I think it’s common to send a representative to pay respects when someone is unable to. In our family when a loved aunt died my mother was too ill to travel to the service of her sister. I attended as the family representative.

Any person attending represents the family they are from. If a person asks another to convey their sorrow or joy at any occasion be it a funeral or christening they are asking that person to directly represent them.

Agree......I have gone to the service for people I scarcely knew because another member of my family was unable to go.
And when sending a card I address it to "The Family".

There seems to be a consensus, which is why I appreciate coming here!

It’s interesting though that DH always feels an obligation to attend. He feels he is reciprocating.

I think if you could attend and you don't is one thing. But if you can't attend and someone is there from the family to send along your sentiments, that's very nice. It's especially appreciated when its someone much older who dies and their peers are infirmed and can't make it so a child comes instead to represent them.

For me, expressing condolences and best wishes, whether by correspondence or by physical presence, is about the grieving family and has nothing to do with the people or groups expressing their support in whatever way they choose to.

Having been in that position myself a number of times, at least for us, there was zero concern about who did or didn't do what, who did or didn't attend. What mattered at the time was dealing with the death, not taking attendance or crossing names off a list.

It's silly (or even an imaginative thought of self-importance) to think that in the case of a death there's someone standing with their arms folded, tapping a foot and whistling quietly, waiting to hear from you.

I have represented our family numerous times at funerals. I may not be able to make it to actual funerals because of work but I make sure I attend visiting hour. I think the last thing the family is thinking about is me not being there.

I agree with you Elmer and Krysral. Of course.

Although, if key players are missing, yes even the bereaved will notice.

I think "representing the family" is more a term used when no one else can or does show up, that the only one who does show up is, by default, the only representative. Not that they are there actively in the stead of other family members.

When my husband died, I was so appreciative that so many people came to his service. I felt embraced by our community and their respect and love for him. I didn't notice anyone who wasn't there.

One of my uncles died (he wasn't related by blood but married to my mother's sister) in 1976 and I didn't go to his funeral (I had to work and was in a profession that made it very difficult to miss work). I was not close to him at all. In 2006, when I was helping care for my aunt (his wife) she told me how hurt and mad she was that I didn't show up for his funeral! I couldn't believe it, that she had held onto that for 30 years. So some people notice and care who shows up.

Oly, yes I agree.

If you didn’t “show up“ for me while I was alive, please don’t show up after I’m gone, feigning sorrow and accepting condolences. Be there for me now, when it actually matters.

"she had held onto that for 30 years. So some people notice and care who shows up."

I would say most people have better things to think about and aren't so petty.

I reflect back on when each of my parents died (nearly 10 years apart) , and also when one of my in-laws died. I'm not sure I gave any thought to who would come or not because I had other things to deal with and I didn't much care. How would I have known who didn't come? The majority were their friends, neighbors, and work associates, very few of whom I knew or even knew of. Attending is each individual's personal choice or circumstance - for the family and close relationships, it's a time to have good thoughts, not a time for poisonous ones or for anger.

It is all about respect or lack of it.

My mother, who was not normally a user nor a repository of fortune cookie-esque sayings and sentiments, would say occasionally "If you want to be upset with someone and go looking for a problem or a something to be outraged about, you'll find something rather than come home empty-handed".

For me, a person going or not going to a funeral isn't "all about" anything nor is it any kind of test that gets a pass or fail grade.

It is all about respect or lack of it.

@maifleur03: Could you please explain what you meant? I take it to mean that if someone doesn’t attend a funeral it’s disrespectful (and vice-versa). Is that right?

“It is all about respect or lack of it.”

There are many people who do not do funerals..

It does not make them bad or disrespectful.

There are different ways to look at things. Some people get very emotional in the best of times.

Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So, while some can let things roll, others can’t.

My purpose of this thread was to understand my cousin’s statement and many here have clarified that yes one person can represent others. A new way for me to look at things.

Maybe this varies from place to place or from community to community but I'm surprised to hear many familiar with the concept of a "I'm here as a representative...." as a practice. It does seem to speak to a record of attendance being taken, why would it otherwise matter?

There are many ways to convey condolences and best wishes - phone calls, text or email messages, mailed notes, would all work. In addition to keeping an attendance sheet, is there also a time deadline? I'm not sure about some of these practices, maybe it's me who's out of step with everyone else?

I'll echo maddielee's comment, some people don't do funerals. Does someone who can't or doesn't want to go to one need to find someone who is going to deliver an excuse for them? I don't think so.

Does having a "representative" excuse them from the need to be thoughtful using the direct contact method they prefer to use instead? No, I don't think it does that either.

