Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one. You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died. The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way. Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this? I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own? At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place. I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage. There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious. I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids. Welcome to the forum!

6. Allow each child to pick an activity that they want to do (both bio and SK's) so each has a chance to feel that they are being included in a decision making process. (limit's of course as to what that activity is) If a chart needs to be made so as no arguments arise as to who picked last then so be it. 7. When a decision needs to be made about a family situation both parents bio and SP should consult one another with out the children standing in front of them, then approach together. This shows unity and does not allow children to think that one parent has more "strength" in the marriage then the other. It slowly teaches the children that both parents have equal say so (within reason) about what goes on in the family. 8. When time's of the year are for gift giving occasions, bio family and SP should speak to there families about being fare about gift giving. All to many times bio families tend to give more to there flesh and blood and not so much to the SC. This cause's resentment, and more reason for the child to act out. If for some reason this is an issue (sometimes it is), make arrangements so gifts are given with other children aren't around. 9. I believe it is not only healthy for the bio parent to spend alone bonding time with the child, but also healthy for the SP to do the same. Even if it's just lunch while BP does an errand or washes the car, or something. This shows that the SP is interested in being a part of the SC's life, even without force of the BP.

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

Hey! ... So your situation sounds like my life 100%. Im not sure how you can find my posts but one of them is POWER STRUGGLE WITH STEP-DAUGHTER. I have the same situation minus the parents. I am lucky enough that the parents respect me and realise the BM is a sad excuse for a parent. Before I say anything I just wanted to say that it may be a really bad sign that his parents are acting the way they are... because bascially they are telling you by not allowing you over that they do not respect you, your opinions, your relationship with your bf... and I am assuming you have said or did something or voiced opinions and they disagree... What I did after I joined this forum, with the help of the posters on here is I literally removed myself from the situation... The child is 7 just like you, and she runs the show just likes yours. Now basically what I did with my fiance is sit down and say listen, I had divorced parents and my dad was strict and my mom was a push over... I explained to him that for his daughter's sake he needed to teach her discipline and give her rules and guidelines. In the beginning he thought I was a complete jerk so I stayed quiet.. Then things started unfolding on their own. She acted out at a fam BBQ and made him look like a fool, she almost drowned at a cottage we rented because he cant get control of her, she physcially hurt my god daugher (who is 3 btw), she ruined a weekend trip away because she started crying again in the middle of a show because the attn wasnt all on her, and his own MOTHER will not take her anywhere anymore because she is out of control and drove her absolutely insane on a weekend trip... these are just some of the things and this was what i can remember all in a 1-2 month span...And we have her every OTHER weekend. Bascially then, he came to me and said listen I really dono what to do. I am so lost. And my response was well I'm not an expert but I can see what you can't because I am not the parent and she is SCREAMING for some guidelines and rules. I told him straight up if you do not get her under control and respecting you then when she is a teen I feel extremely sorry for you and her. As you said she adores me too. But I have had some things happen to my in the last little while as well.. One of my posts was about a day that she was being bullied at daycare so I kept her at home that day before she went back to BM and she did not listen to a single word that came out of my mouth the entire day. She has ZERO respect for elders, and MINUS respect for her father and in turn me. So now the rule is I do not take her anywhere without him. And he is giving the discipline... I like you, am trying to help him and her... but as the posters on here will never fail to remind you,.... your not the mom, you have no say. When this child's BM doesnt care for her in appropriate ways, I can't do anything about it. So now I just let him handle everything. When his BM freaks out and calls and acts like a 2 yr old. I just leave the room and let it go on. Because as much as you want to lose your mind on him, her whatever just remember NONE of this is your problem. Enjoy him, and YOUR relationship. And enjoy the little one when shes around, help her with her homework, cook together do fun stuff. But if he doesn't discipline her and she drives you nuts... guess what, shes NOT yours so you have the choice that you can leave. It really doesn't sound like the situation will change if he doesn't think there is a problem. And him constantly tellin you she is # 1 is telling you that whatever YOU have to say means F*%& all and you may as well give up saying anything. He is not listening. He is listening however to what his parents say (who seem to be quacks) by the way. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about the situation. Forget about the daughter for a moment and his family and really think about what exactly it is that you two have together... Is there even anything there? do you even do anything together or have fun or is it all based on HIS parents HIS kid and HIS problems with HIS BM. Just remember at the end of the day if he doesnt respect your opinions that what exactly do you have together? The best of luck, Dont forget to update us here lol I always wonder whats happening in the poster's lives after they post and get responses haha!