I feel your pain. DH's snoring is not as bad as it once was (since he stopped drinking beer and subsequently lost a considerable amount of weight - the excess weight most certainly DOES contribute to loud snoring!), but it still happens frequently enough that we DO have separate bedrooms. I'm with you - I'm just a mess the next day if I don't get adequate sleep the night before, and goodness knows I wake my OWN self up often enough with hot flashes (whole 'nother topic). Before we separated into our own spaces for sleeping, I tried so many things - ear plugs, white noise machine (which I still use because I'm very sensitive to ANY noise during the night), and DH had a number of tests done including the one for sleep apnea. For us, separate bedrooms just works best. When he and I travel, it's to go on vacation and we spend at least a week, usually two, in the same place. We always rent accommodations with two bedrooms. It may sound extreme to some people, but it works for us and for several other couples that we know which leads me to believe that it's not a terribly rare arrangement.

I might add that just because a couple doesn't sleep together doesn't mean they aren't SLEEPING together. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. ;-)

I'm cranky and out of sorts when awakened too, thank goodness very little wakes me up. DH snores if he has rolled onto his back, I can stop the noise by telling him to roll over. He doesn't quite wake up, just moves onto a shoulder and is quiet then until I've fallen asleep again.

If your DH has gained weight and started snoring and did not snore before - weight loss may help. No guarantee though, I'm thin, and I know will snore sometimes myself (or so I'm told ;))

Try using pillows to prop him up some...sometimes it helps.

DH and I went to separate bedrooms many years back when I wasn't getting home until 11pm or later and he was getting up at 4:30 am. Between my insomnia and his snoring, neither of us would get any sleep if we were in the same room.

Great topic for me right now.

We are getting to the point of separate bedrooms too. DH snored when we were younger too, every night we would start out in the same bed, but most nights by 2 am I would be wondering into the guest room. I put up with this for many years. About 5 years ago I decided I would try ear plugs to see if that helped in keeping me in bed. It took a while to get used to them, but it did help as long as I fell asleep before the snoring started. The problem with the ear plugs is that it caused the wax in my ear to block the ear drum, I must have a lot of wax, I had to continually have it flushed out at the doctors. I was willing to put up with that too to stay in one bedroom but lately though I have been having some sleep issues, having a hard time falling asleep first, and then being woken up by him when he cant sleep . It got to the point where I was having silent migraines, which the doctor said might be caused by lack of sleep So these last couple of weeks we have been sleeping apart. I do miss him initially when I get into bed, but I am getting the best sleep ever. Not sure if we will keep this arrangement, the longer we sleep apart probably the harder it is to get used to sleeping with someone again so I dont know. I feel bad about it, havent told any of my friends, I am sort of embarrassed.

RoseAbbey, don't be embarrassed. The oversized gorgeous master suite, soaking tub with view, really very special....is now my DB and SIL's guest accommodations - so lucky me. They are in adjoining bedrooms upstairs, where he has his Tempurpedic and she has her own favorite bed. Neither of them are good sleepers and both own businesses, have incredibly demanding lives. It's not they don't see each other or they lack intimacy, it's just that they both sleep better now ;).

RoseAbbey, please don't be embarrassed. I understand how you feel because you're doing something that's not the "marital norm", but honestly, everyone makes adjustments in one form or another, to find what works best for them. How does your DH feel about sleeping apart? If you're both comfortable with the arrangement, that's ALL that matters.

I thought it was cute to see my DH get excited about picking out his own furniture and bedding for "his" bedroom in the new house. He has "his" own bathroom upstairs too. I actually feel a bit privileged in that I don't have to share my bed and bath space with anyone. It's a luxury to sleep in the middle of the king bed, and to only have MY toiletries to contend with in the bathroom.

And like I said, just because you aren't sleeping together most certainly is not an indictment against other aspects of your relationship. DH and I enjoy "visiting" each others' rooms, cuddling right before we fall asleep and one of us then pads off to our own space. There's nothing wrong with having separate beds.

