Hecalls and Cawfe are correct, oh my, she didn't have full custody, they had 50/50 but she spent six months fighting for full custody just before she left. I think cawfe summed it up best. She won't take or return SD's calls, except when it's convenient for 'her'. She has called after SD is asleep, then says we're 'keeping her baby from her' because DH won't wake up SD to talk. Whenever she has SD with her, all she talks about is her 'butterfly' wedding that she's planning with BF and they are all lovey dovey so SD ends up feeling like she's not so important to her mom. Mom left and forgot about me. SD has told DH that she feels BF stole her mom. It was the way in which it was done. She sent SD on her regular week to DH and moved during the week while we had SD. Then, the day she was supposed to get SD back, she tells DH 'I can't take her, I've moved. I met Mr. Wonderful and we're getting married. Can you tell DD?' He said 'you tell her yourself' so they agreed that BM would tell her and DH would be there. BM sits down both her girls and tells them, not only is she moving three hours away and leaving SD with dad, but she also tells them that she's marrying this guy (whom they have known for two weeks) and another significant thing to note here, she had a different BF just a month earlier that she told SD she was getting married to, but she went on a trip out of state and she broke up with him while she was gone, came back and met this new potential husband. I think any 8 & 12 year old would be confused, upset and feel abandoned. That is the word her counselor has used many times. FD, you may feel that because she see's her mom, she isn't abandoned and apparently you won't see things through the eyes of a child that was left for a BF. That's YOUR problem but I think everyone else understands how heartbreaking it must be for this child.

I have two step-children.... 4 and 6. Their Bio Mom is still around. It's joint physical custody. The kids are here just as much as they are there, although sometimes Bio Mom likes to take her trips and live her social life and she often let's the kids slip as her number one priority. She is an involved Mother, just not as much as she should be. My husband is a great Father......NOW. He was horrible when we first met. I had to come in there and lay down the law. The kids were getting away with murder and not respecting adults. I helped him to see that and much of the excellent behavior these kids display, can be attributed to me and my efforts. My husband loves his kids, but even he is not as involved as he should be. I really do everything. I fill their shoes A LOT. Recently, I have put my foot down and I've told them, YOU NEED TO DO THIS, THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS, STAY HOME WITH YOUR KIDS ETC. They respond well to it. My husband is supportive of me...and so is his ex. We are actually all friends...and we work together really well. But I just feel sometimes that my role is too strong, but we all placed myself here in the beginning.... I've been a strong influence/parent from the start. Once you take on all that responsibility and become a huge role in the kids' lives, even if you realize it's too much, how can you really stop without hurting the great relationship you have with the kids? If I pull back, the kids know it and they feel rejected by me. So I feel stuck in this HUGE role forever... I don't mind it very much at all, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. As I wrote above, I put my foot down a lot. Recently I yelled an emphatic NO! We've changed the schedule to accomodate my time and Bio Mom knows I do a lot....and that I am often put in the middle of her and my husband. She and I are true ALPHA females...we have a lot in common. When she was married to my husband she was the boss. That is the same in our house. I run it... he makes the money, but I run the house and our life... SO when it comes to planning for the kids, his ex and I directly work together. He is just informed once we have reached a decision. This way has always worked better for me because I then get to make the decisions....and don't feel like I'm having to adjust to her requests coming through my husband. If we work on a schedule and set it up a certain way I feel more willing to do it...then if my husband set it up with her. It's easier...and feels less threatening and controlling. Not only that, she and I work together better. We communicate better.... Those two are horrible. They are night and day. If they planned things together, the kids would be lost....and dressed in pajamas for school. SO basically, what I am trying to say and going off on a tangine with, is that life has been set up in a way that makes me totally accountable and responsible for the kids....more than perhaps most stepparents. I don't think it can change. As long as I have the strength to communicate my limitations or express when I think it is too much, it should be okay. My major concern in all of this, will be how the kids feel. We are close and enjoy our time together...and I am very much their Mother...not BIO MOM of course, but no different from her and her role. However, I've sensed a pulling back lately, as I pull back. I think the kids feel like I don't want them... It's so hard sometimes because as much as I love them, there are times I could do without them.... I think they are starting to sense that feeling, even though I don't directly show that to them...somehow they are sensing it. I don't know how to comfort them and help them to realize that it's not an evil thing, it's justified....but doesn't mean I don't love them. I also think that they sometimes wish they had both of their parents taking care of them.... When they want their Dad, they may not say it, but feel it, AND they get me instead. I think they are getting smarter and figuring things out and experiencing some new emotions. I know I threw out a huge question to everyone. I think I sent it out when I felt pressured by my role for the day.. Today my role is fine...but perhaps two days ago it was a lot! Every day is a different day... It's amazing how your attitude can change from day to day as a stepparent. I wish there was more consistency in this life. Anyway, I just want the kids to be happy...but I just sense some tough things on the rise. It seems to come in cycles..when we first met, it was really hard. Although the kids were nice to me, they displayed anger to their Dad...mainly the 6 yr old, he was 4 at the time. Things calm down, the kids adjust and then one day they say something, things get quiet, they adjust, someone gets angry at something or doesn't listen, they say they get tired of going back and forth, and through everything, they have not pulled back with me... But lately they have...and I think it is because I pulled back the time I put in with them...and my other priorities replaced them temporarily. It sucks for a stepparent because if you do something that upsets the kids, or if you are not there when they need you....you have to work twice as hard to get it back, while Bio Mom checks out for a week and never calls and when she walks through the door, she is Heaven on Earth!! SO unfair. How can you prevent your steppchildren from sensing that they are not wanted one day? I guess you just have to suck it up and pretend you are happy to see them, when you don't even care? I'm rambeling, but I see things are changing...and I'm worried. I don't want to lose what I have with them...it's a great, loving relationship... One of these days, they will see things clearly and I'm so afraid they'll hate me, and all this time I put in, will be for nothing... And my marriage will suffer and life will just plain suck!

