You could hear my husband's snoring down the street. He had terrible sleep apnea and he would not treat it. He died in his sleep 8 years ago.

I'm so sorry, Kitchenwitch. That must've been awful for you.

3katz, we are also split on the pet co-sleep toleration scale LOL. The cat sleeps in his room, mine is off limits!

Actually the more I think about it the more I realize we are totally incompatible sleep buddies--in addition to my original post, there is the pet thing. Also my husband is very tall and very thin and he is always cold. So he sleeps with piles and piles of blankets no matter how warm the room is. I can't sleep warm, it gives me monster headaches so again we will never be happy in the same bed because there's just no way to modify for one person to be sleeping as if he is in the Arctic Circle with the other in the Sahara ;).

Oh and he also gets up many times in the night for potty breaks, which of course wakes me up too.

Nope, separate is the way to go as far as better sleep for better living in our household.

DH is a casual snorer. It is not a steady occupation for him. He would be crushed if we slept in separate rooms; he prefers our Q bed in Maine to our K bed at home because he likes to be closer, and if it were up to him I would fall asleep in his arms. Aww.

That's all lovely, but sleep is lovelier! We do sleep apart one night a week, when I have to get up very early the next morning and he is coming home quite late from his ice hockey games. I love that night!

There has been a lot of press about "sleep hygiene" in recent years. Sleeping (literally) together is indeed sweet (remember when you first did?) but adequate sleep is verily a requirement for good health. Sleep for both must take priority. The snorer must be treated for apnea if applicable, and the snoree should feel free to drift away from the marital bed.

Sleeping (literally) together is indeed sweet (remember when you first did?)

As I recall, when we were first married, it was 6 months before I was able to sleep through the night with his snoring and getting used to having someone in my bed....not so sweet.

When I started grad school evenings while still working full time, I wasn't getting home until after 11pm and he was getting up at 4:30 for his work. It was then we got separate rooms. He was sad at first and it was an adjustment, but then he realized how valuable not having a cranky wife and not having to worry about disturbing me all night was. He also didn't have to put up with the TV on at all hours when I was hit with insomnia.

One thing that was always annoying is he would grab the blanket up around his neck and roll away from me...which would pop the blanket up between us and let a rush of cold air in. I swore I was going to invent the wrap around blanket that was like a cylinder that slid all around the bed, so that as he pulled blankets his way, more would keep coming up on my side...

Then there was this other thing he did...not really sure what it was as I never saw it...only felt it. It was like he would levitate in bed, do a 180 in midair and then plop down with a whump on the mattress. Yikes!

Kitchenwitch - very sorry for your loss. I considered your post a public service announcement and sent it to my DH with another suggestion that he talk to his doctor about this. Thank you for sharing.

Kitchenwitch, I am so sorry!

Between my husbands sleep apnea and his Type I diabetes, this is my biggest fear. We probably won't have separate rooms, (due to the diabetes) but I am inclined to move out occasionally.

Annie-- my husband cannot get in or out of the bed without making the entire room shake.

Lars, my husband's experience with his BiPAP has been life changing. As a matter of fact, on the night of his overnight sleep study when a CPAP was used, he said it was the best night's sleep of his life, lol!

He came home that morning a changed man. His apnea was also severe, life threateningly so. He was equipped with a BiPAP within two days and has been 100% compliant ever since. He has had to experiment with different masks, etc., but has one that is comfortable and easy to use.

His ferocious snoring stopped forever once he had his machine.

kitchenwitch, I'm so very sorry! My grandfather's sleep apnea, while not the cause, was a factor in his death. I think if my partner had sleep apnea, I'd probably be afraid to leave him alone in the room.

I'm surprised so many here sleep in separate rooms and some of you at a younger age! My husband snores from time to time (maybe I do too?) but I can ask him to turn over and he will. He's a very sound sleeper and while I'm not a light sleeper, I'm not as sound of one as he is. Neither of us have issues sleeping, or staying asleep, thankfully. I hope if there is ever an issue we will work towards fixing the issue rather than separate rooms because at this point, neither of us want that. Like someone said, it's comforting having the other there beside you. The middle of night cuddles (or whatever!) are nice. The other body when you are cold, etc. Before my husband had his own business, he would travel occasionally and I hated sleeping alone. Nor do I need a whole big bed to myself. This has almost been a husband bashing thread LOL (I'm pretty sure many of us have been a blanket thief!). Too bad we don't have enough men here to do a snoring wives thread. LOL!! No, we would need to do a sleeping with a wife with hot flashes thread heehee! My brother wears a c-pap, but funny thing is, so does his wife!

