I personally have no tolerance for that kind of "resolution" But then I am a person who can get raging mad yell and scream about everything that I am angry about and an hour later be totally okay because I got it out... things were resolved and I am over it. My DH on the other hand can't do that ... which has caused more problems in our relationship than need be. As of late I find myself not bringing up things that bother me because I know he will stew on it for days... he takes it too much to heart.

But anyways, I personally think the only reason why people do the leaving thing or sleep on the couch thing is to hurt the other person. To make an unnecessary point. I am so mad I dont want to be around you... Really? Is that what you want to do to a person you love... hurt them because you are mad. My DH left once when we were in an argument (a long time ago early in our relationship) and didnt come back until the wee hours of the morning. I, by that time had calmed down and so had he ... so we talked and worked out the actual argument... But, I told him leaving is unacceptable. If he ever felt the need to leave like that again he better consider it carefully because it would be forever. That has never happened since.

I'm not proud, but I'll 'fess up and admit that I do it.

There have been a few instances when the conflict was not going to be resolved before going to sleep and I was physically unable to lie next to my husband in bed like nothing was wrong. It sounds childish but I need "time-out" time which helps me to calm down and rationally put the respective situation into perspective. It is for my peace of mind (whether taking a walk during the day or sleeping on the couch at night) and is not intended to injure my spouse but to give me the time I need to process the issue and reflect upon how I should respond as opposed to my natural instinct of wounding him with words. I know my faults and I know my weaknesses so if walking away or sleeping on the couch helps prevent me from wounding my husband with words that so naturally flow from within myself, then sleep on the couch I will. I'm both hot and quick tempered and despite my attempts to dispose of these personality flaws I can't seem to shake them altogether so I do what I must in order to "temper" my temperment.

Leave the tantrums in pre-school please!

Neither my husband or I ever do anything deliberately with the intent of hurting the other person.
Which means that anything one of us does that does hurt the other was unintentional.
Which means the hurt or offended person should state their position with some degree of rational composure, and the other spouse should apologize immediately.
Which then means the offended person should forgive, and the offender should make a sincere effort to do better in the future.

Works for us about 90% of the time.
The other 10%, we just grumble that we're irritated and need a few hours to calm down, and the other spouse gives him/her some space.

DH and I were friends long before we ever dated, and now that we're married it's still a struggle to keep things going well. Especially with SD being the way she is and he and I being polar oposites in our parenting/daily life. Oposites do attract!

We get mad at each other as is normal, and we bicker, grouse, and yell at each other too, but before we get to the point that we want to sleep in the guest room or on the sofa, we'll take a break. I'll tell him that I need me time and to back off. He does the same. It works for us. We'll slam the door on our way out, or drive out of the driveway, but it works for us. It enables us to think about things and about how we want to word things so they don't come out wrong.

On a side note...My mother told me years ago that if your husband isn't sleeping with you, you don't know who he's sleeping with. Probably not true in all instances, but I don't think I'll take the chance. I value my relationship with DH too much. He is, as he should be, my best friend and my rock in the storm.

I slept on the couch one time. I don't even remember what we had argued about. I thought for sure, DH would come get me and "make up" but he left me there. In the morning, I was a little upset that he had left me there, but I didn't tell him anything. He got ready for work, kissed me goodbye and left.

When he got home, we talked about the problem and resolved it. He showed me that he wasn't going to play that game with me and I've never even thought about doing that again. If you make a habit of leaving instead of working on the problem, eventually there may be no coming back.

Ouch Sweeby, I wouldn't necessarily call them tantrums, I'd personally term it as withdrawing from a potentially damaging situation until my faculties return to normal. I guess I "cool my jets" so to speak until I'm level minded again.

Ceph,I totally agree with you on this one.

My mom and sister are both the types that whenever they have a fight with their husbands or significant others,they want to broadcast it to the whole world.Then they show up and want to stay at my place.
I have to hear crying and how they will never go back again for days while my own family life is disrupted by their problems.
Once or twice is one thing,but this was like once a month or so.
DH and I are very private people.We dont tell every one we know when we have fought.And we dont leave either.One of us may sleep on the couch or be alone in the other room until calming down,but we always work it out just him and I.

I just think that if a relationship is that bad that you HAVE to be going to someone else's place all the time,then maybe it's a relationship they shouldnt be in.

Well I guess I misinterpreted the post wrong.I commented on the staying at someone else's house thing,but kinda missed the sleeping on the couch part.

I dont see anything wrong with sleeping on the couch every now and then if it's a bad arguement.As long as it's not an all the time thing.
I only think this because some distance can help give clarity to the issues.As long as it doesnt hurt the other person (or anyone else) it is a good thing.

