New step parent
HU-24223191
5 years ago
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sushipup1
5 years agolast modified: 5 years agoRelated Discussions
Hello - my first post, just need reassurance!
Comments (65)I read through the OP & some of the posts, but stopped at this one & had to respond before I continue on with reading the rest of the posts. (so forgive me if I missed something that was posted after this) "Why can't you respect someone who works 2 jobs (see your first post)? What is not to respect about that? Did anyone notice this comment????" I noticed it. My first thought was "at least she's working". I've also had similar difficulty with my own feelings/judgments, etc regarding my SD12's BM. She is 38 and has never worked a real job. She was lucky enough to get a minimum wage office job, instead of fast food... but a real job that gave her some good responsibility, but she screwed that up by stealing from her boss & ended up being convicted of embezzelment. Now, at 38+, how is she ever going to work & support herself? I stuggle with judging her for that because I have worked since I was 14 and often worked 2 jobs to support my kids... she sits on her backside all day, thinking of ways to get others to take care of her. Our values & lifestyles are such a stark contrast to each other, I cannot relate to her at all. It's much easier to judge & criticize her than to try & understand something I can't begin to comprehend. Just as I can't understand her relationship (or lack thereof) with her kids... I loved kids, I wanted kids & when I had my kids, I live for them... there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. I can't count the sleepless nights, how many miles I've driven to do things for them, everything I've gone without so they can have. So, I don't get someone that lets her child run around in the cold with shorts & no shoes. I don't get someone that relies on others to be taken care of when I know eventually, those people will be gone. and what bothers me most, which really ISN'T my problem, is that she is modeling her "everyone should take care of me" lifestyle to her daughter... and if falls back on me & DH. I wonder what it will be like when SD is 25 & has kids... can't keep a relationship together (like her mom) and comes back to us for help. She won't go to her mom because her mom is already nearly 40 and can't even get a minimum wage job because she's a convicted thief. I guess in a way, my opinion or judgment of BM could be seen that I think I'm better than her... and there is some truth to it. I am proud that I supported my kids, raised my kids, and would do anything for my kids. If I were a BM that wouldn't work, fought supporting my kids, let someone else raise my kids & made excuses every time my kids needed something or wanted me to come to one of their things... then I would feel like a loser. But, that comes from MY perspective from the parent that I am. I can't understand what someone else feels when they do things so differently. There is no shame in manual labor at any age. There is no shame in an honest day's work at any age. I can only imagine that someone "at her age" chooses to be a waitress because she may enjoy the interaction with customers... she may be a bus driver because she enjoys being around kids & likes the schedule. It's not always about the money or prestige. My aunt started a landscaping company at age 55 when she divorced her husband. It's something I would never do but she enjoys it. I gave up a secure office job with benefits to have the freedom of self employment but sometimes, when the phones don't ring for days & the bank account starts dwindling... and I don't have my bi weekly paycheck to count on, it's scary but I love what I do so it's worth it to me. I try to understand SD's BM... not working, etc. I imagine she enjoys each day, sleeping in & playing games on her computer all day without a worry in the world. I couldn't do it, but I am getting better at seeing another perspective....See MoreNeed insight on a controlling 7 y/o step-daughter and parents
Comments (4)Hey! ... So your situation sounds like my life 100%. Im not sure how you can find my posts but one of them is POWER STRUGGLE WITH STEP-DAUGHTER. I have the same situation minus the parents. I am lucky enough that the parents respect me and realise the BM is a sad excuse for a parent. Before I say anything I just wanted to say that it may be a really bad sign that his parents are acting the way they are... because bascially they are telling you by not allowing you over that they do not respect you, your opinions, your relationship with your bf... and I am assuming you have said or did something or voiced opinions and they disagree... What I did after I joined this forum, with the help of the posters on here is I literally removed myself from the situation... The child is 7 just like you, and she runs the show just likes yours. Now basically what I did with my fiance is sit down and say listen, I had divorced parents and my dad was strict and my mom was a push over... I explained to him that for his daughter's sake he needed to teach her discipline and give her rules and guidelines. In the beginning he thought I was a complete jerk so I stayed quiet.. Then things started unfolding on their own. She acted out at a fam BBQ and made him look like a fool, she almost drowned at a cottage we rented because he cant get control of her, she physcially hurt my god daugher (who is 3 btw), she ruined a weekend trip away because she started crying again in the middle of a show because the attn wasnt all on her, and his own MOTHER will not take her anywhere anymore because she is out of control and drove her absolutely insane on a weekend trip... these are just some of the things and this was what i can remember all in a 1-2 month span...And we have her every OTHER weekend. Bascially then, he came to me and said listen I really dono what to do. I am so lost. And my response was well I'm not an expert but I can see what you can't because I am not the parent and she is SCREAMING for some guidelines and rules. I told him straight up if you do not get her under control and respecting you then when she is a teen I feel extremely sorry for you and her. As you said she adores me too. But I have had some things happen to my in the last little while as well.. One of my posts was about a day that she was being bullied at daycare so I kept her at home that day before she went back to BM and she did not listen to a single word