Other points from the article -- which was not biased against moms.

1. Second marriages are less stable than first ones--with a break-up rate of 60 percent, versus 50 percent for first marriages
2. 80 percent of children of divorce and remarriage do not have behavior problems, despite the expectations and challenges, compared to 90 percent of children of first marriage families
3. 14 percent of children in stepfamilies live with their biological father, 86 percent live with their biological mother and their stepfather.
4. Dym suggests that stepmothers might do better modeling themselves after a favorite aunt--involved, but not the mother. My favorite aunt provides acceptance, guidance, honesty, but the obligation on either side is voluntary.

I didn't realize the article even specified whether it was basing the info on mom's or dad's. I thought it was just a general overview of step family situations in general. Was there another link that I missed that was unfairly biased towards biomom's? If I'd had seen it I would not of posted the article.

Also the statistic about marriages in general is bleek. 50% isn't a whole lot better than 60%. With only a 10% difference in shelf life I don't think any spouses, 1st or 2nd, have alot of bragging rights. That's so sad. What's the point in even getting married at all anymore these days? I'm just glad J and I are still doing so good.

so there was more stuff in that article? why am I not surprised....

Not in that specific article Finedreams but there was a good number of links. What I posted was a stand alone article for Pschology Today magazine based on a study they did.

Why does it bother so many people that the step family situation may not be AS bleak as it is made out to be? Would that not be a GOOD thing? I mean considering alot of our children are living step lives why is it such a bad thing that maybe not all kids in step families are miserable? I thought this was a real positive study that for ONCE showed some signs of good in the blended family arena. It seems to really piss off some peole that there are step families out there that thrive happily. How sad for you to be so negative:(

I don't think anyone was trying to attack or show bias against mom's. I think the point is trying to be made that second marriages and step families are not 'doomed' like some people suggest. I think it's great to hear positive things about step families.

I would also agree that new second marriages are less stable than first ones... because there are ex's, step children and sometimes money issues to adjust to. In a first marriage, those issues don't exist. However, I would agree that five years into a second marriage, it's likely to be stronger than a first marriage because: In a second marriage, the partners are older, more mature and have life experience they may not have had the first time. In a second marriage, the partners have (hopefully) learned from mistakes made in the first marriage and may handle things better/differently the second time around. In a second marriage, the partners may have a better understanding of their life goals than they did when they got married the first time. Their priorities may not be the same. So, if a second marriage gets beyond the issues and adjustments that lead to such a high failure rate, I believe THOSE marriages can be stronger and happier than a first marriage. Of course, I also believe that if those problems are not dealt with, but ignored, glossed over etc. that even if the marriage makes it 20 years, it probably won't be any happier than the first marriage. I believe the key to success in any marriage, be it first, second, third or fourth... is to communicate and face the problems and work together to find solutions that work. It takes input from both husband and wife to do that... it takes two to stay together but it only takes one to break it up because if one isn't willing to work at it, one cannot do it alone.

and my marriage is my first. My husband was married years ago so this is my first, his second. We both have children from previous relationships. My opinions/beliefs are based on past relationships but also courses I have taken in marriage & family, observing other's marriages & relationships, parenting classes, and much is from long discussions I used to have with my stepmother, who was a marriage & family therapist. It's only MY opinion.

Doodle, I read the 10page article, and the points I listed were all cut and pasted from the article in PT were there -- not references.

People leave first marriages for a number of reasons, not just lack of maturity when first married.

Oh I'm not arguing your maturity point KKNY. There are alot more reasons for sure. When I cut and pasted this what I pasted was all that was on that page. I didn't intentionally leave out any info.

I will say what you posted seems to be alot more negative than the article I'm talking about. Are you positive it wasn't another article from the same Magazine? I pulled this one from a list of archived articles....I'm sure there was multiple divorce related studies. This one went deeper into the step family and not just within the first year. It was greatly based on step families that had survived at least five years or more.

Jonathan says all the time he is alot happier in this marriage. He has a ton of reasons. For one I am ton's easier as a person to get along with naturally. Our personalities are much better suited to each other. There is no addiction or mental illness drama. I am a much more positive person. He has grown alot personally and is a better partner now than her would of been five years ago. He didn't marry me because I got pregnant. Our families get along much better than his and her family did. We share similiar beliefs and interests in alot of arena's. ETC. ETC. ETC.

