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caflowerluver

Does it bother you when someone keeps trying to change your style?

caflowerluver
2 years ago

My sister is always sending me clothes that I wouldn't even wear on a bet. The clothes she picks are wild and crazy and colorful. I tend to wear clothes that are solid dark color t-shirts and jeans. For jackets I prefer lightweight black or neutral color or jean jackets. She has been saying that I need to spice up what I wear for the last 30 years.

She LOVES being the center of attention and all eyes on her when she walks into a room. I don't like standing out in a crowd, but feel more comfortable blending in. At 67 I don't think I am going to change. I have told her repeatedly to save her money and don't buy me anything, but she refuses to listen. The latest jacket will just hang in the closet with all the rest she has sent over the years. I have never worn any of them. I have to keep them in case she comes for a visit.

Here is a picture I pulled off the web of the latest one.



Comments (51)

  • adellabedella_usa
    2 years ago

    I like it and would wear it.


    My sister and I have different styles. I still buy her clothes with her permission. I know her favorite colors. For a while she had a second job where she was only allowed to wear certain colors. Mainly, she likes what I buy.

    caflowerluver thanked adellabedella_usa
  • always1stepbehind
    2 years ago

    When you described your solid t-shirt and jeans etc...that is totally me!! Though cute, I wouldn't wear that either!!

    caflowerluver thanked always1stepbehind
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  • eld6161
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    No, no and did I say no? Fun to see who here does like it though! There are some things that are just not a maybe, and this is one. Either you would wear it or you would not.

    I have a cousin who always wears bright colors. She often comments on my neutrals. Yes, I love my neutrals but what she doesn't usually see is some of my colorful pieces. When we meet, it's usually in the city and I need to wear comfortable shoes. Many here know shoe's are hard for me, so not many choices. My neutrals coordinate better.

    I don't like how your sister is trying to change you. I have an older sister who is not into clothes, not into shopping. Left to her own devices, she would come to an event in an appropriate outfit.

    If it is a function that I have invited her to, I will explain what I am wearing so she know what to do.

    I have another sister who kept tucking in her blouses. It did her no favors. I said something to her and she looks so much better. Both this sister and my brother were together and commented that I care too much with the way I look! Well okay then.

    Other than these incidents, it's not up to me to be the fashion police.

    caflowerluver thanked eld6161
  • jkayd_il5
    2 years ago

    DawninCal, good for your husband. Most men wouldn't do that. A mother in law can cause serious problems in some marriages.

    caflowerluver thanked jkayd_il5
  • caflowerluver
    Original Author
    2 years ago

    When I was younger I would give in to her and dress more flamboyantly, but every time I did I always felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait to get home and change.

  • ravencajun Zone 8b TX
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I like color and I like that jacket but I don't think it is appropriate for anyone to try to dictate what another person should wear. Maybe returning it to her and saying thank you for the thought but no it's not for me. You can stand up for yourself! Suggest if she wants to buy you clothes to take you with her!

    caflowerluver thanked ravencajun Zone 8b TX
  • rob333 (zone 7a)
    2 years ago

    Don't even keep it for her visits. She will only be encouraged.

    caflowerluver thanked rob333 (zone 7a)
  • Lars
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    She sounds like a compulsive shopper. I agree that she should take you with her when she wants to buy clothes for you.

    I have made clothes for several of my family members, including my grandmother, mother, brother, sister-in-law, and sister, and I generally too their tastes and preferences into account when making garment. I made my sister in law's wedding dress, and I made it the way she wanted it. I made silk blouses and linen blouses and skirts for my mother, and she complained that she had to iron the linen and wanted polyester instead. I told her that I refused to work with polyester and made the linen garments so that they would be extremely easy to iron. I prewashed the linen before making them so that she could wash them as well and they were preshrunk. She actually liked them after she learned how easy they were to iron, and I think also that her friends liked them. The silk blouses were going to have to be dry-cleaned, and she was okay with that. I made a lot of clothes for my brother - many of silk and linen, plus some shirts made of cotton that I painted with abstract patterns. I also made him a silk broadcloth long-sleeved shirt, some linen shirts, linen slacks with matching vest, and a three-piece fully lined white raw silk suit. These were things that he would have been unable to buy where he lived in Texas. Also, at that time (early 1980s), it was difficult to find linen clothes that were preshrunk and washable. I wore (and still wear) a lot of linen myself, and it is much softer after it has been washed. My favorite shirt that I made for him was white Irish linen that needed almost no ironing after washing - all he had to do was hang it up after washing, and it would dry without wrinkles. I wish I had bought more of that fabric, as it was a special weave that did not wrinkle. Actually, I had made that shirt for myself, but he convinced me to sell it to him.

