I don’t think your feelings are terrible, or that they point to problems in your marriage; it’s just wisdom kicking in that’s all. Marriage and all that comes with it requires a maturity that most young adults haven’t developed yet.

I totally understand your feelings and totally agree with Kool Beans. Having been married quite young myself for the first time, and knowing absolutely nothing about what I was getting myself into or how I (and he) would both grow into quite different peope within a very short time, I find it hard to keep from pulling young people aside who are on the verge of marriage and urging them to "RUN, Forrest - RUUUUNNNNN!" When you've been through it yourself, observed many others go through it, and you know the reality that the marital statistics portray, I would think it only natural to want others to avoid painful experiences. Of course, the reality is that we typically just wish them well and pray hard over them, hoping for the best and understanding that we each have to learn life's lessons for ourselves as we mature.

I tend to agree. Having been a college advisor for 25 years, I can count on one hand with several fingers left over the number of college/immediate after college marriages that lasted. I think developmentally people-both men and women-really aren't prepared for making the kind of commitment that a lasting marriage requires.

There are exceptions of course. But I think of many of them as following the model of my cousin (also Southern BTW). She got pregnant and married her boyfriend when she was very young. They've stayed married *but* she is utterly dependent on him, financially and emotionally....and she is often very vocally unhappy about that and about her life. I do wonder if things would have been different or better if she hadn't gone from depending on mom and dad to depending on a husband without ever learning the confidence that comes from knowing you can depend on yourself.

Marrying when you are just out of college, or even sooner, can be such a mistake. There’s so much of life yet to experience and experiencing it on your own without the obligations of marriage is the best way to learn about yourself and the world. As Ida says, we change a lot in our 20s. Yes, I would feel sad at a wedding of a couple who are still very young.

I never think about that kind of stuff at weddings. I’m usually just happy and excited for the couple. I can’t remember the last time I went to a wedding where the couple were really “young” though. It seems like so many people live together until they’re older before they get married, at least the young couples I know.

As an exception to the young marriage failure rule, I will add that we got married when we were 21 and in college - no pregnancy involved. We’ve been happily married for 41 years. I do tell people we were really lucky because we were very naive at that age though far more independent and mature than any 21 year olds I’ve met in recent years. I think we are fundamentally the same now as we were back then. I just think at that age you have no clue how significant your differences will become and how willing and able you will be to adapt and compromise.

This really is out of my experience. In my world brides are much more likely to be closer to 30+ than 20. I have two daughters 25/23 no where near marriage. I married at 29. Here is the thing if my daughters KNEW they would be married, with children I think these years after college would be a blast, full of growth and finding themselves. Instead there is the niggling doubt that takes all the joy out of this time for them. I know it did for me. College is a very rich "hunting" ground for a mate. If you haven't found one by graduation the hunt gets very tough. I do applaud these young people in your experience for getting married. All this living together is not working for women most of the time.

Arcy, I think you make a very good point.

My husband & I met in grad school and dated for several years - some of it long distance because of a clinical fellowship I had after my degree. We knew we wanted to be together. I was 26 and he was 25 when we got married. It will be 41 years in October. We've been through high waters and drought. I can't imagine life without him.

I feel sorry for young women who marry because of pregnancy, and for young women who never live on their own before they meet someone to marry. Living on my own let me learn a lot about myself and I developed confidence I never would have acquired living with someone.

Not only was I at a wedding for two just out of college, in her vows she basically said she’ll be there to watch all his sporting events “to support him.” This was deemed important enough to include in her vows. I probably groaned “no” out loud.

He’s not a professional, and I don’t understand why their wives watch them work, nor is he a 7 yo you’re trying to encourage to like Little League. Shouldn’t they both have things they do by themselves? Will he attend her hobbies? How much quality time do you actually have together when she's in the stands and he’s in the outfield?

Many of my negative feelings on this is because I find sports boring, so I wouldn’t be volunteering to waste my limited time watching my husand play them and consider it being supportive.

i wish them well and hope they have a happy life but I did think couldn’t this wedding wait a few years? Full disclosure: I didn’t marry until I was 34 so anything before 30 seems too young to me. :-)

I agree that dating after the college years is tougher than ever. I'm so glad my son met his fiance during those years (though he was not in school, she was) via a shared interest. They have lived together for 3 years (since she graduated undergrad) and will be married this October. They seem solid through the ups and downs and financial hardship of her being in grad school for the past 2 years. They will be 26 on their wedding day. My son's best friend is having the worst time with all the "computer" dating and he is in a very male dominated field of work. It is tough out there for those seeking a life companion.

I married at 23 and saved money for my wedding by living with my parents for the year between college and marriage. I sometimes regret that I have not ever lived on my own, but I'm still happily married.

We married at 24 (me) and 23 (DH). I was out of college a year and on my own, he was out of college 4 months and living with his family. So far married 32 years.

But ... we did attend a family wedding much like the OP described. She was about 20, I'm not sure of his age. They had dated a year or so, then lived together for a bit. She moved in with him partly to get out from under Daddy's thumb. My thought at the wedding was to wish them well, hope for the best, but not expect much. It's been a year, I guess they're still married.

Being unselfish is hard.