I think some people are simply more compatible with each other. It's nothing personal just plain ole' physics and rules of attraction. It's Einsteins Theory of Relativity is what it is. If the connection is there it's going to work be it 1st, 2nd or 3rd marriage. I think based on the statistics a whole lot of people endure failed marriages. I don't think it should be a contest over which wives suck the most....hahahaha.

We should be supportive since most of us KNOW first hand what divorce feels like. We should be HAPPY to see m,arriages going well for others not be bitter that it is a first or second marriage making the grade.

kkny, if you were to get married again, my guess is that you would be much happier with your second spouse than your first. The reason is simply because you have probably learned a lot in going through the first marriage, as wonderful as it may have been. Those life experiences (and life experience in general) would probably lead you to make more thought out choices. (Even the choice to stay single is probably based on more thought and you are probably happier for it as opposed to someone that does stay single because they are afraid to get hurt again) I believe you have said you choose to stay single because you don't want to bring a man into your teenage daughter's life. That is different than someone that is lonely or miserable but doesn't date because they don't want to be rejected or hurt, yet they feel incomplete without a partner.

Doodle, on this board, every SM is superior to first wife. I know my Xs SO is a lot better looking than I am.

What makes you say that? I've been reading this board for a couple of years now and have not seen this at all.

Your X's SO might be better looking than you but how does that make her superiour to you?

KKNY - why do you say stuff like that? No one has ever said that "SM is superior to first wife". You are just antagonizing us. I have felt VERY inferior to BM for a very long time. And FSD, FDH and BM have all had a hand in that. Never once did I say I was superior to BM. I do, however, have qualities that she doesn't have and she has qualities I don't have.

Doodle - I agree with you. Sometimes people are just not campatible and sometimes people are. I think that in my case, faith and belief in God had a lot to do with it. I started dating X when I was 16 and a Minister's daughter who was sick and tired of church and God. I knew we had different backgrounds as he was the son of substance abusers (she was abusing anti-depressants and he was an alcoholic) who had never stepped foot in a church a day in their lives. I loved him and I was determined to make it work because I didn't want to admit that maybe my parents were right and it wouldn't work. Then I got pregnant and he proposed. I married him thinking that it would make us a family and we'd finally come together. My child would have both his parents. Well, things just got worse. We would argue and be saying the same thing, but just different ways. It was like we were speaking two different languages. And our families didn't really get along.

But with FDH, we have more similar backgrounds. And even though we have a hefty age-gap between us, we are so much more compatible. Our families are similar so it's natural to deal with his family and vice-a-versa. We understand eachother's perspective better.

But the main thing is that I'm not with him to try to prove something whether it be to my family, his family, a child or even God. I'm with him because I genuinely love him and we don't have to prove that to anyone. We're adults now so we're not trying to show someone we can make it.

Where does it say that? It would be a fair statement to say that my husband thinks I'm an improvement from his first wife (or his daughter's mother)... otherwise, he'd still be with one of them and not me. It has nothing to do with whether or not I'm better looking than they are... although he tells me I am.. what else is he going to say? lol

so sad kk... very disappointed to see that kind of attitude pop up again...

For me my second marriage is heaven sent. Not with out challenges but a blessing to me, my husband and our children. My X is in his third marriage and they seem very happy together. They do not see his children and hardly ever did so they don't have to work that part of things out.

When I was a single mom I used to read or hear of all these statistics about how kids from single parent homes were not expected to do as well in life, get into more trouble and so on. It was insulting to me. I knew how hard I worked to give them a good home and to be there for them. I know mistakes were made but I felt a great prejudice towards single family households. As I mentioned before, my parents stayed married and life was horrible for all of us. It's just what you make it. Family is worth working for. Some people live to make trouble. Some are peace makers. Every situation is different.

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand, no one is actually saying second wives are superior. But on the other hand, I can see where a first wife would feel sensitive to hearing such innocuous sounding phrases like "second marriages are happier" (a very broad generalization which I have to admit I was surprised to read in a psychology article) and to any generalized assumption that the simple passage of time is an indication of a first spouse's automatically improved ability to choose better or even behave better or be more likely to find happiness. And even though perhaps no one on this board intended to make this connection, it's not a far leap to connect the dots: "learn from experience" = "choose better" = "better partner" = "more happiness". Again, I don't think anyone is trying to say literally "second wives are superior to first wives", but it's not at all hard or crazy for a first wife to gather that conclusion from what has been said. It's also hard not to think that when there is a cultural cliche in our society that men "trade up" when they get older, at least in terms of factors like youth and looks, which our culture puts extreme stock in. It makes it a sensitive issue for first wives.