    I have sometimes gone clothes shopping with my sister (she no longer allows this), and I would always read fiber content on the labels - she would not. Once at a dress shop, the salesperson tried to sell her a dress that she liked, but I told her not to buy it because it was 100% acetate and I told her it would fume-fade. She didn't buy it, but the clerk gave me a dirty look. Then I picked out a much more expensive similiar silk outfit, but she would not buy that either.

    As a small child (4-6 years old) I would go with my mother to dress boutiques downtown (this was before there were malls) and I would sit on a chair while my mother tried on dresses that the saleswomen would bring her, and I gave my critiques. At the boutiques she went to, buyers did not browse racks and the salespeople would pick out dresses that they thought she would like. This was in the 1950s. My mother would not shop in stores like Sears or Penney's, except to buy overalls and underwear for my father - nothing for herself or her children. She went to a children's boutique for children's clothes. My sister did not like to buy dresses, and so I would pick out dresses for my sister when she would refuse to go shopping. My sister was a bit of a tomboy as a child.

    Since I have made a lot of my own clothes, people do not even try to change my style.

    caflowerluver thanked Lars
  • caflowerluver
    Original Author
    2 years ago

    We don't shop together much since she is on the East Coast and I am on the West Coast, thank goodness. But when I was visiting and we were shopping she was always trying to get me to buy clothes I didn't need or want. It would take a long time and work to make my refusals stick. She would either act hurt and sulk or get angry. She can be quite the drama queen. We are fraternal twins and she was always the dominant one and liked to be in charge. I can't believe she is still trying after almost 50 years apart.

  • caflowerluver
    Original Author
    2 years ago

    Lars - I love linen and silk when I am getting dressed up for a special occasion. Linen does wrinkle a lot when wearing it. When I had to dress like a professional in 1980-90's I wore a lot of linen jackets and skirts. Now I wear casual cotton jackets in summer and wool jackets in winter. I don't like synthetics, they don't feel as comfortable to me. They make me sweat. I hated wearing dresses when I was young. My sister loved getting dressed up. I liked a tailor look (Think Coco Chanel look. ) and she loved frilly feminine clothes. I guess I was somewhat of a Tomboy.

  • katrina_ellen
    2 years ago

    I don't understand why she keeps buying stuff for you after you repeatedly asked her to stop. I wouldn't worry about wearing what she bought, its your choice. Acting hurt, sulking and her getting angry sounds manipulative. Its your choice and you have a right to it.

    caflowerluver thanked katrina_ellen
  • functionthenlook
    2 years ago

    I would also wear it in a heartbeat. In winter with black jeans, red turtle neck and red shoes. But everyone is different and should have their own style. I never really had anyone buy me cloths because I am tall and have to try everything on to make sure the arms and legs are long enough.

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  • maifleur01
    2 years ago

    I would wear it but consider it an accent garment rather than something to coordinate with. Especially for those in between weather and businesses where it may be warm inside/outside but the inside/outside is cold. Rather than keeping the stuff I would just donate it to various groups who have clothing closets.

    caflowerluver thanked maifleur01
  • highdesertowl
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    Why are you keeping these things? Get them out of of your closet so you have more room for the things you like :) Your responsibility as a gift receiver is to say thank you. After that, it is yours--do whatever you want with it. If you owe the giver more than that--then it was never really a gift.


    Reminds me of the saying: "Unasked for advice is always self-serving" Only in this case, it is unasked for clothes!

    caflowerluver thanked highdesertowl
  • sweet_betsy No AL Z7
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I love it! That piece could be used with so many pants, skirts, dresses. Endless options.

