I'm sorry Moni. I'm sure that sounds hurtful and must have been to your sister too.

My own, with some dementia, has stayed cheerful in a way none of us expected through all of this. We are just now (as of May 30) allowed window visits where we are outside on a patio, she is brought to a first floor room where the window is open but screened. 40 minute visits, appointment required. If the window were to be kept closed (my mother has lost a significant amount of hearing that even hearing aids doesn't overcome), I can't imagine it might be more than frustrating, probably not especially helpful.

I am hearing more and more from residents of these facilities they are in hell/prison, feeling tortured not loved and protected. Many are choosing to defy the rules and leave, visit in court yards etc. It's what they say about good intentions.

I hear you.

We can't even do those visits because she can't hear and her dementia is so deep, she'd just be confused. So any visit we do would be "selfish" on our part. We've done without the entrie time and it's causing so much pain. To us. She's ok. She's happy to have visitors, and misses us when we're gone, but forgets you've been there within minutes. So she passes the time with the workers.

I miss her so freaking much!!!! I have at least a weekly nightmare that involves her.

How difficult for all.

I have wanted my mom to go to a retirement community for the longest time. She’d have to go to the nursing unit, I’m sure. Now I’m so grateful she is not there. She’s having a hard enough time understanding what’s going on in the world, further exacerbated by a five day power outage. If she did not have us to talk to and visit her, I wonder whether she would even survive.

Visiting through a window would be horribly frustrating and I can understand why your mother would rather not.

"Many are choosing to defy the rules and leave, visit in court yards etc."

That's really ignorant and selfish of them. In some places, that could very well jeopardize the health of others.

We have an oldster in the family who had just moved to a senior living facility about a year ago. She has no dementia but she's never been very bright.

The family supplied her with an iPad about 10 weeks ago that uses a cell phone connection. I wasn't involved but it was set up so that all she needs to do is keep it charged and press on one icon that comes on when there's an incoming video call. It's been working fine from all reports, allows her family and friends to visit with her. When she wants to originate a visit, she makes a phone call so that the intended person can "call back" using Facetime.

Dedtired, you might at some point want to have your mother evaluated. We had thought ours might be ready for memory care or close to that, going by what one of her doctors nurses was saying. None of the places I toured with Memory Care felt even remotely right to me for her. I took her to a geriatric psychiatrist and he pointed out some of what her doctor was seeing was the hearing loss. She is in enhanced assisted in her own apartment and doing really well. She has the choice of participating in social activities, dining room meals, or not. Her care is excellent, we are blessed to have someplace where she is shown so much warmth and concern for her comfort. And since the pandemic lockdown? She's gained a little weight! Trying to encourage her to eat had been an ongoing stress for at least a couple of years.

I talk to her on her cap call phone every day, speak to her care coordinator (an RN) weekly, and now can see her by appointment at a window. Hopefully the next step will be interviewed and screened, I'll be allowed upstairs again and DH and I are both conducting ourselves with that in mind, taking no casual risks.

What's a cap call phone?

My aunt who went into a memory care place in February, there was the same problem. No visits except thru a window or screen. I was unable to visit her, but yesterday she passed away, at 95. I fell apart last night. I was surprised, that my reaction was even more so than when my Mother passed. After thinking it thru I realized that when my Mom passed I had lots to do and keep my mind focused. This time I could just grieve for Auntie, I was quite close to her. But I am glad that she and her kids do not have to continue to work thru this in these trying times.

Elmer, it’s a phone with captions .

morz8, I have a feeling my mom is much more frail,than yours. I do think her hearing loss contributes greatly to her confusion. She also lost her vision in one ye and I worry that she’ll lose her vision altogether. She would not be able to keep,up,with captions, unfortunately. Yes, having her evaluated would be necessary, even required, before she could go to assisted living .

i hope you can visit your mom soon.

Kathyg, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Elmer, a captioned phone. She no longer uses her computer, but has internet service for the phone. She can speak into it like any other phone, nothing new for her to learn or do other than read our words on her screen, tabletop at her TV chair side. It works well most of the time. Occasionally, just like captions on her television, it makes a mess of what I've said even with me speaking slowly and clearly ;0)

My dad's home just built a "visiting booth" on the front porch. It's a three-sided plexiglass enclosure, where the resident sits "inside" with visitors "outside." We got to test-run it the other day. It was so good to see him in person! Once we all were in position, we could take off masks. Visual contact was great; hearing was muffled both ways. They are looking into adding a two-way audio baby monitor to help.

