I wish they still had the Like button. Excellent post, Nancyjane.

May I add to that, be sure of what the bereaved likes to eat. Casseroles may be comfort food to some, but the men in my family think of them as glop. A lasagna is fine if it's firm, but generally they want identifiable foods prepared simply. For that kind of person, trimmed, portioned and ready to cook pieces of meat, and pre-prepped vegetables might be much more appreciated. Whereas I also know people who only want to eat pasta when they're down. That is pasta, easy on the additions.

Also, I remember Lindac saying many years ago that she picked up nice baking dishes at thrift shops for a buck or so, so she could take a dish and leave it, not expecting it back. That's so smart!! A new widow I knew was dreadfully anxious not knowing how she was going to get the dishes back to those who brought them. Perhaps it was good for her to have a tangible and fairly trivial thing to fret over, but even if the tears were really for her husband, the added stress was real. A label saying what's in it (in case of unknown allergies), how to heat it, the date, and "Please use or dispose of this dish however your please", would be kindest.

Oh! They circled like vultures!

My uncle, who was a rather young widower, said the same thing: the casserole brigade turned out to bring him casseroles.

This is when I started making his favorite meals and bagging them in foodsaver bags in 2-4 servings!

That is a very good idea.

Also, I remember Lindac saying many years ago that she picked up nice baking dishes at thrift shops for a buck or so, so she could take a dish and leave it, not expecting it back.

That is a very good idea. I keep disposable aluminum pans on hand -- not to use for my own everyday cooking, but for giving to people. Either way, NOT creating a chore for the grieving family is a very good idea.

I agree!

I just love the imagery in the OP!

I make meals for my elderly parents for their freezer. My parents love lasagne and I wrap it in individual portions. One thing I've come to realize that a serving size for each of them is smaller than what I would serve myself or my husband. Theirs is about the size of a deck of cards, but obviously much thicker.

@Joseph Corlett, LLC - inappropriate for the topic of this thread.

My mom would have brought your pops a casserole too, asked after his laundry, done his dishes. She’d have done the same both before and after my dad passed, and for your mom or you as well. She certainly didn’t need anyone’s money, and to her death considered my dad her true and only love. Maybe those widows leapt into action because they loved your mom, or missed caring for others, or believed your dad needed help. That strain of generosity is dying out, but that doesn’t make kind old widows “vultures.”

The only problem with @Joseph Corlett’s link is that I CANNOT UNSEE the golf cart reference.

I lived alone most of my life. The freezer is my friend. My widowed father obsesses about what is in his freezer. He always says, "I've got some chicken in the freezer I have to eat up." Most of this stuff has been in there only a month or so. I try to tell him, "Dad, the whole point of the freezer is that you don't have to use up the stuff super fast, it keeps 6 months or more." But being neurotic about food is his hobby, so who am I to spoil his fun.

Banana bread or other quick breads are nice and I've found to be appreciated, as are muffins. Both can be frozen and individual portions thawed. Last year when a close family friend died, her daughter and her husband actually declined food gifts. They said they had too much food already and couldn't eat it up just the two of them. That's become an issue during the pandemic. Folks in the Jewish tradition often gather in groups at the homes of the grieving and a lot of food is served. But with the pandemic, not so much last year. Not sure about in the future.

So many people now are dieting and watching their weight. It's really difficult if you grew up in a big comfort food sharing tradition. Both knowing what to bring, and also avoiding overeating if you get exposed to it. The funeral I was just at had very little in the way of food, all pre-prepared. Two years ago I went to a funeral of a much loved member of the community and church, lordy the food filled up almost two rooms!! All the good church lady stuff!! There was an army in the church kitchen packing up stuff to send out after the luncheon. I got a care package for my Dad . . . all his faves.

Oh and I totally agree about the men worrying that the widows are after them. Don't flatter yourself!! They feel sorry for you and are trying to help. They've been there and come out the other end. I know some of his widow friends who were friends of my mother only hang with him out of lingering love for my mother knowing she would appreciate it. My Dad gets all awkward around widows, but he's old school. Of course women from that generation know how to please and flatter men. That doesn't mean they want a "boyfriend" as my Dad will say. Dad, you're 89 . . . I frankly wish one of them would nab him and take care of him for me!!

