No experience, but I understand your feelings. But try and be happy for your son and his new friend. They have been through a lot in the past year, and at this point it is only a friendship. Let time tell.

I think your feelings are totally understandable, but you also need to be happy that your son is not going to grieve and be alone for the rest of his life, too. Your late DIL would want that for him, wouldn't she? It's also a good reflection on their life together, that he is willing to have another relationship with someone. I don't think that it is disloyal of you to accept another person into your life, nothing can take away your memories and feelings.

I think you should be very glad that he's open to more love in his life- so many times when someone is widowed, they refuse to risk their heart again and that's so sad. I wouldn't want my husband to be alone if something happened to me.

I agree with the others. I would be happy for my son. Life goes on, and if he can find someone to share the rest of his life with, that would be wonderful.

When my mother-in-law passed away, her four sons were devastated, naturally. Less than a year later my father-in-law introduced the family to a new lady in his life. He had met her, in all places, at his grief counseling meetings. She lost her husband at around the same time as MIL passed. She seemed like a nice lady, but the boys just never gave her a chance. FIL ended up marrying her, selling his home, and moving to another state to be near her family. Yes, there's a lot of the story that I'm not telling you, but I really think the gist of the story is that she never felt welcomed here and FIL loved her and wanted to be happy (he deserved it), so they moved closer to her family because they accepted the relationship. FIL's boys felt he had betrayed MIL. He was faithful to her when she was alive, so I never did get that. They were mad that he sold their childhood home. They were mad that he moved. It's been more than 10 years now, and they have all softened up a bit, but the damage is done. They rarely see him.

You loved you DIL. She is gone. You will not be betraying her by liking (or even loving) another woman your son cares about. Nobody is going to replace her. And even if you didn't like the new lady, remember, if she cares about your son and makes him happy, what more could you ask? Isn't that what's important? Unless you know or suspect something really terrible about her, I urge you to make her feel welcome.

Well love doesn't work on a time table. If someone is there now, she is there now and he may not have a chance like this later down the line. I think it shocks some people how fast someone who was in a great relationship can move on after they lose their partner but it makes sense to me. It's got to be even harder for those people to be alone after a loss.

My best friend, Charlotte, met a widower with two young children just six weeks after his wife had died. They became good friends, then like turned to love, and they happened to get married on the exact six month anniversary of his wife's death. Everyone said that was bad luck. Well, it's 35 years later and they are still together. So much for bad luck...

I understand how you feel, but you need to be happy for your son. He was wonderful to his wife, so I'm sure she would be happy for him to find happiness and get on with his life.

My son died 4 years ago. He had been married for almost 18 years, and they had two sons. His wife has a new boyfriend, and they are buying a house together this month. They started going together almost 2 years ago, and she immediately brought him to meet us. DH and I have welcomed him into our family, and we are thrilled that she has found happiness.

My mother passed away in January 2009. She and my father were happily married for 63 years. Shortly after Mom's death, Dad renewed a friendship with his high school sweetheart (she lost her DH in 2008). They have taken three cruises together, and he has brought her here to visit us twice (for several days each time), and they are coming back to visit in the very near future. My brother and I are thrilled that, at age 88, Dad has a "lady friend to keep company with". It has helped him deal with the devastating loss of Mom, and after 63 years of treating our Mom as a queen, we feel that he deserves all the happiness in the world. Her three grown sons are equally happy for her.

On the funny side, after their first meeting in 65 years, my father told me that "she looks old"! I think he expected her to be the glamorous young lady that she was when he last saw her in 1944. I suggested that perhaps he should look in a mirror....

Thanks, Kiddos. I am typing this with tears running down my face. Your words have helped me sort out things in my mind. I want to assure you, I am very happy for my Son. It is so good to see him happy again, and I really like the new lady. That was my problem, when I talk to her and she visits, I enjoy her so much, then I think about our DDIL, and I was feeling conflicted, like I was being disloyal to her. I would like to think she is looking down on the situation, approving and maybe secretly hoping the new lady will take care of all the flowers she planted. Having no close friends left anymore, I'm glad I can come to this site to discuss things, and get opinions. Dottie

I think your feelings are normal, because this new relationship naturally brings your feelings of loss back to the surface again, and that's very painful. In time it will all work itself out, and you will enjoy a meaningful relationship with this lady too, I believe.

To find real/true love a second time in this short lifetime we're given is truly a blessing. Your son is too young to continue to live with unhappiness. He and you have great memories of her and that's something that can't be taken away. Be happy for him that he found someone that potentially can be the one to make new memories and feel alive again to live a full life. Those potentially new memories are your gain as well.