It's the exact same principle as when second wives are justifiably upset to hear generalizations based on these cliches that they are automatically going to be younger, or less "complicated" and more malleable or dumber than first wives, or what I imagine is the most hurtful assumption of all for a second wife: "she's his mid-life crisis".

Any of these generalizations hurt. Any of these generalizations imply that there is a golden formula that ALWAYS indicates a "better" or "worse" choice of marriage partner, depending on which marriage it is. And any of these generalizations can only be generalizations. They simply can't apply to everyone in all situations. Some people learn from experience and some get more desperate; some get more debonair as they age and some go downhill; some get wiser and some go senile; not all men like younger women and some second wives are older than the first wife. Some marriages are happy and some are unhappy whether it's 1st, 2nd, 6th or 12th. First wives feel insecure because they feel like yesterday's news; second wives feel insecure because they aren't the first. One thing is true: nobody (and no marriage) is perfect.

So, I see this both ways, and clearly it's a sensitive question all around.

I would frankly find rather offensive if my X would call his current wife an improvement compare to me. This is a ridiculous statement. How could one even compare? Relationships also depend on financial situation, health condition, other family members, natural disasters, accidents, children, place of living, jobs or lack of it, maturity, age, life experience etc. There is way more to it than: 2nd wife is better than the 1st.

So iamommy if you are an improvement compare to his 1st wife and 2nd live- in GF, if your marriage won't work (hope it will) then will the next woman would be an improvement compare to you?

there is way more to marriage than that.

and talking about looks is even more ridicilous. what is that to do with anything? not every man is that shallow as marrying for looks.

There are plenty of generalizations here re first marriages being because of pregnany or immaturity. PLENTY of comments like that. And I would guess many successful men marry younger attractive women. And when looks fade????

KKNY, one thing you can count on is that your EX's SO will lose her looks one day. Wicked women tend to age badly.

I only hope your EX lives long enough to watch her turn into an ugly OLD hag.

I actually don't see the big deal. The paper states second marriages fail at 60 percent. This would not indicate to me that second marriages have an advantage in anything, much less what the paper says that it does.

Other than the length of time a marriage has survived, but that can be said for a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd marriage as well.

Although I'd argue number 3 in this paper just purely from my own studies. I am interested in seeing the whole ten pages though. Googling now :)

from the same articel as doodle posted. It is 10-page long article.

"In fact, the best way for a new spouse to move into stepparent life, suggests Barry Dym, Ph.D., a family psychologist (and remarried father) in Cambridge, Massachusetts, may be to find a different role than that of stepparent. The term itself may force the relationships into an unrealistic, and even intrusive, parental mold."

"If stepfamilies make it out of the gender trap, there's one more to avoid--the myth of the nuclear family. Successful stepfamilies let go of their fantasy of a traditional family life, reports James Bray. They become more realistic, less romantic, and more flexible about family. They can cope with what life deals. But remarriage often sets up conditions pulling the other way. "There's often a sense of defensiveness," explains Betty Carter. "There's a feeling of 'let's not rock the boat this time. Let's be a happy family immediately so we can prove that this complicated thing--the divorce, the new marriage--was the right move.' People try to achieve an instant family, they don't allow for disgruntlement, fear, anxiety. Now we know it takes about five years for a stepfamily to become fully integrated."

I liked this: let's creat an illusion of a happy family so we can prove to the kids that divorce was the right thing (talking about improvement of A 2ND WIFE COMPARE TO THE 1ST?)

I don't care if my X feels he traded up, got a better deal or whatever.( of course it helps that I wanted the divorce ) I don't think he cares on my side of it either.We know that we don't get a long. We are both happy now. I was not insecure as a 2nd wife the first time and I'm not insecure as a 2nd wife this time around. Many things contribute to the failure or success of a relationship. Mostly it's how we deal with what we're dealt.

"So iamommy if you are an improvement compare to his 1st wife and 2nd live- in GF, if your marriage won't work (hope it will) then will the next woman would be an improvement compare to you?"

