable, and will be resentful to those who can't fly across the country for a weekend!? Declines would be kind of expected, in those cases. I think it's assuming an awful lot of bad things about the birthday girl, and simply from an invitation.

It seems to me that the birthday girl is taking a trip for her birthday and suggested others tag along and help her celebrate. I could imagine myself doing something like that and putting out invitations to a bunch of people knowing full well that only a few would attend. I'd also realize the few who attended were probably more interested in a vacation rather than my birthday!

I don't see how it's thoughtless honestly. I would untwist my knickers and call my friend and say "wow, your birthday plans sound great but things are tight right now and I can't swing it. I'd like to take you to lunch for your birthday instead!"

Just because someone invites you somewhere doesn't mean you are obligated to go.

I'm really not sure why adults decided that their birthday doesn't deserve a big celebration. Afterall, surviving the first few years is comparatively easy! :O)

I think it is great that this woman wants to include her friends in her plans. It would have been rude of her to exclude people from her invite list because they have children or jobs.

If she gets few R.S.V.P's then she will have a chance to realize that perhaps her plans were too taxing for her guests to attend.

I kinda got the feeling that there were some "dynamics" coming into play that the OP wasn't fully delving into here. Not that she necessarily had to, but having given this some more thought, it's difficult to make a judgment call with certainty without knowing more about the dynamics of the friendship(s), the history of the individuals involved, the personalities involved, etc. Ya know?

Perhaps, Jen. There are definitely some key details missing-- is this a special birthday, were they given sufficient time to save/plan for the trip, how were the invitees invited? Is the destination significant. I suspect there is some history there too-- otherwise, I can't for the life of me understand Leah's strong reaction.

Kgwlisa made a great point. I am wondering if the Leah and her daughter feel that she is obligated to attend because she was invited and because she is a dear friend-- and perhaps they are projecting that on the birthday girl.

True friends ..... well .... accept the facts of YOUR life too.

Time, expense etc. are very real factors into everyone's life.

So ..... IF the birthday girl TRULY wants such a festival .... then it should have been planned FAR in advance (with complete details of time, expenses etc.) ..... and with the COMPLETE understanding that SOME people simply cannot attend. There does not have to be a litany of reasons .... real friends simply understand.

OR is this a "test" of friendship???

I don't believe that true friends expect such "tests"

Jan (considered to be testy ..... but not to be tested)

I also think it's the sense of obligation to attend that seems to be the problem. It's just an invite. Since it's not a typical party setup (not in my world, anyway), I'd just talk to my dear friend about the difficulties involved in attending her long distance special occasion. Maybe the next time she's in town, you can celebrate your birthdays together then.

I think the getaway plan to celebrate her birthdqy with friends is a great one by your friend. If it was so short of notice that I could not plan to swing the expense, I'd feel sad that I couldn't join in, not angry at my friend for trying to plan something fun and unusual. just my $.02

On this anniversary of 9/11, I am ever more a believer that life is short. I hope you can swing the trip and genuinely have a great time!

I kinda got the feeling that there were some "dynamics" coming into play that the OP wasn't fully delving into here.

Yeah, me too. Rereading the original post, I'm not sure what specifically made me feel that way but it seemed that somehow the invitation was not just a casual invitation but that Leah's DD was expected to attend. Maybe it was just the general tone of the post.

She knows that feelings might be hurt if she declined.
Feelings might be hurt... well, that's not the same as saying the bday girl will end the friendship if DD doesn't attend, is it?

Leah, is there more to the story? How obligated does your DD feel to attend, and what is it about the invitation or the friendship that makes her feel that way?

I think it's Leah's general reaction and description of how she feels about it (the girl's ways) that sounds as if she might not think too much of the girl overall, finding her to be as she described generally, because it's quite a reaction to an invitation. I sure wouldn't spend $1K to go if I didn't want to or couldn't afford it. Wouldn't want to leave my kids behind, either. Friends would understand that it's a difficult party to attend.

I have a dear friend who regularly goes off on "girl" trips with her friends from college. She, and obviously them too, think nothing of it. One friend has been opting out of the last few events, but I think the general consensus was they all understood, house renovations, braces etc.