We are on this earth to be happy and live full lives while we can, so nix the feelings you have, wish your son the best and hope if they progress and stay together they will be just as happy, if not more, than the first time around. No one likes or wants to be alone and IMO, there's NOTHING BETTER in the world than truly being in love, both on the giving and receiving end.

You have no need to feel guilty or disloyal to your DDIL. She was one very special lady who was a part of your life, and will continue to be. You have room in your heart for this new lady too.

The other day I happened to look at the license plates on a car parked next to me. They started with DFN!! I thought of her immediately and felt a little pang of grief. I hadn't realized it's been a year already. She was one of a kind.

Shirley

No one has only ONE "Love of my Life". Thank goodness!

It's so nice to read the replies to this OP. You are a real bunch of *peaches*, ladies!

I think your feelings are perfectly, perfectly natural. My situation wasn't anywhere like yours ... DS ended up getting a divorce from a cheating wife ... but I grieved for that loss, because I dearly loved her and had, for years. It helped me to talk about it, and work through my emotions. I'm thinking you just haven't finished working through the emotional loss yet.

((Dottie)) ... we're here for you.

I can completely understand your feelings and your *guilt* for liking your son's new friend.
You feel like you're cheating on Dirty Fingernails.

What's really nice, is that right off the bat your son and his friend have an immediate common interest, if you will. They can share their feelings (and fears and hurt) with one another, and know the other person will know exactly where they are coming from, and respect the other for it.

Because they have both lost a spouse, they may very well want to take things easy, and right now they have a strong friend in one another.

I'm glad that you like her. You've got the biggest, warmest heart Sweetie.

((((Dottie))))

I remember your DIL. A year isn't long to grieve, and I know you still feel the pain of that loss.

Dottie, don't fear liking your son's new friend. Be happy for him. He has had his own powerful feelings about having a new person in his life; his new friend has probably had her own collection of emotions about the relationship as well. It doesn't mean you are being untrue to your DIL. Love multiplies, it does not divide.

Remember when we were surveying the states everyone was from? Someone came up with a US map of where KTers were from. I saw her name on there. She has not been forgotten on the KT!

Hugs to you.....Susan

Thanks again, KT friends, I can't tell you how much it has helped to be able to talk this over with you-all and appreciate your replies. (The good cry didn't hurt either) Dottie

Dottie, I hope you can open your heart to Docs new friend.
Maybe it's a good time to tell some of my story.
My first wife, Mary, and I were married for 16 years. Then I lost her to ovarian cancer. The kids were so young yet. Our daughter was 15 and the boys were 12, 10, 8, and 5. About 8 months after Marys death a friend asked me if I ever thought about remarrying. I said, "I'm a 41 year old widower with 5 kids. Who's going to have me?" She asked me to keep an open mind. A month later I met Sue through a mutual friend. Sue was/is very upfront with people. She told me she wasn't interested in a relationship. She was finishing up her BS degree in Social Work and then was planning on leaving the area. Then she met the kids. And fell in love with them. Jason, our youngest, was 4 at the time and he chose Sue. He was a very shy child and he and Mary had a very close relationship. Mary was a stay at home Mom and when the other kids went off to school and I went to work he had her all to himself every day. When she died his world collapsed. Whenever he met a stranger it was like a turtle pulling into its shell. He wouldn't say a word and just stare at the tops of his shoes. The first time Sue met the kids we went to the county fair. I parked the truck and as I was locking up Sue and the kids headed across the parking lot. I looked up to see Jason walking with Sue, holding her hand, laughing and talking. I was literally following along 3 steps behind them with my mouth hanging open. Whose kid was this??? He captured her heart, and I got a second look. A few months later we were married. We both knew by our second date that we were meant for each other. We were married two weeks short of a year from when Mary died. Some of my friends had a difficult time dealing with Sue. I understood that and gave them some time. What I was most hesitant about was Marys family. Sue and I were married on Dec. 17th. The next day we flew from New Mexico to Minnesota for Christmas. Christmas Day we went to Marys family. After Christmas Dinner Marys sister came up to me in the kitchen, put her arm around me and said, "Oh, I really like her!" That meant so much to me. Sue has been so good about keeping Marys memory alive for the kids and maintaining a relationship with her family. She even refers to Mary's Mom as her mother-in-law.
Try to keep an open mind.