    However, I would not like other people picking out clothes for me.

    caflowerluver thanked sweet_betsy No AL Z7
  • hollybar
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I would donate that in a heartbeat. Should she ever ask,I would tell her that I appreciate all the thought that goes into her giftgiving (ahem) but since I would never wear it, I donated it to a worthy cause where someone else will be thrilled to find it.

    Your larger question,"what to do when someone keeps wanting to change your style"? Well,that is harder to answer. If I felt the "advice" was coming from a place of love, then I'd listen but,of course,decide for myself. If the advice/gifts kept coming,I'd remind them and keep donating. So easy to type but dynamics just aren't that simple between sisters, let alone twins. Good Luck!

    caflowerluver thanked hollybar
  • milliecat
    2 years ago

    I would never wear that either. I have no red, yellow, purple or orange in my wardrobe. I wear grey, taupe, green and sometimes navy. Never any prints...all sold colors. I wear nothing that isn't all linen, all cotton, or all wool. No polyester for me. The only person who buys me clothes is my daughter and we have similar tastes. I almost always love what she gives me.

    caflowerluver thanked milliecat
  • Elizabeth
    2 years ago

    I would never wear that jacket either. Though it could look nice on the right person. I have a friend who tells me I need to wear more color. I resist the urge to tell her she needs less color(s). Far less.

    caflowerluver thanked Elizabeth
  • Lucille
    2 years ago

    At 67, neither of you is likely to change and due to the geographical separation you will not have to put up with drama very often. There are women who love clothes like that and who would count themselves fortunate if you made those clothes a gift to them. Perhaps a women's shelter, where a gift to raise sprits would be a kindness. You need not have her permission, just give the items away.

    caflowerluver thanked Lucille
  • nicole___
    2 years ago

    In the 80's-90's, my professional wardrobe had pieces with pizzazz. I kept a few like that. :0) A hot pink raw silk jacket with mandarin collar, for instance. Now.....I'm more of a workout togs, hoodies, baseball caps gurl.

    caflowerluver thanked nicole___
  • 1929Spanish-GW
    2 years ago

    If you start giving them away to friends who would wear them, you’ll win in two fronts. First of all, you’ll make those friends very happy. Second, if you tell your sister what you did, she might stop sending you stuff.

    caflowerluver thanked 1929Spanish-GW
  • blfenton
    2 years ago

    There is colourful and then there is send in the clowns. That jacket is send in the clowns.

    I have 3 sisters and would never presume to buy any of them clothing. I recognize and understand that we all have different tastes.

    caflowerluver thanked blfenton
  • Lars
    2 years ago

    I generally only give people clothes that I make myself. I gave my brother in law a very nice thick green and black pinstriped cotton jersey nightshirt that I made for him when I drew his name for Christmas presents, but my sister was the one who wore it. I don't know whether he liked it or not, but she did. I made 3/4 sleeves on it, which you don't often find on nightshirts. I did also tell him that he had to wear underpants with it.

    caflowerluver thanked Lars
  • amylou321
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    My mother's wears the same thing every single day. Black straight leg jeans, and a turtleneck. She probably has a few dozen different turtlenecks, all solid colors. If she goes out, she wears white tennis shoes. That's it. It's a running joke. But no one ever tries to suggest otherwise. My father used to,to no avail.

    I have tacky style. Not so much in clothes, though I do like bright colors. I dress simply. Jeans and a shirt. I like fun Halloween or Christmas prints in their seasons. Mostly I wear pinks and purples and a few reds. It's what I like and what I am comfy in. My decorating style though,yeah THATS tacky. But again,makes me happy and even though I have been called childish for liking pink EVERYTHING or tacky for liking big, obnoxious,swirly twirly furniture,or silly for collecting hearts,it doesn't bother me. Talk all you want. Luckily, I nipped any and every sort of decor related gifts in the bud as soon as I closed on this house. No,I dont want your old furniture that you dont want to keep but also dont want to throw out. No, I dont want any other hand me downs. No, I surely dont want to go furniture shopping with you. And yes, I am POSITIVE that I want the huge canopy bed that took 4 men 8 hours to haul in and put together. And the useless little bench that sits at the foot of it. SO is tacky too. So it works out for the most part. He liked the bed i picked out,but nixed the absolutely FABULOUS living room suite in favor of an generic looking brown leather collection, every piece of which reclines,of course. Ugh.

