tania, It's really good that you are aware and open to seeing red flags... and the first red flag that pops out at me is that you have ONLY been with this guy 5-6 months & it sounds as if you either live together and/or the kids are allowed to come into your bedroom in the morning, while the two of you are in bed. 6 months may seem like a long time, but in choosing a life partner, especially when you have very young children involved (because they do get attached easily), the parents should get to know each other well before introducing the kids to the situation, let alone them seeing mommy or daddy in bed with someone that isn't their other parent. If things don't work out, they could get confused seeing their parent in bed with various partners until they find "the one". As for him treating the kids with different rules or expectations or standards, that is definitely a red flag. I believe we all bond with OUR own kids from birth so when we say we love or treat a stepchild "as our own", I don't think it's very likely exactly the same. I think we try to treat kids evenly, do for them what we do for ours, try to instill the same values, etc. and try not to show favoritism so in that way, we treat them as we would our own. That being said, it is a red flag for him to expect one thing from his son and something different from your daughter. I wonder if it has to do with HIS vs.YOURS or if it's about the gender of the child. But you have a maternal instinct to know your child needs to be protected, so listen to it. The biggest mistake you could make is staying with someone BECAUSE of the kids, because you don't want to see them be hurt. The best way to prevent that from happening in the future is to re-read my first paragraph & keep your child away from your relationships until you know he's a keeper & you have no doubt. Also, where is your daughter's father? and his son's mother? It's also a red flag to me that you say he works 10 hours a day during the week while you care for his son. Unfortunately, some guys shove off the bulk of parenting on a new girlfriend/wife & eventually you may end up feeling like an unappreciated, unpaid babysitter... especially if he undermines you by having different rules/standards for his son, even though YOU are the primary caretaker. In my opinion, it's also dangerous to pretend you're a nuclear family... where it may be perfectly normal for kids to jump in bed with mom & dad in a nuclear family, I think more caution should be taken, especially with a daughter.

The boy has been living with his grandmother for half his life, and all his 'memory life'. That is his home, his mother, his life, his stability, his comfort. Dad bought a house 8 months ago and there's not enough room for his son. But there's enough room for you? The fact is, and you need to look at it in the eye--he doesn't want to take care of his son. It says a lot about him. I'll let you think about what it means. So then there's you, and you pressure your boyfriend to do what he ought--step up to the parenting plate. Your boyfriend has made it very clear he doesn't want to, so he pushes the burden back onto you and pressures you to step up to the parenting plate. The truth is neither of you want to do the job (and I don't blame you if you don't want the job, it's a big responsibility and a lot of trouble--particularly when your partner isn't going to do his part). However, both of you are quick to criticize grandma and how she raises him. How many children have you raised? How many ADD children have you raised? A supreme court justice once said, "I used to have 9 theories about how to raise children; and no children. Now I have 9 children and no theories." You've invested very little into this relationship. Only a year, you are independent, you have your own house, you aren't hungering for a wedding and a family. Already you are pressuring him, he's pressuring you, things seem to be falling apart, you have the inkling that the engagement was 'premature'. Stop and think. And be honest. Nobody but grandma has stepped up to raise this child, not his mother, father or you. And you should not; because if things do fall apart and this child gets to depend on you and you leave, you will have done a terrible thing. His grandmother is doing fine, no matter what you think. She's his home, his center, his world, all he knows best. Don't meddle because you think things 'should' be different. If you really think things should be different, you need to find a different situation that fits your definition of should. That's the only way you will be happy. You cannot force a square peg into a round hole. If your boyfriend does not feel paternal, he does not feel paternal. Deal with the reality. It is what it is. You cannot pressure him into feeling what he doesn't feel. Any more than he can pressure you into feeling something you don't feel. And why is he pressuring you so marry so quickly, to move in, elope, whatever. Is it to get you off his back about his parenting? Or is there more. I say do nothing until you think this through more. He's not 24, he's 30. And he's immature. And he's not good parent material. And he's coming with baggage. A little boy with problems that are only going to get larger as he understands his situation better (where's mom? why don't I live with dad? is grandma going to die?). No you are not being selfish, you are being wise.

I had a similar problem with my DD at about the fourish age.. she still has bouts every now and again but for the most part she seems to have grown out of it. And, this was absolutely not a result of divorce poisoning since her bd is no longer alive and hasnt been since she was two...but anyways I will have to Completely disagree with Kathline on this one... perhaps my dd is just a handful but she was fully capable of coming to me to tell me something happened or S said this or that that never happened...(and I did get suspiscous and start to investigate just in case but when she started lieing about conversations that I had overheard... I knew what was up) She also would do the crying for no reason and would be up my rear as soon as I would get home from work. I would come home and my DH would be in the room talking to her about something and everything would be fine until she saw me and then the water works. My DH was very upset by all of this and for a moment started to pull away from her. The only way that things changed was when I looked at how I reacted to it. Everytime she would cry I would ask what's wrong and try to get her to tell me why she was crying (attention!!) and when she would tell me things about DH I would go and ask him what really happened and then go back to her (attention!!) When I stopped playing into it ... she stopped. I know most of it had to do with her now sharing her mom with five other people and I am a fairly laid back person.. I grew up as the oldest of four in a cramped house that usually had all kinds of extra folks...like my cuz who lived with us on and off... so I am used to loud crazy atmospheres with lots of jokes lots of insults lots of everyone talking on top of everyone else... but my husband is not... he cant take the loud noise and he insists on no mam and no sir or vice versa.. so she was adjusting to having another adult in the house that did play like mom does and then on top of that she was not the "golden child" anymore (she was the only grandchild niece great grand etc etc) she had to share with three other kids... But, I started ignoring the crying when I would come home... I would just pop in to say are you hurt? oh well then cant be that bad get done whatever DH asked you to do... and when she would tell me something that wasnt true I would ask Dh infront of her if that was true ... and she would get punished accordingly usually go sit on your bed for x amount of time and then we will talk about again later (because ofcourse by that time the water works started).. It took awhile for her to realize that I wont play her game anymore and she is doing much better these days... But, not to say this is the case with your daughter because there is some divorce poison going on but even without it that can happen... I think the best thing to do is to change how you and your DH react to it and I think that mom2emall had a few good suggestions.

amylyn, wow, your SS sounds like a real manipulator. Just keep in mind... he's entering those years where he is physically brain damaged. I have had one heck of a time keeping my 15 y.o. son to keep up his grades. I've tried every trick in the book from positive reinforcement to groundings and taking away stuff. Much to no avail! Same thing with my middle SD. Couldn't get her to really focus on the school work, she always did a mediocre job and was content with that. Your SS may never be the achiever that your bio-kids are. Did you happen to be a part of raising his older brother? Even kids that do mediocre in school can go onto college. I have two SD's that have proven that. Don't let the younger SS get in the middle of your marraige. I would confront him, with your daughter present, about the "scare tactics" he seems to be using on her. Sounds like a jealousy and insecurity issue on his end. When these s-kids are going back and forth between BM's and Dad's house, they will always play the blame game because it's so much easier for them to be a victim then live up and own their irresponsibilty. Been there, lived that! Just remember, SS is a kid, you are the adult. You can only make it worse by letting all this get to you. Be glad you have a place like this forum to come and vent! Heaven knows I've used it for that and it was nice to get it off my chest.