In seven years, I havent ever had a fight with my husband,so its not an issue. however, at times when I am upset by other things, I will sometimes wake in the night and go sleep in the spare room, so that my tossing and turning doesnt disturb my husband ( although he says it doesnt) This bothers him at times, but I just cant lie still when my mind is racing.

I think if you are doing it to try to get some sleep, when you are all stirred up, its fine. If you are doing it to try to piss the other person off, its probably not a good idea. Then again, no one can get pissed off unless they allow themselves to be.

My SO snores so bad, he wakes himself up every ten minutes. At least every other night I have to sleep separatelly because it is just a torture. lol

My parents both snore and toss and turn all the time so as soon as they got a spare bedroom they have been sleeping separatelly which is at least 20-25 years now. My parents travel together a lot and every time they go, they suffer having to sleep together. haha My SO and me travel every few months and it always a struggle sleeping because i cannot go to the other room in the middle of the night. It is the only downside of travelling. :)

But that's different than sleeping separatelly due to a fight.

Me too FINEDREAMS! My husband sounds like he's giving birth to an alien creature because his snoring is so bad!
When we go on vacation with family,no one wants to be anywhere near DH,LOL.
DH used to take it personally when I went to the couch to try to get some sleep until I recorded his snoring one night with the video camera.He really needs to get some help for it,we've tried all the OTC remedies,and none work.

Haha! Oh wow and I thought my DH's was bad! He just sounds like an old foreign model diesel car trying to go up a hill. You know, the PUT-PUT-PUT-PUT-PUT GRIND! I think his might be sinuses or tonsils or something. He wakes himself up in the middle of the night and bolts straight up on the bed. I've learned to sleep through it. Anymore the Marine Corps Marching Band couldn't wake me up if it were marching through my bedroom. HA!

Fine dreams, Plastic garden & hecallsmemom,

The kind of loud snoring you describe could very well be symptomatic of severe sleep apnea which has been associated with serious health issues, including cardiovascular problems.

If your husbands have not discussed this with their primary care physicians, I hope you will encourage them to do so. A sleep study should be able to determine if they have sleep apnea and a remedy can be prescribed.

Good luck!

Thanks wrychoice for the info.

I already knew about sleep apnea though,I think my Dh's problem is more of a sinus thing.He says he always has a stuffy nose so he breathes through his mouth.
His whole family is notorious with sinus problems.His dad had two operations on his and he snores and has allergies.

DD also snores too,although not nearly as loud,LOL.

It's all related ...sleep apnea & sinuses tonsils allergies running stuffy noses.

Do they toss and turn or lie completely still??

If they stop snoring .... they are not breathing... do they wake up just as tired or wake up refreshed?

Wake up with headaches? face flushed? in a fog??? numbness in arms &/or legs??? Toes fingers cold?

Being overweight is also a cause for snoring.

Good questions cawfecup.Here are some answers:

Mostly Dh lays completely still.
He doesnt really stop snoring,it is pretty consistant all night.But he does "snort" every now and then.

He never feels tired or unrefreshed.He is a morning person and always in a good mood when he gets up.
Some times has headaches when waking up...slight numbness in one arm,but he thinks it's because he lays on it for too long.
He isnt overweight.He has a slight belly,but that is from Dr. Pepper.The rest of him is very muscular and fit.(he lifts heavy things all day so he burns alot of calories)

With apnea ...

they tend to move alot ... trying to get better airflow. Mind telling body to move to improve airway.

They tend to be tired/or cranky during the day, from the tossing and turning lack of restful sleep.

Headaches and numbess because of lack of blood flow ... brain trying too hard to keep lungs working neglects the extremities.

The snoring is interuppted by a pause then gasp... brain kicking in "breathe fool".

My 15 yr old son had sleep apnea and hubby has sleep apnea.

My sons went away basically when he had his tonsils and adenoids out. When he would sleep it sounded like hiccoughs. Gasping constantly for air.

My hubby is on a cpap (breathing) machine.

Sounds more like I have it,LOL.I'm constantly moving around...sometimes I wake up and gasp for air.I'am often tired and feel unrested.
But I dont snore at all...(although I have been known to talk in my sleep)

Thanks for sharing...I DO want DH to be tested anyways,just to be safe.

If hubby falls asleep with out his mask on he tosses turns rotates. Snores loudly.. gasps all those lovely things. Wraps up in all the blankets he gets cold. Wakes up with headaches, face flushed.

Puts his mask on .... sleeps like a brick, no snoring, no movement. Doesn't use a blanket nice and warm. Calm rested in the morning.

Mask forces air into his body keeps his lungs working.