My dad also has done surprisingly well these past 2-3 months, it helps that he has no realistic sense of time anymore. We talk on the phone daily, and he will mention someone stopped by and they went for a drive, or he might go to a movie tonight ... "Gee that sounds great, Dad."

Elmer, facetime & iPads & other social media have helped many of the other residents at dad's place keep in touch with their families, but my father is beyond coping with that level of technology.

Robb, everyone's different -- one of my siblings thought we should refuse to visit because it would confuse or frustrate Dad. Me & other sib thought differently, so we went. Dad enjoyed seeing us in the moment, and likely could not remember any details 10 minutes after we left. But every good moment leaves a good impression, so it was worthwhile for all of us.

Kathyg, I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt. Peace to all who loved and cared for her.

I just have to brag about my MIL. Soon to be 102, extremely sharp and well informed, loves nothing more than to visit with her family and friends yet has not uttered one complaint about having to eat alone in her room or not being able to have visitors. There's a reason they're called the The Greatest Generation.

Kathy I am sorry about your aunt.

Moni

nickel, thanks! She wouldn't get anything out of anything they'll let us do. I appreciate your suggestion.

The longer this goes on the stronger the SCIENCE is. Turns out COVID isn't spread through germs hanging out on surfaces. It sin't spread by asymptomatic people..it is AIRBORNE. Let these people #1 visit with each other locked in!!! #2 Visit with their families, after proper health screening i.e. taking of temperature, asking pertinent questions!!! This was stupid from day one and HISTORY and SCIENCE is PROVING IT!!!

Ach, Moni! Do you know what *happened* to her, to make your mother like that? (Many years after her death, doing some family 'sleuthing' allowed me to understand why my grandmother was the ashamed and bitter woman I knew.)

I'm sorry for all of you trying to cope with Aged P's (Dickens) who are institutionalized for their own good. This situation may be worst for those with intact cognitive abilities than those for whom every minute is a new experience -- as disconcerting as THAT must be.

DH and decided last year that we couldn't see ourselves in any kind of congregate facility now. Unless/until one of us has memory disorder, we'll stay put.

I'm not sure why mentally competent residents can't visit with one another. Aren't they all well past quarantine? Aren't staff being tested for symptoms as they come on duty? Couldn't a new resident do quarantine, then mingle?

chisue, there's all sorts of retirement communities, all sorts of variations of independent, assisted, and total care arrangements, so I can't speak for everyone. At my dad's not-for-profit community, residents are strongly encouraged to keep 6 foot apart, wear masks when walking about, and confine their walking to their own "area" (generally a cluster of 16 residential rooms) or walk outside. But yes they can and do talk with each other. Staff are examined as they report for duty each day. Staff who interact with residents are focused on a certain area -- so both the residents and staff are kept as much as possible in separate "bubbles" instead of being scattered throughout the whole campus. The thought is that viral spread by "pre-symptomatic"* staff would therefore be limited in scope rather than scattered throughout the whole campus. So far so good -- only two staff people who self-isolated early, and zero residents with the virus.

Dad's place hasn't allowed new people to move into the community at all since mid-March. (There is a short-term skilled nursing area that has one wing set aside for 'new' admissions.) When Virginia moves into Phase Two, they will be able to allow new residents in Independent Living; but assisted and memory care will continue to be closed to anyone other than existing Independent Living residents who must have more care -- no new "outsider" admissions.

A smaller, cheaper, for-profit nursing home in town had over 20 resident deaths -- they did not take so many precautions. Things to keep in mind if/when anyone considers a move.

*pre-symptomatic vs. asymptomatic, terminology clarification necessary thanks to the WHO :-(

Arcy, please don't post untrue sentences. It is possible to pick up Covid from surfaces; there isn't as strong of a link as that of an infected person breathing/coughing on you. And no one said it's not spread by asymptomatic people, only that it may be a little less "spreadable" by same. Why are you encouraging more infection? This is not a political discussion.

My friend is in rehab and getting no treatment but they won't release her. No visitors either, its been four months.