For what it's worth, I have only good feelings about this, Satine. Even if your daughter ends up splitting from her SO, her child will be such a huge positive in her life. In that way, she'll never be alone. I don't know if you live nearby, but you could be a big part of their lives, and that would benefit you too.

My oldest child became a single mother when her daughter was a toddler. She did a wonderful job, working and going to school. They lived with me for several years, but I was working and didn't raise my granddaughter. My daughter got her college degree and her MBA. She got married again when her daughter was in college. My granddaughter has always been such a blessing to all of us. Best wishes to you and your daughter!

Satine, congratulations. Life's road is indeed strewn with complications, but your daughter sounds as if she has her head on straight, and she has a thoughtful, loving mother to help her and advise her.

Alisande and Lucille thank you for such positive feedback. Before having gone through all of the tough years with her I think if I heard the word addict I did what alot of people do---just assume the addict was a bad person. I have learned so much over the years. I know that she and her child will be more than fine because they will have much support from me and her sisters. I hope that her so can handle this most stressful time. He really is in love with her and she with him but that is not always enough. We shall see.

It is ironic that when she had her child almost 6 years ago her sister was also pregnant with her third child and she is now pregnant with #5. Their babies will be about 8 months apart.

Alisande, your daughter's story was encouraging. Im so glad that her life turned out so well and that you have a wonderful grand.

I feel for you and understand your turmoil. No advise, just hugs to you and sending strength and positivity.

((((((Satine)))))).

So sorry that this is a time of doubt. It is so difficult to raise your kids to be independent and then actually to let them go ahead and make their mistakes.

Your daughter obviously wants you involved in her life. That alone is worth celebrating for. It is a positive thing that she trusts herself enough to take this huge step. There's just no guarantees no matter what your children are like. Best to you and your DD and her SO.

It is hard as a mother to squash down your doubts and fears when you know you must be completely supportive. Even when our children are adults, we worry terribly. It is wonderful that she confided in you immediately. Such a great sign of love and trust. Honestly, we never know how the birth and early upbringing of a child is going to go. Even the best laid plans. I say, look towards the best and allow yourself to be happy.

Much as I'd like to offer encouragement, it's only rational to be concerned.

One concern is the bi-polar aspect. It's a burden to live with this -- for the afflicted and for his immediate and extended family. The (3) bi-polar people I have known have also had bi-polar children and grandchildren. Their lives have been chaotic -- loving, but chaotic.

I think you've raised a loving, caring child, but does she believe she needs to 'take care' of this man? Did they plan this pregnancy? What do her sibs think of her SO? How does your DD feel about the pregnancy?

We were 'with' you before. We'll be here for you now.

I mention this to avoid embarrassment (the speaker's) or offense - you wouldn't say that someone "is bipolar", anymore than you would say that someone "is chronic kidney disease" or "is cancer". It's bipolar disorder, and it's a medical condition people HAVE. I don't believe the word bipolar is used by itself when talking about it or about people with this condition.

Elmer, you just can't address the issue without some sort of correction, can you?

I have heard many, many times that someone "is bipolar". Whether that is technically correct or not, does it really matter?

I certainly understand your mixed feelings. Sending hugs your way.

I certainly understand your anxiety, Satine. Your daughter seems to have her problem under control. She's doing so well and I remember all you went through. I don't think you would be so concerned if not for the fact that her SO has bipolar disorder. Growing up, my mother suffered from manic depression disorder which is what they call bipolar today. It was not fun. My DIL suffers from bipolar and it concerns me but I try not to think about it and just live my own life. Probably a little easier for me because I'm on the East coast and they're on the West coast. He loves her and she loves him so I focus on the love and they'll have to deal with their problems as they come along. It's out of my control. Just be happy grandma to be. :-)))

As a parent and someone who raised her own as a single mother, I can completely relate with your concerns. It can indeed be a harder path to go down but it can also be very rewarding. I can only speak from my own experience, but when faced with both personal and financial challenges, it was my daughter that gave me that will to keep going and to not just quit. I suspect this child will help to keep your daughter on the successful path she’s on to, our kids have a way of doing that sometimes. Congrats to you, your daughter and her SO.

Best wishes for your daughter, her SO, the baby and you (of course). Like others have mentioned, there are no guarantees in life. I've seen 'perfect marriages' disintegrate. It sounds as if your daughter has her life together and I feel hopeful that she could raise the child singly if it came to that. My hope is that her SO steps up and takes care of his mental health so that he can be a good dad. Bipolar disorder can be managed.

Elizabeth said everything I would say so I won't repeat what she said. I will add that my daughter went through a similar thing. I thought her chances for a good life were over and the poor baby would be a fatherless child. Everything turned out fine. This baby is sixteen now and has a loving adoptive father and is the light of our lives. Prayers for you and your family.

Thank you all for your comments. To answer a few questions: I know that if she and so part ways she will be ok. It will be tough but she will definitely have support. Her so is bipolar and that is how he describes himself to me and others close to him. He has been being treated for more than 10 years and most of ;the time he manages well. She does not feel that she has to take care of him but does make every effort to "read the signals and be aware of the triggers". She has spent much time reading and learning about the condition so she can understand as fully as possible. I still have very mixed feelings but will do what I can to help.

From what you describe, it sounds like they are a good support system for each other and that she has made an effort to have a good understanding about what he is coping with. That’s more than a lot of couples with similar challenges have. She’s lucky. She has a mother who believes in her and is supportive of her choices. Sometimes that can make all the difference.