    So anyway, to answer your question, yes and no. I find it extremely unkind to give someone unsolicited advice on their appearance, or buy things that they know you wont wear. However, I find no trouble.in being unkind right back, and either sending it back, or donating it and letting the giver know that I did so.

    caflowerluver thanked amylou321
  • nickel_kg
    2 years ago

    Donate them to a women's shelter. Everything that's hanging in your closet and any future unsolicited gifts. Noooooo hesitation. It's not like your sister is impoverishing herself, is it?

    Really it's the kind thing to do -- let those colorful clothes go out into the world and bring joy to someone! that's what your sister intended, just you won't be the one wearing them.

    caflowerluver thanked nickel_kg
  • murraysmom Zone 6a OH
    2 years ago

    Caflowerluver, I could have written your post as well. I have a sister, 16 years older, who has spent my entire life either telling me what to wear or buying me clothes as birthday and Christmas presents. She, too, loves to be, and often makes herself, the center of attention. Recently her ex-husband died and we went to the funeral. We went separate ways, talking to various family members and friends. When we came back together to leave, she went on and on about how everyone said how great she looks!! I was appalled but not surprised. I really dislike almost everything she has gotten me or suggested I buy. I like jeans and solid color t-shirts. I have bright color shirts, so color isn't the issue. She also tends to buy things that are not my size and generally really cheap and can't be returned. I have no problem giving away all the things she gives me. She also doesn't like anything clothing wise that I have given her so I stopped doing that a long time ago.

    At least you and your sister live on different coasts. I agree with the idea that you should just give away whatever you don't like.

    caflowerluver thanked murraysmom Zone 6a OH
  • Elmer J Fudd
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I don't think it's a question of color or less color, and more a matter of someone trying to tell someone else repeatedly what to do. Personally, I think that jacket is ugly and I'm not sure what age and what body type it would be appropriate for. The answer may be None.

    This might be time for "It's so sweet of you to send me things but you know we have different taste and I rarely like what you send me. I hate for you to waste your money. Should I send it back to you or just donate it?"

    caflowerluver thanked Elmer J Fudd
  • Iris S (SC, Zone 7b)
    2 years ago

    For years, my mother in law bought colorful clothes for both my husband and I. I would get big floral patterns, he would get bright checkers or something with a big Disney character. Both of us wear jeans and solid colored T shirts. Mostly navy. All of this stuff was donated and she finally stopped. If I do have to dress up a bit, I like funky patterns though. Not in a really obvious way, but close up. This is an example of a shirt I have. I also have love birds, penguins and whatnot. The only ones I buy clothes for are my two adult daughters. But mostly the casual stuff like solid colored leggings, tank tops socks and such.

    caflowerluver thanked Iris S (SC, Zone 7b)
  • marilyn_c
    2 years ago

    Clothes are not important to me at all and if someone suggested I needed to "change my style"

    (What style?!), I would probably change my friend instead.

    I had a friend, once upon a time, who always wanted to give me clothes. This was in the '80's, and the clothes were things like polyester skirts and jackets. Ye gods! I wouldn't wear that, and besides she was much bigger, taller and more buxom than I was. I would have looked like a dwarf in her clothes. I realize I am sort of on the fringe of humanity, and my life isn't like most people's. I have no family to be concerned about how I look, and I don't hang out with people who are interested in things like that. I can look presentable...I don't think anyone would be embarrassed to be seen with me, but make suggestions on what to wear? No. I am not interested in that.

    caflowerluver thanked marilyn_c
  • colleenoz
    2 years ago

    I actually like the jacket, but I like colours. I used to wear more subdued colours but revamped things as I got older. DD wears mostly black, white/cream or beige/taupe but I wish she would wear jewel colours like ruby, teal, emerald, sapphire because she would look stunning in them. But I know better than to even suggest it, much less give her any clothes.

    Perhaps your sister thinks you would look lovely in brighter colours and hopes that one day she’ll find something you will wear that will look pretty on you.

