I know you are not yet married or living together, but just to give you a heads-up, there are some step-parents who have been married to their spouse for years and they still feel this way, “I feel like I’m the 3rd wheel and invisible.” It used to be that step-parents, step-mothers in particular, were expected to suck it up and take it, take the high road, pack it in and so on, whenever the SKs came around. SM was supposed to cook and clean and wipe bloody noses for everyone, and suck it all in while dad, with his children by his side, took over the home and relegated his wife (SM) or partner to servant/ on call status. If SM ever dared to complain about her lack of rights on neutral or her own turf, the accusations of jealously from dad and others could be heard all around the neighborhood and back. Most SMs would then back down, with words much harsher than, “you’re always mad about something,” ringing in their ears.

Now, we go through the Civil Rights Movement, Equal Rights Movement, and so on. And, what do most people now think in the year 2018? They think pretty much the same thing. All those movements and more happened, but as far as most people are concerned, none of them included step-mothers. They think that SMs are supposed to still suck it up and shut up. They still think that SMs are supposed to settle for being treated like children by their own partners, husbands, bio-mom, in-laws and step-kids. They are treated as and thought of as sloppy-seconds all the way.

This thought is so prevalent even today, that a SM can be married to her husband for 10+ years, and be married to her husband for longer than bio-mom was, and yet, when SM goes to her SD’s wedding, without any permission from SM or her husband (dad) whatsoever, the entire ceremony can be set up with nods from clergy, wedding planners, relatives, and so on, that SM does not and never did exist. They’ll all get together and plan for bio-mom and bio-dad to walk down the aisle, hand in hand, for instance, even though bio-dad’s permission was never asked, much less SM's. That’s right, even though it is a wedding celebrating marriage, pretty much all will see your marriage to your husband as meaningless, because the term SM is attached to it. Happened to me.

So, yep!, if you are a SM, you can be married to your husband for ten years, have a great marriage, think of you and your husband as solid man and wife, get married in a church, etc. AND, STILL, someone can come along and use your husband however they want and hook him up however they want without permission from either you or your husband!! And, this is all sanctified in the year 2018!! So, you may not be that far down the line with this man yet. But, he is already setting you up for failure. He is treating his child like a wife and he is treating you (his partner) like a child. It has nothing to do with jealousy, or very little. It has to do with you instinctively knowing that this is wrong, and it is wrong. Children need all the love in the world, but they are not wives and they are not partners.

It is possible for you and a man with children from a previous relationship to get along great and have a future together. BUT, the #1 thing you need is a strong partner or husband who knows how to set boundaries for everyone—his children, his ex-, and so on. You need a man who knows and has no problem with treating children like children and his partner like a partner. Right now, I can tell you, this guy doesn’t sound like he fits the bill. You could try standing up to him, but I have my doubts. There are just too many people out there still who think that a SM’s job is to do nothing other than suck it up and take it whenever anyone from the initial family is around. If you don’t like it now, when you are just a visiting GF, you sure as H- won’t like it once you move in, OR once you are married.