I would try to see if you can reach a solution. I know there is a trend to separate bedrooms, with new builds making two master suites, but that is still something that doesn't sit well with me, and so I would try all I could first.

My DH snores only when he is exhausted, so I put up with it since it is not that often. My SIL is able to tell my brother "turn" and he turns without waking and stops snoring. Did not work on my DH and he got very cranky!

Earplugs & separate beds works for me (& even then I can sometimes hear him through earplugs from another room). Also hubby periodically diets & slims down & that really seems to cut down on his snoring. So has the fact that he no longer (or very rarely) drinks & quit smoking as well. I'm an incredibly light sleeper, tho, so even if we start out in the same bed, 1 or the other of us winds up moving during the night - usually me, since he sleeps like the dead - except for the snoring, of course.

Has he been reevaluated for sleep apnea? It's a serious issue and it's not just about snoring.

DH admits he is sleeping much better too, it seems that I now snore sometimes too, he has become a lighter sleeper in his old age and tells me this. I try to sleep on my back more now than on my side, it is supposed better for your face so maybe that is where my new snoring habit has come from..lol

He too though is not comfortable with other people knowing about this arrangement as he has told me not to tell anyone.

I agree with Ellendi, I would try to find another solution. Separate bedrooms is something my husband and I are not willing to do, unless there is just no other option. Of course you can have a very healthy sex life without sharing a bedroom, but for me it's more than that. I love sleeping next to my hubby and find it very comforting to have him there. I like waking up with him there. But, I realize separate rooms works well for some, and both parties do need a good night's sleep. I agree that while weight can cause snoring it is not the only thing that does and may not be so in your husband's case. I have read of a very minor procedure an ENT doc can do that can help with somesnoring problems (can't remember exactly what it is). I would encourage a thorough full physical exam if he hasn't had one lately. My hubby will occasionally snore, but if he turns to his side he stops. Apparently I am the same way, and as someone else mentioned, it is usually if I am extremely tired.

Re ear plugs - they would bug the crap out of me! LOL a funny - we have young friends who have had 2 babies in the last few years. With each pregnancy the wife apparently has quite a problem with snoring. So, her hubby would use earplugs. But the earplugs bothered him and occasionally he would wake up and apparently toss the earplugs. Their jack russell terrier likes to eat the earplugs!!

Even if not used on a regular basis, having someplace else to go is really important, especially if one of you is sick. We've had issues of serious illness where sharing a bed would've been very hard on both of us.

It is nothing to be embarrassed about. Many couples sleep apart, especially as they age. DH is no young chicken and as a result, he is up every 90 min to 2 hrs to answer nature. His getting in and out of bed alone would shake me awake. My problem is, once I'm up, I'm up for typically 2 hrs before I can get back to sleep so by the time I fell asleep, he'd be waking me up again. Believe me, it's a lot easier to feel amorous toward your mate when you're not blaming them for keeping you up all night!

1. What I wouldn't give to have this problem again. My DH died 6 1/2 yrs ago from liver cancer. We were in separate rooms due mainly to me being a night owl. But it did my heart good to hear him snoring. I knew he was resting. Our dog slept in the hallway so she could keep an eye on both of us. :)

I'm so sorry charleemo! How sweet about your dog! I don't know what our little pup would do if we were in different rooms LOL!!

Yes, Annie, we have guest rooms if we need to sleep apart. I realize many couple sleep apart but not everyone makes that choice. My hubby doesn't get up often, but if he does, I usually sleep right through it. (Of course I can sleep through the alarm too!). You're poor hubby, you shouldn't blame him, he's not keeping you up intentionally. There is medication to help with that, has he tried it?

And Rose, I also meant to say you should not be embarrassed. Glad you could share it here. Who knows what choices any of us may have to make? You certainly should do what is best for the both of you.

Sleeping with a someone who snores is TORTURE! It's cruel to expect a partner to put up with the sleep disruption and not at least try to do something about it.

DH snores and thankfully, he got a sleep study a few years ago and now is on CPAP. I can now sleep without him waking me up to tell him to ROLL OVER!!! many times each and every night.

