I am so sorry for the pain you're going through -- But (and this may not help) it doesn't sound all that unusual for 15-year old boys... That's a notoriously difficult age for boys. Difficult for them, with all of the hormones hitting, the physical awkwardness, emerging sexuality, social issues, budding manhood, need for privacy to sort things through, inability to process feelings verbally... And difficult for parents because they really want to help, but the kids absolutely can not let them in at that particular stage. They're separating from their parents -- trying to stop being 'children', but absolutely clueless about how to be 'adults'. Unless they're one of those 'Teflon teens' who are always good-looking, well-coordinated and popular, they're probably desparately confused about their place in the world. Totally in-between... Honestly, if all he's doing is shutting you out, please know that that is normal, even in intact families, and don't overthink it too much. Once he is able to drive and spend more time outside the house, things will probably improve dramatically -- really. And by the time he's 18 or 19, he'll probably be really nice again. I suspect Dad is really enjoying his new relationship with his son. Many men don't seem to know how to relate to young children, and his son's 'emerging manhood' may have been exactly the clue Dad was waiting for (but didn't know it) to recognize something he could bond with. I imagine he's feeling really important in his son's life -- like he finally IS the mentor and 'example' he was always supposed to be...

Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done. I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. This way their step father will be able to continue to raise them and if for some he feels that he can not handle this responsibility, then I would like the children to be raised by my brother and his wife and it would be step dads decision, not the courts. Secondly, the research that I found states that little girls raised without a father influence, have a ten times greater chance of turning to a life of drugs and/or prostitution. And little boy turn to drugs and crime. Thirdly, if DH and I get a divorce, I would like the children to continue a relationship with him. My DH oldest son  a question of paternity arose when the child was only three, however, paternity was never legally challenged or determined and his name is on the birth certificate. However, his ex-wife used it as a weapon, every time he tried to divorce her. He waited until the child was twelve and could tell the courts that he wanted to live with his father and called her bluff. Needless to say he lives with us. I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody  I run the risk of loosing  Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father. Back to the name change issue  My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point  the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name. As for RosieL response  As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her name I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school. Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them. As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ...  The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name. As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too. She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name. I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject.

My fourteen year old SS just spent 10 days in the hospital. BM kept making up all sorts of stories to the doctors, which kept leading them in the wrong direction. My husband-BD was over whelmed both by this and other personal issues. I was the only one that stayed focused. However, I could not make legal decisions for the minor. The best I could do was to inform and empower SS - "If they want to do something and you are not sure about it - just say We need to talk to my dad first ..." "if your dad or I are not here, You have to use your head and make judgement calls." "Call me at work any time. Your dad is not always easy to get a hold of" I was a little leery of empowering my SS because he is a control freak "NO, YOU CANT TAKE MY BLOOD PRESURE!" And the only reason, BM did not contest my involvement with the doctors is because (Dad was not there) BM DID NOT want to sign the financial consent forms to admit SS. I agreed to sign the forms if she agreed to let me be involved in his medical care. I am actually surprised that she did not go back on her word after I signed the papers. If I was his adoptive mom, I would of been leagally able to discuss/direct his medical care. I would just imply that I was his mother. And only when pushed did I reveal that I was only the step-mom. And some doctors/nurses were little leery of continueing discusions with me.

M. Martin, plenty of SPs have been in your position. Being a SP is not an easy task, at all. Many who are both bio-parents and SPs say the step-parenting has been by far the more difficult. Dismissive attitudes from many, including counselors, unfortunately, are not all that uncommon either. Many have been taught or trained to think only from the perspective of the bio-parents and their children, and therefore don’t take SPs thoughts, feelings or rights (yes, SPs do have rights) into consideration much, if at all. One thing you could do that might help, is make sure you see a counselor well-experienced in blended families or one who is a SP him or herself. But, sometimes even that is questionable. Sometimes SPs get “lucky” and have both a supportive bio-mom and spouse/DH and sometimes they may just have a supportive spouse. The term supportive in this case means that your role as DH’s wife and step-mom is accepted AND enforced. However, some SMs have pretty much zero support from anyone, including their own husbands. This is the bucket you seem to be falling into. Your DH doesn’t support you in your role with his children, so his children don’t support you either. If the kids were younger, you’d need to focus on turning your DH around, so he can turn his kids around. But, since the SKs are now adults and your DH has allowed this for quite some time, if you want to stay married to your DH, options are fewer. I’d still recommend trying to find a different counselor. Some are starting to see that SM does have a side now and a side that needs to be respected by all, starting with DH. Once DH sees this, then he needs to pass this “SM needs to be respected” along to his kids (and it needs to come from him!). BM you have less control over, but it seems she is not an issue here. However, in your case, I could make an argument that your husband LET his daughter or daughters take on the anti-SM role that some BMs take from time to time. I’m going to give you a couple of words to look up and you can see if they apply to your situation and go from there. One is the term Mini-wife. The other term is Disengagement. Since your DH won’t change, it seems, and your SKs are adults now, your only option if you want to stay married but not have to put up with being treated like sloppy seconds or thirds may be disengagement. There are other step-parenting websites out there. You can either vent or get opinions there too. Look around, do research, decide what YOU want to do. Keep in mind, you will probably never have the stereotypical happy blended family, but personally I don’t think most do. I think most maybe have the OK blended family. But, sometimes given the dynamics, even OK may be out of reach, and it is a question of letting the initial family do what they may, to a point, and trying to disengage or ignore their clouded, seemingly backwards judgement and actions the best you can. Instead, focus on your own family’s wants and needs. Best of luck to you