I don't want to come across as saying anyone is wrong because of course it is whatever works for you and your spouse. I'm just surprised so many have separate rooms. This topic has never come up with our close friends, perhaps I need to take a poll?!

Nothing at all wrong with separate beds or even separate rooms. Besides, whose business is it anyway?

In our new home we have a very large master bedroom. His queen bed is on the north side and mine is on the south. But not so far away as to prevent conjugal visits. ;)

My husband was only 53 when he died. That night he fell asleep on the couch watching a ball game and like many of you I was very happy to leave him there and not have his snoring keep me up. I also used to nudge him during the night when I’d hear him not breathe, and I often wonder if he had been in the same bed with me that night maybe things would be different. He was a stubborn man and thought he did not ever have to go to a doctor.

Please make your husbands wear those Cpaps!

Kitchenwitch...DH's apnea was so severe that he'd stop breathing many times an hour...no way could anyone stay awake all night long every night to jostle him into breathing again.

tinam, you may feel as you do now and you may feel differently in the future. I know of other couples for whom illness, including night time incontinence, was the deal breaker. It's whatever keeps a couple happiest...their personal preference. And it is *their* *personal* business.

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/dual-master-suites-in-luxury-homes

Annie, I believe that is what I said, it's whatever works for each couple. I hope they we are able to continue in one bed/bedroom. My grandparents were that way for over 60 years, right up until my pappaw died. Illness, of course could be a consideration; incontinence could be worked around. A dual master sounds like an ideal solution for some couples. Not sure why you bring up the "personal business" when everyone is being so open here??

I’ve seen no husband bashing on this thread. People sharing their experiences.

kitchenwitch, I am sorry that you are having to live on without your husband. I hope you aren't feeling guilty that you may have been able to do something to prevent his death. If he made the choice to avoid doctors...well, many actions/inactions have consequences and unfortunately you are suffering those consequences, too.

"Please make your husbands wear those Cpaps." I really object to women being told they are responsible to make their husbands do anything (as if we could anyway). I'd say, "Husbands, if you love your family, keep yourself healthy and follow your doctor's recommendations."

Olychick, actually in my home, I am the "doctor" and DH will listen and do what I tell him as he recognizes that I know a lot more about this stuff than he cares to learn. So I do have influence over him. In fact, it was at my insistence that he first went for the sleep study...esp since he had no awareness of what his sleep patterns were like as he slept through them.

I have to admit, I was kind of surprised to see how many couples have chosen to sleep in separate rooms. It’s not for my DH and I, but after reading about the severity of the problem for some, I can understand why they would. IMO, if it solves a problem and both are good with it, then that’s all that matters.

I also don’t think this is a husband bashing thread, Pudgered asked a question looking for help and the thread sort of morphed like they tend to do. Of course women snore too but that’s a topic for the men to discuss over their beers. LOL

Kitchenwitch, I'm so sorry.

Annie, if someone wants to take on the responsibility of another adult's health care that's up to them. I'm just saying the common view is that somehow women are responsible for "making" their men pay attention to their health and if we fail, well, it's on us somehow. I say men have an equal stake in their health and if they choose to ignore symptoms or advice, it should be on them to shoulder the consequences, not their women.

Your system works for now; if you die first or become disabled - he's going to have to figure it out (or not).

My husband snored horribly, and wouldn’t do anything about it for twenty years. I wore earplugs in an attempt to get some sleep, and wish now that I had just slept in another room. He finally talked to his doctor and now uses a cpap, and loves it. He won’t sleep without it, and I’m finally getting some sleep. I told him years ago that he owed it to me to take care of his health, and that I might not be so keen to be his nurse if he caused his own health problems through poor lifestyle choices.

DH places a king size pillow at his side lengthwise and leans against it which pretty much solves his sleep apnea problem. I sleep with a pillow over my head anyway so that also helps drown out/muffle his occasionally snoring.

I just saw a commercial about an adjustable bed by sleep country I think where the female partner adjusted the male partner's bed in some way when he snored. Maybe a new bed that's adjustable on both sides is in order. Plus some extra pillows. Good luck!

Kitchenwitch, I am sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up over it. The machines are an aid, but not a cure all. So many things can happen and contribute to a problem -- you can do everything right but the power goes out one night or he has a cold and can't sleep with the mask on.

Your situation is part of the reason I told DH he was not only snoring but stopping his breathing and it was keeping me up all night. I'm not sure separate bedrooms would have worked for us -- I would not want to have to go upstairs every morning to make sure the boys were up and getting ready for school and that DH was either up or still breathing. He's been using a CPAP for nearly 20 years now and it came up when he was being checked for a possible stroke or TIA (both were ruled out). It's one of those risk factors they definitely ask about. Apnea greatly increases the risk of heart attack, stroke and even dementia. His mother had Alzheimer's so I didn't really need to force the issue. I'm grateful for that -- and the many nights of sleep.