After getting DH to roll over by speaking, pushing, kicking (not hard), I'd be too pissed off to get back to sleep right away. But of course, he'd start breathing deeply and snoring once again!

It wore on me terribly, and I told him "hey, you're snoring and waking me up is going to affect both of our health. Do something, or get used to sleeping in the guest room".

Good luck!

tinam, if you'd read more carefully, you'd see he's not keeping me up at all any more...we each have our own room and both of us sleep as peacefully as possible now.

My dh snores so loudly that you have to mask it with a white noise machine and a closed door. He needs a sleep study and probably has sleep apnea....you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

i hate sleeping alone. But, I have to get some sleep. That doesn't mean you can't start out together.

My sister and her DH can't sleep together either. Her Dh has Parkinson's and lots of sleep issues with his disease.

my Dh is barely overweight. Like Mimi, I would find myself actually getting pissed off at him from lack of sleep. He says I snore too, lol.

i hate sleeping alone. But, I have to get some sleep. That doesn't mean you can't start out together.

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My sentiments exactly. Hated kicking him out, and would get to my wit's end before I did, but by then I was a wreck.

I feel for those who suffer- mostly women- because women seem to put up with their partner dismissing the problem.

I think it's abusive to deprive your partner of sleep. It's so, so, so integral to our overall health.

What if you really liked to read, or watch tv, or do whatever it is that keeps your partner up at night and deprives them of needed sleep, and yet you refused to stop because you didn't suffer any consequences?

That's what your partner is doing to you.

Excuse me Annie, I do realize you have separate rooms now. I read that. I just assumed he still has that problem, and if he'd tried medication. My dad is on medication and it has helped him a good bit.

For those who are having this problem with their husbands, I second HH's suggestion of a sleep study. For YEARS my grandfather snored, even gasped, etc. He was in the hospital for other problems (his heart for one) and they did a sleep study on him. It was amazing how many times he actually stopped breathing. The doctors told us this was dangerous, affecting his heart, etc. Sadly, he did not go home from that hospital visit, so they were not able to treat the apnea. It seems like sleep apnea is more and more common. I know many who use a CPAP. My brother and SIL both do and they are young! I read recently where there is a new device that is less intrusive than the CPAP.

All three of us snore, my DH, me and the dog. My husband will use ear plugs if me or the dog are bothering him but usually it's not a problem for either of us. The only time it's aggravating for me is late evening when he falls asleep in his recliner and he and the dog are snoring together. It's so loud, I can't hear the tv and when I turn it up, it wakes him...it drives me batty. In the end though, I'd much rather hear the snoring than not; such is life.

I agree, there is no need to be embarrassed; a couple should absolutely do what is right for them and not spend a single minute worrying about what the world will think; to put it bluntly, it's nobody else's' business.

A bit OT, but ...

There are a number of things I used to think I'd just DIE if anyone knew about me. There are certain things I went to great lengths to hide and would work myself up into a sweat if I thought they might come up in conversation with acquaintances. The older I get, the more I really feel this is true: We would care much less about what people thought of us if we realized how seldom they do.

Auntjen, your last remark reminded me of something I saw on Facebook. "Dance like no one is watching ,because they aren't. They're on their cell phones."

I think it's the older I get the less I care what other people think.

LOL! So very true!

Lately I've realized that most people aren't listening when we speak either, as they're too busy formulating their own response in their head. (Guilty as charged myself.)

Dh was a champion snorer and cpap has helped enormously and given me back a livelier spouse as well. Before that we were pretty much in separate bedrooms as sleep apnea not only made him snore but he was incredibly restless as well.

For some a retainer may help snoring. Another friend had his soft palate scraped but it was very painful. I also wore earplugs... The extra soft tan coloured ones and although the snoring has stopped I'm still addicted to the earplugs!

I just set my separate bedroom (insomnia room) back up after temporarily being deprived and it's a marvellous relief for me to have somewhere comfortable to hang out when I'm having trouble sleeping. Dh is light sensitive so I go away to read, watch TV etc when I can't sleep. I no longer feel trapped and stressed in bed!