When my grandmother died my grandfather did not want any food but he wanted a cleaning tech and (with a wink) somebody who was cute. Unfortunately his daughters didn't want to use his retirement money (i.e. their inheritance) to spring for a service so they did it for him. I'm sure he regretted the request; they're such mean women. They were vultures!

I remember while stationed in German, when a military spouse had her baby we sprang for a cleaning service for several months.

"A little thread drift is a good thing. If you don't like what I post, move on please. Sanctimony is so unbecoming."

Joseph - not sanctimony. This thread is about an elderly family member passing away, and ways to help the surviving family member. It's not about STDs. There is no "drift"; your link has no connection to the topic. The topic makes you uncomfortable, so rather than moving on, you had to post about STDs. Harty har har nudge nudge from sophomoric @Joseph Corlett, LLC.

I usually take smoked meats to a grieving family but wait until on the day of or after the funeral and let them know ahead of time what I will be bringing and ask them what day they would like it. Usually the days surrounding the funeral brings more of the family and friends to town with more mouths to feed. I usually make ribs, brisket, and sausages and include traditional BBQ sides.

I greatly appreciated any and all food during the time between my Mom's death and her funeral. It was Feb. so the whole process between her dying and getting a funeral going took two weeks. My brother had to get here from overseas, etc. And then burial in Feb. when it is 11 below is another issue. Jews mourn for a month and folks bring food during that whole time. My mother died suddenly and tragically, there were many, many things I had to deal with, including my traumatized father and many home things outside of all the funeral and burial arrangements and out of town guests, etc. I was exhausted and greatly appreciated any and all help. Visits were comforting too, if they were short. But I hear from lots of folks who hate all of that. So who knows. We loved the house filled up with flowers too. One of my best friends made and gave me a pair of mittens. That was so sweet and comforting.

That's a stretch. Forget it @Joseph Corlett, LLC, I am done with this discussion. When people show who they are, believe them.

Oh my, people! It was meant to be light hearted and also what everyone thought about what was brought after the death of a spouse!

I'm thinking if there are any deaths in the family, I will bring my foodsaver and an extra roll of bags in order to set the bereaved up with meals for months!

Keep living the good life!

So....I understand the sentiment behind the tradition of bringing food to the survivors, but I am someone who does not welcome random food from people. I would see it as a huge burden to have to dispose of. In our family, any event, weddings to funerals to baptisms and holidays, the food is planned to the tee, Leftovers for the "host" are planned into the menu, and no outside food please. However, I know that is different from the norm.

Most good people want to help in a hard time, and food is usually the first and best thing they can think of. I always ask. what can I do to help? I am not going to show up with a random casserole that they have to deal with. I can think of other things they have to deal with. Do you need food? Help going through or cleaning out anything? Or hauling anything away?( I "joke" that if SO goes before me my first call would be to 1-800-GOT JUNK to get rid of the odd useless things he wants to keep around that drive me nuts. There is a transmission in my kitchen right now. A transmission. That will go first. ) Do you need me to pose as your sugar baby to ward off the vultures? I will do that. I am still young enough to pull that off. I have accompanied friends to a funeral home to ward off the death industry vultures. To be a voice a reason when they would pay for the extra fluffy pillows in the deluxe super love ya the most casket deals. In some cases, elderly people need help running their homes. If my mother went before my father, he would not know the basics of certain things. Anything to do with technology is beyond him. Well, maybe not beyond his understanding, but it is much easier to let my mother deal with it and just complain when a problem comes up. Same thing with me and my SO. He is not elderly but has NO interest or understanding of things like online banking or bill paying, anything to do with our subscriptions like YouTube Tv or amazon prime, does not know how to order things online, etc. He just has me do it. Poor thing doesn't even have an email and doesn't want one. I would offer to help them understand those type of things if need be. When my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother moved in with us. She did not know how to drive, write a check, pay a bill, did not understand that when you charged something on a credit card you had to pay the credit card company back, etc. And never learned either. Did not want to. It was pathetic. She let her husband handle everything and then expected my parents to do it after his death. And they did.

They had to.

In the immediate aftermath of the event, for a close family member, I offer to clean their home in preparation for the upcoming reception, and offer to stay after to help clean up. If they want food, I am all over it. I love to cook for people, but I never do it without asking or being asked to do it.

Oh, and the widower vultures are no myth.....They are amusing to an extent, but vultures nonetheless.