Only one friend's son married in his 20's. He married a lovely woman ten years older. I don't think he would have gotten married this young if his wife was closer in age.

The others seem to be living together for many years before becoming engaged, 30 and up.

And then.....there is my oldest. Living together for at least 7 years now with no plan for marriage. Actually there is a plan and the plan is not to get married.

I married just one month short of turning 30. DH was 36. I loved being on my own, having my own apartment, coming and going as I pleased, answering only to myself. (I was able to walk to college and then when it was time for my masters, I took the subway. Living on my own all those years gave me the experience I missed not be able to go away to school.)

I agree with you, Best. What's the rush?

We’ve been to 15 weddings in the last 4 years (crazy!) and the last wedding, mentioned above, was definitely the youngest couple. Maybe that’s part of why their young age stuck out to me, I wasn’t used to seeing such baby faces.

Last year, one of the weddings was a 71 yo guy and a 60-something woman. My only thought of age then was isn‘t it fabulous they found each other. .

My dh and I met our senior year in high school at an Honors visitation weekend at a college. We started dating, and dated all through college even though I ended up going to a different school than the one where we met. This was probably a good thing, bc we could establish friendships and interests beyond each other. However, being apart did make us realize how much we loved each other. We married in our early 20’s when I was in graduate school and he was working on his executive MBA at night. We’ve been married 26 years!!

We always laugh that we are so glad we met and married young, before we became too set in our ways and picky! We basically grew up together. Sometimes when you meet the right person, you just know. :) No need to wait! I will say though, that I am glad we DID wait a bit for the kids. We got to travel and have fun a bit before our first came along about 7 years in. :)

I really love all weddings, young, old...there is something sweet and romantic at each.

I married at 24 and agree about getting to grow into adulthood together. Mind you, I thought I would marry later than I did, but when the right guy turned up, that was that. Plus having children in your 20s or early 30s allows for younger ,healthier grandparents, which I think is nice for all three generations involved.

BTW celebrating 25 years anniversary shortly.

My mother had drilled into me my entire life that I shouldn't marry until at least my late 20's as she had, so I always expected it to play out that way. Instead, I married at 21 (DH 25) after dating for one year. We've often commented how lucky we were to have found each other when we did. I don't think either of us would have enjoyed the singe life and found going through life together to be so much more fun.

We waited several years to have kids and thoroughly enjoyed the chid raising years and sharing adventures with them. DD didn't find the right one and marry till 39 . It always made me a little sad that it took so long.

At weddings I find myself hoping the bride and groom enjoy married life and have as as much fun as we have.

Weddings make me feel hopeful and happy for the couple. But now that I am older, if they were in their early to mid-20's I would want to say don't rush. DH and I met in HS, but he was 4yrs ahead of me. We saw each other several times around town after I graduated, and started dating early June, just before I turned 21yo. We both knew on our first date we were "the one." By the end of July we were engaged and married in December. Almost 38yrs now. I was on my own for 3yrs before we married. We started our family early - I was 23, 25 and 28 when I had them. Would I change anything? No. Did I suggest this for our children? No. DD1 is almost 36yo, never married and not looking or dating. DD2 is 31yo and expecting baby #2 with DH #2 (we really shouldn't count #1 at all, but we did get a fantastic, almost 8yo, DGS!). DS is almost 34yo and has been in a relationship for 10yrs, no plans to marry, even though they have a 7yo DD. DD2 was mature enough to get married the first time, it just didn't work out. But she has the best DH now and we just found out yesterday the baby is a girl! Having grandchildren at a younger age was a blessing, so no regrets.

I think about this a lot and how I'll advise my kids. I think long-term compatibility depends upon how well you know yourself and your spouse. There are many issues in a marriage you can work with, work around, and work through with self-awareness and acceptance. Some couples enter the marriage with this, others arrive at this over time, and others miss the boat entirely. I can only encourage my children to know themselves first.

I attended a family wedding a few years ago when my husband and I were in a particularly difficult spot. I recall looking at the bride and groom and wanting to cry for them because they had no idea how hard it was going to be. It kinda ruined the occasion for me, so now I attend weddings with a heart full of hope and love. It makes the cake taste better, too.

...started dating early June, just before I turned 21yo. We both knew on our first date we were "the one." By the end of July we were engaged and married in December.

Allison, your experience was very much like mine - people roll their eyes when I say I knew on our first date that this was the guy I'd marry - so I'm glad to hear that someone else understands. :) We started dating in mid-November and were living together by Christmas. I was 25, he was 26. I always joke that I'd "kissed enough frogs to know a prince when I met one". In July we'll have been married 20 years.

We were 30 when we married and DS2 and his fiance will be 30 when they marry next year. However they own a condo and have been together 3 years and I'm glad they want to get married.

DS1 who is 31 has been with his SO for 7 years with no plans to marry. Her parents went through a messy divorce and I don't know if they will ever marry. They too own a place together and seem well matched and happy.

The children of most of our friends are close to 30 when they marry.

Congratulations, smhinnb! I understand completely. We have gotten strange looks when telling our story, usually followed by asking the age of our children. I'm guessing they are trying to figure out if we had to get married/were expecting.