If my marriage did fail, I absolutely believe that if he and I were to remarry other people, that we certainly would think that we picked someone better than we did when we picked each other. Can you imagine a guy on his sixth marriage saying to his wife, "oh honey, I love you and our marriage is good, but my marriage with wife #2 was the best and wife #4 could definitely outdo you in the kitchen and wife #1... the bedroom." I'd guess he might soon be looking for wife #7. I agree with what Serenity says, there are many factors, but I doubt any sane person would tell their spouse that a previous spouse was better or that the previous marriage was better. It would be taken as an insult, don't ya think? It's ridiculous to compare because every marriage is different. My husband's first wife was very young (so was he) and she likely wasn't ready to settle down or she had poor character (or both) because she cheated on him. Maybe she's a cheater, maybe she didn't value him enough to not cheat on him. I don't know. I don't know her. He tells me I'm an improvement... I take it with a grain of salt because what else is he going to say? I do know I haven't and never will cheat on him. He tells me I'm prettier. It doesn't matter if I am or not. I have seen one picture of her (their wedding picture) and she's pretty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and again, what else is he going to tell me? I doubt he'd say she's prettier but I got better personality. (and of course looks have nothing to do with a good marriage or being better)

as far as his daughter's mom, well she's made our lives hell for three years. Anyone is an improvement to dealing with her at this point. I'm sure she wasn't so bad when he was with her, or he wouldn't have been with her. But, he broke up with her because she cheated and stole from him. She's proven what kind of person she is and that sort of sets the bar pretty low for anyone else, including me.

I guess all I can do is be the best wife I can be and do all I can to make our marriage work. (and hope he does the same) If not, I guess he won't be telling his next wife that I was better than she is.

I think the reason why some second marriages do not work out is because you have bitter psycho ex's to deal with.... during a first marriage that does not come into play...

I don't think it is always about who is better, it could be who seems to be better suited at that time. My X has "A" type of personality to extreme. I am not particularly "B" type either ha and certainly am not a submissive woman. His long time GF was not submissive either. His current wife though is OK wiht playing 2nd role and is a old fashioned "yes honey whatever you say" type of woman. I would not call it "better" but might be more suitable for my X. This cannot be called an improvement but it probably works better for X because he could be the boss. haha

i would also say that some men (in my experience with people I know) might go for the 2nd wife who would put up wiht somehting what 1st wife didn't want to. Or at least they hope their 2nd wife will put up with whatever the 1st one didn't. Or sometimes 2nd wife provides somehting what 1st one could not (like financial benefit like TOS' X's wife), or is much younger (like kkny's X;s SO) but I would not call it an improvement.

As about looks of course when men are in love with us we are the prettiest ones out there. But i don't find this topic even approrpiate for men to discuss. People don't choose looks. I am objectivelly much better looking than my X's wife but does it somehow make me a better person or should he even discuss it? for my X to even mention her looks in comparison to mine would be inappropriate because she knows me and she has eyes. My point is which wife or girlfriend looks better is not a respectful topic of a guy to even talk about.

I dont think it is more than a hop skip and a jump from I am a better person than first wife -- which many many here say (psycho first wife, et etc) to I can and will be a better mother and these stepkids will listen to me or they are not welcome. Which is not at all what the article said. Did anyone else read the entire article and have any thoughts?

I have a relative who was married at least nine times. It would be ridiculous to propose that each successive marriage or wife was in any way an improvement on the previous one. He didn't learn anything in his first eight marriages that led to making a better choice in number 9. What kind of idiot would even consider marrying a guy who had been married 8 times before? I didn't meet all his wives, in part because the marriages got shorter and shorter as time went on, but from what I have heard from other relatives his first wife was the intelligent one, and the one everyone actually liked.

Oh Jesus Christ. It iosn't about who is better ladies. Ocviously everyone is a totally different person and comparing is apples and oranges. It comes down to campatability. You may not be right for one person but perfect for another. It has nothing to do with who is better or smarter or prettier.

In J and my own case we just naturally hit it off really really well. We have to try a very minimal amount to coexist. It comes easily because we match up well. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am more "fabulous" than his ex. I AM easier to get along with because I don't have as many issues which I am positive makes his life easier but as far as comparing you couldn't pick more opposite people than hus ex and I. This is probably precisely why we DO get along so well. He tried that type and it didn't work! In fact they were horrendous together.

In all fairness about the psycho Ex wife statements....sometimes it is VERY true. SOmetimes it isn't just a generic statement. In my case the ex very much is a psycho who is always pulling the kindof stunts you read about in the local paper and shake your head. She is the kindof person you would see on an episode of COPS dancing nude on a patrol car hood. SHe ISN'T normal. I don't mean the "crazy ex" as a blanket statement, it's just in my case the ex really is clinical.

