COVID project - Dealing with moms things
JJ
3 years ago
last modified: 3 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (68)
Related Discussions
Bio moms vs. Step mom (including TOW)
Comments (150)Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating....See MoreAre you satisfied with how your state is managing Covid-19 response?
Comments (48)As someone who deals with facts on a daily basis in addition to the skill of evaluating the validity of research data (I teach science), the idea that data and facts cannot be objectively verified I find puzzling. As I mentioned, we use facts all the time to make decisions, for example, we check the weather before going somewhere to determine how to dress. Weather predictions are made based on facts, measurements and data. But, since weather is a system that is highly variable (many data points and facts affect the system) there is always going to be some level of uncertainty in your predictions. Meteorologists factor that into their weather reports, and usually give a range of predictions, such as 20% chance of rain. That is not zero, btw, so I always carry a collapsible umbrella in my car. But we don't assume that a meteorologist has some hidden political agenda, nor do we necessarily question the need for weather forecasting, particularly those of us in outdoor professions who depend on reliable weather data to make critical decisions. I have no reason to doubt that the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security, one of the most respected and admired research centers in the world, would not be working diligently to present the best and most valid data available. Also, since science thrives on constant questioning and examination, they would not rest until more and more "truth" could be determined. I know science constantly refines ideas, I'm comfortable with evolving advice based on the results of more and more information being investigated and newer data coming in. That's why medical advice evolves over time and what was once standard advice, (like taking vit. E protects against heart disease, for example, which has evolved to it being a minor preventative factor if at all, not trumping genetics, and having no benefit in clinical studies as a treatment, in fact in might be a detriment and is no longer supported by the American Heart Association). I not only have confidence in the public health researchers at the University of Michigan and my alma mater Michigan State, for example, I feel blessed beyond compare that I live in a state where such institutions can exist and thrive. I feel the same way about the Johns Hopkins Center, their web site is a marvel of useful and helpful information. As well as the many professional groups I belong to that share "truths" amongst members so we can develop strategies to meet all kinds of situations arising out of real data coming out of the real world. For example, the spotted lanternfly is similar to this covid-19 virus in that it has the potential to decimate dozens of economic fruit crops. No one is questioning the validity or political agendas of folks reporting on its spread, nor on ideas for mitigation and control. That's the irony to me, I live in a state known for having more colleges than just about any other state, (we are number 9 for number of colleges) and yet folks want to refuse the good advice one can find here for FREE! Folks from all over the world come here to convene with some of the best brains on the planet! When it was just "their loss" I was fine with it. Now, when it is my own close family at risk and myself, not satisfied! I have also noted, that in my rural area, there is a movement to not only flaunt social distancing recommendations and rules, but also other laws regarding social conduct. For example, two weekends ago a gang of three wheelers rode up and down the streets in my neighborhood for quite a while, knowing full well that ORVs are not allowed on public roads. It was totally annoying because we were outside trying to enjoy the beauty and peace of our yard. It's happening on a regular basis now, folks going out and engaging in socially disruptive behavior, I guess either hoping to draw folks into conflicts or hoping no one will come out to stop them from the local neighborhood. My friend's husband is a policeman, and this is totally adding to their stress unnecessarily since they are not only having to police serious crimes, but respond to the health crisis as well. So they do not need to deal with things like folks setting off firecrackers, etc.which are totally avoidable. Regarding the three wheelers, eventually they got bored and moved on, but such things are happening on a regular basis in my neighborhood, gangs of trucks and motorcyclists driving around revving their motors, etc. And I'm not talking about groups gathering for socially distancing parties, which we had up the street from us. That was very clear what was going on as the cars all had "Happy Birthday" balloons decorating them. There are several cases of church communities being ravaged by the virus here in MI and some folks have lost MULTIPLE family members. We stopped going to church before it was cancelled, and we intend to keep on participating virtually. The biggest issue for me is how to continue to support local feeding efforts which our church was heavily involved in as volunteers. I am having to remind myself to regularly donate to the food pantry now online with money instead of food, and also not forget to regularly tithe at church....See MoreMy 90 yo Mom's Covid Test.....
