Things I wish someone had said to me 11+ years ago...

SLOW DOWN

Think about what you are doing, has it ever crossed your mind that he may need you more than he wants you? Its not a good thing....

Take a very close look at the way a man treats his child... this will more than likely be the way he treats any children you have together

You are absolutely right when you say he needs to get things worked out with his son before you move forward, if he is pressuring you otherwise...that should tell you something

I'd be cautious of someone that is eager for me to fill their role as parent. I do a lot for my husband while he works since he has custody of his daughter, but he is capable and willing to do it himself if I weren't here. He had her 50% of the time before he met me and managed just great. I'd be cautious because if you choose to have children with him, he is showing you how he fathers.... leaving it to someone else. First his mom, now you. What would happen to your children if anything ever happened to you... is he the guy you want to have making that decision?

Don't do anything that you don't want to do. It's that simple. Once you do it, it'll always be expected of you. The BM/grandmother will be quick to point out that you aren't the BM but once the chips are down, you'll find out how quick you are expected to act like one, but without any say in what goes on in any of your lives.

IMHO a guy pressuring you into being a mom is worse than a guy pressuring you into sex (and that is pretty bad). I echo the thoughts above, and I would not marry this guy without pre-marital counseling. I think you need someone experienced with blended families to help set some guidelines.

So let me get this straight....

He has his mother raising his child. He is pressuring you into mothering and marriage.

He needs to take responsibility for his child instead of pawning him off on everyone else.

I would not advise marriage for you to him right now. Besides everything else going on, a year really is not long enough to know anyone, let alone marry them and raise their child for them!

I am a stepmom and assumed my role gradually. My husband had his 3 children living with him full-time and was taking care of them just fine when I came along. He never asked me to do anything for them, I just eventually did things because I wanted to. If my husband had pushed responsibility for his children on me I probably would have stayed single!

Welcome Daisy,
I have a few things to talk about...
The first - refusing to eat isn't likely part of ADD and probably isn't a behavioral problem. Refusing to eat is almost certainly a side effect of his meds. When my BF's 9 yo son (A__) has had a Ritalin, it's a battle to get a few bites into his mouth. When he hasn't had a pill, he chows down like it's going outta style. Suggest to your FDH and GM that they fill him full of breakfast BEFORE his morning pill and cram as many food groups as possible into an enormous breakfast. That's what we do with A__ and it's very successful.

Anyhow, onto the bigger issues...
I'll agree with FDH that a two-parent household is more consistent, but I also don't think he should be relying on you to be his son's mom. IMO, your responsibility is to help FDH be a good dad and to be nice to your FSS. You don't HAVE to do anything more than that. If you WANT to do more than that, that's fine. But you have to decide where your boundaries are and stick to them! KKNY et al are right that blended family, or premarital counseling could help with that.

It's OK to feel that your relationship is in trouble because of troubles about parenting. Couples that have shared biological children hit that sometimes too. I can be right hopping mad at my BF after something to do with A__, but we talk about it and it gets worked out. So I hope you're working hard to talk with FDH about all this.

A__ also has no standard set of rules or discipline, and this was causing some big-time behavioral problems when he was with BF. We came up with a set of rules for the household, and went over them with A__. ALL of us (except the cat) have to follow them and they're mostly about being respectful of yourself and others. It's helped us a lot, and if FDH doesn't have a set of rules, I'd really recommend them.

I'm glad to hear he sees his son almost every day! To me, that seems like he IS stepping up, just like you asked of him, and you should be proud of that! But I think it's OK for you to keep to your boundaries.

I'm curious, have you asked him SPECIFICALLY what he sees for your role with his son? What duties would he want you to do? What level of discipline and rew

For the record, I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're being wise.

The boy has been living with his grandmother for half his life, and all his 'memory life'. That is his home, his mother, his life, his stability, his comfort.

Dad bought a house 8 months ago and there's not enough room for his son. But there's enough room for you?