Here they do keep a record of attendance at funerals, not sure why, though perhaps it’s to refresh the memory of the grieving family who aren’t tracking too well as to who they saw at the funeral.

I usually do not do funerals. Especially if its a family member. I went to my last bosses funeral because while I adored her, and was shocked and upset by her unexpected death, I was not as emotionally invested in her as I am say family. I went to support her daughter who was essentially all alone.

I don't like funerals. I hate when they have the person just laid out to be gawked at. I do not wish to remember a loved one like that. I told my family and SO that if I die and they put me on display like a rotisserie chicken, I would come back and haunt them all. And I will not be one of those nice, slightly spooky, maybe its a ghost maybe it the wind ghosts. I would be one of those break your stuff and leave scratches on your butt ghosts.

Also, I think the death business is a huge scam that preys on the emotions of people. And I do not support that.

As for the original question, I haven't given it much thought, but I don't see how sending one person as a rep for a group or family would be any different than sending flowers as a group. People who keep track of who DIDN'T show rather than who did strike me as a little petty TBH.

All but one of the funerals I’ve ever been to have been cremations which are over in about 20-30 minutes. Viewing the body is very unusual here, thank goodness. I’ve never experienced it. Indeed there is a growing trend not to have a funeral at all. The body is taken straight from the place of death or morgue to the crematorium and there’s a celebration of the life at a later date. I’ve only been to one funeral in a church and that was followed by cremation. I’ve not come across anyone taking note of who attends.

“ I’ve not come across anyone taken note of who attends.”

Interesting. At every visitation or funeral I have attended there has been a guest book to sign. I know that my mother was glad to have it after my father died. She had not realized that some of the people (who signed it) had been there.

It’s also okay for people to sign the book before the actual service. People who may not want “to do” a funeral but want to show they care by taking the time to stop by the funeral home.

I have gone to quite a few funerals, or calling hours, as a family representative. Most were of my parent's generation, family that I have only maybe met once or twice, maybe as a very small child, ect., and my parents were to ill to attend anymore, and have done so since they have passed. I have one remaining aunt. She doesn't drive distances anymore, and I am pleased to be able to attend with her. My brother has a job that it's not easy for him to take time off from at short notice. So, yes, I represent the family. I share condolences for all of us. Some of these funerals have been hours from my home, and since I don't work away from home, it's easiest for me to do so. Those that they have attended in my stead, I have also sent sympathy cards to the family. And, as mentioned above, the cards are addressed to the family. Our world has changed a lot in the past 40+ years, when family still lived within a 30 mile radius. We can't all manage to attend funerals, even if we wanted to. If it's a very close family member, we all absolutely do our best to be there, though. Though I really don't think that is what was meant by the OP.

Sadly, I have had news today of a very close friend who passed yesterday. She is/was 3 hours from my home, and I am 1000 miles away from home right now. Will I be able to be there? I don't know. Arrangements have not been finalized. The family will know that we are there in spirit, even if we can not make it.

I’ve never seen a guest book at a funeral, only at a celebration of life. I’ve also never been to a funeral home. I don’t think that’s really a thing here. The body goes to the funeral director and doesn’t reappear until the coffin comes to the crematorium or church. Of course things may be different at funerals in different religions and cultures which I’ve not been to.

I used to work at a skydiving facility and was friends with many of the regular skydivers, some of whom were foreign nationals.

One of our regulars, a young Japanese man, was sadly caught by a freak gust of wind as he jumped and he was flung against the body of the plane and broke his neck. We were all gutted.

His funeral was here and before the funeral there was a viewing. I was told it was a Japanese culture thing (it's not a thing here) and it would be good manners and a support for his parents to attend. I did want to support this lad's parents (I will never forget his mother's anguished cries at her son's funeral, makes me want to cry thinking about it now and it was 15 years ago) but I wanted to remember him full of life and laughing, not as a laid out corpse. So I attended the viewing chapel and signed the attendance book, but stayed at the rear and quietly said some prayers for him and his family. The body was not on view at the funeral.

Colleen, I know what you mean. So sad.

When I got married to my Catholic husband I had to get used to viewing the body at the funeral home. The person is nicely dressed with full make up.

My DH and I go up to the casket together, which makes it a bit easier for me.

For me though, one thing has nothing to do with the other. Viewing a person for a few minutes does not take the place of all the other memories of that person.