Comments (37)My co-worker has a brother in a nursing home here in Calgary that has had two outbreaks of Covid in HIS unit! He's been tested many many times and never gotten it. He's been very lucky, but went five months without being allowed out of his unit nor having his sisters and nieces come visit him. He has dementia and is only 65 years old and we don't believe he realized how long he had gone without seeing them. He was in another lockdown last month when another patient came down with Covid. That along with my co-worker taking care of her 101 year old mother in her home has taken a toll on her. Half the time her mom can't remember who her daughter is. A few weeks ago, co-worker was pouring her mom a coffee and her mom asked her how long she worked there. Her mom thought they were in a coffee shop, I think. Her brother rarely remembers exactly who she is. I'm sorry to hear your mom's test result for covid is positive. Let's stay really positive and hope it stays milk and she has a complete recovery. I've seen many stories of people even old than she who have completely recovered. ((hugs to you))...See MoreBuy In-Store or Online during COVID
Comments (39)@Katie Thompson Not a KD, but here is my feedback to your design. - Is there any possibilities to put the DW on the other side of the sink so that it is not between your sink and cooktop. This way you could have storage for your pans and pots next to the cooktop. Do you need (or already have this range? It seems really large for a small kitche. I am sure some pro will give you other feedback, but those are the ones that jump to my eyes. This said, it also depends how you cook.. If you are the only person in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning, the DW location is not that a big deal, but if you cook while somebody else cleans/empties the DW, this may be a problem. If you cook a lot and need such a large range, you will find that your prep space (24"on one side, 21" on the other) may be too small for prepping. A lart point, you may want to add another cabinet next to the fridge in order to use as a landing surface, Good luck....See MoreJJ
3 years agoJJ
3 years agolast modified: 3 years agoJJ
3 years agoJJ
3 years agoJJ
3 years agoJJ
3 years agoJJ
3 years agolast modified: 3 years agoJJ
3 years agolast modified: 3 years agoJJ
3 years ago
Related Stories
MOST POPULARFirst Things First: How to Prioritize Home Projects
What to do when you’re contemplating home improvements after a move and you don't know where to begin
Full StoryWORKING WITH PROS8 Things Interior Designers Want You to Know
Get the scoop on certifications, project scope, working from afar and more
Full StoryREMODELING GUIDES10 Things to Do Before the Renovation Begins
Prep and plan with this insight in hand to make your home remodeling project run more smoothly
Full StoryLIFE5 Things to Think About Before Adding an In-Law Suite
Multigenerational households are on the rise, but there’s a lot to consider when dreaming up a new space for mom or dad
Full StoryRESILIENCEWin Clients by Investing in Your Business During COVID-19
Design business consultant Enoch Sears shares tips for growing your business in the midst of a pandemic
Full StoryHOUZZ TOURSHouzz Tour: Just What Mom Wanted, Off the Washington Coast
With an art studio, age-in-place features and a view-maximizing design, this home shows just how well the architect knows his client
Full StoryHOUSEKEEPINGAll Together Now: Tackle Home Projects With a DIY Co-op
You're in good company when you pair up with a pal to clean, organize, repair and replace
Full StoryLIFEHouzz Call: What Has Mom Taught You About Making a Home?
Whether your mother taught you to cook and clean or how to order takeout and let messes be, we'd like to hear about it
Full StoryHOUZZ CALLWhat Person, Place or Thing Inspired Your Home Design?
Was it a movie? A vacation view? A colorful scarf? Tell us what sparked your vision and how you brought it to life
Full StoryMOST POPULAR8 Things Successful Architects and Designers Do
Good architects tell a story and engage the senses. They understand the rules — and know when to break them
Full Story
curlycook