Forgive me, please. Although it's quite understandable to tell a mother with young children at home to ''leave the guilt behind'', I still believe people need to make some kind of effort, especially when they have enough energy to accept an invitation where others obviously make an effort to include them. SADLY, that's exactly the attitude that permeates our society. nancyjeanmc, obviously the time to invite people over is when you want to spend time with them...and Wanting To is much different than actually doing it. You know, I never have trouble getting people to come to my house, since I look after their needs the entire time they're here. What is evident to me is when they don't want to look after mine. Leaving their guilt behind isn't even an issue, since there's no intention to reciprocate. Ever. Making Excuses is too EASY. Instead of letting yourself completely off the hook for reciprocating an invitation, I think a better way to look at it is to dial down your expectations of what you're willing to spend effort doing. Making the ''event'' one where everyone contributes a dish, keeps the work down to cleaning your house. If you don't want to clean your house, schedule something at a local park. It's really not hard to pick up some cupcakes at the bakery, or bring a thermos of coffee to go with it. The point is, someone has to progress the idea forward, pick a date, time and act like they want to get together. The amount of effort is up to you. People will always remember any kind of energy you spend on them, as well as when you don't. INTENTION means a lot. If you have children, it teaches them to be thoughtful of others, by making some time in their day to focus on someone else, yet receiving much in return. I say leave the guilt behind about making home-made food if you don't cook, hand-crafted favors if you don't craft, a clean house if you don't clean...but make some kind of effort, please! Just because I cook and clean, doesn't mean you have to do things like me. But please...if you owe someone an invitation...Do Something! Isn't it better to be remembered fondly for something you planned, instead of being remembered only as someone who only knows how to receive?

Dh and I have lived in our current house for our entire marriage, 17 years. Truthfully, it was being built when we got married, so we lived in an apt for 2 months, then my parents for a month then it was ready. We live on the outskirts of a waterfront tourist town. We were supposed to be here for 3 years. Dh was in the Navy and this was not supposed to be our forever home as we anticipated being transferred by the Navy. However, dh realized the Navy was not meant to be his career as he didn't want to constantly move once we had kids. We wanted to live close to one of our families, but unfortunately, they live on opposite coasts. He is from the San Francisco Bay Area, and I am from the Wash DC area. Since it was the height of the tech boom at the time dh was getting out of the Navy, and we simply could not afford a home in the Silicon Valley, he got a job here, which fortunately is only 25 minutes from my parents. And here we've stayed. It is NOT my dream home. I don't even really like it. It was small when we moved in, and even smaller after having four kids! We looked around at moving to a different home, but absolutely love our neighbors and our community so finding a home that fit our needs was very difficult. We live in a high COL so home prices made it hard to find something that fit our desires while still being affordable. 10 years ago, we added on and while the space has helped, it hasn't changed the fact that our floorplan isn't desirable to us. We live in a waterfront community with very strict building codes, so we worked within that and have maxed out what we can do w/o completely gutting the house and starting over. With four kids in private school and one off to college in four years, I've pretty much resigned myself that we won't be moving anytime soon, nor can we really afford at this point to do any major changes that would help. I am constantly looking at houses for sale in the area, but the only affordable ones are in tract home subdivisions and that's not type of community we desire. So we make do with what we have. And it's not that my house is bad, but it's not set up well for entertaining, something I'd love to do more often, we had to give up our fabulous screened porch when we added on and cannot add another due to space constraints. I miss that terribly. On the bright side, we have wonderful neighbors, live in a waterfront neighborhood so the kids can fish, swim, kayak, ride their bikes freely (community is a peninsula w/no through traffic), etc. My dream is to move into the historic district in our tourist town where we can walk and bike everywhere. We live 5 miles from there now, but not on bike-friendly roads (though dh is an avid biker and rides them, no way my kids can). There are some really fabulous Arts & Crafts cottages, as well as many other architecturally interesting homes that date back to the 1700s. My hope is to move into one of them some day and have that be our forever home, with a second home in another climate. I wish I could love this home and think of it as my forever home, but it is not ideal for aging. We have three floors, with bedrooms all on the third floor as the garage/rec room are "under" the main living level. My parents still live in the house I grew up - they are going on 50 years there. They will stay until it's too much for them as it's perfect for aging, a rancher. All that said, as much as I want to move, the idea of moving is dreadful to me, which is probably one of the reasons I haven't really pushed for it. The thought of trying to keep my home in "show" condition with four kids, a huge dog that sheds, well, not fun. So perhaps a small part of me continues to find something undesirable about any of the houses I'm always looking at. I figure if I'm going to go through the hassle, the house has to be pretty close to what I want! Love all the interesting stories!

Seriously? Someone invites me to their home for food/fun/party but I should run by Walgreens and buy them a package of napkins or a dusty candle? I, for one, detest "hostess gifts". Flowers!, "How beautiful!" Now I gotta run to find a vase, the flowers for the party are already on the table. I got 50 people arriving so I really can't take the time to cut the ends in my kitchen, already full of food stuff. I'm trying to find which toilet is clean enough, out of the party trail, to put the flowers in until tomorrow. Ohhhhhh, and the candles and trinkets. I've probably already been dusting and cleaning for days for this partay. Someone shows up with a "hostess gift" that is going to need dusting, cleaning, pruning, feeding, whatEVER! I still have to be nice. Think about it, 50 people, say 20 couples and some singles. They all bring a "hostess gift". What are you gonna do with that "stuff" the next day even after you get done cleaning up from the party? Since I got there, I have your address, since I have your address, I probably know your name. I would send a card after the party for a big thanks. That's about as "old fashioned" as you can get. No, I will never "stop off" to get a hostess gift. It's the thought that counts.

I think it depends on your personality and the personality of your guests or hosts. I visit some friends and it feels just like home, no issues. Others rarely host guests and I can tell that they are not into it. My goal for my home is to try and make my guest feel comfortable, and to have a lot of people around often, but our house is pretty small and unfortunately the guest bedroom has to serve double duty as my office . . . I know for some that would not be great. I for one don't mind a pull out couch in the living room but that's a horror for hubs. His son lives in HIS house, and it really bugs me that they can't be bothered to buy a nice pull out couch for the living room, and we oldsters have to sleep in bunk beds in the kids messy rooms. But then my grandmother had to sleep in a double bed with me when she visited, so turnabout is fair play I guess. We didn't have a guest room growing up, and it was a while before my brother was old enough to have twin beds in his room so that eventually my room became guest quarters. We finally got a proper family room with a pull out couch when we had our garage turned into a family room. But I can see why that would not be ideal for a lot of folks. My husband swears is it untenable to try and sleep on a pull out couch, and no one in his family is social, so having guests is practically unthinkable to him. We stay in a motel when we visit. I guess being a camper and living in communal quarters at camps during the first part of my young adulthood conditioned me to tune out of lot of situational "noise" when it comes to accommodations. I think some of this is introvert/extrovert stuff. I'm an extrovert, people being around does not bother me necessarily. Depends on the people and what they are doing. I have more tolerance for stuff than hubs. Does not mean my tolerance is unlimited, it's just that I hardly notice certain things that drive him batty. Noise bothers me, but he can hear someone breathing three rooms away and it will keep him up. Even a faint light stream and that's the end of his night's sleep. He doesn't like most accommodations, even motels and vacation rentals, he usually has some feature he zones in on that bugs him. Being a carpenter who builds houses, he can always find the flaw . . .