Personally I would love to jet off with friends but alas, juggling the obligations of work and family would make the experience so NOT worth it. In a few years maybe it would be something I would consider but right now my family is where I want and choose to be. Friends know that life sometimes gets in the way and although I may be a bit envious(I mean really, who wants to be home folding laundry), I would not feel obligated to go or begrudge any of my friends for going.

If B-day girl would think less of a friend for not going, then she may not be a lifetime friend, but I will agree there seems to be more dynamics going on here than just an invite!

I don't see anything wrong with inviting friends to do something out of town. It's always nice to be invited! I wouldn't feel at all guilty about politely declining the invitation if it didn't appeal to me, work with my schedule, finances, etc.

I rarely attend a social gathering solely to please someone else. It's just too hard to hide my lack of enthusiasm and irritation. That's not good for me or anyone else.

Sorry for going MIA right after posting. Really surprised to come back and see so many replies...thank you all! Getting my computer back up has done a nice job of smoothing out any and all variety of pantie bunches!
I overstated my reaction, but still feel that planning and giving one's own party makes her the host. As such, she would assume the cost. Planning an expensive, out-of-town event would, of course, preclude that. In this event, rather than simply announcing that this is her birthday plan, come or not as you wish, she should have discussed it with her friends in advance to get their take on it. We're talking 6-10 women and their husbands. And yes, while it's sometimes a joy to get away from the children, it's also sometimes not, and can also be difficult to arrange.
This is a group of old friends who get together only once or twice a year. Missing this party would mean missing one of these times. I've not yet heard how many will be going. There are no other 'dynamics' in play. I'm actually fond of the girl. All in all,to better rephrase my annoyance, I feel it is a somewhat high-handed invitation and expectation. It's decidedly not my style, and wondered if my style is hopelessly out of date.

Is she usually the one who visits from out of town then? Are all the other women in the same area as your daughter? I'm wondering how these get-togethers usually take place.

Hi SH...they all live within about 60 miles of one another and get together for a girls weekend, locally, once a year. There have been couples dinners,and local b.day parties, too.

I don't understand why you're so p*ssed. I think as a mother of an Adult daughter (I'm assuming by your post that your daughter is an adult) it's time to let go and let your DD handle her own affairs. If my DD (who is 32) came to me with this concern I'd advise her to speak with her friend and explain she appreciates the invite but has to decline because she can't afford it. It's her friend, her situation, let her work it out.

So I guess she's the one who always has to do the traveling and expense, then. I think it makes sense that she'd want everyone to come out and see where she's moved to, meet her family, new friends, see where she works, and what-have-you.

Too bad we can't all just be free birds, with no worries about these things!

No, sq., they
ALL live within an hrs. drive of each other...bday girl, too.
And lukk, I'm only slightly annoyed now, ( how much better life looks with a properly behaving computer!) and just wanted to hear others thoughts. As for your comment re. my daughter, and my "letting go", we are fortunate to be great friends as well as relatives; we are close and chat about most things in our lives. If you re-read the post you'll see I was not asking for advice nor did I mention DD could not afford the trip.
I mostly wondered what Miss Manners, or Ms. Emily would say, and if you all thought it was a considerate, well thought out plan. I'm pretty much over it, though. "It is what it is" as 'they say'.

Ive shared my thoughts above but I will say that it is a trend that I have seen in my age group and even more so in my youngest sister's age group. I have never known my parents to travel overnight with their friends-- for a celebration or otherwise.

I can't even get my head around the fact that you'd expect the birthday girl to pay for the travel-- airfare as well as hotel. I couldnt even imagine allowing someone to pay my travel costs. You havent shared the destination or whether this was a "special" birthday but regardless, I think it sounds nice.

I still don't understand why you are (the downgraded) slightly annoyed. Is this celebration impacting you somehow? Has your daughter asked you for a loan.. or for childcare? Are you being put out somehow? Hopefully it is a wonderful destination and your daughter and all the other couples will have a great time.

