Gosh, you guys are the best. I'm sitting here reading your kind, thoughtful, heartwarming words with tears running down my face.

Hubby's in bed (he's so tired and goes to bed early). I work evenings, which makes it doubly hard, and I'm taking a few days off (since Thurs when he got home) to figure out what kind of routine it will be. I can work shortened hours, and I will be. I work from home, but it's not typing on a computer, it's calling people (yeah, that might be dreaded me calling you) for opinions on different topics.....everything from the legalization of marijuana to your work union. The point is, I'm literally tied up, during my shift. I'm going to see if we can get someone to come in to help put him to bed so that I can keep working.

We've been living here for a number of years, a 3-bdrm apt that's affordable. 2 of the bedrooms are turned into offices (and storage) as we both work(ed) (hubby won't be able to until he gets a whole lot of strength back for continuous talking) for the same company doing the same thing. In the past couple of years rents have skyrocketed, out of our range.

Hubby's been in 3 different hospitals since July. They sent him for re-hab out of our local hospital to a neighbouring city as they had an opening. The care was horrific and I was after them all the time to get him back to our city and hospital. Anyway, we had a "meeting" with the local community care person, and a social worker. All they had to say was that he was going to be discharged on such a date, 'but he can't go home because he can't do the stairs'. They literally gave up on him and were going to throw him out on the streets. No care nor compassion at all. No suggestion what to do or anything. That's when the stress started.

I called our oncologist, tore a strip of the charge nurse and anyone else I could do get him transferred back here. We did come back to a re-hab center here which is miles and miles better than where he was. They took time with him and did re-hab.

I spoke to the social worker there and she got me info and paperwork for housing to get him into a place with an elevator. With a doctor's recommendation, we've applied for a 2-bdrm at least. Normally couples just get a 1-bdrm which is out of the question. I don't want that route, but we really have no choice. I just hope and pray I don't get into a flea-bitten, drug-riddled skuzzy area.

They were also the ones who mentioned the patient transfer services, which is more than the other hospital did. It's not perfect by any means.........such as in case of fire, as a couple of you had mentioned.

We have free use of the equipment for a time to make sure that it all works for hubby and it's what we need. So far, we need everything. If anyone has any other ideas that might work, or that we might look at, feel free to mention it. We made sure we got a sliding board so that he can slide from the wheelchair to wherever he's going.

When it comes time to buy, there is a program that will help with 75% of the cost of the mobility equipment. The bathroom stuff we buy ourselves.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here.

I will look into the care-givers forum, thanks!

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. You are so brave and devoted. Please don't wear yourself out too much. This is a long haul so you have to pace yourself. I am glad to hear you have good social services to help you. Take everything they offer and conserve your energy. Best wishes. Please keep us posted. Praying for you both.

Wow, Jasdip, you and your husband have been through a lot. I'm so sorry it's been so hard. Fingers crossed that a new apartment comes up soon. Hang in there!

Jasdip I am sorry I had not noticed your Canadian Flag so Hospice may not be available to you but check with the social worker that gave you the forms for the apartment to see if something similar is available to you.

Hugs, Jasdip. I have no unique advice, everyone else already said what I wanted to say. Please just know that we are pulling for you!

Sherry, I am so sorry to hear about your husband and I know from many times caring for a loved one at home is very difficult and frustrating. Please access every available service you can get. CCAC paid for my sister's ambulance and transfer services. They also got my sister a hospital bed that we set up in my living room. As long as my sister was under CCAC care they paid for all the equipment. Hospice even came in and helped out even though Marjorie wasn't consdered pallative at the time. They even allowed a nurse that would sit with my sister at night so I could get some sleep. I know there are some people that don't get the proper care they need from CCAC, I don't know how my sister became one of the lucky ones. When you access all the care though your life becomes invaded with Dr's and nurses and PSWs coming to your home all throughout the day and it is tiring at times both for the caregiver and the patient but I was grateful to have the help. EMTs were also very helpful. They said to call them anytime using the non emergency number and if my sister needed to be lifted or if she fell they came right away to help get her off the floor since I had hurt my back trying to do it myself. One day at a time, don't hurt yourself and I hope you get all the care and help you need for yourself and your husband so that he remains comfortable and pain free

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom to offer you. Just know that you and your husband are in my thoughts. I hope you are able to get the help you both need and deserve.