I read the entire article last night. There were many things I agreed with and many things I did not. In fact, some instances were contradictory to each other.

Just for example, stating that 80% of childrens from stepfamilies turn out as healthy adults but then claiming that behavorial issues in children come from before the remarriage. And then stating that 90% of children from two-parent families or single-parent families grow up healthy. These statistics directly contradict their claim that behavorial issues start before the remarriage.

And claiming 80% as a high rate of success seems arbitrary alone. The difference of 10% is quite significant by any standards and it is pointed out the significance later on in the article but one of the bullet points claims it as a high success?

I did agree with the following which this advice doesn't seem to be give out enough:

"Stepfamilies can't push members into close relationships; still, they may feel the pain of absence of intimacy. Stepfamily life throws into bold relief very fundamental human needs--above all, says John Visher, the need to be a part of something. Entry into a stepfamily puts members in a position of assessing whether they are an insider or an outsider."

"Joan Giacomini, a remarried parent and university administrator in Seattle, warns that it is hard for stepmothers to adjust to the fact that they are not number one to their new spouse. "There may be a handful of number ones, but you aren't the only number one," she says.

That gives rise to an all-too-common scenario a remarried stepparent--often the stepmother--asks, "who is it going to be, me or your kids?" It's a false question--it leads to what Carter calls a "fake fight"--because it erroneously equates parent-child relationships and marital relationships, apples and oranges. Children are dependents; parental obligations to them are always unconditional."

"We are raised to believe that we are responsible for everybody. A stepmother sees the children as unhappy and the husband as ineffectual, and she moves in to be helpful. Mavis Hetherington's research shows the consequence of this: a lot of fighting between teenage stepdaughters and stepmothers." Nevertheless, women move toward a problem to work on it--whether it's theirs to work on or not.

Trouble is, explains Carter, "in stepfamilies, everybody has to be in charge of their own children. A biological father has to understand that it is his responsibility to take charge. The stepmother has to back off, let the father do the monitoring and caretaking of the kids--even let him do it wrong. This is very hard to do; it flies in the face of all our gender training."

What's more, a large body of research on depression and marriage demonstrates that women's self-esteem becomes contingent upon relationships going smoothly; it holds in stepfamilies, as well. Women get depressed when stepfamily life goes badly, and they blame themselves."

I forgot to mention that I also agreed with the article in that it takes kids 3 years after their parents remarried to accept their new spouse in a parental role or authority figure. During this time the new spouse should model themselves after a favorite relative other than a parent.

That's something we all see a lot of on this board in a lot of situations where there is a problem and someone comes here to post. The stepparent has jumped right in without forming a bond with the child and demanding an authority they really don't have in the childs mind.

I am into my third year of remarriage. Both our 2nd. Since sd's biomom passed away before I met her she was really wanting a new mommy. She was very eager to please me and accept me. FDH had a bit more difficulty with my 2 teens. Understandably so. I found myself caught in the middle of everything. The families sounding board and problem solver. I don't like being in that position. I want them all to be able to talk to one another.

DH needed some prompting in regards to his daughter's behavior such as manners, getting attention and so on. It was tough at first but things are pretty good now. He would be happy with me making and enforcing all of the rules but I won't be known as the "bad cop" all of the time. I go to him when I want him to speak to her about something or to back me up. It is not something that he ever really thought about but he sees it works out better that way for her to hear his voice in things also.

My DH would continually come to me and tell me what was bothering him about my teens, I would go to them, then go back to him.....didn't like how that was catching me in the middle of everything. So I've told the kids, "You have to go and speak to SD about that." or if it's DH. "If you want to know when SS is going to pay for his insurance...ask him." I figure it's been long enough now that they need to get comfortable with it all.

My DH hates confrontation so there hasn't been anything like that towards my kids although I have told him that if there is a problem I will support him. My kids are very respectful of him. They love him and sees that he loves me.

SD and I have a long time to grow together and that is going well now to. She is entering adolescents and she and I are having some good talks about it. Something her dad would have a hard time doing.

I think it's a delicate balance with every one's individual style and needs being taken into consideration. We are all very different in our house. Talking about differences and similarities is a must. My DS, 16, drives SD to school this year and that has really helped their relationship move to a different level. She likes having a big brother and he gives her advice. I love seeing that.

