Oh for Pete's sake, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to think the fiance is some kind of psycho abuser wanting to molest OP's granddaughter. This is blame-shifting at it's finest. It's irresponsible and slanderous and it doesn't help the OP at all. If anything is leads her down a false path that will only make her problems with her daughter worse. Per OP, the fiance doesn't seem to like her or her husband much. He is not warm, doesn't make much eye contact and seems to avoid them to a certain extent. However, she also reports that he is civil and there's been no open hostility or disagreement or harsh words. He appears to dislike them, but has not withheld his daughters from the OP, which he could have done if he disliked her intensely. OP considers his daughters to be unruly brats who don't really belong to her family, altho she's willing to make a small effort to play step-grandmother if it's not too much trouble. The fiance did participate in the Disney breakfast altho it was clear he was not happy about it--so he's willing to accommodate her to a certain extent to keep family peace. To try to blame the estrangement on him, and then escalate him into an abusing child molester is ridiculous. In any interpersonal conflict there is fault on both sides, even though usually everyone wants to believe that they are completely innocent and misused. If you are estranged from a family member, you ARE partially at fault. People don't like hearing that; they think they must be an exception, but it doesn't work that way. And nothing can be resolved until they are willing to own their part of the problem. Nothing. In fact, it will continue to get worse as long as someone insists they are perfectly lovely and always correct and complete victim. The OP has a multi decade relationship with her daughter. It's long and complicated. But we know that her daughter worries about the OP making scenes, and that worry would be based upon past experience. We know the daughter has accused OP of trying to buy her and her children, and in fact OP did state she built a $100,000 for a 2 year old (altho I am sure that's not the only reason the pool was built I hope). The problem was severe enough, the daughter forbade further gifts and the OP worries about gifts and cards being returned. She has only recently sent a tub of popcorn at Thanksgiving which is not inappropriate, if it came before the request to stop sending gifts. If it came afterwards, it was pushy and way out of bounds. Per OP she's had problems with several other family members. And she was pushy and insensitive regarding the Disney trip. They invited themselves, and then when they found out they weren't wanted after buying the tickets but before getting on the plane, they did not change the date of their vacation or did not go as scheduled but stay away from the daughter's family (which would have been easy to do). She insisted on a breakfast. She did not respect what they wanted. We can also see from what the OP wrote that she has conflicting requirements, she doesn't want to be in large gatherings with the girls, unless it's at Disney. She doesn't like coping with all of them, but is willing to babysit. She calls them unruly, out of control and screeching, but says they are lovely. She doesn't want to take them out in public, unless apparently they are at an amusement park. We also see from the OP's post that she is reactionary, resists self insight, and lashes out easily when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear. You can imagine how difficult would be for her daughter to deal with. And the OP's rejection of her newborn son over not getting to see her daughter alone would be very painful and angering. The OP is unreasonably rigid. We see from what the OP wrote here she is very focused on what she wants and does not seem to be much aware of the wants of her daughter. That her daughter wants something different than what OP wants does not make what the daughter wants wrong or bad, just different. But OP doesn't see that, she only sees that it is not what she wants and finds that sufficient basis to judge her daughter's wants as being wrong. Two strong willed women whose wants conflict does not in any way mean a third person is an child molesting abuser. It's very clear that the OP is at fault here. The daughter is also at fault. She is as inflexible as her mother, and just because her mother is rigid, does not make it right for the daughter to be rigid. What harm would it be to allow some time for grandmother and granddaughter to be alone together at least on occasion? One would think the daughter would understand OP would like to recreate that time she spent with her grandmother and the time when her granddaughter lived with her. I wonder if the daughter has nice memories of spending time along with her grandmother, or did the OP not facilitate that relationship? I also wonder if the daughter is worried about her mother showing favoritism among the children. The favoritism is clear (and understandable perhaps) especially the distinction between the biological granddaughter and step granddaughters, but it's hard believe the daughter would tolerate her mother favoring her daughter over the son. The daughter also has problems communicating with her mother. She didn't want her mother to come on the vacation and yet when her parents asked, she didn't say so right out then. Perhaps she was afraid of a scene. But that's not an excuse to not be clear. l Perhaps she thought it was rhetorical, it wouldn't really happen, or thought it meant it was something they should do sometime, not necessarily this time. A sort of 'let's do lunch' proposal. But again, it was her responsibility as well as OP's to make sure they were talking about the same thing. OP said she seemed initially approving of the idea then changed her mind after the tickets were purchased. Maybe she liked the idea but her fiance didn't and she encouraged the self-inviting without considering it was also her fiance's vacation and she should have spoken to him before allowing anyone else to crash the vacation, particularly since he's made it clear, they aren't his favorite people. So perhaps she initially encouraged her parents to join the vacation w/o thinking of her fiance's feelings. And then she found herself in the awkward position of having to backtrack. (btw, that the fiance may not have wanted OP and her husband on the vacation does not mean he's a child molesting abuser) So the daughter is at fault too. But the daughter isn't the one writing here, she's not the one deprived of the relationship with these children. Children who won't be children for long. OP however is the one looking for answers, and the only responsible answer is for HER to change some of the things about her that contributes to the problem. Doing the same thing she's done for the last 5+ years is not going to suddenly work. She needs to do something else, and blaming the fiance is not that something else. Looking honestly are her part in the estrangement is. A therapist would be a worthwhile investment.