So sorry you and your husband are going through this. Sending prayers your way.

Oh Jasdip, So sorry you 2 are going thru this. Sending prayers and hugs.

Since you are in Canada, I know things are different there, but here in the states organizations such as American Legion, VFW, Senior Centers and others offer on loan walkers, shower chairs, etc.

Also there are available in our county senior services such as respite care. Someone came in once a week to stay with my neighbors DH, so I could take her out shopping or to play cards at the Senior Center.

Also if your DH is a veteran (at least here in the states) they were able to get someone from the VA to come in for 3 hours, 5 days a week to shower him, get him dressed, change the bedding and do the wash and other simple house chores. It was a blessing for them.

Plus there is Meals on Wheels, which may be available to you! Delivered at a low cost to you if you qualify from the county.

We'll all be thinking and praying for both of you!

Sorry to hear you both are dealing with this and I sure hope you get some sort of help. Also, I hope the housing situation works out. Praying for you and your husband.

Jasdip, no wonder you are overwhelmed and depressed. I would be too. Having to pay $120 to take DH out and another $120 to bring him back in is ludicrous. Further more he needs the best complete medical care and having to choose appointments that are considered critical or most important is unfair and not to his or your benefit. You deserve more than that and the fact they were going to put him out into the street is upsetting. I hope and pray someone can direct you where to find the assistance you and DH require and deserve. There must be agencies that can help you during this time.

((((jasdip)))) (((husband)))

Wish you were closer so we could help.

ambulance service helped my sis when her dh needed care.

I am so sorry and hope you will somehow get all the help you need. Your husband must feel terrible being so dependent, and that he is not being able to go outside to enjoy the sunshine is breaking my heart.

Jasdip, I am so sorry you are having to navigate so much to get the help you need. You definitely need assistance in caring for your husband and even help in how to safely assist him in taking a shower and getting him to bed. It is very stressful for you to do any of the things you describe without some basic training in how to do them. And then to maneuver the steps to your apartment and pay to get Mr J in and out!

I hope you can find a social services agency through your hospital or physician or whoever arranged all the current services for you. They should have arranged for more, just my opinion.

My best thoughts to you. ((jasdip)) and ((mr. jas)).

I have so much empathy for you, as I just went through the same diagnosis, trials and tribulations as you are now after my husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. After living for 10 years with this terrible disease he passed away the end of February 2018. I was primary caregiver for him, including everything up to and including showering/bathing and diapering! I now realize that it would have been so much more beneficial if he had gone into hospice as it would have meant better medical and non-medical services for him and more quality time for us as a couple. As I reflect back on the last year we had at home, I regret not taking this advice that I was given by someone who had also gone down the same path.

Peaceful thoughts to you both.

I too have traveled down this path and it is not an easy one. I hope that you are able to get everything you need to make this journey less difficult for both of you. Blessings

I am so very sorry you are going through this. You have been offered good advice above on seeking out help and resources. There must be some in home help available for you.

I went though a similar, but not quite so bad experience since she was somewhat ambulatory, with my DMIL. In hindsight we should have placed her in assisted living sooner rather than later. Since her condition was not terminal hospice was not an option. What Justlinda said above about quality time is so true. You can be a much better wife and soulmate if you are not his nurse. His quality of life and peace of mind can be also improved by not having to see you struggle daily with his care.

Oh, Jasdip, I am so sorry you two are going through this.

Jasdip, I hate to hear of anyone else going through this ordeal. I have no idea where you live, your ages or other pertinent info BUT there has to be a social worker or the like at the hospital your husband just left. They should have informed you of all assistance available. I sincerely hope there are more resources than it seems from your post. I went through this with my husband for years; he passed away a year ago.