Saltine, I’m so glad your daughter has put her troubled past behind her. You’ve all been through so much. It sounds like she has come such a long way! So proud of her!!! I sure hope everything works out for them. It’s great that she is learning about his condition to help him manage it. As has been stated, her sisters and you will offer support and she will be ok no matter what. The baby is coming whether anyone thought it was a good idea or not. It sounds as though they are both doing all the right things. Hopefully things turn out fine. Only time will tell. We all understand your concerns. They are valid, but they are adults and seem to be proactive in dealing with their issues as a team, so try and enjoy this special time in her life.

I completely understand your concerns, not going into details, but, we are raising an 11 year old now. Never thought we’d be in this situation. Best thoughts and hopes for everyone involved.

No one knows what the future holds....even with best laid plans and the 'perfect' mate. Trust that your daughter knows what she is doing and can handle whatever comes her way and be happy.

Interesting what Elmer said as it is new for me. Several years ago I attended a mental health support group with a friend to better understand her disorder. Many of the participants referred to themselves as bipolar and even parents referred to their child as bipolar.

. I will repeat and agree that one never knows, so even when things seem to be all proper and promising, there are no guarantees. I guess we just hope for the best.

I really don't have anything wise to share, but offering internet hugs

I can understand your conflict, but deep down, I think you will be happy your DD has achieved sobriety and turned her personal life around and seems to be in a good place and a good relationship now. Be happy for her and supportive as I’m sure you are. Your daughter sounds like she is excited to share her news with you.

I worked with a successful man who is bi-polar. He happened to have an episode while on travel, was hospitalized while away, got his meds straight and got back on track. It was just blip in his life from a bit too much stress and too much drinking one night. He was not an alcoholic but did drink on occasion. He and his wife raised two successful kids and now have grandkids. He is approaching retirement.

Interesting what Elmer said as it is new for me. I believe Elmer has a narcissistic personality disorder. We all come to the KT as we are, but he is in many threads pontificating and correcting others. I suggest that if he says it is an hour earlier that you do some checking around before you re-set your clock.

Lucille, I am certain that many who post here have a personality disorder of some sort, but so what? It really is none of my business.

Just for the record.....there is validity to Elmer's statement. It certainly got me thinking and that is not a bad thing in my book.

For the regulars here , I sometimes certain responses just get tiresome. (And predictable, I might add.)

We have a family joke: My dad was very critical and would correct even the most inconsequential in a conversation. Once my mom was telling a story and my dad interrupted with, "No, it was a Tuesday!" When things get too ridiculous in an argument, we sometimes say, "It was a Tuesday!" Meaning, enough with the nitpicking. And then, of course, we usually laugh.

ETA: And Lucille, it is not so much that it is an hour earlier, but also it is the WAY you plan to set your clock that can be the issue ;)

"No, it was a Tuesday!"

My DH has an engineering mind so this is something he would say. After replying with, "And, that changes everything?" a few times, he stopped. Phew because it was extremely annoying!

'No, it was Tuesday' That is hilarious and I love it. Love it so much that from now on I may just use it for my Elmer issues.

Might it help to think about likely problems -- not *The Worst*, but quite possible scenarios given the factors -- and how your family (and his) would deal with those things?

Does your DD see a therapist for continuing help? She's had a lot of losses.

Well, I apologize to all of the people with diabetes, blindness, etc., to whom I have referred as "he/she is diabetic" "he/she is blind" and so on. I meant no offense.

Anyway, Satine, I see you have lots of warm words and good advice in this thread. To me, it seems as if your daughter and even her SO have their resources in place and are in a good place to be able to have this new sweet little love in their lives. I'm involved in a recovery community, and I've seen so many situations where people really step up to the plate when it comes to children. They can give a whole new meaning to life. I wish all of you many blessings!

feathers, diabetic, blind, etc., are adjectives, so ""he/she is xxxxx " is correct. You wouldn't say he is diabetes, he is blindness,

Thanks for the diagnosis lucille.

And bipolar is an adjective, too.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bipolar?src=search-dict-hed

He is bipolar. (adj)

He suffers from bipolar disorder. (noun)

I accept the definition you found but will suggest it's not the preferred language. I'll stick with suggesting that this is not unlike the old school practice of physicians to talk about "the gall bladder in 605 B" - that's also out of favor. It's a disorder people have and are afflicted by, it's not a way to describe them, adjective-wise.

I'm not sure why people with bipolar disorder warrant a preferred language over those with diabetes, blindness and other afflictions, diseases, disorders and disabilities. If we refrain from referring to some by an adjective, we should give everyone this same consideration.

pssst, Feathers give up now while you still have your sanity...it’s not worth it. Some people ALWAYS have to have the last word no matter what, even if it means making a fool of themselves.

suffers from diabetes= diabetic

has blindness= blind

has disability = disabled

suffers from bipolar disorder = bipolar

Thanks, Kool Beans. I won't lose my sanity over people in the internet. There's plenty of people in my real life causing that! And in this case, I learned something from this discussion--that I need to consider how I refer to people who suffer from diseases, disorders, disabilities, and so on. And I need to consider them fairly and equitably when using adjectives to describe them (not just a select group or those with certain afflictions).

Satine, I'm sorry to have contributed to the detour from your post. I hope all goes well and your daughter and her SO remain steadfast in their sobriety and good health.

I will just say this: my sister refers to herself as diabetic; her son refers to himself as bipolar; my daughter's so refers to himself as bipolar. Lets let those in such circumstances be allowed to refer to themselves as they wish. The comment about the dr. referring to a patient by his ailment is a whole different conversation and Im glad this practice has stopped.

We have a saying in my family which we direct toward our second eldest sister. We say to her you are not your bipolar disorder. She has bipolar she is not bipolar.

One of my other sisters says you are more than the sum of your bipolar and other parts. I can't remember where but there is some kind of a saying that goes along those lines and my sister gets a kick out of that one.