Ron

Oh, Ron, your story is sooooo beautiful, and gives a look at the situation from another view. Thank you. Dottie

I agree with what all the others have said. Be happy for your son. The fact he is able to have feelings for someone is a tribute to his relationship to your DDIL. Had he not loved her then he may not have been open to loving another. Our hearts have infinite space for loving many in our lives. Otherwise we would only be able to have one spouse,one child one pet,one loved friend etc.

Most everything has been said quite well. About the only thing I can add Dottie is that with the challenges you've faced in the years, with which you've face with strength and courage I've never seen matched. It can be normal to be suspicious of a good thing. Your heart has been broken so many times I just hope you're not risking a good thing from a subconcious fear of something bad happening again. Don't be afraid to have some happiness for you or your family! I hope this isn't the case and certainly understand your apprehension. But this is a good thing to happen. And it's meant to be. I look at it as possibly a reward to Dok for his strength, courage and such through an horrific time of his life.

Keep in mind it's a friendship right now. See what happens. Hopefully it's going to be a great thing for all no matter where it goes.

I can appreciate the situation from a bit of a reversed angle. My mother died from cancer and my dad didn't take it well. He talked suicide, etc. Probably about a year or so later my dad's neighbor's husband died after a long battle with heart trouble. Of course Barb was devastated. She wanted to go to Norway and she and Rollie had planned this for so long but with his health it didn't work. My folks wanted to go to Scandinavia and put it off and put it off, then the cancer hit and 6 months later Mom died. One day we were at an event of some type and Barb came up to my dad and asked how he felt about going to Norway with her. She didn't want to go alone and knew he wanted to go. Well, he wouldn't even think about it. "What would people think???" I couldn't get him to understand that he's depriving himself of happiness by feeling guilty. Then one day he mentioned it to my uncle (his sister's husband) with whom we've always been close. His response? Why the he!! not??? Then he threw in the kicker. "I think you should find a nice girl and get married again. Let's face it, there's no sex after 55 anyway!!" LOL And he went on to say set up a Will and you can still leave the kids what you want, what's yours is yours, what's hers is hers, she can give her kids what she wants and you can have that all set up from the start but there's nothing wrong with some companionship. (Bill was a very wise man IMO) But the "what would people think" haunted him until his death a couple years ago.

My mother's only sister was diagnosed with cancer in 1964. In those days, no type of cancer was curable and they were hardly treatable. Well she attended my mother's funeral in 1977. My aunt's many illnesses were tragic. Her mind was affected, her memory too. She became unbearable to live with and how her husband and daughter came through it to me is amazing. But after she died, her husband remarried shortly after. A close friend of both my aunt & uncle lost her husband right around the same time and she had a couple kids. They talked after my aunt's death and has much in common and were good friends. They got married for companionship. He was afraid to tell us about it (what would we think!) and my cousin let it slip one day while we were talking on the phone. We were talking on the phone. She was raised in Texas so she has quite a drawl. I hadnt' talked to her in some time and asked how her dad was and what's new. "Well, we-all got married down here". And jokingly I said "You and your dad?" and she goes uh, yeah. It hit her then that she let it slip and she told me the story. I was so happy for all of them. The sad part though was to come. Not long after they were planning a trip up and called and asked me if I thought my dad would want to see them. He was downright scared that dad would think poorly of him. I said heck yeah, he asks about you all the time. So they had the trip planned out, would stop in the area for a day or two (or whatever they felt comfortable with staying) and the night before they were to leave, my uncle told his wife he was a little tired so he was going to take a nap. Nothing unusual there, but he never woke up. Had a heart attack and died. Shock isn't the word, he was in excellent health, no heart issues, just one of those things. (Stress perhaps?) I was glad that he had the companionship and "reward" so to speak for the tough years. He had some real happiness at the end. Wish I could have seen him - great guy, but I digress.

Life's short. Life's unfair. Appreciate the good things and as long as you know it's right do it and enjoy it.

I've babbled on enough. Relax my dear. Enjoy some good things happening. There's no disrespect or dishonor here. My best to Dok! Wishing nothing but happiness, joy, good times and fond memories to all of you.

Dottie, It's like being a mom. When you have that first child you don't think you could possibly love another child nearly as much as that first one. Then you have another child and realize that the heart just grows bigger. You loved your DIL and will always have a place for her in your heart but your heart will just get a little bigger and love another. No need for guilt, just joy.

