Advocacy... Mum's health "crashed" about 3years ago and she has been with me about that long. I have been to every appointment, every test, every surgery/recovery/rehabilitation. She didn't very much like my "intrusion" but it was clear to my brother and me that she was not capable of adequately relaying information to us. So... Fairegold, I had not realized your mother died. I'm so sorry. I know that every one has their time, but it is always a shock, and a relief, and a sadness when it happens. You were good to her; being good and kind to people carries a reward we often don't fully appreciate until they're gone. :) I have two things to offer: the actual medical services available to us are simply amazing. The "before" and "after" care, however STINKS. I have dealt with more nurses and doctors than I can count. Sadly, I have to say the quality of nursing is abyssmal; I made it a point to be polite and pleasant. But when they were unwilling to make time to discuss Mum's condition with me I lost whatever faith I had in the profession. When I watched a nurse drop an exam glove on the floor and then pick it up to PUT IT ON before changing Mum's urostomy I was horrified. "Were you planning on using that one?", I asked as she was preparing to do just that. She looked nervous and was even more nervous as I supervised the urostomy change... noting that is was done improperly. (I do it on average every 5 days, and have for 2 years now; I now realize I've FORGOTTEN more about the process than most RNs ever knew). The same nurse failed to raise the rails on Mum's bed and she got out of bed, confused. She fell hard, cracking her kneecap and badly spraining her wrist... all this followed a stroke. Why didn't the nurse have the presence of mind to realize a stroke patient doens't make good decisions and is a likely candidate for injury resulting from compromised decision making? HELLO? whatever happened to "common sense"? that's how "medical professionals" operate? Doctors. They're busy. They have a lot to juggle. Most have pathetic interpersonal skills. It's the rare jewel who has warmth, a sense of humor, and willingness to be direct and honest. Here's what we did: every day either my brother or I would visit Mum. We arrived at varying times of the day, That way, we knew all the staffers and had a chance to find a sympathetic one. We brought notebooks with us, and we took notes, jotting down the nurses' names, the doctor's name, the time of the visit, etc.. We noted whether or not the urostomy pouch was full, half full, empty... whenther or not she was simply left the sit, hooked to a Foley bag. We noted her cleanliness, if her hearing aids were in, and if the batteries were dead. We brought our digital cameras and took pictures. (Those pictures were a real "hit" when the social worker at the last "rehab." place proved difficult about discharging Mum after 5 weeks... she was "approved" for 8! nothing like a creeping skin condition all over her back to give 'em a case of "the worries", lol). Each of us called the doctors and requested information. We set up times to meet with them to discuss Mum and her condition/progress. Sometimes I did it, sometimes my brother did. Other times we did it together. We were polite, direct, and ON TIME. Being an advocate requires that you be PREPARED, informed, and as polite as you can be; have your questions prepared in advance if you're able. You have to be patient with staff and understand that they DO have a lot to manage on a daily basis, but when you're faced with something unacceptable you have to be willing to be steely-eyed, icy toned, and simply refuse to accept the usual litany of excuses. Believe me, nothing gets the attention of staff faster. And when staff has really gone above and beyond, you must say thank-you and do something kind. I can still the urologist's face when he saw Mum the first time. She weighed 84 lbs., was grey, slow, and sullen. He minced around the obvious reality, using "polite" phrases to avoid saying the obvious. I finally got out the chair, put my hands on his desk and looked him in the eye, "Look, doc., I am a busy woman. I have neither time nor patience for bulls!!t, get to the point.". He met my gaze and began the medical dictation of Mum's case... it wasn't good. He scheduled the next cystoscopy... when he saw her 6 weeks later, she had put on 12 lbs., had rosey cheeks, and he didn't recognize her. After the test, he spoke with me... told me I had done an amazing job with her, that he respected and appreciated my direct manner and willingness to pay attention to small details... as those are the things that make a difference when an elderly person faces a health crisis. He told me then that he had expected to learn of her death before that appointment.

I posted a couple of times about the scam a large hospital here tried on first DH when he went in for a femoral bypass. When he was admitted, we specifically asked if the hospital accepted our insurance. The response was "yes". Shortly after his surgery and discharge, he got a bill for several thousand dollars for services during surgery. I called the hospital, and they told me that the hospital and surgical bills were paid by our insurance, but anesthesia services was a separate company that did not accept that insurance (Aetna). We refused to pay the bill, saying that we were told that insurance covered it. Well, he was scheduled for a second surgery on the other leg, and when we went in, I asked the anesthesiologist if he was in private practice or worked for the hospital - his answer was that he worked for the hospital. I just happened to meet a person who worked on Medicare Fraud. He mentioned a scam that many hospitals work, by creating a holding company that separated many services into separate corporations - the hospital in general, anesthesiology, radiology, etc. That way, they would have the hospital corp. sign on to accept Medicare and other large insurance companies, but the other corporations would not sign on to insurance companies - thus allowing them to bill patients for services they assumed were covered by the hospital. I called the hospital Administrator's office, and left a message spelling out this information to his secretary. Also said we were not paying fraudulent bills, and I would call Aetna, and the local TV stations if they sent another bill. I then called Aetna and reported them. My husband was at work.....a couple of hours, he received a call from the hospital, saying that they were "forgiving" the bills.

As you say, the guests are rather financially disadvantaged. I wonder about one person's suggestion ... how about discussing the issue, some day? Are they sensitive about it? As for a teen ... I remember my Dad saying, when I was a teen, that he thought that his son had a hollow leg! I find that many feel that they must feed guests (whether food, or drink, or both, and whether the drink be alcoholic or not). Or they must schedule games, etc. I feel empathy (I first said, "sympathy" ... but nobody died) with the Minnesota concept of "visiting". As for me ... I find an evening satisfying ... just talking. Also, some of my friends offer coffee, or tea, or pop/soda or something alcoholic. When I say that I'd like just a glass of water, some are almost distressed. And, as far as I am concerned, when they give me a bottle ... I'd just as soon have a simple glass, filled with tap water. Maybe I'm putting down a repressed childhood, trying to distance myself from the bottle with the nipple on top! I guess, as we become adult, sometimes we become fixated on a different kind of nipple ... but that's another story! Also ... ... no one has mentioned one of the great problems that many western people face these days, the issue of obesity. To a certain extent, it's killing us. If we encourage our frieends to overeat, we are doing them no favour. Various facets to this issue, aren't there? I hope that you feel comfortable with the decision that you make. ole joyful

Is there a local zoo around? Our zoo goes to the SA for stuffies for their animals, maybe they would take yours. You said they belonged to you as a child, do any of them have value so you could sell them. Hope they find a new home.