The fact is, and you need to look at it in the eye--he doesn't want to take care of his son. It says a lot about him. I'll let you think about what it means.

So then there's you, and you pressure your boyfriend to do what he ought--step up to the parenting plate.

Your boyfriend has made it very clear he doesn't want to, so he pushes the burden back onto you and pressures you to step up to the parenting plate.

The truth is neither of you want to do the job (and I don't blame you if you don't want the job, it's a big responsibility and a lot of trouble--particularly when your partner isn't going to do his part). However, both of you are quick to criticize grandma and how she raises him.

How many children have you raised? How many ADD children have you raised? A supreme court justice once said, "I used to have 9 theories about how to raise children; and no children. Now I have 9 children and no theories."

You've invested very little into this relationship. Only a year, you are independent, you have your own house, you aren't hungering for a wedding and a family. Already you are pressuring him, he's pressuring you, things seem to be falling apart, you have the inkling that the engagement was 'premature'.

Stop and think. And be honest. Nobody but grandma has stepped up to raise this child, not his mother, father or you. And you should not; because if things do fall apart and this child gets to depend on you and you leave, you will have done a terrible thing.

His grandmother is doing fine, no matter what you think. She's his home, his center, his world, all he knows best. Don't meddle because you think things 'should' be different. If you really think things should be different, you need to find a different situation that fits your definition of should. That's the only way you will be happy.

You cannot force a square peg into a round hole. If your boyfriend does not feel paternal, he does not feel paternal. Deal with the reality. It is what it is. You cannot pressure him into feeling what he doesn't feel.

Any more than he can pressure you into feeling something you don't feel.

And why is he pressuring you so marry so quickly, to move in, elope, whatever. Is it to get you off his back about his parenting? Or is there more.

I say do nothing until you think this through more. He's not 24, he's 30. And he's immature. And he's not good parent material. And he's coming with baggage. A little boy with problems that are only going to get larger as he understands his situation better (where's mom? why don't I live with dad? is grandma going to die?).

No you are not being selfish, you are being wise.

I must say I really admire you for, apparently, caring more about this guy's son than he does. But I agree with everyone else that your boyfriend may be looking for you to fill the role of Instant Mom. If everything else in the relationship is good --and it sounds like you have an open heart and attitude towards the boy's existence, which is a huge advantage to everyone--- then I would sit down and draft an agreement detailing every parental duty/responsibility you can think of, divvying them up how you BOTH agree is fair, signing it, having it notarized and keep it for safe-keeping. That way, every time there is a disagreement between you and he as to who's responsible for what, you can whip out this document. (And worst case scenario if you ever have to divorce him, this will serve as support for your side of things.)

And even though this is more a matter of emotional and time investment for you, I might also keep my finances separate, at least for the time being. That way there is that boundary established, as well, as to what his parental responsibilities are and what yours aren't. If he ever ends up coming to YOU for money, it will be clear and documented that the expenditure came from your separate account. This is also another good reason (among many) to keep a job/career going, at least part-time. So you can not only fall back on your nest egg if you need to, but so that you can stay busy, as in TOO BUSY to be full-time mommy if daddy isn't being full-time daddy.

All that said, when you marry a man with full custody of a small child (especially when that child no longer has a bio-mom), of course you have a responsibility to co-care for that child in a "almost-parental" way. Certainly you should help to the best of your ability. (I think you already know this, maybe too well.) But you don't have MORE responsibility than the child's bio-parent. He needs to be able to show you that he will hold up his AT-LEAST-50-percent. But he needs the guidelines to be clear and firm; hence the drafted, signed, notarized agreement.

I know men that have raised children entirely on their own. When the chips were down, they did what we expect "men" to do. They stepped up to the plate and did the job, and did it well. They did whatever they had to do, to be fully present and responsible for their children. I would wait until your fiance' actually grows up and become a "man". The fact that he bought a house without a room for his own child should tell you everything you need to know about this guy you are engaged to.