Dh and I both don't enjoy cuddling while asleep so our proximity when unconscious isn't that important to me. I think he minds the separation a bit more.

PS it took me recording my husband's snoring and playing it back for him to realize how bad his problem was.

I think it's very common that the snorer is unaware of the extent of their snoring.

It amazes me that some people view snoring is just something one does, like farts a lot!

You just love them and accept it.

In many cases, what's actually happening is that the snorer stops breathing hundreds of times a night, depriving their organs of oxygen. This can lead to all sorts of problems resulting even in death.

The detrimental results on the health of both partners afflicted with this problem is very serious.

DH noticed the difference in how he felt in the morning immediately, so please urge your loved ones to see their doctor and get a sleep study!

Separate bedrooms work when you have a snorer, I think. When you start out together, someone ends up moving and for me, that interrupted my sleep. It just wasn't worth the struggle the next day. I decided that is why men often age better! :). They sleep and we don't.

One other thing besides weight and apnea that can increase snoring is drinking. Once that was no longer an issue, the snoring pretty much disappeared. I used to be able to hear him through the walls!

Ha!! Robo I had to do the same thing! Ha ha ha!!! Only I recorded him and the dog snoring in harmony!

AJ, I'm guilty of your last comment about focusing on a response instead of listening to the speaker. I didn't realize it 100% though until I read your post. It's not a good habit, so I'm going to try to be more cognisant.

Ummm, snoring can also be a side effect of heart trouble. Those with greater risk of heart attack, stroke and other cardio diseases usually suffer from apnea as well.

My in laws have slept apart for many years because they both snore. My MOM had undiagnosed sleep apnea for who knows how long and fluid built up around her heart. She spent six weeks in the cardiac ICU. Now she wears a CPAP.

Snowing is usually happening for a reason.

Like lukkiirish, DH, myself, and our dog snore. DH was diagnosed with sleep apnea 14 years ago after I was ready to move out. He's used a cpap religiously since then. Now it's only his restless leg syndrome that can be annoying. I had a sleep study 5 years ago and tried a cpap but couldn't tolerate it. This fall I had another sleep study after a pulmonary doctor scared me with what can happen if you don't pay attention to apnea. Tonight will be my 10th night with my new machine. Masks have vastly improved in 5 years and I'm finding it much more tolerable this time around. We are a sight to behold in bed...think fighter pilots with a chihuahua as navigator.

Kitty, please encourage your DH to get a sleep study. They now do home studies, which I had before doing the full blown study at the hospital. That would give them an indication if there is an apnea issue.

Good night and good luck!

I am a terribly light sleeper, and DH snores sometimes. He always, ALWAYS goes to sleep on his back, despite my efforts to convince him otherwise. Often he will start snoring before I am even asleep, at which time I get up and move to the spare room. One thing that has helped a lot is reducing his alcohol consumption. I can pretty much predict that he will snore if he's had more than one glass of wine or a beer. Those nights, I just pad off to the spare room to start with, and everyone is happy.

The other thing he takes note of, is how his head feels. If his nose is stuffy, I just kiss him on my way out the door. No need to try, he will be snoring in moments.

I also have to admit, I find the spare bed more comfortable. But don't tell him that!

cyn427

Separate bedrooms work when you have a snorer, I think. When you start out together, someone ends up moving and for me, that interrupted my sleep. It just wasn't worth the struggle the next day. I decided that is why men often age better! :). They sleep and we don't.

*******

But, they really don't sleep, not restoratively anyway. It's not just a noisy nuisance.

aok - has he tried the breathe right thingies?

Lukki - our dog occasionally snores. It's kind of funny.

