I'm not a step-parent, so I hope you won't mind me commenting.

I read an interesting article that suggested the best role for a step-parent to inhabit is that of an important adult in the child's life (like a teacher or a coach), but -not- a substitute parent.

From what I've observed around me, I think that's a very wise approach.

It acknowledges the fact that a step-parent is not the same person as the bio-parent, and the child does not have to "choose" between the two.

It also means that the step-parent should not feel the need to exactly fill the bio-parent's shoes.

Last but not least, it also suggests that the child needs to show basic respect as they would to any adult authority who plays a regular part of their lives. And of course, the step-parent has to behave in a way deserving of that respect.

Does that make sense?

Jennifer25 you have asked a very complex question. I have been pondering for several days on how to answer.

The role of a stepparent is different in every family. I think all of on this site have learned alot based on our experiences which would lead us to handle things differently (if we were to do it again). You can learn alot from reading some of the other postings.

I guess the first thing I would ask is this; what role does your husband play in the lives of his children? Is he an active parent or just a occasional parent who just wants to be the good guy. The answers to these questions will play a big part in how I and others on this site will answer your question - What is my role as a stepparent.

The best case situation is that your husband is very involved in the kids lives and is not afraid to be a real parent to them. This means he sets up boundaries for his kids in order that they grow up with the proper idea of right and wrong and disciplines when it is necessary. If he does these things, than your role is that of a support person and no matter what, an additional person to love these kids.

If your husband is an occasional father who wants to be "Daddy fun, fun" than you are in for a hard time. Kids that grow up in this type of environment, will live their lives manipulating their parents in order to get what they want and the "fun, fun" parent (does not necessarily have to be the non custodial parent)will leave it up to the other parent to try and raise them properly. This leads to complete chaos in both households.

Now this also depends on their ages, the location of the parent to each other, how long the parents have been divorced and how the parents treat each other in front of the kids and behind the scenes.

What role do you want to play in their lives and what role do they want you to play in theirs?

I think the most important factor here is what role the father plays in their lives and this will feed into your role.

Hope I have been of some help. Keep us posted and good luck.

How many stepchildren do you have and what are thier ages? Is the Bio mother still around, and what is her role??

Brad

I have two step-children.... 4 and 6. Their Bio Mom is still around. It's joint physical custody. The kids are here just as much as they are there, although sometimes Bio Mom likes to take her trips and live her social life and she often let's the kids slip as her number one priority. She is an involved Mother, just not as much as she should be.
My husband is a great Father......NOW. He was horrible when we first met. I had to come in there and lay down the law. The kids were getting away with murder and not respecting adults. I helped him to see that and much of the excellent behavior these kids display, can be attributed to me and my efforts. My husband loves his kids, but even he is not as involved as he should be. I really do everything. I fill their shoes A LOT. Recently, I have put my foot down and I've told them, YOU NEED TO DO THIS, THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS, STAY HOME WITH YOUR KIDS ETC. They respond well to it. My husband is supportive of me...and so is his ex. We are actually all friends...and we work together really well. But I just feel sometimes that my role is too strong, but we all placed myself here in the beginning.... I've been a strong influence/parent from the start. Once you take on all that responsibility and become a huge role in the kids' lives, even if you realize it's too much, how can you really stop without hurting the great relationship you have with the kids? If I pull back, the kids know it and they feel rejected by me. So I feel stuck in this HUGE role forever... I don't mind it very much at all, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. As I wrote above, I put my foot down a lot. Recently I yelled an emphatic NO! We've changed the schedule to accomodate my time and Bio Mom knows I do a lot....and that I am often put in the middle of her and my husband. She and I are true ALPHA females...we have a lot in common. When she was married to my husband she was the boss. That is the same in our house. I run it... he makes the money, but I run the house and our life... SO when it comes to planning for the kids, his ex and I directly work together. He is just informed once we have reached a decision. This way has always worked better for me because I then get to make the decisions....and don't feel like I'm having to adjust to her requests coming through my husband. If we work on a schedule and set it up a certain way I feel more willing to do it...then if my husband set it up with her. It's easier...and feels less threatening and controlling. Not only that, she and I work together better. We communicate better.... Those two are horrible. They are night and day. If they planned things together, the kids would be lost....and dressed in pajamas for school. SO basically, what I am trying to say and going off on a tangine with, is that life has been set up in a way that makes me totally accountable and responsible for the kids....more than perhaps most stepparents. I don't think it can change. As long as I have the strength to communicate my limitations or express when I think it is too much, it should be okay. My major concern in all of this, will be how the kids feel. We are close and enjoy our time together...and I am very much their Mother...not BIO MOM of course, but no different from her and her role. However, I've sensed a pulling back lately, as I pull back. I think the kids feel like I don't want them... It's so hard sometimes because as much as I love them, there are times I could do without them.... I think they are starting to sense that feeling, even though I don't directly show that to them...somehow they are sensing it. I don't know how to comfort them and help them to realize that it's not an evil thing, it's justified....but doesn't mean I don't love them. I also think that they sometimes wish they had both of their parents taking care of them.... When they want their Dad, they may not say it, but feel it, AND they get me instead. I think they are getting smarter and figuring things out and experiencing some new emotions.
I know I threw out a huge question to everyone. I think I sent it out when I felt pressured by my role for the day.. Today my role is fine...but perhaps two days ago it was a lot! Every day is a different day... It's amazing how your attitude can change from day to day as a stepparent. I wish there was more consistency in this life.
Anyway, I just want the kids to be happy...but I just sense some tough things on the rise. It seems to come in cycles..when we first met, it was really hard. Although the kids were nice to me, they displayed anger to their Dad...mainly the 6 yr old, he was 4 at the time. Things calm down, the kids adjust and then one day they say something, things get quiet, they adjust, someone gets angry at something or doesn't listen, they say they get tired of going back and forth, and through everything, they have not pulled back with me... But lately they have...and I think it is because I pulled back the time I put in with them...and my other priorities replaced them temporarily. It sucks for a stepparent because if you do something that upsets the kids, or if you are not there when they need you....you have to work twice as hard to get it back, while Bio Mom checks out for a week and never calls and when she walks through the door, she is Heaven on Earth!! SO unfair. How can you prevent your steppchildren from sensing that they are not wanted one day? I guess you just have to suck it up and pretend you are happy to see them, when you don't even care? I'm rambeling, but I see things are changing...and I'm worried. I don't want to lose what I have with them...it's a great, loving relationship... One of these days, they will see things clearly and I'm so afraid they'll hate me, and all this time I put in, will be for nothing... And my marriage will suffer and life will just plain suck!