Where I am located (NE), wakes are standard and for most of the ones I've attended, there is a guest book, basket or table for cards, and an open casket where attendees must pass by before meeting the family (usually set up in a receiving line). Some people pray at the casket. Also, there's usually photo albums, posters with photos, sometimes televisions with slide shows, memorabilia, etc. Given it is traditional around here, I think it can help in the family's grieving process; for a middle aged person who passed recently, my husband waited 4 hours to get into a wake and express condolences to the family. I can't imagine the family would recall everyone who attended (or didn't) with so many people.

I agree with eld... while viewing can be disconcerting (I am not one to pray at the casket), for me, that does not replace better memories of the person. And yes, when our whole family has not been able to attend a service, we do feel the person who can attend is "representing" the rest of us (and if appropriate, we do mention that when speaking with the family).

Tami mentioned our world has changed a lot; perhaps it has, but then again, perhaps not. My Dad left his home country at the age of 17; and never saw his parents again. He was in touch (letters) and was aware when they passed (about 50 years ago now).

Colleen, I am sorry about the young man. I am sure that was devastating for all of you.

HB, I hadn't thought of those who imigrated not being able to attend the funeral of loved ones. You are right. I was thinking about how far away family members move for jobs and not being able to attend.

The guest book at funerals contains space for addresses, not just the name of the person who attended the funeral or viewing. Since there are many who attend, and send flowers and cards, that the family doesn't know, this also gives them names and addresses to be able to send thank you cards for the gifts of rememberance. I know I have found comfort in going back and looking through the guest book for both of my parents, seeing how many came to show their respects. It also surprised me when I saw names of people I knew but didn't remember seeing at the funeral home. And since there were quite a few friends that they knew who had passed, there were many who came, at least for the viewing if not to the funeral, who came to represent their deceased parents. It was so nice to be told that "my parent worked, or bowled, or whatever, with your mom/dad, and always talked about how much they enjoyed their company/friendship"

I've gone to several funerals not knowing any of the family, only the deceased. Just so the family could know that their family member was like and respected by me.

I try to go to all family funerals for cousins, etc but if I didn't go I don't think they would miss me or notice if I wasn't there. They are too busy grieving. My Dad had an overflowing attendance at his funeral. I wouldn't have noticed who attended or who didn't attend. I wasn't focusing on who was there.

My step-mother-in-law passed away yesterday. She was not close to any of her husband's children. No-one is traveling for her services but one of my husband's brothers will attend to represent the family. The rest of us are sending flowers or cards out of respect.

I do not like open caskets myself. When I attend such a wake I keep my eyes cast downward when near the casket to avoid seeing a dead body. I find it ghoulish. No-one seems to have ever noticed my eyes being downward or closed. I am probably not the only person who does that.

Elizabeth, I am sure you are not. In my opinion, it looks like you are praying, or having a quiet thoughts while paying respects at the casket.

Having been taken to funerals as a young child I am used to them. Ghoulish to some but I always have been fascinated at the respect shown or sometimes not to the deceased by the mortuary attendants. By respect I mean did they attempt to make the person look their best or did they just slap some makeup and clothing on. The grieving family if they want to see the deceased one last time is the latter. I also found out a long time ago often for visitations that closed casket or urn has nothing in it unless the family requests it.

Just as there's nothing obligatory about attending a funeral, there's nothing obligatory about passing by an open casket, or even a closed one. If you're at a funeral and want to simply leave when the service ends or greet the family a bit later, then do so.

I do agree about not passing an open casket if you choose not to. On a few occasions, my husband has been holding my hand as he walked to the casket and I therefore remained at his side.

I was relived when the 3 day wake tradition ended here. It was very difficult for the family to sit at the funeral home for the afternoon and evening viewings for three days, greeting their guests. By the end of it the family was exhausted.

Elizabeth, my condolences. I do understand how you feel about going up to the casket. It took me years to be able to do so, and I still sometimes have trouble with it, and either do as you do, or just stay back. With both of my parents we only had one day of visitation before the funeral. For my dad it was January, with bad weather, and we had a blizzard the day we had the funeral. He plowed snow for our county, and I could hear him giving us all kinds of heck for being out in that weather on the roads! I can still hear him in my mind! Mom was in October. For both of them, there wasn't much family their age left, but many friends. It just made sense, people wise and $ wise, to only do the one day. Even then it was exhausting.

Wow, I never realized wakes used to run three days. I grew up in the Catholic tradition on the West Coast; the evening before the funeral there was a rosary in which the rosary was recited and there was a couple-hour visitation before or after that. The next day was the funeral Mass. I hated the open casket and thought my dad looked very odd. The last open-casket funeral we went to was for a dear relative on my husband's side and I decided then and there that I wasn't going up. There were enough people that it didn't matter.

You have my sympathy, Elizabeth.