Robo - good idea! I had to laugh at you taping it.

nhbaskets - maybe it's better (easier) though that you are both using the cpaps? At least you understand what the other is going through. :)

Of course I don't really know people here, but over the years of talking about our lives, I find it hard to believe that any of your husbands are would intentionally want to keep you from sleeping. I think they probably don't realize how bad the snoring is (and thus the idea of taping them is a really good one) and probably don't realize how bad it is on their partner. I don't like to see threads turn into spouse bashing, so the remark about abuse did not set well with me. So if someone is really having a problem with this, making them aware just how bad the situation is and how it is affecting you might make your partner think. Just as important is being checked out medically. I wish they had found my pappaw's problem earlier, it might have saved his life.

nbasket wrote

We are a sight to behold in bed...think fighter pilots with a chihuahua as navigator

You made me laugh out loud!

We sleep separately as well. I also have a very hard time falling asleep unless the room is ABSOLUTELY quiet. Husband isn't a terrible snorer but he sleeps on his back and he sort of 'puffs' as he breathes till he gets into deep sleep at which the snoring does start....totally keeps me awake. We also have entirely different sleep patterns as he likes to go to bed and get up very early, while I like to stay up a bit later and wake later too. He gets up several times a night for bathroom visits, etc. Even the *bed* style we like is opposite: he prefers a rock hard mattress and I'm a cloud-soft kinda woman. Oh, and he gets cold if the temperature goes much below 80 while I cannot sleep in such swelter. I also find as I've gotten older if I have a sleepless night (or series of nights) I feel really, really awful and dysfunctional. Those youthful days of being able to function on a handful of hours of sleep are long gone for me. So yeah, separate rooms works very well for us :).

One of the highlights of a typical day now for me is when I finish the chores, shower, get into my nightgown and then settle down in my super comfortable bed with a good book to relax while I read til I'm drowsy, then turn the lights out to sleep in peace and quiet. It was such a revelation when I could finally do that every night after years of reading in the living room so I didn't wake him up followed by lying sleeplessly in bed trying desperately to go to sleep-and I tried earplugs, melatonin and all kinds of other tricks.

I understand about being embarrassed because it seems to be one of those commonly accepted marital rules, but sleeping in the same bed/room just doesn't always work and as Jen said, different bedrooms doesn't mean there's no intimacy or that you're living in an unhealthy marriage. We'll be celebrating our 30th anniversary in a few months--each ensconced in our nice cozy beds in our own rooms LOL.

Nhbaskets.... I thank heaven my dh used his religiously from day one. His apnea had gotten so bad it was easy for him to feel the difference (at the end when we knew there was a problem but hadn't yet completed the study, he was practically narcoleptic). I am trying to convince him to use it for naps! It's worth it to find a mask that works for you.

Robo, I was amazed at what was now available. I have what's call 'nasal pillows' with just one small strap around my head. Before DH got his first cpap (he's on his third), I use to be thankful when he would stop snoring. Well, his first sleep study revealed he stopped breathing 90 times per hour. Not snoring = not breathing. Not good!

I thought this was cute.

And this one too...

@ tinam - yes, DH tried the breathing strips. He had varied results. At first we thought we had found the solution. But after a few months, they just seemed to stop working. Lately he has been a lot better. It occurs to me, he has been better since we turned off the AC. Hmmm. :?

Last night he had several beers, and I was really tired, so I went to sleep in the spare room. I took an Aleve for a little soreness, and slept for 9 solid hours!! Woo hoo!!

Give up the wheat. My DS used to snore SO loud, and his room is right by the living room. Now, I have to look for his car, because he is so quiet that I cannot tell if he is home or not.

DH used to snore AND have sleep apnea, and now he is quiet and breathing!!

I used to snore, and apparently now I don't...

Wondering if any of you cpap users know anything about an alternative called Inspire? It's being advertised heavily in the Tampa area.

Inspire cpap alternative

Snoring can also be caused by a poor mattress resulting in a misaligned spine and the wrong pillow for designated sleeping position. A mattress and pillow should be synchronized to provide a restful night of sleep. I used to snore before investing in an adjustable slat bed with a zoned mattress and I trained myself to sleep on my side(s). If you sleep on your side and still snore, then a medical and spinal exam is recommended.