that came out of my mouth the entire day. She has ZERO respect for elders, and MINUS respect for her father and in turn me. So now the rule is I do not take her anywhere without him. And he is giving the discipline... I like you, am trying to help him and her... but as the posters on here will never fail to remind you,.... your not the mom, you have no say. When this child's BM doesnt care for her in appropriate ways, I can't do anything about it. So now I just let him handle everything. When his BM freaks out and calls and acts like a 2 yr old. I just leave the room and let it go on. Because as much as you want to lose your mind on him, her whatever just remember NONE of this is your problem. Enjoy him, and YOUR relationship. And enjoy the little one when shes around, help her with her homework, cook together do fun stuff. But if he doesn't discipline her and she drives you nuts... guess what, shes NOT yours so you have the choice that you can leave. It really doesn't sound like the situation will change if he doesn't think there is a problem. And him constantly tellin you she is # 1 is telling you that whatever YOU have to say means F*%& all and you may as well give up saying anything. He is not listening. He is listening however to what his parents say (who seem to be quacks) by the way. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about the situation. Forget about the daughter for a moment and his family and really think about what exactly it is that you two have together... Is there even anything there? do you even do anything together or have fun or is it all based on HIS parents HIS kid and HIS problems with HIS BM. Just remember at the end of the day if he doesnt respect your opinions that what exactly do you have together? The best of luck, Dont forget to update us here lol I always wonder whats happening in the poster's lives after they post and get responses haha!...See MoreNew Step Parent and Sibling
Comments (10)Sweeby and the others said it very well. As a MOM, I completely understand that innate desire to protect your own. My DD7 came home from school last week all sad because her "best friend" wasn't her best friend anymore. She said her friend would not let her play with her and a group of other girls at recess. AUUGHHH. It broke my heart. :( Today, however, everything is all a-ok again. So--your situation is obviously more serious and your DS is dealing with some very real and serious issues; I'm not trying to compare what he's going through to playground spats. I just meant I understand that "mama bear" instinct. The first thought I had is that this has all been very fast for your son. You and dad have been divorced for less than a year? And dad is already remarried? That's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone a 7 yr old. Is he in any counseling? I think a sit-down with dad is definitely in order. Honestly, your son would be strange if he DIDN'T have any feelings/issues about all that's happened and all that's changed. But I would also urge you to take it slow and wait and see how things unfold. The version you are getting from your son may not be accurate. Sure, it may be how HE perceives things to be, but kids' perception is often skewed, particularly when they are working through emotional issues. My SS is 7 and my DD is also 7. We've been together since they were not even 2, and lived together since they were 4ish. But even NOW, after all this time, SS will go to his BM's house and say one thing. It's usually some unjust he feels---ie, Dad sent him to time-out and not DD, or DD didn't have to eat all her veggies, and he did. ETC. While there is usually a GRAIN of truth in what he says, he often, as kids do, will neglect to tell the whole story. DD didn't have to finish her carrots because she ate her whole first helping and asked for seconds. Dad told SS and DD to stop doing ________ and DD listened. SS continued to do whatever it was and THAT'S why he went to time-out. ETC. I would proceed slowly and speak with your DH about what your son's been saying. Always keep a CLEAR line of communication with your ex and make sure your son knows that you two will talk regularly and freely. The more open you are with each other, the less likely it is that your son will manipulate the situation. I'm not saying for sure that's what's going on here....but it could be....See MoreStep Parent Adoption - Should I change last Name?
Comments (12)Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done. I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. This way their step father will be able to continue to raise them and if for some he feels that he can not handle this responsibility, then I would like the children to be raised by my brother and his wife and it would be step dads decision, not the courts. Secondly, the research that I found states that little girls raised without a father influence, have a ten times greater chance of turning to a life of drugs and/or prostitution. And little boy turn to drugs and crime. Thirdly, if DH and I get a divorce, I would like the children to continue a relationship with him. My DH oldest son  a question of paternity arose when the child was only three, however, paternity was never legally challenged or determined and his name is on the birth certificate. However, his ex-wife used it as a weapon, every time he tried to divorce her. He waited until the child was twelve and could tell the courts that he wanted to live with his father and called her bluff. Needless to say he lives with us. I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody  I run the risk of loosing  Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father. Back to the name change issue  My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point  the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name. As for RosieL response  As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her name I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school. Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them. As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ...  The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name. As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too. She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name. I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject....See Morecolleenoz
5 years agoSuzieque
5 years agoSuzieque
5 years agoAriel Anderson
5 years agolast modified: 5 years ago
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