Articles or statistics are too impersonal. Each family has a different story to tell and part of the problem with articles or statistics is that they try to deal with every thing as though they were the same and you can't. Every one's story is different and I'm sure they all have good and bad times to share.When have a bad situation we all should try to figure out what can be done to make it better. Every one in family should do their best.

does anyone have the link or the exact title/author of this article so I can read the whole thing too?

Serenity, go to psychologytoday.com and then search articles for "stepfamilies." It is the first article.

Believer, I agree with you to a certain extent. Everyone is different, but that is what an article like this and others do to highlight common pitfalls and whatnot. I wouldn't brush off statistics or anything significantly relevant to stepfamilies just because it doesn't feel personal. These are very real problems and pitfalls that would benefit people to learn about.

nivea, I do agree with what you said. I guess we are different in as many ways as we are the same. As step families we do share a unique set of circumstances. That's why we're here....to share, to learn and to help if we can....:o)

"That's something we all see a lot of on this board in a lot of situations where there is a problem and someone comes here to post. The stepparent has jumped right in without forming a bond with the child and demanding an authority they really don't have in the childs mind."

I agree with this 100%. Kids need an adjustment time. They not only need time to adjust to the divorce but then ADDITIONAL time to adjust to new partners. It was alot easier for me than some because the girls were pretty much still babies when I became involved with them. For people jumping into a relationship with a spouse that has children who are 5 and up it gets alot harder and takes more time for everyone to get use to each other. I say "get use" instead of "bond" because sadly the bond sometimes never happens.

With teens and pre teens you need to move extra slow becasue if the kid feels your new boyfriend/girlfriend is being shoved down their throats they are going to resist at every turn. Moving slow is key.

When I first brought my husband, then BF to our house, my ds wouldn't come up from the basement. We had a long distance relationship and BF was here to visit for a week. It took several days before ds would come upstairs. Once he meet BF now DH, DS wanted to go everywhere with us and wouldn't leave us alone. It was rather touching. DS hadn't had a man pay attention to him in so long that once he figured out he liked BF he loved being with us. We all went out to eat, went swimming at the hotel and all kinds of things. DS didn't like the idea at first but by the time we married he was on board. All of us living together was a real change. The kids were used to having me all to themselves and visa verse for DH's DD. I'm glad we are where we are now.

AWWWW...hahahaha. How old was your DS when he hid down in the basement? Bless his heart! How long would you say it took him to get fully "on board" with the idea of mom being with another man besides him?

I don't know but for some reason I want to say he was probably aorund nine at the time. Am I way off???

Just finished reading the article. I'm very much in agreement with what it suggests about gender roles and women, but I think there are many more aspects to this conflict in terms of how it can affect stepfamilies than what they covered in the article. (To be fair, that topic alone could fill a big long article itself.) The more and more I think about it, the more I think that traditional gender role expectations are one of the biggest and yet one of the most overlooked sources of conflict in the stepfamily unit, mainly among the females involved. A main and obvious reason for the conflicts is that usually it is not possible for ALL females in the extended blended family to fulfill all of the goals/expectations inherent to the traditional "woman's role", at least not simultaneously. If and when it ever IS possible, that itself too often becomes a contest. Either way, comparisons & contrasts are made and inevitably one or more of the women feel "cheated" out of fulfillment of the role. That is, to the extent that they value the traditional woman's role. Even if they are NOT predisposed to value the traditional woman's role, if another female is in that role, it may still cause comparisons and resentment. (Examples: "why does SHE get to be a SAHM and I have [or had] to work?"; "howcome SHE preaches that I have to be an independent self-sufficient adult at age 18 and pay my own way through college when she is neither independent nor self-sufficient at age 45?"; "why does SHE get to be called 'Mom' when she isn't even custodial, just because she birthed the kid?"; "why does SHE get to be called 'Mom' just because she is custodial when *I* birthed the kid?".... etc.... etc.... etc....)

Doodleboo....He had just turned 12. When his dad and I divorced he was 21 mos. old. My dd was 5. So for quite a while he and dd were the only ones in my life. He was not afraid to say that he was a "Mommy's Boy". He is quite independent at 16 but mom is his first true love.....He said at the time of staying in the basement that he didn't really have a real dad then and didn't want one. Every man that he had bonded to had left him. We tried the "big brother" thing and they would come by for a while and then not call,His dad wouldn't do any thing with him. My dad died. It was heart breaking....he was my buddy. I tried to do as much of the "guy" things with him as I could. We watched all the shows on how to build motorcycles, I taught him how to mow the lawn and use all the tools that I could. I took the kids to a cabin every summer and we fished and hiked and so on. We are very close, he is a blessing.