You do have a BIG load. You need an advocate to come in and 'jaw bone' for you, by that, I mean a person who is familiar with resources for the handicapped and is good at locating those sources. I am troubled by your stairway situation. $120 per one-way trip up or down those stairs is too much. An advocate could look into zoning codes that pertain to handicap access. Many states have requirements for public places; I don't know about housing rentals. Options are install a chair lift on the stairs (with battery backup), install an elevator. or offer you a ground floor unit. This issue will drain you financially, physically, and emotionally. Fire codes may require that hubby should be able to exit the premises within a given time period. In some places, pressuring the landlord could bring an eviction.

If you can do it, your best option may be to move to unit suitable for your needs (and I suppose that is the last thing you would want to do right now).

geez Jas.....send me an email...anytime...you know the address.

call the Red Cross in "your area & your area code "

Opens 8:30 a.m.

Province: Ontario

Phone: 650-9603

The Salvation Army Community Church --

75 Tillsley Dr · 745-3351 again-your town & area code

The Red Cross "should" have an equipment center to LEND out any and everything that you

will need....there is no need to put any money out.

Do what Anne suggests.......there ARE ppl and places that can help you.

Contact your local churches.....

Send in all the receipts for ambulances,transfers-- all of that cost to where his monthly $$ comes from-it IS covered

If you would like,I can do some calling from here anytime...just send me that email....keep

in touch. "R"

(((((((jasdip & hubby))))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I'm so sorry for this situation and for his health problems and for the many challenges you both face.

I am so sorry to read this. Overwhelming for sure. Glad to see that you have already applied for the housing with elevator and such. I think most of us are not savvy with this situation especially out of the US but it looks like Ont_gal has offered some good info and great assistance. You have already taken some good steps- I am sure you will continue. We are here for you.

(((((((HUGS)))))). I'm sorry you are having to face this. Please for both your DH and you, seek out all the assistance you can. The quality of the time you spend together is the most important thing. If the situation qualifies for hospice, by all means, utilize it sooner than later. Here in the states, hospice can be involved for many, many months and can help you navigate many of the other resources available to aid in caring for him. Please know that you can come to the KT anytime and we will support you all we can.

Oh, dear, Jasdip. I have been though a lot of this. It is hard, you need help from time to time if you can get it. I don't know if anyone said how to keep the water off the floor with the transfer bench or not. This is what they told me, get an inexpensive shower liner, and cut two slits to fit over the bench, arranging so the water will drain into the shower or tub. I did not have to do this as my husband refused to use it. We went with the bath seat. Lots of hugs and prayers to you.

Sue

Jasdip - I am sorry to read of your situation. You do need an advocate as there are services available to help you. I hope you will accept ont_gal's offer and contact her.

This information may be useful

Just reading this now. I have thought of your hubby many times and wondered how he was doing. I am so, so sorry to hear this. I've read all the posts and must say please re-read Olychick's. It's difficult, I know, but it's very good advice. You must take care of yourself so you can look out for hubby's best interest. I don't know if Canada has Hospice or its equivalent. They do have volunteers that come to the home to give a helping hand. You cannot due all this by yourself. Sending you hugs and prayers and wishing I could do more.

Jadip, you have already gotten much wonderful advice and you're doing so much. You are amazing and your DH is one of the luckiest guys on earth to have you!

I'm so sorry you're both having to deal with this which just seems so all around unfair. The burden is great and anything we can do to help alleviate it, even if it's just being a sounding board, we're here for you.

The best definition of stress I ever saw was that it's the perceived burdens on you are greater than the perceived resources you have to deal with them. I like it because it has to do with our perceptions as well as our reality. So do think about the burdens you have and are there some that you can shed or that you can do less 'perfectly' and still be fine...and think about the resources at hand...are there family, friends, relatives, neighbors, or anyone else that you can call on, even a little bit, while you get your life organized around your new reality.