I agree with bnicebkind. This guy clearly is telling you he is waiting for you to do it. He is the one that has to step up. He probably is afraid to take on the responsibility on his own. What bothers me is that he bought a house with no room for his son???? that's odd. My Dh's kids do not live with us. They come EOW but we have a room for them. And when we buy a house, we will still have a room for them.
Hold off from selling your home. Listen to your gutt. Tell your fiancee to make up his mind with his son. Claim exactly what he will do about it. That you will not take over his responsibility. You are there to support him with his son. Not take over. Unless he agrees to that, hold off your wedding. You've been together 1 year. Relax,. your independant and he is not. i'm talking from experience. My Dh i knew for years but not on a personal note. we began seeing each other and after one year i moved in. looking back. i think it was way too fast. your fiancee sound insecure and i know...cause my dh is insecure. I made it clear to him fromthe beginning that his kids were his responsibility and that i would support him in his decisions. I will not parent them. i will be their friend. If they want advice i'm open to give it to them but i am not and never will be their mother. From then on, he decided not to take custody and to keep his EOW. why? Cause he realized it was his responsibility and i was not going ot pick up his slack. His kids would resent him if i did and they would take out their anger on me. I know. I'm a stepkid too.:)
So please hold off until he proves he can step up and be a father to his son. And get a house with a room for his son would be nice.

Thank you all for your responses- wow, didn't think I'd get so many. I have tried talking to him, even asking him directly- What do you want me to do? How many days a week do you want me to see son? His response is that he shouldn't have to tell me, if I really wanted to I would "just be there". Which seems really immature and doesn't give me much to work with.

I am trying to avoid doing a terrible thing- a child of divorce myself. I was trying to understand my role with his son before I moved in and the son became more vulnerable. I didn't mean to knock on Grandma at all- thank god she helps as much as she does!

Anyway, thank you again for your responses and support

'he shouldn't have to tell me, if I really wanted to I would "just be there".'

He doesn't even want to spend time thinking about his child, & he doesn't want to have to spend time talking to you.

He's just looking for the next woman to take care of his child *& him*.

If you go further with this "relationship", you won't be loved or appreciated; you'll be used.

& that's starting out; it'll get worse, until you won't have the stamina or heart to get out of it & re-claim your own life.

Drop this loser & say a little prayer for that child & that grandmother.

You're right Daisy, that is a really immature thing for FDH to say and it doesn't give you much to work with.
You need and deserve something more concrete than that!

Sometimes you have to drag good communication out of people. I used to date a very closed-mouth guy that would sooner bit off his own thumbs than have a frank conversation... Unless he had a bottle of wine in him, and then he was Mr. Communication, incarnate. (Note - I'm not suggesting you get FDH plastered to get him to talk to you... Just that creativity can help)
Anyhow, you also have to decide if dragging communication, kicking and screaming, from FDH, is something you want to deal with. I eventually concluded that I wasn't willing to put up with that crap and the relationship didn't work out after that.

Miss Daisy--you are young enough to have your own family. Unless this is the only guy in the world run! As Sylvia puts it--this guy is looking for somebody to take care of his kid. The kid isn't looking up at you tearfully and saying "be my mommy". Read some of the other postings on this stepfamily forum. It is no walk in the park raising another person's child and it doesn't get easier as the kid gets older. Its hard enough raising your own kids who can be ungrateful or a PITA but at the end of the day they will hug you and say "thanks mom". or maybe the end of the year or the decade......

I don't want to deal with guys who let their children to be raised by someone else (unless there is a major health issue, such a severe didability, that prevents a parent to be trully involved with children). I have met guys whose children lived and were raised by someone else rather than parents for no particular reason. Needless to say I didn't continue dating them. usually it comes out on the first date, so no need to see them again. Everybody has their own red flags. This is a huge one for me.