I had a similar problem with my DD at about the fourish age.. she still has bouts every now and again but for the most part she seems to have grown out of it. And, this was absolutely not a result of divorce poisoning since her bd is no longer alive and hasnt been since she was two...but anyways I will have to Completely disagree with Kathline on this one... perhaps my dd is just a handful but she was fully capable of coming to me to tell me something happened or S said this or that that never happened...(and I did get suspiscous and start to investigate just in case but when she started lieing about conversations that I had overheard... I knew what was up) She also would do the crying for no reason and would be up my rear as soon as I would get home from work. I would come home and my DH would be in the room talking to her about something and everything would be fine until she saw me and then the water works. My DH was very upset by all of this and for a moment started to pull away from her. The only way that things changed was when I looked at how I reacted to it. Everytime she would cry I would ask what's wrong and try to get her to tell me why she was crying (attention!!) and when she would tell me things about DH I would go and ask him what really happened and then go back to her (attention!!) When I stopped playing into it ... she stopped. I know most of it had to do with her now sharing her mom with five other people and I am a fairly laid back person.. I grew up as the oldest of four in a cramped house that usually had all kinds of extra folks...like my cuz who lived with us on and off... so I am used to loud crazy atmospheres with lots of jokes lots of insults lots of everyone talking on top of everyone else... but my husband is not... he cant take the loud noise and he insists on no mam and no sir or vice versa.. so she was adjusting to having another adult in the house that did play like mom does and then on top of that she was not the "golden child" anymore (she was the only grandchild niece great grand etc etc) she had to share with three other kids... But, I started ignoring the crying when I would come home... I would just pop in to say are you hurt? oh well then cant be that bad get done whatever DH asked you to do... and when she would tell me something that wasnt true I would ask Dh infront of her if that was true ... and she would get punished accordingly usually go sit on your bed for x amount of time and then we will talk about again later (because ofcourse by that time the water works started).. It took awhile for her to realize that I wont play her game anymore and she is doing much better these days... But, not to say this is the case with your daughter because there is some divorce poison going on but even without it that can happen... I think the best thing to do is to change how you and your DH react to it and I think that mom2emall had a few good suggestions.

Hey! ... So your situation sounds like my life 100%. Im not sure how you can find my posts but one of them is POWER STRUGGLE WITH STEP-DAUGHTER. I have the same situation minus the parents. I am lucky enough that the parents respect me and realise the BM is a sad excuse for a parent. Before I say anything I just wanted to say that it may be a really bad sign that his parents are acting the way they are... because bascially they are telling you by not allowing you over that they do not respect you, your opinions, your relationship with your bf... and I am assuming you have said or did something or voiced opinions and they disagree... What I did after I joined this forum, with the help of the posters on here is I literally removed myself from the situation... The child is 7 just like you, and she runs the show just likes yours. Now basically what I did with my fiance is sit down and say listen, I had divorced parents and my dad was strict and my mom was a push over... I explained to him that for his daughter's sake he needed to teach her discipline and give her rules and guidelines. In the beginning he thought I was a complete jerk so I stayed quiet.. Then things started unfolding on their own. She acted out at a fam BBQ and made him look like a fool, she almost drowned at a cottage we rented because he cant get control of her, she physcially hurt my god daugher (who is 3 btw), she ruined a weekend trip away because she started crying again in the middle of a show because the attn wasnt all on her, and his own MOTHER will not take her anywhere anymore because she is out of control and drove her absolutely insane on a weekend trip... these are just some of the things and this was what i can remember all in a 1-2 month span...And we have her every OTHER weekend. Bascially then, he came to me and said listen I really dono what to do. I am so lost. And my response was well I'm not an expert but I can see what you can't because I am not the parent and she is SCREAMING for some guidelines and rules. I told him straight up if you do not get her under control and respecting you then when she is a teen I feel extremely sorry for you and her. As you said she adores me too. But I have had some things happen to my in the last little while as well.. One of my posts was about a day that she was being bullied at daycare so I kept her at home that day before she went back to BM and she did not listen to a single word that came out of my mouth the entire day. She has ZERO respect for elders, and MINUS respect for her father and in turn me. So now the rule is I do not take her anywhere without him. And he is giving the discipline... I like you, am trying to help him and her... but as the posters on here will never fail to remind you,.... your not the mom, you have no say. When this child's BM doesnt care for her in appropriate ways, I can't do anything about it. So now I just let him handle everything. When his BM freaks out and calls and acts like a 2 yr old. I just leave the room and let it go on. Because as much as you want to lose your mind on him, her whatever just remember NONE of this is your problem. Enjoy him, and YOUR relationship. And enjoy the little one when shes around, help her with her homework, cook together do fun stuff. But if he doesn't discipline her and she drives you nuts... guess what, shes NOT yours so you have the choice that you can leave. It really doesn't sound like the situation will change if he doesn't think there is a problem. And him constantly tellin you she is # 1 is telling you that whatever YOU have to say means F*%& all and you may as well give up saying anything. He is not listening. He is listening however to what his parents say (who seem to be quacks) by the way. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about the situation. Forget about the daughter for a moment and his family and really think about what exactly it is that you two have together... Is there even anything there? do you even do anything together or have fun or is it all based on HIS parents HIS kid and HIS problems with HIS BM. Just remember at the end of the day if he doesnt respect your opinions that what exactly do you have together? The best of luck, Dont forget to update us here lol I always wonder whats happening in the poster's lives after they post and get responses haha!