Sending you lots of strength, courage, patience, wisdom, and calming deep breaths your way.

Thanks again for your advice and support!

Summer, that's the exact resource that originally was discharging him from the hospital and out on the street. (LHIN) They did arrange the equipment to be brought here. Everything except the wheelchair I can use for free to see if it's a fit, and then buy. The wheelchair I was on my own, as it is a requirement. The company I chose, after talking to a number of them, waived the rental, as I'm planning on getting it and other equipment thru them.

The OT is coming today and I'm going to see if she can do required paperwork to get coverage on the equipment through the proper resources.

Boy you just never know, do you? A Friday we were shopping at Costco, and Sun. nite he dropped to the floor getting up from the couch. He couldn't move his legs, and was taken by ambulance to ER. That's when they did ultra-sounds and MRI and found the extra cancer spots.

His left arm is very weak and he's unable to lift it high without a lot of effort. It turns out that his rotator cuff is ripped right through, probably happened in the fall.

I was thinking of you last night while my DH and I were getting ourselves ready for bed without help and knowing what a struggle it is for you right now. Sending hugs to you both.

Jasdip - that is unbelievable. My experience is that they do a home assessment in cases such as yours prior to releasing a patient. I also know you have to be firm with them in regards to what is "acceptable".

Do you have something like this in your area? If not, perhaps they will help you.

I am in Ontario......so please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Equipment

I know each community is different, but our town's senior center has a lending closet and they let residents borrow whatever they need for as long as they need it...we've used the transfer benches, canes, walkers, crutches, wheel chairs, etc. over the years, all at no charge.

If there is a Senior Center near you, they have contacts for all kinds of services, and aid to pay for them. You don't need to be a member of the congregation to talk to a church or temple. Is there a National Cancer Group website? Support groups? I have found that the most useful help from self-help groups, where people are 'in the same boat'.

You will feel better with a Plan! And with Time. Give yourself time, best you can.

Keep talking to us. We're in your corner -- and I can't imagine that there is a time when *somebody* isn't sitting at the KT, day or night.

Oh my! Jasdip, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I must have missed the original post about your dh's fall because I had no idea he was in the hospital(s) all these months. You've been given good advice; I am shocked that you are expected to see to all his care yourself, with no help to speak of. I take it neither of you has relatives to help? If you don't mind my asking, are you afraid to have him live in a facility because of the possibility of lousy care, which he experienced previously? I can understand your fear about finding a new place to live which may not be very nice--I hope that isn't the case in the end. So, how good are you about being a squeaky wheel? I think now is the time, though it's easy for me to say that when I'm not exhausted, as you must be. I hope your dh will get plenty of ot/pt to strengthen his legs even a little. Come here to b and moan anytime you feel like it!

Oh no I have been thinking about him a lot lately and praying for him. Goodness he is having a terribly hard time and it's not sounding good for either of you. It's such a demanding situation and so tiring for everyone involved. And very important to not hurt either of you! It's why we had to put mom in a facility that was equipped to help her and handle her. You are in a bad situation being up so many stairs. If you are considering staying in the home with him you will definitely need to consider moving soon.

I am so sorry he has reached this stage. I Hope he can find a way to be comfortable. And you can find a way to get assistance!

I have nothing more to add to the excellent advice given by everyone. Know you and your DH are in my thoughts daily. I'm sorry this is happening.....please, please, please remember to try and take some time for yourself. You will need to be recharged from all the added stress.

(((((jasdip)))))

I have one of these walkers in the back of his closet, I wish I could get it to you.

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Drive-Medical-Deluxe-Two-Button-Folding-Walker-with-5-Wheels/40877930?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&adid=22222222227029166543&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=49182496832&wl4=pla-99770825792&wl5=9012718&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=40877930&wl13=&veh=sem&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgsbexpro3QIVyp-zCh0rxQbrEAQYAiABEgKSwvD_BwE

It is probably not exactly the same one, but looks and works the same way.