He was being territorial over his Mama:) I think that's sweet.

The girls were pretty young when I met them for the first time. They were all over me almost instantly. The age of the children during the divorce and initial introduction of the new partner make s a HUGE difference on how things go. At 3,4 and 5 they are just glad to have someone to shower attention on them.....hahahaha.

What is the deal with some of you people? So what if she posted the positive side of the article. Since when is it wrong to look on the bright side? I mean some of you talk CONSTANTLY about how second marriages are bound to fail and your poor children are the victims of divorce and evil stepparents. Then you turn right around and smack the rest of us who are trying to make a great life for ourselves and our kids and skids. The whole second marriages fail thing is SO over done around here. Does it make you feel good to knock us down and give us the "facts?" Do you want our marriages to fail and the children we have made together to then be in the same spot as our skids? Some of you are just bitter and mean and absolutely lame. Shame on some of you.

Mom1

I didnt say she posted the positive side, I said she posted a biased view, and the entire article had some other points. For example, where the article said SM was a bit of a misnomer, and it might be better for a SM to forget the mother in the name, and be more like an aunt.

I do regard my DD as a victim of divorce. I am not aware of any study that doesnt put children of divorce at a disadvantage to children in intact families. And she certainly didnt cause the divorce.

I think the point about second marriages failing is taken out of context. Its more about Dad should have more a role, as child may end up with serial SMs.

"I think the point about second marriages failing is taken out of context. Its more about Dad should have more a role, as child may end up with serial SMs."

No, it should be about mom minding her own business about what happens at dad's house. Unless there is abuse, the role dad has with his kids in his house is his business. If SM is 'overstepping', then it's not mom's problem, it's dads problem. He needs to deal with it and if it causes problems with the SK's, then it's her problem... not mom's.

As to serial SM's... that's also beyond mom's control. Dad's don't have a right to keep the kids from a mom that has serial boyfriends/husbands. That's also not good for kids but when mom & dad separate, they both should do what's best for their kids and if one puts their kids through a bunch of BF/GF's, the other really has no control over that. Now, if it begins to affect the children, then it should be brought up to a mediator or judge but a parent might be biased that their kids are being harmed by the other parent's choices over which they have no control. That's understandable, we don't want to see our kids harmed... but we also don't want the other parent telling us what we can or can't do in our lives either.

It's all good and well to say SM's should act as an aunt would act, but some aunts are very close, others more distant. I treated my nieces and nephews just as I did my own kids. One of my sisters was not into kids much so she didn't have any closeness with her nieces and nephews. My sister in law only saw her nieces and nephews on holidays and it wasn't a big deal. My other sister treated nieces & nephews good but treated her own kids more favorably. It would probably be upsetting for a stepchild to be treated less favorably than SM's kids, whether they are hers only or hers and dads together. Maybe it works to act as an aunt when there are no other kids around and just the step kids. But, then some step kids want the step mom to treat them as a mom would because their 'real' mom isn't acting like a real mom should.

Ima, I am sorry we are going to have to disagree on this. What happens to me my child, no matter where it happens, at school, at her dads, is my business. I am not nosy, and I tell her that I dont need to know anything that isnt a health or safety issue (but please give me the dirty clothes the minute you get home). I can see if you were my Xs SO we would be at loggerheads. Visitation/custody is meant to strengthen the child's relationship with his parents, not SM. My advice to anyone in process of getting divorce is to get ROFR and no third party pickups or drop offs in agreement.

"I didnt say she posted the positive side, I said she posted a biased view, and the entire article had some other points. For example, where the article said SM was a bit of a misnomer, and it might be better for a SM to forget the mother in the name, and be more like an aunt."

It did have other points you are right, but what is wrong with putting the ones on there that will lift the group. Also, I completely disagree with the act as an aunt role idea. I do not pretend to be the BM of my son, but at my home I AM the mom and I refuse to go back and forth between roles. This is easier in my family since my SS was young and excepting of me when DH and I got together. The aunt role would work better (IMO) for someone coming in later in the child's life. IMO I am a parent to my SS regardless of step or bio and I will act as such.

"I do regard my DD as a victim of divorce. I am not aware of any study that doesnt put children of divorce at a disadvantage to children in intact families. And she certainly didnt cause the divorce".