Kitchenwitch, I’m so sorry for your loss.

my husband also has extremely severe apnea (stopped breathing over 100 times an hour according to the study). I would easily go back to a second bedroom if my husband stopped treating his apnea.

His snoring was out of this world and he woke up to pee many times a night (apparently his body trying to get him not to suffocate).

I ended up in a separate bedroom because it was so disturbing. Neither of us knew or considered apnea for months! Dummies.

In those months he had so little energy he had to stop driving, our conversation at home ground to a complete halt, and he started sleeping whenever he sat down. I urged him to see his doctor but he was avoidant. He is overweight and I think he avoids anything to do with that topic. But his dad is a skinny jogger and also has sleep apnea.

Finally I recorded the scary pauses while sleeping and played him the recording. It finally convinced him to see his doctor and then a sleep specialist.

the first night of sleep with his machine was a revelation and he’s been sleeping with it since, very faithfully. He forgot to bring his machine to the hospital when Emmett was born and as a consequence I couldn’t sleep the first night! I made him go home and get it.

In no way do I feel responsible for my husband's death -- he didn't take care of himself no matter what I did. My point is don't just go sleep in another room -- have a conversation about the snoring and ask him to do something about it. It can be a serious condition.

Thank you for all your condolences -- of course I miss him but I'm doing OK -- since then I have downsized to a great place and started my own business. I have wonderful friends and a hip Brooklyn boyfriend who is 8 years younger than me. It's really been a journey!

I totally agree with having the conversation. It can be serious and is generally something the snoring person is not aware of and they probably don't know they are at risk. You cannot force someone to treat a condition the way you would, but you can at least make them aware of it.

Pudgeder you said he got his machine years ago. Just to note the machines have improved a LOT, much more comfortable, and if he suffered from mask anxiety, there are new partial masks that might work very well for him.

I have mild sleep apnea. I had the UPPP operation, which didn't help. I tried CPAP devices, but because I'm a restless sleeper, I'd move, dislodge the mask, and get a blast of air on my face which would wake me up. I'd be tired from lack of sleep. Sleeping in the guest room when needed works for me and my spouse.

Suero, you might look into a different type of mask, especially if you notice you are not feeling rested. If you were trying a nasal pillow, they are the least obtrusive but would also be the easiest to have a problem with dislodging. There are nasal and full face masks and it seems like there is always something new.

"This has almost been a husband bashing thread LOL "

GMAB. Complaining about husbands snoring is bashing? For one thing, you haven't experienced what we have...the snoring...all night long. Every night. Being a zombie in the daytime. Sure, DH would roll onto his side but two minutes later the snoring would begin.

It wasn't until we were much older, after kids had flown the coop that we got our separate bedrooms. At that point I was an incredibly light sleeper. You make it sound like we're divorced but still living in the same house.

Tina, Annie saying it was our personal business had to do with you being a tad bit judgmental in your first reply. You implied something was wrong with our marriage if we dared to sleep in separate rooms.

I should not have even checked this thread, nor should I reply to Oakley, but I'm going to and then that's all I have to say on this thread. Oakley, don't put words in my mouth. What works for some doesn't work for others. I'm all for every couple doing what they need to. The point about bashing, and I believe I said "almost" bashing was mostly in jest and I even said something about a topic about wives. A thread on a public board on the WWW can't really be personal.

I made no implications and I apologize to the other posters/readers on this thread if that is how it sounded. I will say there is a poster who has several times made negative comments re her spouse and that does bother me.

I made a comment in response to yours, Tina, but after considering it some more I went back and deleted what I'd written. I wanted to say this publicly, in case anyone saw my post while it was still up. I initially got my back up a bit, launching into defensive mode when I read what I thought was something of an indictment against those of us with separate bedrooms. Once I went back and re-read what you'd written and gave it some more, thought, however, it dawned on me that you were merely sharing YOUR experience and expressing what you hoped would happen should you ever find yourself in a similar situation. The defensive reaction was entirely my own, and it placed more emphasis on certain of your comments than others, instead of reading everything as a whole, in context.

It's not always easy to discern what someone else is expressing, given the lack of inflection, facial expression, etc. We all know that. And I also know, Tina, that you are thoughtful and considerate, and you aren't one to judge others for choices that may be different than yours. You were merely expressing your own thoughts, along with everyone else in this thread.

(But c'mon, tigereye ... "little girl panties in a wad?" That's gross.)

Peace, y'all!

Well back to the original topic.

Last week I slept in the guest room. Not because my DH snores, he does a little, but because I snore, talk in my sleep, sometimes I yell, I have vivid dreams, move restlessly, wake up at least 4 or 5 times a night to get a sip of water and manage to wake him up too.