Jasdip, I don't think I have any unique advice to offer either, but wanted you to know that my long distance hugs and thoughts are with you and DH. I hope you find someone soon who can help you and take some of that strain away.

When my dad first had serious dementia problems and I became responsible for him, I learned two very important things: 1) a caregiver is no good if they aren't also being cared for (there are often support groups for this, if you can get some time), and 2) when you need help from some type of organization, call whoever you can find and talk to them. You may call one that has no ability to help you, but I was surprised at how often one phone call for assistance led to a referral to another place that either could help or point in another direction.

Jasdip, I don't post here anymore, but we know one another from the cooking forum so I can't help myself - I do care about you. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband's cancer has spread into his spine, and so sorry to hear of all the issues you're having together. I hope you can find an apartment that's more accessible and nice...

Those shower chairs aren't perfect, but it's much better than not having one. I've use one myself when I lost the use of my legs (now regained, thankfully) and had limited upper limb function. If things get wet, then they get wet. Atransfer board would be helpful as well - they don't look like much, but if someone could show you how to use it (a Physical Therapist would) it'd help so much. You don't need much arm strength to slide from a wheelchair to a bed, car seat, or chair (so long at the height is close). Your husband does need a good wheelchair cushion for stability. Wish I hadn't gotten rid of mine, I had Roho's and they are pretty much the best, but pricey. Sure wish I had them to mail to you.

Amazon.com: Wooden Sliding Transfer Board for Medical Patient and Handicap, DMI · More Info

I understand you're discouraged, depressed, and feeling quite overwhelmed. I found forums to be a negative and positive at times. I mostly stayed away as there was a lot of negativity back when I looked through them. Just being able to talk with someone helps, as does venting, and laughter... which can be hard, but sometimes you just have to laugh at things (beats crying, although that's a necessity at times too). When I took care of my folks I was on my own and also limited, but somehow we make it through. I know you'll hear this a lot: Make time for yourself. I didn't. I should have. That was the only mistake I made. Whether it's a cup of coffee on your balcony, or reading a book for a moment, or a puzzle game, or just relaxing for a bit in a restaurant as you run errands, please take care of yourself. It helps mentally and physically. And ask for help. Hard to do, but you will get to that point very soon. You and your husband are in my thoughts. Hold tight, and treasure the better days you have with him : )

Jazzy, I am so sorry to hear of this and wish I could do something to help you and Mr. Jasdip. You are such a special person and a friend. Please know that I'm thinking about you and sending thoughts of love and strength your way.

I'm so sorry you are having all these problems. I pray that both of you get just the right care. God bless you.

Jasdip, Your husband being sick and being so weak is a terrible blow for both of you. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

One thing that has not been mentioned and there may be no equivalent for cancer caregivers but when I went to the Alzheimer caregiver group it helped. You may have to try several to find one that you are comfortable in. Other people can give hints that sometime professionals are not aware of.

So very sorry to read this, Jasdip. I have no advice, but want you to know you are in my thoughts and hoping you can find some manageable solutions to make life easier for you and your husband.

I have nothing new to say but just want to let you know that I was thinking about y'all this morning and hoping that you are finding some help in managing the stair situation.

Wow. I would be overwhelmed too. I can offer no advice, but not even knowing you, I'd love to be able to help...even if it's just an ear to listen with or a shoulder to cry on. I'm so sorry. I truly can't imagine.

btw, are there any foundations or organizations in Canada that you can get some help from? Here in the states, I found numerous organizations a while back when my sister was diagnosed. Even found one that came into the home and gave free massages to the patient AND the care giver!!

(((((((((((((((((Hugs & Prayers))))))))))))))))))

Jasdip, I found these two organizations in Canada. I don’t know if either would be helpful but...

http://www.cancer.ca/en/support-and-services/support-services/financial-help-on/?region=on

http://www.bccancer.bc.ca/coping-and-support-site/Documents/Financial%20Info%20booklet.pdf