Dottie

My mother died in 1954 of cancer when we four kids were aged 11 to 18. My father, who had married late in life, had loved her dearly and told us there would never be anyone else. So many of his friends invited him over for dinner, and there would be an unmarried sister at the table. He got so that he avoided invitations as they always seemed to be some kind of awkward set up.

We kids were lively and kept house and did well in school. But our father remained alone by choice and grew quite lonely. We were so caught up in all our work and living that we did not see his loneliness. As I look back, it must have been so very lonely for him.

I think this is all for the best, Dotmom. A man who has had a loving marriage will look for love again, and sometimes it finds him before he may be ready. This relationship may be the answer to a happy life for your son and for you too and be a blessing in your lives.

If this were my son, I'd thank God every day for sending a woman he could love, and I'd be so grateful to her for making him happy that I would love her tremendously. You're not be unfaithful or disloyal to anybody. She's gone and he has a second chance for happiness!!! Embrace both of them!! Thank God for sending such a blessing.

I forgot to mention how lucky you are to have had such a wonderful relationship with your DIL. Hope you have another one. It will be different but I hope it's as wonderful in a different way.

we've been thru this twice with fil...he remarried not even a year after mil passed...it was very hard on dh but as his aunt pointed out, it was his life and he was lonely so with reservations we accepted the new lady in his life...about 10 years into the marriage, the lady passed...now he has another lady in his life (at 87) i'm really glad they have each other at this juncture..she's had a stroke and has a difficult time with short term memory...and he's having some major health problems...so they sort of muddle along together, keeping each other out of dreaded nursing homes...

having 2 dils and 2 sils, i really don't know what my feelings would be, but i'd be more concerned with the welfare of my grands first and foremost..of course my oldest is only 11...

maybe you could talk to your ds and explain you're delighted he's happy again but could you be given just bit more time to get to know her? i bet the new friend is just as apprehensive about stepping into the established family circle..

Hi Dot - more or less Mom to all the world,

Some years ago a young man in our small rural village was run over by his road grader - some said that he was the best grader man in the county.

They had I think that it was three small children.

Within a few months his wife became friendly with a man of approximately her age, I think.

Some of the village ladies made some comments about her becoming interested in someone else when her husband was scarcely cold in his grave.

I said, but, yes, she has a heavy burden to carry ... and it says quite a lot for the respect and affection that she had for her busband and her earlier relationship, when she was willing to become friends with another man, before too long a time.

May I add just one thought in addition.

I hope that your son isn't jumping into too intense a relationship too early ... on the rebound, so to speak. It'll be a good idea to let a relationship grow slowly, to mature over time, I think.

(Except for what Ron said - sometimes our heart tells us things, early on).

Good wishes to you and Doc, and the lady in question.

ole joyful

P.S. Sue and I were together for 11 years ... two youngies (that were 6 and 9 when she left) ...

... and we were apart for about 35 years, until her death almost five years ago.

Several have said that I should get on with my life ...

... but I have never ventured into a loving relationship.

When asked the reason, I've sometimes said that, once having been run over by a truck ... when one hears truck wheels coming doewn the road, one begins to shake.

A bit of cowardice there, possibly?

ole joyful

I think it's great and I'm glad you have the KT to come too...blessings to you all...

I'm another to say, there is no disrespect to DFN in opening your heart to the new lady. You have so much love in your heart, Dottie. You raised Doc the same way. I think it's a tribute to DFN, and, in a way, to you, that Doc can open HIS heart to someone new. And, who knows? Maybe DFN put this new lady in front of Doc, saying, "I don't want you alone. I know this is someone you can love and who can love you." I beleive.

I'll also add to the stories. DH has a cousin who lost his wife 3 years this month to cancer. In grief counsiling, he met a lady who had lost her husband. Just shy of 2 years of loosing his wife, they were married. She is wonderful, and great for him. We love her, and have only met her twice! Once about 9 months before the wedding, knowing only that she was a friend, and at the wedding.

And a friend who lost his wife about 2 years ago, got married again last month. And I know the 1st wife would approve of her, also.

God has plans for Doc. HE knows the love and care Doc had for DFN, and is rewarding Doc now.

Be easy in your heart, my friend.

Tami

Your DDIL would be so happy that your son has found happiness. There is enough room in your heart to love both women. My mom died 12 years ago, and some of my dad's family is STILL weird about him dating...and have never accepted perfectly nice women who made him happy. My sisters and I were fine with the whole thing...but his family were the ones that had a problem with it. I think it has caused alot of strain on their relationships. My dad was young when she died (40)...there is no way I would want him to spend the rest of his life alone.