My sleep study showed 49 episodes an hour. The technician comes next week to fit me for my mask. But in the meantime I'm sleeping in the guest room even though DH has insisted that I stay in the master bedroom. It's possible that I have Complex Sleep Apnea - a combination of Obstructive and Central Sleep Apnea - but we're starting with the CPAP as the first step.

Skipped down to say separate bed and earplugs for me. I'm a terribly light sleeper and every little movement or sound wakes me, while hubby can sleep through anything. Even the mildest snoring disturbs my sleep. I have to have a very dark room too.

It is interesting to see how many others have opted out of co-sleeping as well. It wasn't an issue when we were younger, but time & age sure can change things.

I really considered getting separate beds until I got this bed plus an extra cushion pad on my side of the bed. I now don't feel him moving in the night. He snores but I sleep right through it. Luckily his snoring is not due to apnea.

Maire, I don't snore but I "do" talk in my sleep and wake up hubby to tell him things. Luckily DH laughs it off.

I have sleepwalked as well, once right along (not in!) the pool (it essentially adjoins our MBR).

Last week, inexplicably, I woke DH up to tell him "I am sorry I am diagonal."

Divorce? Worked for me. Also immediately cut down the number of complaints about my own snoring and bed-real-estate usage. Win-win!

Hahahaha: "I am sorry I am diagonal."

I never knew you were so biased!

ETA: That puts a whole new slant on things...

^^^ Ooooooh ......

Mtn - that's hysterical - in slang terminology it means to be high on marijuana!

According to DH my latest outburst was "Watch out for the creature people, one, two, three, four, watch out for the creature people."

He was seriously concerned that there was something going on in my brain. I had my study done in the sleep center at the hospital and they monitored my heart, lung and brain
activity, breathing patterns, arm and leg movements, and blood oxygen
levels. At least the EEG didn't reveal anything.

My spouse talks in his sleep. (He also snores like a drunken moose...)

Anyway, he often wakes me up with the craziest statements.

One of my favorites is he shook me awake (while he was sleeping) to yell at me, "I NEED NEW SWIM TRUNKS!"

He doesn't even use the word "swim trunks" and it was pretty darn funny. It's become a running joke between us. If something doesn't make sense or comes out of the blue, we yell, "I need new swim trunks!"

I wear ear plugs for the snoring. They usually work. On nights where I can't get to sleep and/or his drunken moose snoring is too much I decamp to a guest bedroom.

*Disclosure: I intend no husband bashing with my drunken moose comment. It is a factual statement rather than an oblique slur. ;) *

Also, I despise the phrase "getting panties in a wad" - but adding "little girl" on to that really elevated it into offensive territory for me. Thank you Ida! What I LOVE about our tiny little corner of the internet is that this subforum has almost none of the meanness and deliberately provocative pokes at people which are taking over this entire platform. To the extent that anyone cares, I am begging that we try hard not to let the trolls wreck this place too. Thankyouverymuch.

Gee, Patrice...way to malign moose. :)

just how much alcohol does it take to inebriate a moose? lol

LOL jojoco. :)

And sistersunnie - not sure how much alcohol would be involved to get a moose to be drunk.....my expertise only extends to knowing what they would sound like once they got to that state. Ha! FYI - it's LOUD!

Thanks for the laughs folks.

These moose seem to be happy to take a drink...

omg, are they ever cute!!

Thinking about this discussion, couples sleeping in the same bed is a very strong cultural/societal norm and has been for many centuries. It's shorthand for being sexually intimate for sure and as a few have pointed out for many people it is a source of great intimacy in terms of emotional support and comfort. And it is also one of those kinda sorta taken for granted standards that many people keep as part of their world view without much thought.

I know for me even though separate bedrooms is absolutely the best option *for us* I still find I feel a tiny twinge when we are giving guests a house tour and I show them the master bedroom....and my husband's bedroom. There is within me that small voice that says people must be mentally making a judgment on our marriage or relationship.

That said, especially in my age cohort I know there are lots of people who aren't bedding down together on the same mattress every night, including many very happily married couples. And I know there are plenty of folks who slept together until one got his/her own bed during the divorce.

So I'm writing this to say that I get why it can be a sensitive subject. Actually this conversation has been quite reaffirming. In the end, all the gauzy romance of spooning with my true love doesn't outweigh getting a decent's night's sleep in my own bed so I can appreciate my true love every day without being a grouch to him and the world due to lack of sleep :).

That made me think about how for so many years, it was taboo to show married couples sharing a bed. Remember all those twin beds on TV and in movies?

https://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/us/11separate.html