  • laceyvail 6A, WV
    2 years ago

    Lars, I'm impressed by your sewing skills! I don't sew at all (though I do knit), but I've always heard that men's tailored clothing is much harder to make than most women's clothing. I too love silk and linen. You can make me something anytime :).

    caflowerluver thanked laceyvail 6A, WV
  • Granny J
    2 years ago

    My MIL was always trying to give me advice on what to wear and how to decorate. One day a delivery truck showed up at our house with a living room set and the man said he was to deliver it to our address. It was nothing like what my husband or I would select. I directed him to deliver it to her house. It was brocade type material in a soft cream and I had five kids in the house. It wouldn't have lasted a week.

    caflowerluver thanked Granny J
  • OutsidePlaying
    2 years ago

    I ‘thought’ I posted something last night but don’t see it. This has happened to me again recently several times.

    Anyway, to answer the question, I don’t recall anyone trying to change my style except sales people in stores. Of course these days, you are lucky to find someone to wait on you at all in any major department store. Even in smaller stores, if I tell the sales associate I am looking for something specific I don’t need them to bring me a bunch of unwanted items. I generally tell them, no ruffles, full skirts, yellow, but some don’t listen and I get ‘oh this would look cute on you’. I don’t want cute. Not my style.


    caflowerluver thanked OutsidePlaying
  • Sammy
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I think your sister (and consequently your relationship) might benefit from psychotherapy as indicated by her passive-aggressive behavior:

    “I have told her repeatedly to save her money and don't buy me anything, but she refuses to listen.

    “But when I was visiting and we were shopping she was always trying to get me to buy clothes I didn't need or want. It would take a long time and work to make my refusals stick. She would either act hurt and sulk or get angry. She can be quite the drama queen.

    P.S. Regardless of whether or not your sister changes her behavior, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to become acquainted with a therapist so that you can learn ways to effectively stand your ground. :)

    caflowerluver thanked Sammy
  • aviastar 7A Virginia
    2 years ago

    If your sisters impulse doesn’t bother you and you can laugh it off because it really is more about her insecurities and lack of boundaries then so be it, donate or keep to appease, whatever. But I think it does bother you. So it’s time to set a boundary; I’d send them back, every time: Thank you for the thought but I know I won’t wear this and you’ll look great in it. She’ll pout, but you can’t control people’s reactions, you can take their feelings into account but she’ll learn eventually.

    caflowerluver thanked aviastar 7A Virginia
  • OklaMoni
    2 years ago

    No one can make you change your style.

    Tell your sister you don't care for the stuff she sends, and that you will donate those items to goodwill. She will get the message, and you can do what is right for you.

    Don't let yourself be bullied.

    Moni

    caflowerluver thanked OklaMoni
  • Uptown Gal
    2 years ago

    I don't even know anyone who would presume to just change my style. Wow!

    I have been asked by a friend if I could use something they had, or if I knew

    anyone who could use it, etc., but never

    assume that I needed to change my style and wear it. Wow.

    caflowerluver thanked Uptown Gal
  • Feathers11
    2 years ago

    It's probably her way of justifying her purchases and style (not that she needs to--those are her choices) and a way that she tells herself that she cares for and loves you.

    Be true to yourself. That's all you have to do.

    caflowerluver thanked Feathers11
  • daisychain Zn3b
    2 years ago

    caflowerlver, I have a friend who does the same. I know it's my issue, not hers, but it feels like she's insulting my style every time. My friend is very petite and blonde and looks great in the bright colours and childlike clothes she prefers. She can't seem to understand that I look (and feel) like a clown when I wear that sort of thing. I like sophisticated colours and tailored styles - and they suit my colouring and body type. I doubt she ever notices that when I buy her clothing, I pick colours and styles she wears, not what I wear.

    caflowerluver thanked daisychain Zn3b
  • Amazing Aunt Audrey
    2 years ago

    I would wear that in a heartbeat too Dawn.

    caflowerluver thanked Amazing Aunt Audrey
  • Lukki Irish
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    Caflowerlver, I don’t see that as her trying to change your style as much as she’s someone who won’t accept you for who you are. I’m a jeans & tee shirt kind of gal too. If one of my sisters kept doing that to me, I’d either send them back with a thank you but no thank you note or I’d tell her nicely that while I appreciate the thought, it’s not my style, so I’m going to give it to charity.