I did not say they are not victims. However, it is not a good idea, IMO, to go around considering yourself or your kids as victims, at least not to them, or they will always pitty themselves instead of learning from the situation that they have been put in. I agree that it is not fair to them and is definitely not an ideal situation to be in. I did say that with the way you and others act about second marriages it is almost like you are disregarding the fact that other children are born out of these second marriages and that they could be put in this situation to. Do you not understand that by constantly telling everyone that statistically they are more likely to fail than succeed in a second marriage it comes off as you almost hope we do, our kids bedamned. Also, I completely agree that kids of divorce are at a disadvantage to kids in a intact family. Unless, that intact family is an unhappy one in which they are better of in a divorce situation.

"I think the point about second marriages failing is taken out of context. Its more about Dad should have more a role, as child may end up with serial SMs."

You are generalizing here. Dads are not the only ones who do this. In fact, in my own person experience my DH and I have been together for quite a while and I was the first and only serious relationship he had after his divorce. His ex wife has been involved in a serious relationship off and on since right after they seperated. Between her and her long-time bf's fall outs she has had many bfs who my son has had to stay with, be babysat by, and all sorts of other situations where there were serial SDs.

My SD's mom was in a relationship with a guy for five years, her daughter got attached to him and when they broke up, BM let her read the nasty letter he wrote to BM. That's an adult issue, not for the kids to know her mom's exBF hopes her mom chokes on her beer bottle. Then, BM spent a year partying hard and trying find a new man. SD met many of those guys and even told us her mom was marrying one of them and how much she loved him. A month later, mom is living with yet a different guy. At least this guy has been around now for a year, but SD is going to his parents and calls them grandma & papa. This new relationship may or may not work out for BM and if not, there may be new guys in SD's life and new grandma's and grandpa's. DH has a right to think it's wrong for BM to expose their daughter to all these guys, but he only has a right to say something about it to BM if he wants to allow BM the right to say something to him about his choices in relationships. If it affects SD so much that it's harming her (as in causing emotional problems or abuse) then he has an obligation to protect his daughter and should limit contact but he cannot unilaterally make that decision. If BM were to agree to limit contact, fine. I don't think it would be what a good parent does because she's choosing herself over her kid, but she can do that. If not, he has to get a court to order it. Just because he doesn't agree with her lifestyle doesn't mean he has a right to make the rules... she doesn't agree with his/our lifestyle and she doesn't get to make the rules either. They are both parents with equal rights until a court decides to give one sole legal custody to make those decisions. It's kinda sad that some ex's don't care enough to do something about seeing their children more or fight it when a custodial parent limits contact.

Again, I suggest people read the entire article.

KKNY
I suggest that you let go of all that anger you are carrying around inside of you, it is only harming you and you deserve better.

In regards to gender roles:

I believe this is an issues with ANY 2 women and not just a SM issue. My mom was always the "lady of the house" growing up, and rightfully so. She took care of the home and delegated stuff for us to do. I moved out after high school and started having my own home to take care of. This worked great until I got divorced and had to live with them for a while to pay off my debt and get back on my feet. She quickly returned to treating me like a child and ordering me around!

2+ years later, they sold their house and moved in with my son and I until they could buy a house. She came in and took over my home! We constantly warred over EVERYTHING because she was rearranging MY stuff and telling ME what to do. Finally, I gave up and let her be the "lady of the house" in my home. We no longer battled about things, but I was very unhappy. Everything I had done to set up my independence from my mother was washed away and I felt like a teenager again, just with more responsibilities. I was still paying all the bills, but being treated as a child.

In January of that year, my father and I both lost our jobs (on the same day, no less) and my mother never really worked so there was no income coming in. I found a job within 3 weeks, but my father didn't find one for several months. One night, 3 months later, we came to blows. She had just had a huge arguement with my aunt at the hospital where their mother was dying. She came home, while I was asleep (because I had to work the next day since I was the only one working in the house), and I heard her telling my father (rather loudly) all about the arguement and then she said "And Ashley! She has never taken any turns sitting up there! What kind of a daughter doesn't go relieve her mother so her mother can get some rest?" I didn't react; I knew she was irrational because her mother was dying and she had just had an arguement with her sister. But the fact was that she was disrespecting me in the home that I made and was paying for. I definitely understand the battle we were having with gender roles. She couldn't ever come to grips that this was MY home and she shouldn't disrespect me in MY home just as she had ordered me not to do to her in HER home. And I was wanting to assert my independence, which is not irrational seeing as I was 26 years old and raising a child.