OK, all that said-- as a hostess asking people to travel with me for a birthday or other such, I would prepare special travel bags, provide a momento of the trip, and/or arrange some kind of event or dinner at the destination. Is that what I would expect from others hosting an event? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It is just what I would do.

I didn't realize it was a vacation spot type thing. Thought she was just inviting them to her area for her party. I'm in Funky's camp, though, where it's just an invite and I can't imagine expecting a host to pay all travel expenses for their guests.

Sounds like you might be having trouble adjusting to some of the mindsets today, though, which I can definitely relate to.

Things are different these days than they when I was a kid. I just got off the phone with my sister-- we both work LONG days and weekends, I have sick dogs to be sure are covered, she has two kids, their school activities and sports schedules, we have family to tend to-- in fact our conversation today was regarding who could be "on call" for our grandparents while our parents are out of town this weekend. Our lives are crazy and we barely get time to catch up and talk to our friends, mates, sisters. We definitely don't get much time to relax and refuel. Time away is very treasured to me and those close to me... whether we are alone or together. I think many others see it the same way.

In the course of our conversation we talked longingly of the trip we'll take in the spring for her birthday-- she is also talking about sending her husband and son on a trip to see their fav baseball team and to bond. I really think it's all about making time to escape the rat race and reconnect. I take it as an honor that someone wants to spend time with me (noting that I am very selective about WHO I spend time with-- but we've already established that this is a good friend)-- I guess that is why I have such a hard time understanding how Leah is viewing the invite.

I don't mean to keep beating this horse-- just hoping to help Leah see the experience in a more positive light.

Please re-read: "I overstated my reaction, but still feel that planning and giving one's own party makes her the host. As such, she would assume the cost. Planning an expensive, out-of-town event would, of course, preclude that. In this event, rather than simply announcing that this is her birthday plan, come or not as you wish, she should have discussed it with her friends in advance to get their take on it."
I see you two were guilty of scanning...a bad habit with me, too, on occasion. Read above and you'll see, I said PRECLUDE(being a paying host), not include!
I would have viewed it in a very positive light had she discussed the idea vs. issuing the ultimatum: be there or miss out on my party. If that doesn't sway you a bit over to my camp, then let's agree to disagree.

Sorry Leah, I now recall reading that -- just forgot! I did remember though that there were others that thought the expense should be covered, so I was just commenting generally, not specifically to you there. I found it so surprising, it just kind of stuck with me as something I don't understand.

That's what happens when you catch up on the last post and forget some of the details from earlier! Though, true, I certainly don't study the posts around here before responding!

There are 6-10 people and husbands being invited and the best way to handle situations like that is set a date and see who can come and who can't. Discussing it before hand rarely works. I don't think it's a big deal either...ultimatum?
There's no ultimatum only an invitation and some will be able to come and some won't. Hosts don't usually pay for travel expenses in my world or in this case hotels and meals too.

I don't think this was a rude or demanding invitation at all.

I did not scan-- I read your posts, heard the tone and took note of the issues you mentioned repeatedly. You clearly aren't on board with the plan. That's your business. It doesnt matter whether we agree or not-- I didnt see the discussion as a disagreement. You asked for thoughts and opinions that's what you got..

I have no vested interest in someone else's birthday or trip-- so I am going to let it go. I do recommend that you reread some of your posts.. referring to a birthday trip invitation as an "ultimatum" really sets the tone for your reactions. Perhaps that is at the core... the fact that you see it as an ultimatum.

I hope you and your daughter come to some peace on the topic. At the very least, I hope that she ends up having a great time. At this point it is up to you two to find peace and fun in the opportunity.

I would have viewed it in a very positive light had she discussed the idea vs. issuing the ultimatum: be there or miss out on my party.

Are you aware of how silly and over dramatic it looks calling that an "ultimatum"?? She is not saying "be there or you're no longer my friend." Be there, or not. Those are the two choices. Do what feels right. Hardly cause for how upset you were in the first post IMO. Glad to hear you're getting over it. To me this is a non-issue.

She is not saying "be there or you're no longer my friend." Be there, or not. Those are the two choices.