    It’s not my intent to sound mean but I’ve had people in my life that would try to push their preferences on me too and it really bothered me. Once I finally spoke up and made it clear I’d prefer they didn’t do that and why, it stopped.

    caflowerluver thanked Lukki Irish
  • whatsayyou18
    2 years ago

    Lars, I would love to hang out with you in your sewing room (studio?)! ;) My mouth waters at the description of your silk and linen pieces. Do you design them, too?

    Fortunately, I've never had to deal with the OP's situation and not sure how I'd handle it.

    caflowerluver thanked whatsayyou18
  • Lukki Irish
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I have a friend who does the same. I know it's my issue, not hers, but it feels like she's insulting my style every time.

    I don’t understand why this would be YOUR issue when it’s obviously your friend who is failing to accept you as you are. If you’ve expressed your feelings to her and the problem still exists, than she is also failing to respect the way you feel about it and respond accordingly.


    caflowerluver thanked Lukki Irish
  • sprtphntc7a
    2 years ago

    Just say "no". she will be 'hurt' but she will get over and move on to someone else.

    this is more about her issues than yours.

    i would not "keep it in case she comes for a visit"., that's a drain on your space and it would be a good chance for her see that you really don't want the clothes when they are no where to be found.

    have a 'heart to heart' then move on, life is too short for this.

    a little 'tough love': get your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself !! :)

    caflowerluver thanked sprtphntc7a
  • daisychain Zn3b
    2 years ago

    kool beans, the reason I think it's my problem is that I don't think she is purposely trying to insult me. I think, I'm too sensitive and should just be confident in my own skin. But, ya, she definitely doesn't accept me for who I am and, unfortunately, that's probably why we haven't talked in months.

    caflowerluver thanked daisychain Zn3b
  • Sylvia Gordon
    2 years ago

    Oh, Lars. Please adopt me.

    caflowerluver thanked Sylvia Gordon
  • Lukki Irish
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I understand, but as women, we tend to take ownership of a lot of cr*p that we really shouldn’t have to; the insensitivity or consideration of another is one of those things. Trust what your intuition is telling you, it knows (as do your forum friends) that you’re a good person who shouldn’t be made to feel that way. :c)

    caflowerluver thanked Lukki Irish
  • Elmer J Fudd
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    An alternative view is that many women, either by inclination or by upbringing or by their life experiences never develop enough self-confidence to express themselves and to speak out when someone's conduct or the consequences of conduct are unpleasant or not desired. Said another way, they're passive to their world and the people in it and sadly that sometimes reinforces having a victim's mentality.

    I know plenty of women who DON'T act this way. Millennial females tend to be this way much less than their mothers are/were but some also have poor examples to follow.

    There's no need or reason to accept problems or unwanted situations caused by others, no matter what your gender, and everyone needs to feel comfortable speaking up appropriately when it's warranted.

  • Lars
    2 years ago
    last modified: 2 years ago

    I did design most of the clothes I made, but I made traditional style pants, shirts, and suits for my brother. Normally I make my own patterns.

    As for changing one's style, when my brother was engaged, he and his fiancé refused to register for gifts because they knew that his fiancés mother would get involved. So I found out what they wanted and registered it for them, as many of their friends didn't know what to buy them. Then the mother found out about this and went to the store and changed ALL the registered items into what SHE wanted instead of what they wanted. So after the wedding, they took back all the unwanted items to the store and exchanged them for what I had registered for them. At the rehearsal dinner, someone asked my brother's MIL what she thought about the dress I had made, and she said, "I liked the bag," because I had made a custom garment bag for it. I did not realize that she was trying to insult me, and I said, "Oh, I've made tons of these." I used to make garment bags for all the dresses I made in San Francisco, but these dresses were mostly sold in New York.

    When I moved from San Francisco to Austin, I stayed with my sister and BIL for a month, which is when I made clothes for my sister, and I had her pick out the fabrics. I also did all her grocery shopping for her and cooked dinner every evening. The bad thing was that my BIL asked my sister why she did not cook the way I did!

    caflowerluver thanked Lars