I agree, it's none of his/our business about her getting married... however, she is the one that has pulled us aside and told us that she was marrying him last August and she is the one that called DH in November. She has discussed her plans, including the wedding theme (butterflies) with SD so that every time SD sees butterfly things, she starts talking about her mom's wedding. The more I think about it, maybe she is hoping we react to it but we haven't. DH could care less and yes, that is great for me. I've never had a doubt that he could care less what she does or that anything she does could make him remotely jealous. My concern has more to do with SD's other problems (everything she's gone through adjusting to her mom leaving) and her counselor is now leaving the state so she is losing her counselor too. I have some worry that SD will act out again when she realizes mom is lying about getting married. I agree that he probably hasn't asked her but then he also told his ex that they were getting married in Spring. I guess the biggest issue is how it affects the kids (on both sides) for them to be telling them and then it doesn't happen. I know that it is ultimately going to be on them to explain to the kids but usually, it comes back to BM blaming everyone else. SD was told it's DH's fault that her mom lost her job. BM finds a way to make it someone else's fault and we end up having to deal with the fallout or feel like we have to defend her accusations. Since SD's counselor is leaving, I was hoping she won't have to find a new one. She's with BM for summer anyway so she won't be here to see a counselor until school starts. If she doesn't have any meltdowns or acting out, we are probably not going to take her back to counseling. The weight thing, for her height, SD should weigh 85-90 lbs. She weighed 85 lbs when she was 5 and I considered her obese or very overweight. She's gotten taller and thinned out so she has been about average for her height.. she looks very healthy. But, with the added weight, it is all in her belly and her pants button pops off. She has broken two new pants (one zipper, one button) in the last few months. I think it's the amount of food she eats (we were having burritos and we give her one, she says she can eat three at her moms) and the type of foods (she says she eats donuts with Mountain Dew for breakfast and usually just fast food. Her mom doesn't cook) She eats a lot there and when she is here, she acts like she's always starving, even if we feed her more than a normal portion size. We'll give her more good snacks like fruit but she wants junk and sweets. I've given up with worrying about what her mom is doing. I told SD that if she overeats and gains a lot of weight, SHE is the one that has to deal with being teased at school (something she cries to us about) and that we have no control over what she eats at her moms so she has to take responsibility, even if her mom lets her eat anything. DH has mentioned it to BM a few times in the past, he always gets denials. SD is getting old enough to make choices about what and how much to eat and I told her that if she is going to eat everything she wants (because she brags to me that her mom lets her have this or have that and I don't) then I don't want to hear her crying later about kids teasing her.

Oh Kay, I'm so sorry. It's just never easy. I nearly fell over a lose board in our subfloor this weekend and my DH was making all kinds of racket with the power tools in our torn up kitchen late Sunday evening. Sigh. I "get" it. I know it would have been ever so nice to have a lovely new kitchen that FUNCTIONS for your aunt when she comes to visit. But what matters most is her time with your family and getting a good visit in with your Mom, huh? I agree with Dianalo; might be a welcome distraction to see what's going on with the construction. When you step back and think about this, family (yours for you, and your carpenter's for him) matters more than a construction schedule. Especially during the coming together and support around death and dying. I hope you're doing things to take care of yourself these days, while your Mom is on her final journey. While your Aunt is here, you can nuture each other in other ways even if you can't cook for her: pot of tea, looking over old photos, and just sitting together. Take care.

Here is what I use to raise Monarchs and Swallowtails: I remove the tops from the large, round containers, and use a rubber band to secure a small piece of the green tulle fabric over the opening. For the Twizzler containers, I cut out all but the edge of the top, and use the edge to secure a piece of fabric. I find sticks or twigs that fit inside each container in such a way that there are convenient places to pupate. I change the leaves/food daily and clean out the fras. Usually, I just have clean containers that I add fresh food to and transfer the cats into. Then I can just dump the old container and clean it thoroughly. The cookie tin is a container I haven't used yet, but I'm told you can use a loose piece of screen rolled into a tube whose diameter is exactly the same as the cookie tin. Place the tube upright in the tin and place the top of the tin on top of the tube. You could secure the screen to itself with safety pins or wire or even thread. Hope that gives you some ideas. Martha