We would have no idea how important this is to the b-day girl. That's where the unknown dynamics might come into play. There are most definitely people who behave in an 'ultimatum' kind of way. And those who would be terribly hurt if someone didn't make it to their event, even if they didn't intend it in an ultimatum kind of way. Though, Leah has since stated that isn't the case here.

Nothing wrong with venting and inquiring for a reality check, Leah. Glad your initial reaction has passed.

Something to consider....at any given time a group of old and very good friends are often at different places in their lives.
For example I know a couple who had children after 7 years of marriage....and for a lot of years were childless and free as birds...you know "DINKS"? Double Income No Kids?.
Then the kids came in bunches!! And they were no longer free to take a weekend and go to The Bahamas on a supersaver fare.
I remember my roommate's wedding...I was married and pregnant. There was much nightclubbing after the rehearsal dinner....and all I could to was think..."Where's my pillow!"
Perhaps many of the other women invited are in a different place in their life than your daughter. Should the birthday girl not have a party which many would love, unless it's "convenient" for all?
I don't think she needs to worry about such things....plan a get away and come if you can.
Are you baby sitting? I am sure your daughter will have a wonderful time!
Linda C

All parties are ultimations...be there or miss the party :) Come on now, that does not mean "be there or miss the party and I'll never speak to you again" it just means the party is on Saturday and I'd love to see you, but if I don't we'll see you another time. :) The party takes place on whatever date it's set. I wouldn't call that an ultimatim, but maybe that's just me.

I too cherish time with girlfriends W/O kids. I rarely get it (two days to date since my son was born) so it's a big deal for me. Just last night I invited my bunco girlfriends to come down for a bunco retreat at our new house sometime. I'll be leaving them and would love to have them come visit, but I didn't offer to foot the bill. It didn't even occur to me. And as said above, had it been reverse, me being invited, I'd almost have been insulted to have someone pay my bill for me unless there was a logical reason (and friends traveling to a casual party is not a logical reason).

I know that of the twelve ladies I invited last night that maybe six or eight will attend. They are busy, and timing is always a challenge, and perhaps expense as well, but I won't be offended if someone does not join us for the weekend. I just want to see my friends and enjoy sharing my new home with them...not much different than wanting to share a special weekend (birthday) with friends really :) and nothing to get upset about.

I seem to be chiming in late alot but just wanted to add that out of town parties for big birthdays are quite common now. Vegas is often the destination. I would never expect the birthday girl to pay for the travel expenses. I would however, expect adequate notice (at least a couple of months). And of course I would think some people could not make it and that wouldn't affect my friendship with them. Whoever can make it, GREAT!

I wouldn't get upset over this in the slightest!

I think I get it. If I'm reading this right...

What we have here is a group of friends who gets together a couple of times a year. It sounds like these get togethers are fairly important to the group and everyone tries to be there.

Now the next event is being planned out of town, at some expense, and clearly at some inconvenience to some in the group, or at least to Leah's DD. Yes, she can miss the trip but that would mean missing one of the important group events.

Ultimatum is probably not the right word but essentially the Bday girl is creating a sort of difficult situation, which does turn out to be a dilemma of either attending and making the inconvenient arrangements or missing the group event, clearly something that DD doesn't want to do.

So... that makes me wonder how the others in the group feel about this. Are they also feeling put out or inconvenienced? Or are they generally excited about this and not worried about arrangements to leave town?

If DD is the only one who's not thrilled with this, well, then she just has to decide to suck it up and go anyway, as it looks like she has done. But if she's not the only one, well, I'm still not sure anything can be done without hurting BDay girl's feelings, but heck, at least DD would have someone to commiserate with!

I have gone on several girl's weekend trips over the years. We do generally get together and pick a weekend that works for all of us, but if it was a birthday, I could see one of us wanting to go away for it. We generally don't take spouses, so child management isn't an issue. If someone can't go, they just come the next time.

I hope your daughter goes and has fun. Of course, just because they have this birthday party planned as a go away trip, doesn't mean another local getaway can't be planned in a few months to get everyone together like usual.