Jennifer25, it sounds like you stepped into a situation where 2 bioparents were lazely raising these children and not really knowing the possible damage they were causing. I congratulate you for seeing this and doing what is best for the kids. BUT, now that you have done that, you are kind of locked into maintaining this organization. I understand how you feel taken advantage of. I was in the same situation, although my stepkids were teenagers when I entered their life. But I bent over backwards for them and it got me nothing but blamed for everything that they were unhappy about. It is getting better now that they are are both out on their own, but it was along time coming and has a long way to go.
No matter what you do for the kids, they will always think that their bioparents are the greatest, but this doesn't mean that they don't love you just as much, it is just a different bond. As hard as this is to swallow, just remind yourself that they do love you.
You need to talk with your husband about taking on more of the duties you assumed when you came in and straitened up the household. They are his kids and they are/should be his #1 priority. It is easy for him to just let you do it because you are more organized and you make it look so easy, but he is unfairly dumping on you. These kids are young and there are alot of years left in which they will be dependent on all 3 parents. So lay down some more ground rules and try to get everyone to stick with them.
As far as the kids are concerned, just make sure that you hug them and tell them that you love them just as much as you used to and they will adjust to the new schedule of things. Kids really want boundaries and that is what you provided and now that you have changed things a little, they are naturally a bit uneasy about it. They sound like they have had alot of change in their lives and although kids this age bounce back really well, it still can be unsettling until they feel comfortable that the new way is safe and ok.
Don't feel bad about needing time to yourself away from the kids, even bio-parents want and desire this time away. This give you time to regroup and come back refreshed and the kids will notice that you are not as stressed. I have to believe alot of your stress is taking on so much of the responsibility of their father and that of their biomother. So by handing back some of this responsibility, you will feel less resentful.
You sound like a very loving and concientious person and the kids are very luck to have such a caring person in their lives. You sound like you are the most secure figure in their lives. Take care and keep us posted.

I was gonna come put in my two cents in, after also pondering for some time (really great post and I like Trilobite's response), but I think I will just say ditto to MIStepMom's post.

With my five year old son, my husband is a very important person in his life, but, we struggled at first in figuring out my husband's exact role, because, like your husband, my ex-husband and I have joint physical custody of my son. My ex and I get along very well and still make all important decisions for my son together. This was, understandably, a bit confusing for my husband- where does he fit in with a "family unit" that is, on one very important level, still functioning? Took some time, but I would say, after a year, his role is quite similar to the role Trilobite describes (thanks for actually putting that role into words for me, Trilobite). He is very important to my son, they get along quite well, but, my husband knows that he must defer to me and my ex on certain decisions. Also, I am fortunate, because my ex supports us in that he has told my son that he must respect and obey my husband, and that if he doesn't, he will be in trouble with both mom and dad. That has been extremely helpful.

As a fellow "ALPHA" female, I know I take on too much responsibility in a lot of situations (not just in my family life, but work and personal life too). When I find myself in one of those situations, sometimes it helps to make a list of what I feel I can take on. Sometimes I crumble that list up and throw it away, sometimes I share it with the appropriate person, sometimes I just try to identify what steps I can take, on my own, to scale back on the responsibility I have taken on.

I'm not about to suggest any definite male/female sterotypical rules because I don't buy into all that stuff. Each family should determine their own division of household responsibilities.

But, my husband has always told my daughter, "I'm not your dad but I am a dad, so I do dad-like things." (He has older children from a first marriage.)

His approach puts certain things in context without overstepping his boundary. As a result he is very involved in her child rearing.

I think it is so hard to define the role of a step-parent. So many other factors come into play.

Personality of both biological parents
Involvement of equivilent biological parent
Personality of step-child(ren)
Custody arrangement
Needs of step-child(ren)

You have to mold yourself to fit the role into which you are needed most. Your step-children need your discipline and strict lifestyle. That is where you are needed most. Don't feel guilty for that, you should be proud!

I too am the quint-essential "Alpha" female! (Shouldn't we have red capes with a big gold "A" on it?!?!) I am the disciplinarian in this house! My step-daughter walked all over her father and wouldn't listen to him AT ALL until I came around and wouldn't listen to her crap. I make her listen and behave. So much so that her mother has actually asked me to "make her" do stuff from time to time. I thought that was pretty funny!!